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The different beds

On By janetorylIn Divorce & Healing, Real thoughts, Travel memoriesLeave a comment

When we got married, D and I went shopping for a bed for our new home. For 30 minutes we were choosing between a queen sized or a king sized bed. “we should get a good bed since we’re going to be sleeping in it every night and also for at least 15 years” – our rationale for eventually splurging a good amount on a king sized bed, with an extra layer of bamboo-something, making the bed so high I often had to tip toe to climb onto it.

It was a really comfortable bed. But I probably only enjoyed good sleep on it for 6 months before I started losing sleep. It wasn’t the bed of course. It was the myriad of problems we were avoiding thinking and talking about that stole sleep from me. Very often, on the bedside table on my side of our bed, would be a glass of whiskey or gin, filled almost to the brim, just so I could drink myself to get rest, on this expensive hotel-grade bed.

I remember my childhood bed, a mattress I had slept on for at least 15 years and hugged my body just the right way. In it, I spent many nights worrying about the next day’s exam, fighting giggles while talking to friends past bedtime, crying my eyes out over puppy-love breakups. This bed was where my dog would jump up onto, to cuddle with me, where I would bend over to throw up when I got really sick, and what I eventually felt I was growing out of, once i started wanting to move out of my parents’ house. This bed was where I spent three years sleeping in the dark, after my uncle had drowned in the sea, and after I had dreamt of him sleeping beside me, cold and wet. I think and wonder how I wasn’t more afraid back then. But beds are beds, and I still needed to sleep in mine no matter.

On my brother’s bed where I woke up, the day after our marriage fell apart, I remember the pain soar up to my throat, to my head, into my fingers, my legs, but finally in my heart. My eyes burned up immediately with tears, and I stumbled into my parents’ bed, dragging myself into the space in between them. My parents, half awake, put their arms around me, like they used to when I woke up from a nightmare as a child. There, I cried a deep cry, thinking I would never recover from a pain like this. In their arms, they held me while they soothed my cries, unable to do anything else to help their darling daughter. Beyond my pain, I felt theirs. I felt their helplessness, and their hearts break ten times more than mine. There, in their bed, I was once more their little girl. I remember the pain but I no longer feel it anymore. All I want now, is for my parents to know that their little girl is doing much better now. I try to show them I’m doing well, but I fear they will take much longer to heal their own wounds.

The eventuality of beds is such that we find rest in them no matter how the day went. I thought about this alot as I slept on a rickety rackety sofa bed for a month, back when I was in Oxford doing a workaway for a single mum. It was slanted to one side and so my body was almost always slanted through the night. I would wake up with bad neck aches and still, I was much happier than I was on my King sized luxurious bed. I was free.

In Mexico, where I made my bed changed alot. A mattress on a floor with my two friends sleeping in the same room. A bed in an attic with a huge painting of an old man staring at me. A bed in a hostel where everyone felt immediately like friends. A bed on an island where I got bitten by the most vicious bugs, but where I saw the most beautiful sunrise.

I would wake up one day, feeling sad from a nightmare, haunting me from the past, and another day, feeling refreshed and excited for the future to come.

In the last 8 days, I slept in a rental van, on a thin mattress borrowed from a dear friend. Driving around the North of Scotland, this mattress saw some great sunsets. From the side of a lake, to a cliff overlooking the sea, this bed took me all around the NC 500 route. Laying between me and the cold hard floor of the van, this bed gave me some of the best rest I’ve ever had. I’ve slept better here, than in some hotel rooms.

It’s interesting that I feel more at ease on a stranger’s bed. I feel more rested in a bed I will only spend a night in, than one I can call my own. I think it is the mornings that feel different. On the road, while traveling, the day is always full of mystery. I never know what will happen, who I will meet and what new things I will learn. It’s the adrenaline of new sights and sounds that make every bed I sleep in now, more well used, for I fall into such deep sleeps and fascinating dreams.

its easier to give up

On By janetorylIn Real thoughtsLeave a comment

my head is pounding. it’s 4.24pm and i’ve been crying for more than an hour now.

i’ve told him i can’t go. i just can’t. i’m not emotionally capable of climbing a temple with god knows how many steps and be around with cheerful people when all i want to do is cry. i actually WANT to cry. because fuck me. this has been long time coming.

i lost her. i lost someone who was meant to love me forever. and i lost her. i’ll never get over it. it’s my mother’s curse all over again. she had a best friend and they broke up in their 20s. it’s been more than 20 years and my mother is still not over losing her best friend. i don’t want that for me. but what the flying fuck.

in the parking lot, my mother cries to me. and i can’t. i just can’t. i’m brought back to when i was 9 or 10, i don’t even remember. and i just feel once again, that i’m responsible for making her feel better. i’m responsible for her emotions and so i have to suppress all of my own. this time, i let it all out. i tell her how it felt as a child, to have an emotionally distant and emotionally unaware mother. i tell her the truth about how i never felt she understood me. i tell her 3 times in different ways until she understands. and i don’t care that it hurts her. because i want my words to sink in. i want my mother to know how much it hurt me as a child.

i’m crying so much my head hurts. it feels incredibly heavy.

after an hour of trying to sleep, i text rella.

she asks me to separate the ego from the self.

i tell her my triggers are on high alert today and i’m having an episode. she tells me to note the triggers and notice the common theme.

“fear of abandonment. feeling like i’m not worth the effort. feeling like they’re going to walk out on me as they always do”

“what does your ego want out of you feeling this way?” rella asks

“my ego wants to feel like it’s right, like all of my reasons for feeling insecure are justified. it wants to tell me I TOLD YOU SO”

“yea, it’s easier to put yourself down, isn’t it?” rella asks and she continues by prodding me “how strong do you feel you need to prove it wrong? how much of a fighter are you? it’s YOU against your Ego”

“i wanna prove it wrong so bad, i wanna fight it” I cry even more as i’m saying this. i want to punch my ego in the balls and beat it to a pulp.

“Notice the EGO is powerless and that YOU ultimately have the power? it’s not your job to make anyone else see you. it’s your job to see yourself first. when you are able to love yourself truly, and not abandon your needs, nobody else can abandon you. the only commitment others can do for you is to be there. ” rella continues

this is it ladies and gentlemen. this is true life.

in the moment where i’m fighting against my ego. because it might be easier to give into my ego and let it defeat me.

but i don’t do easy. so fuck you ego. i’m taking back my power.

