12TH August 2021. Zagreb, Croatia
I’ve been receiving countless of messages and calls from friends telling me that Gideon and Marianne have reported me to the police. They are trying to file protection orders (POs) against me. Everyone is worried.
“Why did you type his full name out on your blog babe??” A friend asks
“I was angry, I deleted it almost right after but if I have to face consequences for it, so be it.” I’ve already made my peace with it.
“Babe, I don’t think you should contact them anymore, they want blood, they would do anything to hurt you. Just leave them alone and don’t do anything anymore.” My friend continued.
I understand their fear. It’s not easy facing Marianne’s words especially when they are laced with malicious intent. I’ve gotten used to her personal attacks and I now see them as useless attempts to shed whatever guilt she has. At the core of her venomous attacks, she’s just struggling with deep insecurity. Who can help with that? Certainly not me. But do I have to engage in a useless battle with her? Absolutely not.
I don’t quite know how I feel about this yet so, I take a long walk.
As I walk, I set an intention to clear my emotions.
The fact that Gideon and Marianne are trying to use the law to suppress me into silence is overwhelming. What are they so afraid of? If what I’m writing about doesn’t hold truth, why are they so afraid of being exposed?
If they’re claiming to want privacy, why did they publicly announce their engagement when Gideon and I were still married? Did they care about the impact of them parading their affair around on me and my family? No.
Did they care about my privacy when Marianne asked to place a security camera in front of my face when we were just watching television so she could monitor us? No
Did they care about my feelings when they sent me threatening emails? No
When Gideon’s friend asked him to return the money he owed him, Gideon threw me under the bus and said that I had demanded alimony from him, which I didn’t. Did I threaten to sue him for slander? No
When Gideon tried to go against a court order and reduce the amount of divorce settlement he owes me, did I threaten to use the law against him? No
When Marianne sent me messages rubbing salt into my wounds by telling me she understands why Gideon left me, and how I need to grow up and handle my grief better. Did I mock her and tell her to fuck off? No
This is coming from a person who lost a cat 8 months ago and has an entire Instagram account dedicated to finding her cat, and she had the audacity to mock me for not moving on from my failed marriage faster??
How entitled and how inhumane can these two people be?
“Jane is threatening an expose and I live in fear that she will do so one day” That’s not my issue is it? I don’t have an obligation to make sure you don’t live in fear. Your conscience is the one who’s torturing you, not me.
I’m so confused by their intentions. If I’m truly a “nobody” to them, why bother filing anything against me? After all, I have already complied with their demands to stop all contact. And in the first place, all contact before was to discuss about the house. Do you understand what harassment even is? Do you even understand why this law was created and who it was meant to protect?
They’re trying to use my blog as a basis for harassment. When is self expression a crime? You don’t like what you read, DON’T READ. You can choose to walk away. And by the way I changed your names for a good reason. You’re the one who was silly enough to out yourself on Instagram, publicly name me, and now want to blame me for consequences of your actions? Eh please. Grow up. Face the consequences of your own actions just like I’m ready to and have been.
If a rapist raped someone, who can blame the victim for writing about her own story, her own experiences and who can stop her from trying to heal? If by writing her own story, she’s exposing what her rapist did to her, how can the rapist say that she’s harassing him?
Do Gideon and Marianne not realize that they are not victims in this whole equation? I’ve been taking their emotional and mental abuse for so long, not saying or doing anything. But her last email exchanges to me pushed me over my limits. There’s only so much one can take.
Now that I’ve finally decided to stand up for myself and write about my truth, they’re getting scared and now they hide. Now, she has decided that she needs to back down from social media so she can get some “privacy”. Now, it’s convenient for her to say that privacy matters, when they have NEVER cared about MY privacy from the start.
As I walk and let myself rage on, my thoughts don’t stay on my current predicament. Instead, they gravitate towards the conversations I’ve been having with strangers who have been reaching out to me in a hope to feel seen and heard.
I think about Odelia, who was raped when she was young and then married an abusive husband. He has abused her repeatedly for five years now. She has made at least three police reports against him and tried to get a protection order against him. Each time however, he begged for forgiveness and promised to change. He would show signs of improvement for months, at one time for a whole year, but now that she’s doing well at work and getting busier, his abusive behavior has resurfaced.
I think about Crystal, who was shunned by her family after deciding to leave a nasty marriage and had to sleep on a mattress for a year at a relative’s house. She wasn’t even allowed to be home for Chinese New Year because her parents found her divorce disgraceful. Crystal’s father is a religious leader, and he would rather shun his daughter than show her love and compassion.
I think about Arnold whose wife cheated on him with his best friend and then decided to ask for a hefty alimony from him because he also cheated. The difference was that she had hired a private investigator to get evidence on him and he had no legal evidence of her cheating. He isn’t allowed to see his children ever again but he has to pay her $5000 every month for the next thirteen years.
I think about Diana whose husband is a high-ranking officer in the military. He regularly cheats on her, and she only found out when one of them approached her about it. She’s a popular blogger in Singapore and already deals with a lot of public scrutiny. Her husband’s cheating sent her into an eating disorder, and she struggled with depression and anxiety for many years. She has four beautiful daughters and all of them have picked up on their mother’s insecurities. They have all handled it in their own ways, but Diana worries about the long-term effects on their mental health. One of her daughters has chronic depression and has threatened to kill herself before.
I think about the women Chloe met in Greece when she was held in the refugee area. The refugees have been there for two years and haven’t seen their family since. They have no government, no home, no real support from the UN and have been forgotten. Their bunks are filled with bed bugs, and they eat two meals a day, usually leftover food sent by overwhelmed Non-profit organizations. Charities have tried to help but there are just too many refugees. Countries are turning people away, letting them die at sea.
I think about Anais whose husband refuses to wear a condom. They have seven children and all of them stay in a 1-room HDB flat. He has a disability, so he receives disability support. Social services has gotten him many jobs before, but he has managed to lose all of them, either by not showing up for some or showing up drunk. He doesn’t allow Anais to go to work because he thinks other men will prey on her. He keeps getting her pregnant and makes her take care of all the children while every day, he hangs out at Bukit Merah with his friends. Anais is thirty-four.
I think about all these people living in Singapore, all having to put on masks and pretenses just to get on with their day. Because they have nowhere to turn to. Because there is no way they can ever get justice for themselves. They have no other choice but to carry their pain and trauma around with them.
I think of all the suffering going on in the world.
And then I think about Gideon and Marianne’s actions towards me, and I don’t really feel like their actions are so bad anymore.
If I look at things from another perspective, their childish behavior doesn’t matter so much anymore. They’re attacking me to protect themselves. To protect their reputation. To protect their crumbling relationship from tearing apart. To protect their egos. To protect their sanity.
In that case, I’ll let them do whatever they need to, to appease their inner child.
I have my own inner child to tend to.