2 days before I left Bali, I was getting excited for Taiwan
I knew our full moon romantic little thing had shaken up my heart a little, and I also felt so much more confidence in myself. That night simultaneously represented closure for the relationship we had and yet somehow also showed us both….what we could have been, if we were more equipped to handle life.
I think the full moon event shook things up for Marco even more so than it did for me, and 2 days before I was to leave Bali, he messaged me saying “I wanna talk, there are some things I wanna tell you, and I wanna know how you feel about them. For the good or the bad, at least we will have an answer so we don’t stay in this limbo”
I felt 2 things right away – an immediate fear that he had cheated on me before (trauma from the ex husband) and that it was so refreshing to hear him say “I wanna talk”
For 24 hours before he arrived in Ubud, where I was, I readied myself.
“This session is for him, so let’s hold space for him,” I told Jinger.
“Okay but I also want you to fully recognize and feel all of your emotions. You don’t have to react to them, just feel them” Jinger replied. I nodded.
I felt strong. I felt good. And I felt confident that no matter what, I would be still living an incredible life.
He arrived, and we had a good talk. He was hesitant but determined. He told me how he felt during the relationship, all the good, all the bad, and all the pain he felt.
I was surprised at how well I took everything. I could feel the immediate knee jerk reaction I used to get as well, especially when he talked of things I wanted to explain for. But I could easily calm my nerves down by telling myself “You’re not in danger, just breathe.”
The unconditioning of my psyche had really taken effect. I’m so proud of myself. Because it takes so much work to heal generational wounds and patterns.
He asked me how I felt, and I gave him only but the truth. How I felt….what I thought, and still think.
We both agreed we could never go back to the relationship we had before. We were also no longer the same 2 people that met in October 2020.
We have both transformed and grown so that if we were to enter a new relationship, it would be a more mature and communicative one.
“I’m scared. And I’m worried” – he told me.
“I understand” I told him back. I feel afraid too.
But underneath my fear, I felt jinger watching me with so much pride. I have grown so much in capacity to hold myself, that I can also do so for him. My heart beamed with so much joy at the expansion I could literally feel.
We left the conversation saying “when there’s nothing to do, do nothing”
I felt that we both felt the same – that it wasn’t the right moment or day to discuss the future. In that present moment, we were past partners and new lovers. We weren’t ready to talk about the future. We still aren’t. There are wounds to heal, and pain to go through.
“I can’t help but feel hopeful” I tell Jinger. “That’s good, honour that feeling”
“I know that either way, we will always be good. Either way, we will have incredible lives”
“You bet your ass we will,” Jinger said.