You can’t entice a free bird with a Golden cage

On By janetorylIn Divorce & Healing, Real thoughtsLeave a comment

Once upon a time, two birds, Beng and Lian met on a palm tree and Beng fell in love with Lian.

To attract her attention, he brought her many gifts. First, he found a shiny piece of aluminium and placed it infront of her. Then he found a few shiny rocks and with immense effort, brought all of them infront of her.

Beng wore black sunglasses and gold on his feathers and feet.

Lian looked at the shiny things he brought but said to Beng “Thank you for your presents but I can’t accept them without knowing who you are. I cannot see your eyes because you’re wearing sunglasses, take them off so I can see your eyes and look into your soul.”

Beng replied, “I can’t take off my sunglasses now because I have a sore eye. Instead, let me show you a photograph of who I am”

He gave her a photograph of himself and Lian said, “you have kind eyes” and accepted his gifts.

After a few months of courtship, Beng brought to Lian the biggest shiny rock she had ever seen in her life.

“What is this for?” Lian asked Beng

“You deserve the best in the world, so I brought you this shiny rock to show you how much I love you” he said.

“But a rock cannot prove your love for me, show me your eyes,” Lian asked Beng again.

“My love, I would love to show you my eyes, but the Sun is too bright today, and when I took down my sunglasses off earlier, the sun rays burned my eyes and now they are even more sore. Instead, I will show you what I’ve been building for us,” Beng took her hands in earnesty and gently told her.

Lian didn’t want her darling Beng to be in pain and so she allowed him to lead her to what he’d been building.

“Look my love, I’ve been building a nest for us. It’s made out of gold! Do you like it?” Beng asked his dearest Lian.

“My love, this is wonderful, but where did you get all this gold?” Lian asked

“I’ve been saving up for many years, waiting for the right person to come along. And when I first met you, I knew you were the one for me, so I started to build this golden nest for us so we can live happily together here forever,” Beng said

“Forever?” Lian asked

“Forever. I give you my word, my dearest Lian, that you are the only one for me. I vow to always protect and honour you; I will never leave or forsake you” Beng said. And with that, he placed a golden necklace over her neck and placed a mirror infront of the both of them.

Lian ruffled her feathers and noticed how heavy the gold necklace weighed while she looked at them both in the mirror. She couldn’t care less about the necklace on her neck, but when she saw the way Beng was smiling at her, her heart filled with joy and she believed that he loved her.

“Then I give you my word as well Beng, that what’s mine is yours, and that my body, heart and soul belong to you. Let’s make a beautiful life together and I shall love you till the end of time”

But soon after they started living in this golden nest, Lian noticed that Beng was hardly around.

Every day, Beng would fly out of the nest in the early hours of the morning and return home late at night. Lian would find breakfast and dinner for her husband, and wait patiently for him to come home so they could spend time together.

Weeks passed and Lian asked Beng. “My love, is everything okay? You’ve been busy spending most of your life outside of this nest, and I’ve hardly been able to get to know more of you.”

Beng replied, “Lian I told you many times that my life outside of this nest is none of your concern and I’m working very hard to make our golden nest bigger. Didn’t you say that’s what you want? More gold and a bigger nest?”

Lian was shocked and immediately felt guilty for something she never said or did.

“I’m sorry love, I see that you’re tired. Maybe it’s because you’ve been carrying around this gold for so long. Why don’t you take the gold off and I’ll give you a nice warm bath, then you can have a good rest.”

Beng said to Lian, “I cannot take the gold off, it’s attached to my feathers, my parents had them sewn into me when I was born to show others that I’m special.”

“Isn’t it tiring to fly around with so much weight all the time? Why don’t you remove them?” Lian asked

“REMOVE THEM? Then I’ll look like any other bird out there, and I won’t be special anymore. Why would you even ask me something like that?” Beng started to get angry with Lian

Lian noticed that she could hardly see any expressions on Beng’s face because he still had his black sunglasses on his face.

But she didn’t want to anger Beng any longer, so she didn’t bring the topic up.

Months passed by and now Beng hardly shows any affection to Lian. He goes about his business every day, and on the weekends he hangs out with Lian but is hardly ever present. He mirrors everything she says and lets her plan all of their dates and holidays, but not once does he ever ask her if she’s okay or if she’s happy.

Lian found herself alone in their golden nest alot, and it started to feel more like a golden cage.

One day while she came from work, a big burly bird came by and said “WHERE IS BENG. HE OWES ME MONEY”

Lian asks this big burly bird “are you sure it’s my Beng who owes you money? We don’t have much at all, only this golden nest.”

“And who do you think helped Beng to build this nest? I took golden strands out of my own nest to give him a chance to be with you because when he first met you, he had nothing to his name”

Lian took off the golden necklace Beng once gave her and said to this big burly bird, “take this gold neclace back and I’ll get you more gold the next time you come”

When Beng came home from work that day, Lian showed him 10,000 golden strands that she borrowed from her friend.

“Beng, I know you borrowed some gold from your friend, and I don’t have much to my name. This is all I have – take it and return him some of the gold we owe him”

Tears started streaming down Beng’s face and he said, “are you not going to leave me because I lied to you? It’s true, I didn’t have much gold with me when we first met. I used to spend gold unwisely and I lost a huge amount of it before we met. I wanted to impress you and so I borrowed gold”

“I never wanted the gold, my love. I just wanted for us to be soul mates and love each other. Please take off the sunglasses so I can look into your soul”

“I would love to take off my sunglasses Lian, but I don’t think you will love me after you look into my eyes. So please, let me keep them on for now. We have a whole eternity together anyway, we will slowly build our life back together” Beng told Lian. He was secretly afraid that Lian wouldn’t like what she sees when he takes off his sunglasses. He had this fear of her leaving him once she finally looks into his soul.

Lian could sense that fear, but she loved Beng anyway so Lian forgave Beng and they made a plan – A plan to leave this nest and have a better chance to pay back the gold Beng borrowed from the big burly bird.

Over the next year, the big stress of paying off the gold weighed heavily on Beng and Lian. Lian took up 2 different jobs in the day, and Beng worked harder at work. The year did not go well for the both of them. And even though they slept in a golden nest, both of them felt no love from each other, only stress.

First, Beng started to sleep on one side of the nest without her, then they stopped ruffling feathers all together. When Lian asked Beng why he wouldn’t touch her anymore, Beng said he wasn’t attracted to her anymore and that he was too stressed with getting more gold.

That news sent Lian into a downward spiral of depression and she began to eat less and less. Every day, she would fly for hundreds of kilometres until she became lighter and lighter, so she could look more beautiful to Beng.

