synonymsforjane

I first arrived in Croatia, fresh out of a 7-month long “travelship” with a wonderful person who taught me so much about life and philosophy. We traveled together through England, Scotland, and finally Albania.

There, we parted ways and I arrived in Croatia, once again as a solo traveler.

Croatia is gentle and kind to solo travelers and boasts of many amazing hostels and ‘cheap’ apartments during the off-season (from October to April)

I was going to spend 2 weeks in Croatia before heading to Italy. But Croatia completely mesmerized me.

And so, I decided to stay longer and ended spending 3 months in Croatia. My parents even visited me during Winter (Nov to Dec 2020) and we roamed around Zadar, Plitvice National Parks, Rovinj, Krka National Park and Hvar island.

By this time, I had already been traveling for 10 months and witnessed many beautiful landscapes and towns. But there was something about Croatia that just intrigued me so much.

Eventually, after going back to Singapore in Jan 2021, I decided to back to Croatia in March 2021. Not gonna lie but a certain charming Italian who was living there was also part of the reason I went back. I’m a sucker for love and I was curious about Mr M and wanted to see if anything could develop between us.

Making friends in Croatia was a breeze. In October 2020 when I first visited, I stayed in a hostel called World Wide Web hostel for 2 weeks. It was in a convenient part of the city in Zagreb and there were planned activities for anyone to attend.

Soon after I moved to Zagreb in 2021, I started scouting for my own place. From FB groups, I managed to find Marin – a Croatian who moved to Dubai 10 years ago to be a flight steward and was now moving back to Croatia.

He helped us find a really great place in the city and together, we moved into the apartment with our landlord’s son – Petar!

The apartment itself was an old walk up with beautiful chandeliers and high ceilings. We held quite a number of parties there because we had both a sitting room and a living room.

I worked really well in that apartment because the wifi connection was strong and the room was big and airy. Whenever I felt bored, I’d go out for a quick walk around the city’s gardens or grab a gelato.

Nomading in Croatia was really easy. In the same year, Croatia had been actively pursuing nomads to live there, they even created a nomad visa which allowed people to stay there for up to 1 year (tax-free) I never actually applied for it but a few of my friends did.

Once Spring began and the weather started getting warmer in April/May, the activities in the city started booming.

In Zagreb alone, we often went for parties held all around the city. The bar scene was decent and by the time summer swung around, there were festivals being held almost every other weekend. Of course, during the summer, most of us escaped the city and went down to the coast instead. The Dalmatian coast to be exact!

The dalmatian coast is really beautiful. In Zadar, I found many nice apartments for 30euros a night (off peak) and long walking paths along the sea. The town itself is the 3rd largest in Croatia and has many good seafood restaurants.

In Split, the old town puts everyone in a romantic mood and you can take ferries to the nearby islands of Hvar, Brac, Korcula, Solta and Vis. These islands had lives on their own and as long as you have a car, it’ll be easy to find accommodation and restaurants there.

The best part about living in Croatia for a year was having the chance to build a little community there. I met some incredible ladies who were all girl bosses and so lovely.

Marco and I developed a great relationship in Zagreeb and I loved getting to know his colleagues in Rimac. They were working on the La Nevera and already saw each other every day at work and yet they still really enjoyed seeing each other almost every night! Haha.

Anyway, they were a fun and spirited group of engineers and they were family for the period of time I lived there. I miss you everyone!

A fun fact about Croatia many people might not know

Almost every beach in Croatia (along the coast) has a nudist section!

The rocks will mark the beginning and end of the nudist sections but yea! For such a conservative country, I was surprised there were so many local nudists (even the older folks) enjoying the sun during the summer.

Things I really enjoyed in Croatia

• Living in different cities like Zagreb, Zadar, and Split
• Spending weekends in smaller towns like Rovinj, Omis, Trogir, Vrbnik, Sibenik, Pula
• Spending time in the national parks – Krka and Plitvice
• Exploring the different islands – Rabisland, Hvar, Brac, Solta, Krk, Dugi Otok (our favourite)
• Great seafood along the Dalmatian coast
• Great wine!! Just ask Charine 😀
• Festivals and parties during the summer
• Friendly locals!! (Just don’t ask them for small change hahaha)
• Good transport in and between cities (You can take buses or uber)
• Transport in towns are a little harder so try to rent a car
• Plenty of supermarkets everywhere
• Every town/city has a local market too where you can get fresh groceries
• Most people do speak English because it’s a tourist-driven economy
• Wifi was generally very strong
• Many hiking routes on mountains
• Many many beautiful places to view sunset
• There’s a huge nomad community there so activities are aplenty!
• When you rent apartments, they usually come with a kitchen
• Croatia is very close to Slovenia, Montenegro and Italy so it’s a good place to base off from!

I hope you enjoy Croatia as much as I did!

If anyone wants some inspiration of where to visit in Croatia, please visit Olivia’s site! She puts in alot of effort to promote Croatia.

Hvala Bok bok!

I fell off my scooter yesterday. It wasn’t a bad fall but it did split my knee open and because the wound was deep, I needed an X-ray and stitches.

And throughout the entire hospital stay, the only thing I could remember was how painful it felt during my last traumatic incident. And then I asked myself – why is that always the first thing I think about? Why does my mind always pull me back to that?

I remember before the divorce, my last traumatic memory was of my Uncle drowning in a ferry accident about 10 years ago. It took my whole family a good 6-7 years of not quite talking about it to heal. We got a dog, Pepper, who was the best therapy dog. And all of us just kind of buried our sadness and pain into him. We loved him and he loved us dearly. And interestingly, the year my father finally found the courage to go back to fishing, Pepper developed a tumor in his brain and had to be put down because of his constant seizures and suffering.

Since the divorce, whenever something painful happens, my mind immediately pulls me back to how it FELT – when things happened. Whenever that happens, it’s like I’m experiencing everything all over again. All of the emotions. All of the flashbacks. All the colliding impulses just come crashing in again.

Then I started reading about the effects of trauma and how it does leave semi-permanent/permanent damage to our brains. It majorly impacts the way we react to triggers or incidents in life. These last longing effects don’t give us much of a warning before they swing by and hit us like a wrecking ball.

