synonymsforjane

At first, I didn’t even notice her.

She didn’t appear to me visually at all. She made her appearance to me through my gut. Somehow…the more I spent alone time, the more I could feel her. It feels like when your gut is pulling at you, and the spleen concurs and makes you say either “uh huh, mm-hmm” or “NOPE”

The feeling strikes out hesitantly at first….but with every decision I had to make while being on the solo travel road, small or big one, I started developing a stronger connection with Jinger.

From the cobbled streets in Paris, to the mountainous towns in Albania, my connection with Jinger grew and grew. The scenery we enjoyed while van-tripping in Scotland, feeling her laughter spread all over my body like warm honey….

She felt entirely different from me, and yet, like a puppeteer, she led the way forward as I went through my first year of travelling.

I let her lead the way the whole time. Mostly because I was so broken and shattered inside that I couldn’t bother being in control anymore.

She made the decision to continue our travelling plans from US to Europe. She made the decision to try out workaway. She led my hand through strange alleyways, she taught me how to enjoy chocolate and wine again, and she let me nestle warmly in her big soft hair, whenever the pain in my heart got too big.

She was the one who would sing me gently to sleep whenever my exhausted mind got so tired I needed to rest. She muted the memories of my failed marriage. She helped me momentarily forget about all that had happened.

She didn’t inform me of any future plans. Her presence was so strong, courageous, and certain. I never felt the need to question her intention. I knew she was taking care of me. And I leaned into every bite of delicious food she made me and got used to her smell. She smelled like fresh dew in the morning, and I always imagined her skin would sparkle in the sunlight.

So it was surprising to me, when I first caught a glimpse of her.

Was that big curly hair I just saw? The thought flashed across my mind.

Is she wearing…..denim overalls?!

Slowly, bit by bit, I kept catching glimpses of her. Right until the day she decided to present herself to me.

She came in my dreams…and she whispered to me. “Jane, wake up. Wake up! It’s me”

I woke up in my dream and saw that we were in a green meadow, not unlike the spaces in any public garden in Singapore. The sun was shining in my face when she woke me up, and I had to put an arm up to shield the light from blinding me.

After a few blinks, her appearance came into focus. And she was as beautiful, if not more, in “real life” except she was younger. By a few years. She looked like she was 19 or 20, but her soul felt so ancient. She had big curly hair….a soft round face. She didn’t look very human in that her skin was a light olive, and it looked like the universe was literally within her.

I only saw her for a few seconds….but her red lips, her strong arms, and her stouty legs all made her look like a warrior from another time. A time when women had to fight to survive. At the same time, she also looked like a traditional medicine healer. But maybe that was only because of her orange bandana around her head, set to keep all of that hair out of her face.

“What took you so long to appear, Jinger?”

“You locked me up within you years ago, Jane. You don’t remember anymore. But it’s okay, I’m here now.”

I was surprised she spoke English but with an accent that made her sound South American?!

“Will you come back more?”

“I’ve always been here. I’m not going anywhere…..now go back to sleep Jane. Ill see you again”

Jinger gently kisses me on my forehead. And I wake up in my bed in Koh Phangan. My fingers instinctively move across where her lips had been, and I can almost feel her love like a warm liquid flow right from my head down to my gut, where it settled for a bit before going away.

I can’t do it.

I still can’t write my story. My point of view. Without worrying it will cause her to feel shame. Without worrying she will feel so affected ill have to go to court again.

I have been trying to write the same story for 3 years. And I still cannot revisit the crime scene without feeling like I’m the worst person in the world if I make her feel what she made me feel.

I cannot stop the natural guilt from happening because I only feel empathy for her.

I don’t feel anything towards my ex because I know he doesn’t give a shit. But I cannot help but think to myself – don’t do to her what she did to you. Don’t make her feel so small she wants to disappear. Don’t ever let her feel the terrible shame you felt when she mocked you for ruining your marriage. Don’t be responsible for making her ever consider suicide as an option.

Of course, all of these thoughts only live in my head. She probably only cares about whether she can get a job, how she looks to her family , and in general what society might think of her. If i ever fully write out my story.

A friend of mine said “screw empathy, speak your truth. Let them speak theirs if they want. ”

And that’s the thing, our truths are so intertwined and yet so separate.

If I were to write a story from my POV they will always be painted as guilty. And even if they really are, I can’t do anything to paint them otherwise.

I paint out my own mistakes of course. So people have the full understanding of what happened. But I’m not a historian. And I don’t intend to write history.

I just want to write a story to show people it’s possible to heal from trauma and its possible to save yourself from suicide ideation.