At the same time, Beng was asking himself “why does Lian not love me for who I am? Isn’t what Im giving her enough? I’m working my ass off day and night to provide a nice comfortable nest for us, I’m doing all I can to give us a brighter future. Why can’t she see that? Maybe she doesn’t love me for who I am?”

Beng came home each day more tired and eventually stopped caring or looking at Lian altogether. The stress of needing to get more gold weighed heavily on him and the guilt he had towards her wouldn’t stop gnawing at him.

“When we pay off the gold, things will get better,” he constantly told himself.

“When we pay off the gold, things will get better,” Lian constantly told herself.

A year passes and their chance finally came. “Lian! My boss is sending me to America! America, the land of the brave and the free. There, we will have more money than we need, and I can finally pay off the loan I took!”

Lian was excited and happy as Beng came home with this news, but now she was more concerned about other things.

“Beng, it’s been many moons since we’ve been together, I want you to take off your sunglasses and look at me, so I can look into your soul,” Lian asks

“No. I will not. I don’t need to do what pleases you. I’ve worked so hard over the last many moons, just so I can provide a golden life for you. What more do you want?” Beng said to Lian

“I never wanted the gold Beng, I wanted to see your soul,” Lian replied. But Beng’s anger only grew and grew. He felt like his love for Lian wasn’t enough and started to feel as if his efforts were never going to be acknowledged by Lian. On the other hand, Lian just wanted Beng to be with her, and actually build a life together with her and not FOR her. The two birds keep miscommunicating with each other and soon, even the greatest love they once felt for each other wasn’t enough.

The two of them distanced more and more, physically and emotionally until one day, Lian felt like the golden nest was too lonely for her, and decided to let Beng go.

“Beng I don’t think you are happy with me, and maybe you should find another bird to be with you. I don’t feel loved and I don’t think you feel my love for you too,” she said, with tears in her eyes.

“Lian no, don’t give up on us. As long as we stick together, our life will be for the better. In just one month, we will be in America! Where our dreams will come true and we can live happily together finally!” Beng said to Lian.

But deep down, Beng had already decided for himself – that since Lian had given up on him, he shall find himself a new bird. “That Lian is such a selfish bird. Everything I do, I do for her and still she tells me I’m not enough. Why can’t she see that I love her? Why can’t she accept me for who I am?” he thought to himself

5 days before they were about to fly to America, Lian could sense the big secret Beng was keeping from her so while he was sleeping one night, Lian took off the sunglasses he always wears, and shook Beng up abruptly.

When Beng woke up, he was confronted by a big pair of eyes staring deep into his soul.

All at once, he felt great shame and the light from the sun got too intense and powerful. He was afraid to let Lian see more into his soul so he shut his eyes up tight. “What are you doing Lian! I can’t see!”

“Open your eyes Beng, you’re safe with me. Just open your eyes and let the sun guide you” Lian tried to soothe her husband.

“No!!!! You have destroyed my eyes. You are an infection in my life. How can you rip apart the one thing I asked you not to touch! Give me back my sunglasses!” Beng roared at Lian.

Lian had never seen this side of Beng and terrified, she dropped his sunglasses to the ground and flew away. Away and away Lian flew from the golden nest, until she could no longer see or hear Beng.

Groping around for his sunglasses while keeping his eyes shut, Beng cried and cried in agony. He was in so much pain from the sun’s rays. “Why did she do that? Why did she betray me? I gave her all parts of me and just kept my eyes for myself, why did she not respect my wishes?” Beng cried aloud

“Here, I’ve found your sunglasses,” a sweet voice suddenly rang out. Beng felt a warm touch on his shoulders as he spun around to face the voice.

“Will you hand me my sunglasses please?” He said to the kind stranger.

“Sure,” she said, as she put the glasses on for him.

When he put on his sunglasses and opened his eyes, Beng was surprised. The kind stranger was another beautiful bird, one who looked completely different from Lian.

“Did you see where my wife Lian went?” He asked this beautiful bird

“No. But I don’t think she’s coming back. Why don’t I stay here with you instead? You look like a nice loving bird, and I really like your golden nest” she told him.

“Yes I think that’ll be great,” Beng said, completely mesmerized by this foreign bird’s presence and soothing voice.

Together, this new bird helped Beng to forget – all about his wife Lian who flew away. “She left me anyway, it’s not my fault. I have no guilt to bear, no shame to face” He told himself.

The next day, Beng went to the big burly bird and paid him the money he owed him. “Hows your wife, Beng?” the burly bird asked.

“I have a new wife now, the old one’s dead to me,” Beng replied coldly.

“Here is the necklace your wife once handed to me, she wanted to help you pay off some of the gold you borrowed from me,” Big burly bird said to Beng.

With ice in his heart, and a deep hatred for Lian, Beng brought the gold necklace home and said to his new wife.

“Here darling, I got this gold necklace for you. Let’s start a new life together with your gold necklace in our golden nest. And together, we shall make more gold and be happy.”

“That sounds wonderful darling, this beautiful gold necklace is just what I wanted! How did you know I love gold? I’ve been flying around all over, looking for a golden nest just like yours. I’m so happy your wife left you, so now I can take her place. As long as you vow to love me more than you loved her, I vow to be with you in this life so we can make everything we touch turn into gold and become the richest, happiest birds in town,” the new bird sang to Beng.

“And look darling, I bought you new sunglasses! I know your eyes hurt when your soul gets exposed to the sun, so I got you a few new sunglasses to wear on different occasions. I will never be like Lian who wanted to hurt you, I’ll protect your soul from the sun always,” the new bird continued

“You’re the true bird for me, I will love you forever, you were my soulmate all along” Beng said to the new bird, who felt happiness in her heart, as all she ever wanted was a bird to tell her she was worthy and loved.

And so, Beng and his new wife stayed happily ever after, in their golden nest with their gold necklaces around them. They had a few baby birds and built an even bigger nest. In the end,the nest became a tall and big golden cage, so that Beng and his new wife could keep their baby birds safe and protected. Even though none of them ever left their golden cage, their family was happy. Beng never had to take his sunglasses off and his new wife had all the gold she ever wanted. Even though Beng never confronted his soul to look deep down into who he was, he was happy to live in denial and so was his new wife, who was equally happy to live in denial as long as she was surrounded by gold and felt secured with Beng’s love for her.