And that’s just one episode. It affects me in ways that are so stupid. I can’t sleep well, I can’t eat well, I become severely depressed. But I refused to let it change who I am. So instead of focusing on how painful each episode felt like, I focused on healing. I told myself, that a series of things must happen if I want change. And 2 years on, I can proudly say that I can FEEL the healing happening.

Even when I get episodes nowadays, they don’t last more than a few minutes. I now understand why people say “Vibrate higher” because healing takes you to an elevated level of consciousness and awareness of who you are and what you’re made of. And because of that, even if the episodes happen again, you can acknowledge that the person who experienced all of that has grown up already. That person has evolved and so the past hurts no longer indicate anything of them.

Quite often, people write in to me and ask me some questions. And I thought I’d answer some of them here today, just in case anyone else was reading too.

“How did you heal from such a traumatic event?”

Traveling helped me the most. I needed the distance away from my loved ones. I was really wounded and really vulnerable, and being away from everyone allowed me to find my own truth and answers to the burning questions I had. I know alot of you who are going through tough breakups now are plagued and hammered day and night by these questions. And I would encourage you to just write these questions down. Not to answer them but to keep them on your mind so you can get a sense of which questions really intrigue you versus which are just there to hurt you. There are certain questions that don’t need to be answered yet, so leave them aside. Try to focus on questions that really bug you. And importantly, focus on questions ONLY YOU can answer.

There’s no point trying to get your ex to answer these questions. It’s very rare that they will give you honest answers, especially when now, all they want is to get rid/get away from you. Also remember, they don’t owe us anything. I know it feels like they do. I know. But they really don’t. They themselves are also on their own journeys to figure out what went wrong.

Just because they’re the ones who chose to leave doesn’t mean they’ve got their lives sorted. Many times, they leave because they’re equally if not more lost than you.

The other things that helped – going for long walks / exercising/ picking up a new hobby/ talking to new people/ THERAPY!!! So important. I’ll write another post about why and how therapy/life coaching can really help.

“How did you forgive your ex?”

You don’t need to forgive your ex to heal. You can just accept that their actions hurt you and there’s nothing they can do or say to ever make that go away. But remember that a marriage takes two to break and I’ve always said from the start that I have my fair share of blame to account for. My ex is also entitled to his own feelings and doesn’t have to forgive me.

Neither of us ever need to forgive each other. And that’s okay. At some point of your healing journey, you will be able to accept that that bond you had with your ex is poisoned and broken already. Because of the pain each of you feel (everyone’s feelings are valid), it’s something almost impossible and also unnecessary for both of you to like each other again – even as friends.

You don’t have to be liked by your ex and neither does your ex need to ever seek forgiveness (and vice versa)

The more critical thing to focus on is your own healing – and leave your partner to heal on their own terms. (I learned this from the hard way, and so might you. But I hope that in sharing my story you’ll know you’re not alone)

“How do you trust yourself again?”

You trust yourself by getting to know yourself again and most importantly, forgiving yourself.

It’s just like with anyone you first meet. The more you get to know someone, the more you trust them. Because you understand and trust that they would never hurt you intentionally. The reason you end up losing trust in yourself is because you don’t understand how you got yourself in a mess like that. You also have guilt and so instead of solely blaming the other party, you recognize there’s a part of you that wasn’t exactly sure of your own actions or intentions.

I lost complete trust in myself because I think I always knew deep down that I was lost in life already. Even before the marriage. But I waited until something big happened like my divorce, to finally shake me out of my coma and say LIVE YOUR LIFE. Stop staying unhappy and just go out there to search for what you’re looking for. We underestimate the effects of not living a fulfilled life. Bitterness sown into our hearts will only bloom into more bitterness. It will show in the way we treat people, the way we treat ourselves. The way we fall sick very easily. The way we get bored with just about anything. There are many symptoms that will show us we’re not happy. But unfortunately, we don’t fear being depressed as much as we fear getting cancer.

“My ex and his family/friends keep talking shit about me. How do I stop it?”

You don’t. Remember that no one will ever know the full truth, other than the people directly involved in the relationship. Anyone else is receiving third party information. Your ex’s family and friends HAVE to stand by them because they’re gonna be in each others’ lives. You’re not. They don’t need to sympathize or understand the basis of your actions.

Of course, it always sucks when we’re being painted something we’re not. And it also sucks when lies are being spread about us. So if you feel the need to say your truth, boast it loud and proud. And eventually, words don’t matter as much as your actions. People around us are not dumb as well. Actions always speak louder than words. If what you say and what you do match, people will eventually figure out who’s lying and who’s not. Not that it will matter by then. The more they hurl insults at you, call you names, spread rumours about you,(take you to court lol), the more you know you’re winning. Because they’re betraying their self worth to put another human being down. Only severely insecure and very helpless people do that. Answer to no one but yourself. As long as your conscience is clear, the truth will always prevail.

Plus, sometimes people just rub each other the wrong way. We can never please everyone and we never have to justify ourselves to people. Focus on you. Focus on your healing. Leave everyone else out of your mind because trust me, you’re not on theirs for very long.

If you still care about their opinions, ask yourself why? Maybe the truth is that they’re right and that you DID actually do some horrible things. But this feeling of guilt or shame is a signpost to tell you something. Everyone has the choice to live differently and be better people.

Choose then, from now on, to become a better person and vibrate higher so that your past mistakes no longer weigh you down. Instead, they serve as lessons and memories for you to look back upon and say “Yeah, i’ve grown and I’m proud of myself for it”

“How can my ex say they loved me but then eventually leave me? Did they never love me before?”

Here’s an unpopular opinion. You can love someone and not be able to live with them. I think we always feel that love is all it takes. But a relationship takes alot of WORK. And love is simply just not enough.

Say for example you have always enjoyed working in an industry. And the first few years turn out great and you feel happy and lucky you’re working there. But years go by, the company stays stagnant and you don’t feel yourself growing anymore. Would you consider staying just because you once loved your job so much?