I just want to reach out to the many people who have shared their own stories with me and let them know it’s okay to feel weak. It’s okay to feel inadequate. But that we can all get better and do better.

Can we though, really?

We can. But it gets tiring sometimes. It gets lonely. It gets depressing.

Don’t give up though, you hear me? I’m not giving up.

Yes. I will. Because the traumatic event remains traumatic no matter how much time has passed.

To the person who ever mocked me for not moving on fast enough, shame on you.

If you can grieve about your missing cat that went missing 25 months ago, and dedicate an entire instagram page, asking random strangers to find your cat I’m pretty sure I can talk about being conned into a marriage by a man who never really loved me and only proposed to me because he didn’t want to be emotionally alone in Mountain fucking Home.

Anyway, back to recovering from trauma. I posted something on Ig and very sadly, but interestingly, 3 separate women responded telling me they were in similar situations, 1 guy also shared that his wife cheated and left.

The realisation that we are not alone, and that all of us are shaped and molded because of our circumstances….really forced me to look at my ex-husband and his current wife very differently.

It forced me to look at everyone differently, including myself.

Why do we do stupid things?

Why do we do things knowing our actions will hurt others?

Why do people veer outside of their “morals and value systems? Who are we to judge anyone?

That’s what I’m struggling to write about. I don’t wanna write about basic things. I don’t wanna write about black and white.

Because the world isn’t made up of black and white. None of us are innocent. None of us have not failed before. None of us are completely right. We have all fallen before. We have all hurt others before. We have all betrayed ourselves before.

In Singapore, we have come to such a toxic stage where we normalise cheating. We normalise getting married without understanding or agreeing why. We normalise being selfish and doing what soothes our inner child wounds. We get used to the idea that marriages get stale one day, and both parties just stay together out of convenience and fear of being alone. We fight in front of our kids. We pass the burden onto our children and make them feel responsible for our unhappy lives. And we don’t realize that all our actions WILL ALWAYS HAVE CONSEQUENCES. Karma will either get you now or in your next life. We cannot run from this.

I’m not innocent. I’ve dated people who were in relationships before. I’ve cheated on my ex boyfriends before. I’ve led people on before, even though I had no intentions to make things serious. I consider all that I “suffered” from in this life to be the result of other shitty things I’ve done before.

My point is, once I sat myself down…..and focused on my OWN actions, I started to see we are always passing energy around. Both positive and negative energy. If we don’t heal from what someone did to us before, it’s likely we will pass this negative juju onto another person, many times unintentionally!

What matters is how we evolve. And how we change our future moving forward. Because the past is in the past.

If we don’t start evolving, we continue to devolve, and in 1000 years, our history wouldn’t matter. Because we don’t exist anymore.

People don’t know how dinosaurs truly looked like. Whether they had scales, feathers, or looked more like amphibians.

In 1,000 years from now, would humans even still exist? Would the future population even know what or who humans were?

Healing from trauma is such an important thing to do. So many of our crimes against humanity, whether on a small level like cheating, to a big level like introducing weapons to a crumbling nation so you can profit off death stem from people doing bad things from a selfish point of view. Bad people exist. Good people also exist. Which side do you choose to be on?

Diary entry by Jane

The year was 2020.

I had just finished a whole month of travelling in Mexico alone. It was so fun, freeing, and I was riding on such a genuine high. I had already made some friends in Europe who had invited me over to their places. I said yes, of course. There were just a couple of cats I had to say goodbye to. I also needed my spectacles, which I left at my husband’s place. I’d been using a pair of glasses that was so off because I couldn’t explain in Spanish that I could see, but only up to “that guy in the red hat”

Mexico wasn’t the final destination. It was the gate. It was the beginning of my next chapter in life. There was very little that could get me down at that high point. Unless, of course, you count going back to my husband’s apartment only to find out his mistress had found my things hidden in his suitcase and shipped everything back to Singapore.

You need more details in this backstory?

This isn’t that story.

This story is about how I met and got to know Her.

Who’s she?

She….is a breath of fresh air after you’ve been stuck in a humid tunnel without seeing an end in sight.

She is the sun that gently kisses your skin early in the morning.

She has big curly hair, bright brown eyes, tanned golden skin, and she plays 8 different instruments, all so magically.

She’s one of those people who could look through you. Right through you. Her gaze could penetrate all the layers you put up to shield yourself. And once she finds your centre, your real centre, she doesn’t make you feel unsafe, as if she’s gonna rat your secrets out.