Every day, Beng would fly out of their golden cage and fly right back into it to his family. Beng was contented. His new wife was contented. The more gold Beng brought to her, the more she was happy. The more sunglasses she bought for him, the more she was happy. The bigger their cage grew, the more they felt contented – hidden and protected away from the rest of the world, them turning a blind eye to the ills of the world, and the world completely indifferent to this family of birds and the gold they collect.

As for Lian?

She had, for once in her life, flown so far away from home that she discovered mountains and oceans far beyond the horizon. She learned about the existence of new lands! New birds! New cultures and new foods. She discovered more and more of herself and found new ways of flying higher and further. She experienced so much life in these new environments and decided to explore them slowly.

One day, she met another bird, this time with great big eyes. She looked deeply into his soul and saw who this bird was, as he looked into hers. They fell in love, truly and deeply this time, because they met each other’s souls.

Lian vowed to herself, never again, to trade her freedom for a golden cage.

They called her Cat the Crazy

On By janetorylIn Stories: Inspired by real lifeLeave a comment

Catherine was the youngest of 8 darling children. They all lived in Ang Mo Kio.

She had long hazelnut hair…. skin fair and light, unlike all her siblings who had dark hair and dark skin. Catherine was nicknamed Cat by her family, and Cat loved being a Cat.

She was 4 when she started meowing… to make her siblings laugh.

There was Cain the eldest who was 12 years older, Caleb who was 13. Cecilia was 12 and the one who could sing, Camilia, 11, who always smelled like a flower. Connie and Cassie, 8 years of age, could dance and were identical twins. Then just after the twins was little Cassandra, who at 6 years old could already carry things much heavier than herself.

The 8 Lim siblings lived a poor but happy life in Ang Mo Kio and often played House with each other. Cain and Cecilia would play Mama and Papa, the twins would be their babies. Caleb would always want to be their butler and Camilia would play the actress in a movie they’re watching. Cassandra would pretend she was the sofa and often had Cain and Cecilia sit on her. Little Cat often looked at this scene and want to play the sun, moon, or stars.

“No! You have to be a cat! That’s literally your name!” her siblings would all say

And so she would sit quietly to make her siblings happy and meowed the night away.

The next day, when playing House, everyone changed roles. “Today, Caleb and Camilia will be Papa and Mama, me and Cecilia will be the actors,” Cain said. “Connie and Cassie will be the sofa, and Cassandra you can be our Butler,” Cecilia continued.

“But what about me? Can I change roles? Maybe today I’m a bird?” Cat asked her older siblings.

“No! You have to be a cat! That’s literally your name!” her siblings would all say.

So it was decided that Catherine played the Cat of a scene that had different actors for the same characters, day after day.

Day after day, Catherine meowed like a cat, because whenever she did so, her siblings would laugh and pet her.

Day after day, month after month, and soon time rolled into years.

By the time Catherine turned 10, her parents finally realized their youngest daughter didn’t speak. It happened one day when her father was sacked from his job, and had to stay home with his children

“Children, let’s have some pancakes, shall we?” Mr Lim who had a tight moustache and a big belly, bellowed to his 8 children.

“Yes please!” Cain and Cecilia chimed, already sitting at the table waiting excitedly.

“Oh yes, I’d love some!” Caleb said, pulling out a chair at the table for himself.

“Thank you papa, they smell delicious!” the beautiful Camilia smiled sweetly at Mr Lim.

“YUMMMYYYYYY” said the twins and Cassandra, stuffing the brown delicious pancakes into their mouths.

Then Cat bit into a pancake and liked it so much, she let out a huge “MeeeeeOooooOooWwwww”

Her siblings laughed and laughed and laughed so Mr Lim laughed too.

Then he asked Cat if she wanted some more and again she said Meow Meow.

“You can stop meowing now, my dear, use your words and not sounds, you can’t be a cat all day” Mr Lim said sternly to his daughter.

But Cat looked at her father and titled her head to the side, wondering why he couldn’t understand her. “Meow meow meow, meow, meow meow?” which in Cat’s mind meant, “Can’t you understand me Papa?”

Mr Lim didn’t find this funny at all, and walked around the table to tower menacingly over Cat. “Stop this nonsense at once! I demand you to speak!” He shouted with his eyebrows all crunched up in anger.

“I am speaking Papa! Can’t you hear me and know what I’m saying?” Cat said, but all that came out from her mouth was more meow meow meow meows.

When Mrs Lim came home from cleaning houses all day, Mr Lim told his wife “You’ve got a crazy daughter”

So Mrs Lim, when tucking Cat into bed, whispered these words into her ears, “I know you just want attention, I’m sorry we can’t give it to you, I’m tired everyday and your father is a nuisance to deal with. I know you were just playing around and didn’t mean to make him mad. But now that you’ve angered him I have to sleep beside an angry man and I hope he’s not going to punish me. I don’t blame you at all my darling Catherine, I guess I’m just saying I understand. What it’s like to stand infront of a man you love, and have him look past your eyes at other women. What it’s like to give birth to 8 of his children and know that he has 8 others with other women. Cat, all I’m asking, is that starting tomorrow, you start behaving like a good girl should. I cannot give you more attention but know I always love you. Please start talking tomorrow and stop meowing because my life is already difficult enough. Goodnight”

Little Cat, at 10 years old, heard all of her Mama’s words. She turned to her side, her eyes still wide, and tears starting crawling down her cheeks. At first they crawled slowly, as if they were sleepy, then all of a sudden, her tears became hot.

Hot tears are now running not crawling at all, furiously out from Cat’s eyes…. down towards her cheeks. Cat cries and cries and cries and cries, until the tears run dry.

The next day when playing House, the siblings noticed something about their Cat. She would laugh and cry at the same time, and mess up all of their stage dialogue. “Let’s pet this good little cat,” Cain said. “Be a good cat, Cat”, Cecilia said.

But Cat just ignored them…. started walking on all fours, licking her hands and feet. She snuffed her nose up in the air at the Lim siblings, lay down on the floor on her side, and started purring. Cat was now so good at playing a cat, that suddenly all 7 of them got scared.

“Stop it now Cat, I don’t want to play anymore. Go back to being yourself” Caleb said, his eyes now full of fear.

Cat listened to her brother’s words and once again, her emotions grew big. Bigger and bigger, Cat’s feelings grew, bigger and bigger her meowing became.

She meowed and cried, and cried some more, then rolled over to play dead.

“Let’s leave her alone, she’s just being silly,” Connie and Cassie said.

So off they went, back into the house, and left Cat alone playing dead.

While playing dead, Cat thought to herself, hey! There’s finally calmness. No more shouting or yelling, or bossing around. She can now start to feel a quiet peace.