I really don’t consider a successful relationship to be one that needs to last forever.

There are just so many factors that can change a person and that’s completely fine.

I always don’t believe in getting married to have a false sense of commitment. The high percentages of divorce all around the world should already show us that it doesn’t do shit. The only reason I would ever get married again is to have a legal child together or to be able to live together in a country.

Even if you really do find the love of your life and end up getting married, it still takes years of work and commitment (not just being faithful to each other) but willingly compromising so two of you can have a better life than without each other.

The last reason you’re asking yourself this is because it hurts to be abandoned. I get it. It hurts when someone who promised you an eternity just walks out on you. It’s worse when they abandon you for someone else.

But I’m happy that you’re now free because even though you’re in a lot of pain now, this pain will not last forever. This horrible ache, this tremendous sense of betrayal….It will not last. I promise you. How long will it stay with you? I don’t know. But I know that our value is not based on whether someone else wants us or not.

Similarly, if we ever start dating someone and we eventually find that we’re not as in love with them as they are with us, they will feel rejected too.

The chance of finding a person who’s for you and who will always choose you is as unpredictable as gambling. So you already know what I’m gonna say……

Make your own happiness. Be happy on your own first, and if someone else comes along, you’ll be even happier. But not dependent on them for your happiness.

“He physically abused me and I cheated. Technically we both did something wrong so how do I fight for what I want in the divorce?”

Ps: before some people get overly excited and think that this is related to me. It’s not. It’s a question I get from other people who have gone through this scenario before.

This is really up to you to figure out what you want.

The tricky thing about marriages….is that finances are often mixed up during a marriage.

And more often than not, someone was contributing more than the other financially. But let’s also not forget that a person’s life is not valued based on money. If you can’t put a price on your life, or your time, then know that it’s very hard to split anything equally in a marriage.

As much as possible, focus on the main goal. To be divorced as amicably as possible. No one wins in a divorce. Only the lawyers do. If you can afford to lose some money but get divorced quickly, why not? You can earn money back again but you can’t put a value on peace. It’s gonna take you a while to regain some peace in your life so try to focus on that instead of the money you’re losing.

But if you really feel that you suffered more than them, and you deserve to get what you want…then fight for it. And when you finally get tired of fighting, you’ll know then…how valuable peace is.

Lastly,

“How long does it take to heal?”

It took me 2 years to feel 90% healed. But I know it’s not dependent on time. Healing is a process. And the definition of a process is “a series of actions or steps taken in order to achieve a particular end.”

It took me a combination of active reflection, meditation, long walks, sessions of therapy, talking it out with friends, relying on family for support, breaking down, feeling better, breaking down again, meeting people, dating, breaking up, dating more, breaking up more, but always coming back to asking myself ‘ what kind of a person do I want to be? what kind of life do I want? and how can I heal to live a more meaningful life?’

In this process of healing, I also realized where the root of my negative attachment patterns came from. I figured out where during my childhood – my inner child felt hurt and abandoned. I sought to seek her wounds so I could heal us both. I sought to be the caregiver she didn’t have. I sought to give her the love and freedom she always yearned for.

I knew I was healing well when I started agonizing over other problems instead haha. And it dawned on me one morning that I was no longer so tightly chained by the misery of my trauma. Once in a while, I still get pangs of anger that surges through me……especially when triggers occur. I’ll sit with those emotions for a few moments….breathe in…and then breathe all of that out again.

And then I’ll remember how fucking awesome my life is now. I’m really grateful for it.

I tend to forget how lucky and privileged I am to be living this life – but then again, I saw an opportunity, reached out and grabbed it. So GRAB YOURS TOO.

Back when I was 25, I never imagined my life could be this amazing. But I really am living my dream life. And If I had to go through all I did to get here………………well. It was worth it.

In preparation for an article I was writing, I had interviewed 9 divorced women – each with their own tale to tell. While writing the article, I thought of every single one of them and would hold them in my thoughts while I grieved for them. This is a series of fictional stories, inspired by their lives and strength.

Any resemblance to real persons or other real-life entities is purely coincidental. All characters and other entities appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, dead or alive, or other real-life entities, past or present, is purely coincidental.

Part 1 here

6 months ago

It was a Thursday and Olive had just arrived home from a long day of work. She works as a teacher and it was nearing the examination period so her work days had been stretching past 12 hours from Monday to Friday.

“Dear? she calls out to an empty living room while taking her shoes off. She sees a packet of unopened instant noodles on the kitchen table and heads to the study room where she found Danny, her husband.

The study room was Danny’s man-cave. It had three monitors, loud speakers and a comfortable gaming chair where he spent most of his time from morning to night. “Dear?” Olive calls out to her husband again, this time knocking on the door. She knew he didn’t like it when she came in unannounced. Danny had his earphones in and was playing a game, chatting merrily with someone, laughing away. He had no idea that Olive was standing there.

“Thanks for sending me the photo, you look very cute. I don’t usually compliment other girls but you’re really very cute.” She heard her husband say. Her heart dropped and she took a few long strides towards him and tapped quickly on his shoulder. Very abruptly, he spun around and faced her. Shock momentarily flashed across his face and Olive registered a look on his face that didn’t sit right with her. It quickly passed as Danny put on his poker face and immediately said to her, “Oh! You’re back. Wait ah, I’m just finishing the game. You go out first, I’m coming already. Help me to turn on the stove can? I haven’t eat dinner, very hungry.”

Olive didn’t know what to say or do but she followed his bidding and went outside to boil a pot of hot water for him. Without thinking, she started preparing the instant noodles just the way her husband liked it. He always preferred to have half of his noodles soft and the other half hard. While cracking two eggs into the boiling broth, Olive felt sadness creeping into her heart but it was such a familiar feeling that she was no longer surprised at it. She welcomed it like an old friend. This wasn’t the first time she had heard her husband compliment other women. “I’m just making friends right, I need them to be friendly with me so I can learn how to game better. Aiya, you don’t know one la, you also don’t game.” He had brushed her off again and again, each time she caught him flirting online. “I haven’t even met them before in real life. You scared what? Not like I can cheat on you with them.” The way he used the word ‘can’ instead of ‘want’ or ‘will’ didn’t escape Olive. She hadn’t dared say anything during those arguments. She didn’t want to seem like a naggy old wife. Her own father had left her mother because he found her “old and naggy”.

