My fist has been so tightly bound to hold on to whatever small amount of knowledge I thought was right. I’m gripping onto this “truth” so tightly, my thumb firmly clasping onto all 4 fingers, commanding them not to be at ease. I’m holding my fist so tightly that my nails have dug into my skin and it’s bleeding. But still, it seems so hard for me to unclench my first.
“LET GO” I’m screaming at myself. LET GO AND OPEN UP YOUR PALM, SO YOU CAN OPEN UP YOUR MIND.
If you’ve watched Harry Potter, and you remember the part where Harry started seeing things from Voldemort’s POV, then you’ll completely understand the reference I’m using here.
If you haven’t watched Harry Potter before, here’s a quick summary:
The “good guy” in this story is Harry and his friends, the “bad guy” is Voldemort. When Voldemort wanted to kill Harry (as a baby), his mother protected him and her love for Harry created such a strong defense that the killing curse Voldemort cast onto her rebounded and struck himself instead (sounds interesting enough to make you watch the movies now???? I hope so but sorry this is kind of a spoiler)
Unfortunately, Voldemort had pre-empted this happening before and had previously split his soul into several pieces. When the curse rebounded and hit him, it split his soul apart again, and part of it went into the closest living thing around – Harry.
The piece of soul existed in Harry ever since and branded his forehead with a lighting bolt scar.
At one point in his adolescence, Harry started hearing voices in his head and seeing things from Voldemort’s perspective. He could feel what Voldemort felt and started second-guessing himself. Was he bad? How does he know who he really is if he can’t control his thoughts and emotions?
Why am I talking about this?
When I started reading up about narcissism, I felt like Harry. But more importantly, I felt like we could all be Harry at some point.
Something happened to us (out of our control) and perhaps seeded in us the potential to be dark. The traumatic event or events that happened to us cast wounds onto us. Wounds that would teach us all of us have light and dark inside us. We don’t grow up to be good or bad people, but people who do good or bad things.
Other than actual disorders (not developed but existed from birth), all of us had to learn how to cope with recovering from trauma. Some of us live with more darkness and some of us live with more brightness, depending on whether we had people to teach us, love us and show us how to manage the two competing forces that both reside in us.
“how to scientifically prove someone is a narcissist????” – was the first thing I typed in the google search bar.
As I read on and on and on about narcissism, I realized that there wasn’t much use in trying to decide if I am a narcissist, he is a narcissist or they are narcissists.
The reason I latched onto the topic of narcissism was because I was trying to find answers I wanted to hear, not answers I already know but am finding it hard to accept.
Finding out about narcissism was like finding out a brain tumor. The brain tumor was easier to blame than accepting that the person you once loved and loved you so much is suddenly giving up on you. The brain tumor is easier to blame than accepting that things happened because you had a part to play in it too. The brain tumor is the scapegoat for things and even takes away blame from your perpetrator.
“Oh!! THAT’S WHY they did this, THAT’S WHY this happened.”
When certain things happen to us, they happened out of our control. Death of a family member, a partner deciding to leave a marriage, a truck driver running over a child, a company going bankrupt and the management deciding to fire you even though you’ve given the last 10 years of your life to it.
These things all happened OUT OF OUR CONTROL. And that’s when trauma happens. Trauma recovery is trying to find meaning to the things that happened to us. “But why me? Why my loved one? Why us?
The WHY haunts us for such a long time, until we’re able to unlearn many things that we built our lives upon and relearn many things that this lesson wanted to teach us.
People who don’t seem to struggle with the WHY as much are usually people who’ve already understood and accepted the wisdom behind things.
It’s cliché but I’ve really started to understand that all of what happened with my ex happened because I needed to learn certain hard lessons. I don’t believe that God or some higher being planned and executed a plan for me to go through hardship. But I do believe that I can choose to look at things in this perspective. Faith is not based on facts anyway; faith is built upon choice. We choose to believe things, and I choose to believe that life knew I was due for a reality check.
What have I learnt then? You may ask
I was reading an old email my ex sent, and he was sharing his thoughts with me regarding one of the fights we had. He wanted to explain a little more about why his actions were this way, and out of all the things he said, I realized that he DID indeed tell me his inner truth before. He did try to be vulnerable with me.
“ What I think the root cause is, deep down I’m afraid that I’m not the right one for u. I constantly am disappointing u in the little things and I really think I’m afraid that I disappoint (you further) “
As I read this, I felt so sorry. Sorry to him that I couldn’t understand him better. Sorry that I wasn’t yet mature enough to see past my own insecurities, see past my own issues and love him the way he needed to be loved.
In trying to find proof that he may be a narcissist and proof that I could have been one too, I realize what I was trying to do, was make up for the fact that I felt guilty for giving up on us.
At the end of the day, we both gave up.
A very wise follower said to me the other day “Be prepared for the triggers that will come from re-living and re-visiting all these past events. I hope soon, you will be ready to leave them in the past where they belong, start making new memories and enjoy your present”
She didn’t say “Time will heal.” Or “ You just have to move on”
She just wanted me to realize that every time I visit an old wound, I don’t just get angry at him, I get angry at myself too.
She hasn’t been the only wise person to share some lessons with me via social media. So many of you have been sending me little nuggets of wisdom – wisdom that I’m so grateful for. I read them over and over again sometimes, just to learn something new each other I interact with others.
What I’ve learnt from these last few weeks, is that we always have a choice to respond to things. We also have a choice to let go of things (once it becomes easier to).
I want to let go. And I’ve set my intention to genuinely do it.
To let go of my anger for myself. To let go of the perfectionistic standards I’ve set for myself. To let go of people’s perceptions of me.
To realize that working on myself and ensuring I become better as a person is the best way to honor life. To realize that light and dark both exist in me. But that it’s always up to me to choose.