Dead, I shall be. Play a dead cat always. So everyone will leave me alone.

Ever since then, Cat was never again, asked to play House with her siblings. “She’s crazy, our Catherine. That must be the case. She’s crazy, she thinks she’s a cat”

Crazy Cat! She became that day, but Catherine didn’t mind it at all. At least they will leave me alone to be, so crazy Cat I will remain.

I remember when

On By janetorylIn Real thoughtsLeave a comment

I remember when all it took to love you

Was watching you laugh

When time slowed down, and I could hear your laughter ringing throughout the room. I could feel the vibrations bounce off my skin, reverberating off the walls and straight back into my ribcage, into my heart.

Moments when you’re still asleep and I’m still sleepy, me rolling over towards you, watching the soft sun beams light up parts of your face. Light up your eyebrows that carry no weight of the world, your lips that speak no lies.

The electricity pulsing at the tips of my fingertips when we first touch fingers, then warmth spreading very quickly all throughout my body – from the moment our palms touch to the moment my stomach registers how it feels to feel you.

I remember all the tears you shed onto my cheeks, as I held you against my body, soothing your pain. I remember the taste of your sorrows, as I invited them into my heart and vowed to carry us through the difficulties of life.

Love never departed us. We just stopped learning how to show love to each other. We stopped caring because we felt uncared for. We stopped waltzing with each other because we kept trying to figure out who first fell out of rhythm.

I stayed up all night, tell myself everything’s okay, our love is just harder to find. Every night, I’m dancing with a memory of us, a memory of you.

How do I love? How do I trust that you do love me? Can we even have different definitions of love?

I hear you tell me words and I tell myself – maybe you’re just momentarily in shock, temporarily tired.

But what if? I’ve been dancing with your ghost this whole time, and you’re already not here?

What if, I’m holding onto something that doesn’t really exist in this reality anymore?

It doesn’t quite matter does it? Because Now is made up of fleeting moments, and by the time we get here, it’s already yesterday.

Perhaps, you’ve been dancing with the ghost of me, and I no longer already exist.

If so, I wish you love and light, constant happiness, limited sadness, and always a never ending thirst for this third dimension life. I wish you endurance, I wish you peace, and I wish you carry pure love in your heart for humanity always.

I neither reject nor accept your bitterness

On By janetorylIn Real thoughtsLeave a comment

I neither reject nor accept your bitterness

How can I? It is not mine to reject or accept

But I see your bitterness and have tasted the dish that gave you that lingering taste in your mouth

I know how much you want to rinse your mouth with sugar, spice or just some ice to

numb the bitterness that has now developed an acidity on your tongue

It spreads doesn’t it? It’s spreading to the back of your mouth, to the space between your mouth and your lungs, it’s called the throat I think

And there it stays…….

No matter how much water you drink, alcohol you consume, drugs you force down into your system, that horrible blackhole of a feeling stays…………….and lingers.

Not even as Pain. But as Sorrow.

From Sorrow, it develops into anger….and the anger starts feasting on everything that once made you happy. Days pass…then weeks and now full moons have risen and fallen.

Yet this lump in your throat just doesn’t go down.

“Mama, it hurts” you turn to her and say. But she looks at you with empty eyes and says “My child, my back hurts more”

“Papa, it hurts” you pull on his shirt and point to your throat. But Papa is too busy asking Mama why she’s neglecting him.

So, instead…You retreat.

And you take a big piece of Acceptance, the same size of your Anger and force this great big ball of Dry……….Bitter………….Shit down your throat.

Now, it’s your stomach’s problem

And soon, it will be digested and transported to the rest of your body. You have just fed yourself a big ball of Anger Shit.

How will I even begin to accept this on your behalf? Even if you’re begging me to?

If I do so, I am not your friend nor your foe. I am a stranger who sees you suffering right next to me, and the stranger who goes “Hey, how’re you? Good I’m fine too. Cool. Cool. Cool. I have to draw my boundaries now, Bye!”

If I do so, I am being indifferent to you.

And that is something, I swore never to do again.

So my dear………..I neither reject nor accept your bitterness. For it is not mine.

But I hold you in a warm embrace. And become the walking stick you need when your legs suffer from the Shit that has taken its power. I become the tree you lean on for comfort when your concrete jungle suffocates you. I become the river you swim in just to feel mildly weightless because your body can no longer hold your own weight. I become the oxygen mask you use when your lungs have crumbled because of the Shit you’ve slathered them in.

I hold you while you digest the bitterness you’ve fed yourself. And one day, I’ll clean them out of your pores, wipe them away, catch them, dig them out, scratch them off.

One day………..when you finally realize I understand. Because I know.

I hope you’ll still remember the You who knows where to find Me.

How are you feeling, Jacob?

On By janetorylIn Stories: Inspired by real lifeLeave a comment

Eliza to Jacob: How’re you feeling today?

Jacob: I’m okay, life is a little busy now. We just got the keys to the house, renovations are underway, and Sarah is pregnant again. So we’re just making preparations for the baby while also handling a toddler, dealing with work and the new house.

Eliza: And so…how do you feel?

Jacob: I’m okay! Just tired, but excited to finally build a home.

Eliza: What are you doing about your tiredness?

Jacob: Uhh…what do you mean?

Eliza: When your body is tired, you go to sleep, right? What do you do when your mind is tired?

Jacob: Uhh….I don’t think my mind is tired, I’m fine honestly. I think it’s normal to feel this way given how everything is happening at once.

Eliza: Uh huh. And are you happy?

Jacob: Yeah of course I’m happy. Why wouldn’t I be?

Eliza: So why are you here then? With me?

Jacob: What do you mean?

Eliza: Why are you here, sitting in my office?

Jacob: Cos I have to? The court made me?

Eliza: Why did the court make you come?

Jacob: Because it’s corrupted and the law is created by the privileged? I don’t know what you’re getting at, but can you just get to the point? I hate it when people beat around the bush. Just spit it out.

Eliza: You’re here in my office, meeting me as a psychiatrist, because you knowingly punched a stranger just because they pissed you off. That stranger happens to be a doctor and didn’t want you to get into more trouble, so he requested for you to see me instead of taking you to court. You caused his face to split open, he needed 3 stitches on his chin. He could have caused you to lose more money, possibly even a minor criminal offence on your record.

Jacob: Oh come on, he wasn’t that badly punched. He was an asshole alright, he deserved my punches. If I could, I would do it all over again.