After cooking the instant noodles and dishing it out on a bowl for her husband, she waited for a few minutes but Danny was still in his room. Refusing to care whether he was coming out or not, she went to take a shower instead. Barely 5 seconds out of the shower and not even wrapped in a towel yet, she heard Danny yell at her from the kitchen. “Eh why the noodles so soggy already? You know I don’t like my noodles to be all soft one. How to eat now like that? That was the last packet somemore leh.”

Olive faced the mirror and saw her reflection come through as the fog slowly cleared from it. She could feel how tired she looked. It suddenly occurred to her that she hadn’t looked in a mirror for a while now – not since Danny mentioned her face looking chubby. She wouldn’t have minded it if not for the girls her husband were chatting up with. They all looked at least 8 – 10 years younger than her. She knew how they looked because her friends had cyber stalked them for her.

As she held onto the towel wrapped around her body, her feet rooted to the bathroom floor, unwilling to step out, she heard the front door open and close.

“Dear?” she opened the bathroom door and called out to Danny meekly. The silence reverberated around the empty house and she knew she was alone.

She walked towards the bowl of uneaten instant noodles and sat down at the table to eat it while still wrapped in her towel, hair dripping wet from the shower. She didn’t mind the drops of water from her hair dripping into her noodles because they accompanied the tears that were silently rolling down her cheeks. She forced herself to finish the entire bowl of noodles that were perfectly cooked and not even touched. “How are these noodles soggy?” She thought to herself as she slurped down the remaining soup.

That night, Olive slept on the sofa but her husband never came home.

Sometimes I get people telling me their life stories.

This particular time, Charlie* (not his real name) confided in me about his impending divorce. His wife had cheated on him and he was struggling with his grief. He had so much rage and yet, also carried a decent amount of guilt.

We talked for abit, and then he finally asked me a question I could tell he’d been wanting to for awhile – he was just afraid of offending me.

“Why did you ask your ex-husband to date other people? Did you yourself want to cheat on him and get a free pass?”

I asked him why he asked me this question. Was he merely curious or was he looking for comfort in my answer?

He pondered for a bit and to encourage him to find his own truth, I gave him mine.

I told him this –

“I don’t think there is solely one reason why I did that. Did I want to cheat on him? I didn’t want to. But I was feeling very unloved and unappreciated, as I’m sure he felt too. And that desire to be loved and seen was so big and demanding. I kept craving to be loved by my husband and he probably felt like he was already trying very hard to as well. Our love for each other was just not right? Or maybe, not enough? But I remember thinking that no matter the outcome of that experiment, at least we wouldn’t be stuck in limbo anymore. If anything, I just wanted an outcome to occur. Whether we stayed together or split apart, I knew deep down that I could handle whatever the outcome and be happy with it. But what I couldn’t stand was the limbo – the feeling of uncertainty and not knowing. Not knowing why we got married in the first place. Not knowing how my ex husband could love me if he never bothered to really know and understand me in the first place. Not understanding why, if he didn’t love me, did he ask me to marry him? Was I just a toy to him? Was I just a trophy he could collect and dispose of when he got sick of it? In the same way, why did I say yes to marrying him if I didn’t want to be a military wife? Why did I think I loved him if I hadn’t really felt we had anything in common? How could I have said I loved him if I kept trying to change him? Did I really love him, or did I just love his attention and affection? I treated our marriage with disrespect and I made it an open one, even though I knew he wasn’t keen to. I did what I did – out of anger and a lot of hurt. And I regret it terribly for sure. Someone once told me, that when you follow a broken compass, you’re going to feel lost even if you’re on the right track. So even though we were bound to separate, I don’t think we were actively and consciously heading towards that direction. But I don’t regret the outcome. Because at least now, the both of us are free from a marriage neither of us really wanted to be in anyway. 2 years on and we’re both happier with other people.”

My companion looked at me with so much intensity I thought he was pissed off with me. Then he said,

“You know. 2 months before Laura and I got married, I met this lady. And she left such a deep impression on me that I never forgot her. We got to know each other through a work project and for the few weeks we worked together, I felt attraction towards her like I had never felt for my wife. Nothing happened of course. But I would masturbate to her. I asked her out for drinks on the pretense of talking about work. I even secretly kept a drink coaster she once used. I sound crazy I know, but she was so intriguing and I felt like I was in love. Yet, it never ever dawned on me to not get married with Laura just because of this. The marriage was something I felt obligated to do. I loved Laura. I still do. I knew I loved her. But I was just so curious about my emotions for this other lady. Of course, after I got married, I tried to forget her but I just couldn’t. I even asked my wife to dress a little more like her. Laura isn’t stupid of course. She grilled me about this. And I guess, I was always lying to myself. I don’t really know why I married Laura. I loved her but. Did I want to marry her? I really don’t know. After we got married, I kept trying to love Laura the way I promised to. But I didn’t feel sexually attracted to her anymore. I couldn’t bring myself to pretend as well. So I just kept doing other things to please her – make her breakfast, buy her gifts, offer to do things for her. But I think she could feel I didn’t love her the same way anymore. But what could I have done? I didn’t even understand what I was feeling, how was I to explain it to her?”

I told him that I understood. And that I fight with myself all the time. I’m caught between feeling guilty for all the mistakes I made in my marriage and angry that my partner just gave up on us. But I also told Charlie “You can’t keep score on who did more right and who did more wrong. There isn’t a point system to measure who was more at fault. All you can do, is attempt to understand why you did what you did, so that you can find the root cause of your actions, which clearly confuses you.”