She wraps your secrets up in her hair, loosening those shackles you’re so tied to, even just for a moment, and she says – I love you. And you just know she means it.

Her name….is Jinger.

We check into a B&B in Koh samui and immediately see a black and white cat. “Tin-tin” the staff called him.

Once we settled in, the owner brings a big box of cat treats and begins shaking the box, letting it rattle like a lunch bell for children – except its a treat bell for cats.

“There is another one. Orange. ” the owner says.

With big eyes full of alert, orange came running over from wherever she was. We saw that her right hind leg was in a cast and asked why.

Last month, someone took her and put her close to the ceiling fan. They basically abused her. Then cast her aside after like a used toy.

Our hearts sank. People really do bad things. Some people are just bad. Nurture or nature.

The next day, we were just sitting outside the yard and Orange came over skittishly. At first we thought she wanted some treats and so I tried to tell her we didn’t have anymore.

Marco then picked her up and like a baby, she quickly snuggled right into his arms. Purring and closing her eyes as he stroked her head, chin, and gave her gentle love.

Marco then asked ” how can you still trust humans after what was done to you?”

On our travels, we meet many broken people as well. I was really broken when I met Marco.

Bless people like him who can hold so much space for other people. Bless him for loving people and animals around him, for respecting them, for nurturing.

I sometimes thank my lucky stars for my divorce. Because it saved my life. It propelled me into a fast track up the snake and ladder game.

I’m living my dream life right now and it’s all because I walked away from the marriage only with emotional baggage and nothing else. My trauma was the force of energy I needed to change. To really change. Burned down my old life to rebuild a completely new one.

I’m thankful the ones who matter are still around. I’m grateful my family and friends are still close.

I’m grateful I survived depression. I’m grateful I’m alive. I’m grateful for life.

I’m grateful I met Orange the cat. She’s the perfect reminder to never let past experiences bog us down. That everyone is capable of change. And that everyone is different. We need not fear the darkness because the light is strong.

I have or had a lot of anger. Anger at who? Who knows by now?

The immediate people I can think of to be angry with, I no longer am. Which makes me think that after almost 3 years, I’ve managed to wrestle with my anger.

I made many mistakes along the way, don’t get me wrong. My anger has slipped by me and done a few things I’m not proud of. But I have enough compassion left for myself to be reminded that dealing with anger….really dealing with it and not suppressing it, is a difficult thing to do.

At first I didn’t even notice the anger. I only felt happiness and excitement for my life ahead. It took probably 14 months for the initial shock of the divorce to set in, then another 6 months of drama that evolved from the consequences of someone else venting her anger on me, which in turn caused me to know of my anger. Her presence in my life was the spark I needed to get livid. With who?

The thing is. Whoever you name out next. Is who you have pre-determined as the villain in your story. An ex husband? An abusive father? An annoying boss?

Our current world has infected many of us with main character syndrome, letting many of us think there’s always a protagonist (us) versus a villain we have to conquer and fight. This IS how the world behaves right now. Everything becomes personal. Every argument becomes tied to our identity as a person.

In many ways, our anger is valid. How can you not get angry if a crime has been done against you, but not held to justice? How many times have you been made a fool because of your kindness? How many times have we fallen over, almost tipping past the line of no return, and still no one cared?

But valid anger is not a valid reason to keep anger in our lives. Why? For the very fact that it is like letting toxins into our bloodstream. Anger is a tonic best served with compassion, if not, it’s just a deadly potion mix that can kill, or cause us to be killed.

We find a cure to our anger, not for the villains. Not for the people who bullied us. Not for their salvation. Fuck their salvation. Everyone is on a karmic path to clear their karma. We leave them be. And focus on dealing with our anger.

We work on our anger, so we pull out the thorns they struck into us. And we start sucking out the venom. Sure, some people might say they should be served the consequences of their actions. But I don’t believe in killing, even if you were just defending yourself. Killing must never be an intention. So, if you do, my post is not for you.

Either way, once I found out that anger was like a black hole in my life, sucking in everything worth being happy about, including the emotion happiness itself, I set a firm mind to quell anger.

What helped the most was learning how to turn myself into the narrator of the story, instead of the protagonist or the victim. I was sick of the victim blaming. That didn’t get me anywhere. I wanted to move on in life and just heal well from my wounds.

I started looking inward, and human design gave me a compassionate way to look at myself in the mirror, without feeling so ashamed I have to look away. I was ashamed of the many times I acted out of character. The many times I behaved like my worst self would.