Eliza: Tell me why you got angry with him

Jacob: You know why. You have my file. Why are you asking me stupid questions?

Eliza: (Doesn’t answer and just keeps silent)

Jacob: Fine. I got angry because that asshole bumped into me so hard that my drink fell and he didn’t even bother apologizing. He even smiled at me as if he had intended to make me lose my drink. Since he wanted to be an asshole, I gave him what he deserved. I’ll admit, I was abit drunk that night and so I allowed myself to enjoy punching him, but I don’t regret it at all.

Eliza: How do you know he bumped into you on purpose?

Jacob: Why else would he be smiling like an idiot after I dropped my drink?

Eliza: I don’t know but I wouldn’t have assumed he did it on purpose. Did you let him explain?

Jacob: I didn’t need to. I know guys like him. They think everything is a joke in life. They sit on their privileged seats and they think guys like me are pushovers. I didn’t need to let him explain. And I’ll say it again – I don’t regret punching him.

Eliza: I see, so you don’t regret punching him. What do you regret then?

Jacob: What?

Eliza: When was the last time you regretted something?

Jacob: Never. I believe that everything in life happens for a reason, whether good or bad. I don’t regret anything. Nothing will change anyway, even if I regret. It’s such a useless emotion, I’d rather focus all of my attention on building my career and taking care of my family.

Eliza: I see. I understand you feel that regret is a useless emotion. But since we have another 20 mins, why don’t you just tell me a story of when you last regretted something? By the time your story is over, our time will be up.

(Jacob looks at his wrist watch and ponders for a while, staring right into Eliza’s eyes. She doesn’t bat an eyelid)

Jacob: Okay fine, i’ll play. Let’s see. I regret not punching my father when I had the chance to.

Eliza: Oh?

Jacob: He was a coward. He left my mum with 3 boys when I was just 10 years old. He left us for some rich old woman just because he wanted a new life. My mother gave him everything, and it still wasn’t enough. He hated being poor. So when he saw his chance to leave his old life, he took it and just left us. No goodbyes, no apologies, nothing. He even left my mother with a ton of debt and a big pile of mess to clean up. He’s a fucking coward and I hate him. I wish I just knew where he was because I would walk right up to him and beat him up so bad.

Eliza: How did you feel when your father left? You were 10, right?

Jacob: I don’t know. I was 10. I didn’t have the capacity to feel. My mother had to take on 2 jobs and I had to look after my 2 younger brothers. I just remember wanting to grow up faster so I could take the financial burden off my mom.

Eliza: It must have been hard for you, when your father left. If you could see your 10-year-old self now, and ask him how he feels. What would he say?

(Jacob is visibly shaken now, his fingers gripping onto the sofa tightly. His right leg that was initially crossed over his left knee is now on the ground, and his eyes dart between Eliza’s blue blouse and his hands)

Jacob: He would say….that he’s lost. You know, my father used to pick me up from school sometimes. My mother was working all the time, while his work was more flexible, so he would wait for me infront of school and we’d always go for ice cream together. He would tell me all these stories of his dreams, and that one day he was going to fulfil all of them. When he left, I just felt lost…..and confused. Like, why?

He didn’t even say goodbye. He didn’t give any explanation. He just upped and left.

Eliza: If he had told you he was leaving, would you have been upset with him?

Jacob: I don’t know. But I know that I can’t forgive him for leaving us. He was my father. Not some random man. He was supposed….(Jacob is suddenly tearing up and his voice is croaking) he was supposed to protect us, you know? Isn’t that what fathers do? He was supposed to care for us, to love my mother, to teach me how to be a man. But he just left. That fucking coward. He just left. And he never even looked back. Not even once.

Eliza: What would you say to your father if he was here today

Jacob: I wouldn’t say anything. I would just punch him until I see his face all bloodied up. And I’ll make him apologize to my mother infront of her grave. I’ll make him pay for what he did to us.

Eliza: Jacob, you’re here because you punched someone. Try to use your words instead of your fists. Humour me, and tell me what you would say to your father.

Jacob: I would tell him to fuck off and eat my shit.

Eliza: And?

Jacob: And that he deserves no happiness in life. I hope he rots in hell.

Eliza: And?

Jacob: And nothing. He doesn’t deserve my forgiveness.

Eliza: You don’t have to forgive someone who isn’t asking for your forgiveness

Jacob: I thought you would ask me to forgive him

Eliza: You don’t. You just need to acknowledge how you feel towards him. And allow that 10-year-old self to now be properly taken care of. Let the young Jacob know, that he’s safe now. And that his mother lived a good life even after her husband left her. She was happy with her life, wasn’t she?

Jacob: (Tears are streaming down his face) Ye…Yea, My mother always knew how to see the best in every situation. No matter how tired or hard life was for her, she would always tell me to “let it be”. She really was the best. Cancer sucks.

Eliza: It does.

Jacob: I get it. You’re trying to tell me I have anger issues because of my good for nothing father.

Eliza: I’m not trying to tell you anything. I’m helping you understand where your fight/flight instincts come from. The more you understand yourself, the more you realize that we are all interconnected. Our actions cause a ripple effect in other people’s lives. Just like your father’s actions planted a seed of anger within you.

Jacob: I’m not a violent person you know. Before that guy, I never punched anyone else. I think I’ve just been too stressed up with everything that’s going on.

Eliza: I understand. But you did cause physical hurt to someone who probably didn’t actually mean to upset you. How do you feel about your actions towards him now?

Jacob: I don’t know. I’ll have to think about it.

Eliza: That’s fine. I’ll see you soon Jacob. Until the next session, just remember this – we are allowed to feel angry, ashamed, regretful and sad. We are completely allowed to. To err is to be human. And all of us have made mistakes before. For now, you still have a chance to make things right in your life. But the more you suppress your emotions, especially about things that happened in your childhood, the more they will manifest into uncontrollable reactions.

Jacob: I’ll see you next week Dr Young. Same time same day.

Eliza: See you Jacob, don’t forget to say goodbye.

(Jacob smiles at her while nodding, waves goodbye and Eliza sees him out the door)

Learning from Nature: The concept of mortality

On By janetorylIn Real thoughts, Travel memoriesLeave a comment
Closest image I can find to what it looked like

This morning, right outside our bungalow hut on the island, we witnessed the magical moment of possibly hundreds of thousands of flies hatching at the same time, ascending into the world for the first time. Spring it seems, has arrived for these flies.