“Yeah. I just don’t understand why I was so infatuated with her (the other lady) and I don’t understand how, overnight, my love for Laura could just fade away like that. I knew I no longer feared losing her when I imagined her in another man’s arms. I used to know that Laura was the one for me because I couldn’t imagine life without her. So, it really scared me when I COULD imagine life without her….and even wanted it? I actually felt relieved when Laura told me she had cheated on me. I felt angry of course but I could also sense that it was just my ego that was bruised. There was that part of me that felt excited at the thought that I could now consider a possibility to not be with Laura. ”

I could see the fight within him. On one hand, he felt so much guilt towards Laura and on another, I sensed that there was a part of him he didn’t quite understand and yet, wanted to explore.

I think the complexities of being in relationships is such that we were never taught what to do in them. In school, we’re literally given examinations and tests to show us where we’re headed – whether we understand what we’re learning or if we need more help to. At work, there are feedback loops within teams to show us how we’re doing.

But in relationships, whether be it within a family or a couple, how we’re doing and how we’re feeling can only be understand through open communication. And this communication has to be made openly between all parties. It can’t just be one person talking and the others being uninterested and nonchalant. It also can’t be one obnoxious person insisting on their way the whole time and expecting the others to just go along.

But what’s the basis of open communication?

I’d like to think that it’s empathy. And the knowledge that everyone deserves to be heard. Everyone’s feelings are valid.

Relationships really are very tough to navigate. But we keep trying anyway, don’t we?

Every chance we get, if we stop and reflect, if we pause and understand where our actions stem from….I think we will see them start aligning more and more with how we feel. And then we won’t be so ashamed of ourselves anymore because there will be less regrets and more conscious living.

It is when we react unconsciously that I think leads to us being controlled by our emotions, instead of the other way around.

Either way, Charlie is now on his way to discovering himself a little more. His divorce changed his life. He finally took up boxing – something he has always wanted to do. He sold his car and got a motorbike – something he never dared to do because Laura didn’t like the idea. He even started yoga – because he wanted to do something out of his comfort zone.

I don’t think anyone can tell Charlie he isn’t living a better life now 🙂 This is the beginning of the next chapter in his life and I’m glad he managed to close a big and necessary one – in order to learn certain valuable lessons.

October 2021, I wrote this in my journal. I was so so so angry. Angry with my ex. Angry with the situation. Angry with myself. Angry with all the negative things that had happened in my life.

My therapist Rella, would help me through all of my frustrations. And in almost all of the sessions, she would tell me to “vibrate higher”

I was in such a state of fury and even though I noted her advice down, I was thinking in my head the whole time. “How the fuck do I vibrate higher? When all I can think about is harming myself or ending my life?”

In times of helplessness, when the magnitude of emotions becomes so tremendous, one person can’t possibly deal with all of it. They either choose to hurt/harm others, or they do it to themselves. They abuse substances, they abuse their loved ones, their emotions manifest in small or big ways. The more they feel close to someone, the more they take it out on them – because they feel like they can (either because they take them for granted or because they feel safe enough to be vulnerable)

The more I surrendered to the process, the more the process took me through what felt like a century’s worth of lessons.

I faced alot of my past – experienced and felt the shame, the guilt, the agony, the pain, the sadness. But I also once again, relived the happy, the joy, the love and the relief.

I started having flashbacks of memories I had kept, locked inside time capsules that were frozen deep beneath the ground.

From only remembering all the lies I was fed and injustices done towards me, I was confronted with how toxic my behaviour was at certain times during my marriage.

I remember nitpicking on small things.

I remember feeling unloved and making a big deal out of unnecessary things.

I remember kicking up a fuss about stuff that probably caught him off guard.

I remember blaming him even though he did try to be better.

I set an intention – that after letting my inner child trash around and letting her fully express her emotions, I wanted to transform. I didn’t want to be stagnant and be the same as who I used to be. I vowed to become better. If not for me, the people around me.

So instead of hanging on all of the anger and hurt, instead of replaying all of the scenes that cause my heart to hurt, I now focus on my own self. To forgive. To grow. To love better.

Very often, I would still think of the past and my mistakes would haunt me. If only, if only, if only? But when I catch myself doing that, I take a deep breath in and say “let it go, you don’t need to know the what if, because it doesn’t exist anymore, just focus on what after”

And so, I’m happy to report that my depression has come and gone. And though I know depression can come back anytime, I also know that I beat it twice. From feeling depressed and suicidal, I started setting aside all the things that would rile me up and focusing on things that make me happy.

I spent alot of time with my family and friends, I started learning new things. I dedicated 3 or 4 times a week to exercising and practising handstands. I tried coding and failed. I started learning options and Marco got hooked on it with me.

Day by day, week by week, my reliance on sleeping pills or substances to sleep faded away. Slowly, my dependence on alcohol is reducing.

Now, I hardly ever get those same recurring nightmares or dreams again. I sleep blissfully and dream happily.

I wanna write this as a testimonial – that it IS possible to Vibrate higher. It just takes practice, dedication and a strong intention. The practice of focusing inwards and shutting out self – doubt and self – destruction. The practice of saying “Yes, I too deserve to be happy. I too, deserve to be forgiven.”

The practice of loving oneself IS in fact the practice of loving others too. Without attachments, without judgement.

Loving ourselves just take a whole lot more energy, especially when we feel like we don’t deserve it.

It’s been 2 years 2 months since the start of my journey, and my Goodness. I’ve come so far. But I’ve faltered so much along the way too. I’ve scaled mountains and dived into oceans. I’ve said Hellos and a ton more Goodbyes. I’ve hurt others and also hurt myself. But I’ve also learnt to let go of anger and learn how to control it more.

So please, don’t be so hard on yourselves. Day 1 can look drastically different from Day 10. Just take it day by day.

You’re a fucking rockstar.

In preparation for an article I was writing, I had interviewed 9 divorced women – each with their own tale to tell. While writing the article, I thought of every single one of them and would hold them in my thoughts while I grieved for them. This is a series of fictional stories, inspired by their lives and strength.

Any resemblance to real persons or other real-life entities is purely coincidental. All characters and other entities appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, dead or alive, or other real-life entities, past or present, is purely coincidental.

Olive sat at the table opposite Charlie, both of them fiddling with wooden chopsticks the waiter just brought to their table, waiting patiently for their ordered items.

They were eating at Sushiro – Charlie’s favourite Japanese outlet at Tiong Bahru plaza, for the 3rd time this week.