I began looking at my bullies as just people I was angry with. Were they bad people? No I don’t believe so. Will they continue doing bad things to otherS? That’s none of my business. I have to look at my own life and figure myself out. In a way, Marianne was right about this. We cannot hope to get justice from the people who wronged us. I can never hope to get justice from her and Gideon. I don’t have to be happy for them, though. I don’t need to wish them well. But I can let them go.

That’s how you start feeling better. When you let go of the role of being the victim and start becoming the narrator to narrate how you want your life to be.

I understand the heaviness of not being seen, acknowledged, or felt. So my only advice would be to find a therapist. As cheaply as you can. Enter therapy to change your life.

That’s all for today, sending everyone a piece of peace.

If you catch yourself doing this
Count the number of times you apologise

Then ask yourself which apology was for them and how many more you said to self soothe

The more you apologise, the more you’re actually apologising to your inner child

Who didn’t get the chance to be apologised to back then.

There is healing to be done.

Ignore this wound and eventually you will get frustrated or bitter whenever someone doesn’t acknowledge your needs. Even if they do it without ill intention.

How did I get here?

I have never been the most spiritual person. And i’m definitely not religious.

But meeting Anabel in Pai changed my perspectives on things. Back when I met her, I felt so curious about so many things.

The motivations behind people’s actions (and my own’s) and the reasons why they behave a certain way. Almost as if they are unconsciously making decisions instead of relying on what their best selves would do.

Anabel told me about Human design and from the moment i looked it up, I haven’t stopped studying it.It’s been about 2 months since, and it’s incredible.

I’ve had to study alot because the readings are expensive. But there are many materials provided online to help us self-study. I spend every day getting lost in these books and articles, podcasts and videos.

It’s changed everything for me.

I’m so excited!

As I boarded the car ferry for Koh Pha Ngan for the final destination of our year, I started realising how different even this Jane is now, versus when I first visited Pha Ngan.

It’s no coincidence. I’m back on this island because this is where I had one of my biggest awakening moments.

With every awakening, it’s not that you literally “wake up” from being asleep. It’s you getting to know yourself more and, by consequence, getting to know the world more.

We are ALL, less our consciousness, made up of organic matter that came from this earth. We are all capable of understanding each other.

To think, we used purely materials we found on this earth to create so many tools so that humans can fly in the sky, travel across the ocean, and use devices to communicate, express ourselves, work together, and even find love.

We are definitely capable of doing more if we don’t manage to self-destruct and cause our own species to go extinct.

A couple of big lessons to end the year

1. We don’t have to chase anything. Not people, not things. We work on our own lifeforce, we work on expanding our own energy, and things and people that are on our same frequencies will naturally come by because “birds of the same feather flock together.” What will be, will be.

2. We are human beings.
And humans make a shit ton of mistakes. We were made to fuck up. And we are SO vulnerable as an animal species. Leave a human alone in the wild without fire, any tool, and you will why our greatest advantage as humans is our ability to communicate deeply and through that, cooperate and work together.

3. Nothing is permanent. Everything is temporary.

4. Everyone’s emotions are valid. No one’s pain is more important than another person’s. If you try and prove this, it will take a difficult time for you

5. You are what you do. Not who you say you are. People don’t trust your words. They trust actions.

Note to self: the only way to not fuck up is by not doing anything worthy in life. If you’re going to do stuff, be prepared to make mistakes.

But you KNOW yourself now, Jane. And you know what you’re made of.

So go do it. Whatever it is that you want to. And learn the lessons that will come after. 2023 is gonna be exactly like 2022 was – transformative, full of ups and downs, and fucking amazing.

Are you ready?

Play the game honey.

This is the world ruled by whoever has the largest influence on people.

“but…but I don’t want to tell the world my story. Its not complete yet.”

You either tell your story yourself or have your story told for you. Besides, I don’t owe you a coherent mind. There is no such thing as logic in a tormented brain.

Your pain is your power to transform. Don’t waste it.

And don’t spend precious time listening to people telling you not to be emotional.

Your power is what they fear. Power to feel what they cannot feel. Power to override fear and achieve what they cannot even think to ever achieve.

Fuck the world Jane. Stop being a pussy. And stop giving your enemies so much thought. Are you going to change anything if you keep getting stuck in the loop?

“It’s not me, I can’t,”

You can’t control it I understand. You’re a basic animal. Your mind has impulses that control your body

Jane you are not just an animal, you have a life as human this time so live like the best one out there. Control your thoughts. Pave your own destiny. Whatever soul path you think you’re on, you can guide it to however way you want it to be. You are the painter now, no longer just a character in the story. You’re writing your own damn story now.

Can’t you see?