As we watched the beautiful moment of life being born into this world, I started imagining the adventures these flies will get up to now that they’ve just hatched. Perhaps they’ve been waiting to try Aussie coffee at Bubba’s! Or maybe they’re excited to check out the beautiful beaches their mother has visited before! Or maybe they’re going to just mate and die!

Either way, it was so fun watching these babies ascend upwards together, brothers and sisters off into the world, each on its own life journey.

Spidyyyy (if anyone knows what type this is please lemme know)

And then Marco decided to check out the bush where they hatched from, and he hastened me to go over. “Boo, come! Quick!”

I rushed over in excitement only to find a spider’s web full of trapped flies!!! Oh…the sorrow I felt. The spider was spinning the flies in a substance that we assume helps to preserve the flies so it can keep food for storage, much alike modern humans going to a grocery store to get supplies, or a farm dweller butchering their animal in exchange for dinner.

From feeling sad for the flies, I quickly became in awe of the wonders of Nature. Out of so many flies, this spider took only a few, its web spun for the amount of food it needs.

The concept of mortality becomes fluid. The death of a few flies in exchange for a longer lifetime of the spider.

It got me thinking, that perhaps this is why flies don’t live for very long. Some of them die within 24 hours even, after mating. A spider however, lives for between a few to 20 years. Perhaps, this is because it has learned how to create a sustainable lifestyle for itself as compared to the fly.

Spidy’s home, somehow protected

We continued observing Spidy as it shuttled between his kitchen and his living quarters, plucking a fly out from his ‘fridge’ and carrying it home to savour. It had spun a web of protection around a leaf and made it home.

I then thought about how easy it would be for us humans to crush it. To destroy its home and kill it. How many other species is Spidy vulnerable against?

Is this why Humans have become the top of the food chain for this amount of years? By learning how to protect ourselves against threats and maintaining a constant flow of food? Of course it has been so. But the explanation has never been portrayed in such a gentle manner.

It hasn’t been that long anyway, since we savagely crawled our way up by learning how to protect ourselves against weather and other species, and manipulating things to ensure our oversupply of food source. Now however, is a good example of how we’re part of Nature and not greater than it. The viruses, climate change, and many signs of threats towards Human mortality are all showing us that we’re not living sustainable lifestyles for our species. Soon, perhaps, some of us will evolve in adaptation and the others will become extinct.

The book Sapiens describes the historical evidence of Humans destroying life in our eagerness to survive and thrive.

Yet, what also intrigues me is to study the other species of this world. Are there more savage species around? Are there some who have adapted to survive with a deep knowing that their longevity is interconnected with other parts in Nature? What are they?

Seeing the flies being born and die in a minute reminds me about the concept of Mortality.

We all live and die in this world. Mr M would say there isn’t a meaning to life, it’s just a bunch of random occurences happening.

But I’m a little more inclined to question this – Is there more meaning to life?

Journal entry: Seeing is believing

On By janetorylIn Real thoughtsLeave a comment

It’s cool to observe people’s body language, hear the tone change in their voice, sense the things they’re not saying. And just be a vessel of words to them , so it would set forth a phase of internal flurry. Good or bad, a force is just a force, good or bad is only the meaning humans attach to them.

Difficult things happen to different people, all to increase our level of empathy. Not just so we can become compassionate but to prepare for the moments we come across someone we can deeply relate to, and in that moment gain trust from each other and share information. The key is to create a desire to share information. That seems directly correlated to someone’s fate. Some people seem to have had a purpose to cause destruction so as to eventually pave way for unity to happen. The coming together of units is best facilitated by an equal amount of force in the opposite direction. Everything will balance itself out. Its not something we can control. Every action will have a consequence, whether big or small and its not up to us to stop it. But the more experienced we get perhaps the more we can decide where to devote our energy to, the liberated? Or the chained?

Who are we? And in which lifetime? Which form? Which color? Which planet?

Are we all one substance putting on clothing or are we stained clay that carries these stains with us for eternity?

Is there an air traffic controller in the sky? Helping us clear traffic as much as possible? Or is it more like a bunch of people just making sure we are following our soul’s intentions (that can probably change over time? Time not being linear??)

Maybe a bunch of beings that we can eventually become depending on our karmic paths? And anyway I feel the point is not to understand things we’re not meant to understand. Perhaps the point is not to know what life is like outside of the womb, because you first need to go through 9 months of changing before you can enter that world and be ready for that world’s challenges.

Is that our we ascend different levels? By achieving that stage of life’s purpose? So if we achieve its purpose our soul can level up, whereas if we don’t achieve our purpose in that lifetime, we demote to the previous level we came from? I’m so curious to study about this again, and find more answers by cross referencing the different religions and cross studying different cultures, species, cross check with nature’s lessons too. And law of physics, neuroscience, there’s so much I want to read up on. Study art history to understand the different bridges created for us.

Movies. Music. Alternative arts. Nature. Study these and learn. Learn another language, exercise foreign muscles. Make art. Experience art. Send good vibes. Allow good vibes to reach you.

Awakened

On By janetorylIn Real thoughtsLeave a comment

2 days ago, I experienced something phenomenal.

My soul awakened because I finally saw and believed it existed. I can sense the skeptism in me and yet there is a deep knowledge that I know my soul exists, I just don’t fully understand it yet. I was born into a Christian family and so the concept of soul was taught by them. But I never resonated with their ideas. In fact, after studying Buddhism for a while, their beliefs felt more right to me. Then after studying with the Bahai’s for another year, I felt that I resonated the most with them. But all of these different truths, all of these different languages, all tell us the same things, if only we bother to study more and piece all of them together.

Knowing and understanding feels so differently. The soul knows but the human mind understands.

Yesterday felt like I had suddenly understood a whole new language. I now have enough understanding of the language that I can begin to see the world through its lens.

Ego is not something big, but in fact a really small part who we are. It just creates a block in us, preventing us from certain truths. Anxiety is the basis of wanting to control, the false assumption that we can change our future, when we can’t and shouldn’t.

Love is the default of us all. We all know how to love everyone but because of things that happened before/after, we somehow develop an Ego to protect ourselves first. And that can sometimes block our love from reaching others.

I think before, I was always just grasping at figments of the truth, but once I connected with my soul for the first time in a long time…I felt pure love. Pure love that we’re all made up of.

All the knowledge I’ve been collecting over the years about different political systems, religious systems, about humanity, about science, relationships, parenting, education, everything……started to link up and make sense.

I started to see the vibrations, feel the energies. It was incredible.

And now that I’ve experienced it before, it’s time to answer that soul’s calling to a higher self.