“Oliiiiii, you’re sulking again,” Charlie playfully knocks Olive’s elbow off the table, the one she had been using to prop her chin on.

To Charlie, Olive is an open book. Whether she was upset, frustrated, tired or happy, her mood of the day would be completely written on her face. And all Charlie wanted was to make Olive smile – even if it was just at a lame joke. Her smile….. Was the most beautiful thing.

“I’m sorry….im doing it again, aren’t I?” Olive said sheepishly, as she straightened her back and sat up straight to face Charlie.

“It’s just that…. Its been 3 days since he’s been home. I’ve tried messaging him, calling him. I’ve even called his two friends Ben and David. It just feels like he’s avoiding me.”

“Of course he’s avoiding you. You’ve just told him about me. No man likes to find out his wife is cheating on him” Charlie says with measured words while taking a plate of salmon belly sushi off the conveyor belt.

Sushiro is Charlie’s favourite restaurant because customers can see exactly what they’re going to eat before they select it. The restaurant puts servings of sushi and sashimi onto coloured plates, and a conveyor belt that goes around the restaurant parades the delectable items across the customer’s tables.

“I’m not. He’s the one who’s been cheating on me with her since who knows when,” Olive felt heat rising to her face. Immediately, flashbacks of when she saw photographs of her husband kissing and hugging another woman invaded her vision. The images were so clear. When she first confronted her husband, he had denied it and said the woman was just a friend and they were just fooling around.

“Can’t I just be so comfortable with a friend that I can be physically close with her without being attracted to her? Our friends dared us to kiss so we did. I just didn’t want to tell you because I knew you’d make such a big fuss about it.” He had glared at her with such intensity and made her feel like she was the unreasonable one.

After that fight, Olive’s husband stayed out for 3 nights and didn’t come home.

Her initial anger waned into desperation, and she gave into the gaslighting. “I’m sorry dear, I shouldn’t have doubted you. It’s my fault for being so insecure. Come home please? I can’t sleep without you around….” She had pleaded in a message to her husband.

Over the next 8 months, Olive’s husband would repeat this again and again, spend nights away from home and make Olive feel as if she was the one at fault.

Pulling her mind away from her memories, Olive looked up at Charlie to see a pair of eyes furtively looking at her.

Charlie was trying to ask her a question, and she knew it. “What is it?” Olive asked.

“If you say you’re not cheating on your husband……then what is this? What are we doing now?” Charlie asked, now looking away and fiddling with chopsticks.

Somehow, Olive knew this question was coming. She knew she could no longer avoid talking about them. What was….them anyway? Did she have feelings for Charlie? Or was she just lonely?

“I don’t know Charlie. I really don’t. I really enjoy your company….and I know that I like you enough to want to get to know you more. I’m just really…confused. But either ways, I don’t think this is considered cheating lah…..because you know.” Olive ends her sentence awkwardly.

“Because what? We’ve spoken on the phone every day for the last 3 months. We’ve met each other’s friends. We’ve even….been physically intimate. Because what Olive?” Charlie asks, now looking directly into her eyes.

When Olive didn’t reply for what felt like an eternity…..Charlie asked a question hoping Olive would disagree with.

“Is it because, I’m a woman?”

A couple of weeks ago, I was running around the neighborhood. On my third lap, I was eager to hit base and end my run. As I was crossing a small road, a car signaled to turn left. He slowed down enough to make me think he was gonna give way to me. I sped up so he wouldn’t have to wait too long for me.

Instead, he honked loudly at me, enough for me to get startled. In response, I pointed my middle finger at him. I didn’t like that he honked at me and I couldn’t care less about being rude.

I continued running past the car, fuming. I recognised that I was getting triggered.

Why did he have to horn?! In that scenario, no one was right or wrong – I even sped up because I wanted to be considerate! Even if he had wanted to drive, and I had misunderstood his slowing down, did he have to horn?

Angry thoughts filled my mind so fast and so harshly that I had to stop running. I continued to brisk walk instead, feeling steam come out the top of my head. I was furious. Ticked off.

A few minutes later, a red car drove by me and stopped. Out came the driver, charging at me. He stopped about two arms’ length away from me and shouted “Why did you point the middle finger at me!”

“Why did you horn?” I asked back.

“My car turning left I cannot slow down, got driver behind me. You got no brain ah!” He yelled.

At this point, I got even more annoyed because he resorted to a personal attack. But in a split second, I also recognised that he wasn’t thinking logically – he was reacting on impulse, just as I was before.

“but you still didn’t have to horn right?” I made sure to lower my voice while I said this, trying to calm the situation down. Instead, he took my retreat as a sign of weakness and increased his volume.

“I horn because you just run past like that, very dangerous! You never use your brain is it! Use your brain next time!”

Seeing as he was in no mood to calm down, I left him in his fit of anger and walked away. I walked away because there was no point talking to someone who was already so angry and I didn’t want to partake in the conversation when it was going to be so heated.

Then, he started threatening me

“Anyway nevermind, I have it all on camera!” was the last thing I heard him say while he got back into his car and drove away.

I was doubly triggered. I’ve once received threats, wildly unnecessary ones, just because the other party had the wrong impression I had done something. They never bothered to clarify if I had actually done wrong but then again – they don’t owe it to me to do that either.

While watching him drive away, I whipped out my phone and took a photograph of said driver’s car plate. If he wanted to threaten me with ammunition, I’d better arm myself with some too.

For the next 2 minutes, I was left alone. Immediately, my first intention was to calm myself down.

“Deep breaths Jane”

After just 10 deep breaths, I asked myself this question.

“Do we want to have 2 people going home angry or 2 people going home proud of themselves?”

I still wasn’t sure of my answer, and before I knew it, my feet had led me to the carpark, where the driver had driven into.

Scanning around quickly, I didn’t spot his car and so I strode up a flight of stairs and within seconds, spotted him and his wife, carrying their belongings and walking away from the car.

He spotted me and I stopped, keeping a short distance between us. I wasn’t sure what I was gonna do, yell at him more or make peace? In that moment, I said to myself – “Give it a chance. Do the right thing.”

I approached him with a step forward. He started yelling again. “You know you cannot just run across the road, got car behind me I cannot stop. I horn at you for your safety you know! Then you still point middle finger at me!”

“Hey, you’re right, I could have let you drive past first” I told him.

He looked at me – shocked, not expecting me to agree with him. As he continued repeating the same few things he’s been saying, his voice started softening.

“You’re absolutely right. It’s just been a long day for me, and Singapore is a high strung environment so you know, I got caught up in the moment. I just wanted to tell you that I’m ashamed of myself because I wouldn’t have done that to you in my best self, and for that, I’m really sorry. I hear you, that you had interests at heart, and I wanna thank you man” I said to him.

As I said these words to him, I saw him process his emotions and check himself as well. He wasn’t an unreasonable person – I saw that right away. He was just someone whose feelings got hurt, and who had a long day as well. He understood how I felt and was making an active choice to listen to what I’m saying.

This man, a minute ago, was an enemy. But now, his face completely softened and his shoulders relaxed. Instead of an angry demeanor, he was quickly calming down to a softer tone. It helped me feel alot better right away too.

After I stopped talking, he paused for a minute, and then said. “Yeah, okay. I understand la. Everyone is stressed also, next time just be careful. Not everyone would have stopped for you. You are a person you know, you can’t fight the car,” he said.

The both of us broke into smiles, and I said, “yeah, you’re right. Thanks for this and again, I’m sorry.”

He apologized as well, and said that it was okay.

Before parting ways, we bumped our fists in good spirits and both of us left the scene feeling much better than we did just minutes before.

How different would things have been…… If we continued to react angrily to our impulses?

This incident taught me one thing – that most fights stem from misunderstandings and miscommunication. Without personal grievances, two strangers have little reason to be so hateful towards each other.

I’m glad that the day ended well, with two people going home happily instead of angrily.

At the end of the day, sometimes all we want is for others to say, I hear you and its okay that we fight, as long as we commit to being open to communication.

Then again, like Mr M says, “sometimes it’s also okay to tell people to fuck off when they really deserve it” 😂😂

I suppose everyone has their own way of dealing with such scenarios, and on a given day, in a different phase of my life – I might have acted differently. But after all that has happened, I want to know that I’ve grown as a person. I want to believe that most people are reasonable and things can be solved nicely, without resorting to threats, personal insults and nasty remarks.

Some days are bad no doubt, we meet the worst of people and experience how selfish and evil they are. But that day, meeting that man, was a testament that most arguments and battles we get into, can be resolved without going to war.

Before the divorce, I had certain uncertainties about life.

After the separation, I had one main focus – to heal. Over the last 2 years, I stayed abroad with that intention and was fueled by desperation to survive.

Depression trawled me through the depths of despair and after accepting many harsh truths I had to face, acceptance came around the bend and relieved me of terrible agony.

I think back on my heavily depressed days and feel almost embarrassed that I once felt so agonized over something so silly as a heart break.

But logic tells me that I was experiencing loss. And because I grieved so deeply, I now know with a strange certainty that I must have really treasured what I had in my marriage once – enough that the loss hit me so badly. No love – no loss.

I had to handle a decent amount of guilt and regret for not being able to hang on to my marriage, not being able to show love as much as I felt. But time has picked up all of those “could have”s and “would have”s and the winds of change have blown them away.

Whether my ex loved me once, or never before – that question doesn’t plague my sleepless nights anymore. The journey full of peril I once forced myself to go on – in pursuit of the truth has ended. It didn’t end abruptly, but rather slowly, taking its time to allow emotions to draw out.

“Instead of love, give me truth” – was what I held onto for the last few months of the healing journey. I just wanted to know the truth. Beyond anything. For I was served so many lies before….that knowing the truth mattered the most. Then again, whose truth would it be? And to whom would it matter? My truth might not be his, and neither does his need be mine.

These days, it doesn’t seem to matter so much anymore. Because once the pain has served out its purpose, it fades away. What was the pain trying to tell me? Why did it hurt so bad? These are some lessons I hold close to my heart.

After the storm has passed, certain realities are coming back into focus again.

I am not the same person I was back in 2019. I don’t think the same, nor do I feel the same.

A friend reminded me of how I used to drink myself to near-death back when we used to hang out together. He knew I was probably going through some hard times but never knew how to broach the subject. After all, on the surface – I had a happy life.

Did I know I was unhappy? I remember – feeling a certain emptiness and searching everywhere around me for an answer. The trouble is that the answers were never close to me. I did manage to find some of them by traveling across the world and spending time in places completely out of my comfort zone. And now I continue searching….while the adventures continue unfolding.

Am I – right now, leading a happy life? I would say that I have no real troubles, but I still seek a source of fulfillment.

What does it mean – to be happy? Someone once said that happiness is not a destination, but a way of life. And that made so much sense to me.

What I feel I want is to be a person who can live a fulfilling life – while helping the people around me find answers to their questions.

I don’t yet know how this might happen but I dream of many things sometimes.

Sometimes I dream of opening a little B&B. Sometimes, I want to organize tours for youths. Other times, I think of opening a small private dining place, where conversations can flow and people can be brought together. When I dare dream big enough, I envision people reading my words – perhaps in a book that I want to write. I dream that they read my writing and find answers to their personal questions, or at least be triggered into thinking about things they don’t normally think of – just like I do when I read.

Dreams are made of bravery and those who dare take action. And if there’s one thing I’ve learnt about myself over the last few years – you don’t get better at something by dreaming about it. You get good at something by doing it.

I don’t yet know where I should go – or how life will turn out. But that’s the fun of it all – finding out where the river flows, just around the river bend.

I arrived at the airport of Milan, ready to depart for Singapore but was denied entry on the flight because I wasn’t vaccinated in a VTL country, so they wouldn’t let me on a VTL flight.

I didn’t intend to come home so soon but because of some administrative events, I had to schedule to come home earlier. Leaving Marco in Italy is sad, but knowing that when we reunite, it’ll be in my home country makes me excited. I’ll get to show him My Singapore.