It’s so cliche – but the more we know, the less we know.

My path forward is clear. To connect with my higher self even more. To learn and understand more of what I’ve “forgotten” and to find my soul’s purpose in this existence.

Finally, this is what I’ve been searching for. To embrace and set aside the Ego. To embrace and understand the Self. And to make sense of what this life is for. Not because life isn’t good. But I’ve always felt there was a deeper calling than just enjoying life. I’ve always felt that my purpose is to help others. In what ways I don’t know yet. But I’m so enjoying this journey! I’m so excited. I can’t wait to learn and understand more that I don’t yet fathom.

Marking this date down because it was so significant for me. I actually experienced an awakening. Amazing. 25th April 2022.

To be Human Is To Make Mistakes

On By janetorylIn Divorce & Healing, Real thoughtsLeave a comment

When I was younger, I developed a desire to overachieve. Reasons aside, I grew up to become self-conscious of what people thought of me, as well as how I can adapt so as to be more perfect as a person.

Over time, events have shown me again and again, that Life isn’t meant to be perfect and neither are we, as humans.

Still, I like to study what it means to be Human, all because I have been searching for what it means to be Me. Where does my identity come from? Where do my desires, fears and wants derive from? How should I find my way to living a fulfilled life? What can give me a meaningful purpose in life beyond enjoying it?

“I’ve always tried to make sense of things. There must be a reason why I am as I am”

Bicentennial Man, 1999

In the movie Bicentennial Man, when asked why he wanted to become human, instead of live forever as a machine, Andrew, played by Robin Williams replied:

“To be acknowledged for who and what I am, no more, no less. Not for acclaim, not for approval, but, the simple truth of that recognition. This has been the elemental drive of my existence, and it must be achieved, if I am to live or die with dignity.”

Before he made the full transition from Android to Human, he had a conversation with the woman he loved, Portia. She was about to marry another man because she couldn’t accept loving a robot. Yet, you could see in her the desire for him to fight for her. She was almost begging for him to make the decision for her.

Portia: Take chances, make mistakes. Sometimes, it’s important not to be perfect. It’s important to do the wrong thing.

Andrew: Do the wrong thing? Why? Oh I see, to learn from your mistakes.

Portia: No! To make them. To find out what’s real and what’s not. To find out what you FEEL. Human beings are terrible messes, Andrew.

Andrew: I see. This is what is known as an irrational conversation, isn’t it?

Portia: No, this is a human conversation. It’s not about being irrational, it’s about following your heart.

Uncontrollably, while watching this scene, my mind brought me back to a conversation I had with my ex-husband.

We were talking about him being in love with another woman, and he was trying to be truthful with me. I could see that. As hard as the conversation was, he was trying to tell me something I think neither of us could understand at that moment.

“I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what’s right. My friend told me to follow my heart. And I told him that I was afraid to do that. What if following my heart means hurting you?”

When I first heard him say that to me, 2 whole years ago, my heart didn’t quite sink immediately. My pride got destroyed, but something inside me agreed wholeheartedly with him. I think we both felt that what we thought was love……was not true. We didn’t really love each other. But parts of us craved it so much we thought we could will it to happen.

At that time, we weren’t in an estranged relationship as we are now. Messy divorces destroy relationships. Many things were said and done between us, and we can no longer repair whatever bond or trust we had before. But back then…..when we still had that connection, I said to him.

“Don’t worry about me. No matter what happens, I’ll always be okay. If you choose someone else, I’ll eventually still be okay.”

Of course, as we all know, life is not as simple as that. The truth sometimes hurts. And in the coming 2 years, Truth revealed itself in many ways, of who, what, why and how. And it hurt. While dealing with pain and shame, humans do what their animalistic instincts tell them to – Fight or flee.

In the end, names were called, accusations were made and even more pain and shame ensued. For the overthinker and self conscious person I am, I struggle with both anger and guilt, always almost at once. On one hand, I want to acknowledge the wrongdoings done towards me, things said about me, on the other hand I want to be kind, understanding and focus on my own faults instead.

But that’s what being human is, isn’t it? As a species, we are so vulnerable and insecure, having risen up to the top of the food chain in just a short matter of time, when evolution used to happen over hundreds of thousands of years.

Being human is to have all of these contradicting thoughts and emotions, all clashing inside our minds at times of conflict. Conflict between us and others, conflict within ourselves.

The truth, although it hurt, is that I wasn’t quite sure of what I was doing back then. I wasn’t sure what I wanted in life. I let external factors decide for me. If given a choice between A or B, I never asked for C, even if I didn’t really want either A or B. On top of all of the uncertainty I had about myself and how I should live my life, I cared too much of what others thought. I unnecessarily sought people’s approval.

In his dying moments, Andrew’s life-partner Portia, played by Embeth Davidtz, asked why he needed the world’s approval – Why did it matter if the world viewed him as human if he was able to live a good part of his life as one?

“Old habits. I came into this world as a robot, I still like to be told certain things.”

This complete acceptance of who he is as a person, without needing to change or be perfect, is admirable. Now that I’ve started to understand where my people-pleasing/ fixer tendencies stem from, its easier to decide when to give in and when to reject them.

The movie follows Andrew as he slowly figures out the different desires he has, each arising at different stages, but all pointing to the ultimate goal of him wanting to become Human. From at first wanting to wear clothing, asking for facial expressions to later on asking for freedom, searching for his own kind and even going through the process of becoming human, Andrew spent a good 200 years exploring different facets of himself. The entirety of his being was constantly changing and growing, as he started understanding himself better.

Though he spends good effort in making permanent changes so as to be acknowledged as a human by humans, in the end, he passes away peacefully without hearing that his status has been converted from Robot to Human. “Maybe he didn’t need to hear it,” Portia told the nurse who was caring for them. Moments later, we witness the sweet ending of Portia crossing the end of life, minutes after Andrew.

Alas, pain is inevitable at times, especially in the pursuit of the truth. And just as Andrew discovers, loss, grief and mistakes are all part of the human existence.

While embracing who I am, I also realize that life as a human is incredibly messy and there’s no need for us to crave perfection or to be acknowledged by anyone else but us. We might want it, but we don’t need it to be happy.

The biggest mistake I made in life also brought about the biggest lessons. I’ve had other regrets in life before, but never the determination to learn from them. As they say, certain things take time to happen. Everyone journeys through life at their own pace, in their own time.

Writing to remind myself to practice Patience. That it’s okay to be imperfect because that’s the very definition of being Human.