The journey home wasn’t super smooth, it involved alot of hiccups, having to spend money for extra tests and flights, a 12 hour wait in Milan airport and another 12 hour journey back home on a flight.

As I went through the entire journey, I kept track of how I was feeling. How do I feel to be going back home again? This time, feeling so different? This time, feeling like a different person?

I’m no longer the Jane I used to be, but I’m also acutely aware that I’m in a transformation process – like a caterpillar spinning in a cocoon. I can feel the process happening and I’m aware of this change.

I’m excited honestly. I think in healing inner child wounds, I’m really allowing myself to dream and create like never before, to break down past thought processes, to break through and vibrate to higher frequencies.

To let go of judgment and fear of being judged.

Because this is real life, and humans are one big boggling mess.

None of us are ever acutely aware and in control of our lives and how we behave in them.

We make mistakes, we cry, we hurt, we suffer, we lose, we forgive, we mess up, and the cycle repeats.

We lose friends, we gain friends, we break up with family, we reunite.

Everything is always in balance though – the entire universe is.

What we take one day, we will have to give back on another.

How we behave one day, will always reflect in turn, onto us.

The words we speak to people, will one day be spoken to us.

And the way we hurt people, will always come back to haunt us.

This entire covid situation has been a great chance for lessons. It has forced us to quieten down, to reflect, to rethink and to act differently.

Is there a need for over-consumption? Do governments know what they’re doing? Do societies know? How are laws formed? Do children have future-ready jobs? What does the future look like – can anyone know?

In every great revolution in time, there exists two types of people – one kind who learn from their past and move on to be better, the other who hang onto their egos and insist on their old ways.

Which type of people will we choose to be?

It took some time to realise this, but I was in a constant state of anxiety for more than a year.

I remember not being able to sleep, getting startled by noises easily, being more sensitive towards temperature changes, and in general, not being able to focus on conversations or tasks as well.

I didn’t know it then, but I was on a persistant fight/flight mode. I was in shock. My reality had shattered into pieces and my mind was trying to protect me.

Shock from certain traumatic incidents that happened. Incidents that triggered a lot of feelings from events that happened years and years ago.

It was only after working with my therapist that I found out I was dealing with anxiety, depression and that my triggers are linked with emotional neglect (when I was a child), betrayal, and a fear of abandonment.

Anxiety puts us in fight/flight modes whenever we get triggered. Triggers can come really randomly – opening Spotify and seeing a playlist your ex used to make for you, a brand of cereal you used to buy together, or the name of a person.

I’ve learnt through therapy, that when we experience anxiety, the first thing our minds try to do is put us in a survival state – some people freeze up while others will go on fight mode and start attacking others.

Our minds, in order to protect ourselves, will try to control the situation and think of different scenarios that might happen – and how we can defend ourselves in them.

But what anxiety doesn’t do, is show us reality.

The easiest way to beat anxiety, is to use various methods to come back to the present, and realize that we’re in a safe place.

While reading the book ‘ The wisdom of a broken heart” by Susan Piver, I learned one method to help bring myself back to center: Take deep breaths, scan your surroundings and name 5 things that would include your different senses. For eg: There is a palm tree outside my window and it’s slightly swaying in the wind; Someone is having a barbeque outside and the smell of food is great etc. After this, take deep breaths again and note 3 things in your surroundings you’ve never noticed before. Take your time to slowly scan your surroundings. It can be for eg: The fridge has a magnet that’s chipped, someone has left a pair of socks on the floor etc. This exercise would immediately bring you back to reality and help you see that the big scary thoughts that are happening in our minds are just created by us – they’re not actually happening. It could be a horror story unfolding in our minds, and our bodies might be reacting in response to our thoughts (heightened senses, inability to focus or perform tasks, chest pains etc) but in reality – nothing is actually happening: we’re safe.

The reason why we immediately think of worst case scenarios is because we’re basing on past experiences and we fear that it would happen again.

While working with Rella, she taught me a few ways to help me beat anxiety. One would be to breathe in through my left nostril, and the other, to rub my palms together creating heat and place them over my eyes.

Amongst the many things I learned from Rella – one of them stood out. That my mind has been so used to feeling anxious that even if I’m ready to let go of it, it might not want to let go of me. Our minds want to stay loyal to feeling anxious, because it’s a place of comfort and familiarity.

That’s why, we could be feeling perfectly fine and happy sometimes, and then immediately enter a state of anxiety whenever we meet with triggers.

Rella said, “Ask yourself, are you ready to let go of anxiety? Are you ready to embrace the change that comes after”

I liken it to trying cliff jumping for the first time. Your feet is inching towards the edge, step by step, and you can feel the back of your hairs rise, a trickle of cold sweat down your neck. The longer you stay at the top, looking 10 feet down into the water, the harder it will be to jump. Yet, you just have to embrace the unknown of what will happen after you jump into the water. Even if you’ve already seen 20 people jump before, and you know you’ll be fine, trust can only come after you’ve jumped yourself.

So the point is – trust the process. Sometimes it just takes that second of being illogical, of being reckless and fearless, to help you overcome a challenge.

“Describe your anxiety in a way you would like to, so that you wouldn’t be afraid of it, but want to befriend it” Rella tells me

“Are you ready to go on an adventure, anxiety?”

“Are you ready to explore this city, anxiety?

“Are you ready to learn more with me, anxiety?”

Maybe the point is not to eliminate anxiety completely, because I do believe it’s a great signpost that teaches us things about ourselves. But maybe the point is to befriend it, to not be scared of it, and to be able to stay calm when it becomes overwhelming.

Maybe the point is not to beat anxiety, but to conquer the debilitating effects of anxiety when it hits us.

Either way, I’m learning alot through therapy and books now, and I feel that it carries through in my conversations with family and friends. It also helps me to find my voice and strength and not be afraid to stand up for myself when the need arises.

Life is worthwhile 🙂 And it’s great to finally be enjoying the life I’ve been living, and not just be alternating between extreme highs and lows. Self-awareness truly elevates us to a different frequency, one that can help us love life better, and in turn, love others well.