synonymsforjane

As I boarded the car ferry for Koh Pha Ngan for the final destination of our year, I started realising how different even this Jane is now, versus when I first visited Pha Ngan.

It’s no coincidence. I’m back on this island because this is where I had one of my biggest awakening moments.

With every awakening, it’s not that you literally “wake up” from being asleep. It’s you getting to know yourself more and, by consequence, getting to know the world more.

We are ALL, less our consciousness, made up of organic matter that came from this earth. We are all capable of understanding each other.

To think, we used purely materials we found on this earth to create so many tools so that humans can fly in the sky, travel across the ocean, and use devices to communicate, express ourselves, work together, and even find love.

We are definitely capable of doing more if we don’t manage to self-destruct and cause our own species to go extinct.

A couple of big lessons to end the year

1. We don’t have to chase anything. Not people, not things. We work on our own lifeforce, we work on expanding our own energy, and things and people that are on our same frequencies will naturally come by because “birds of the same feather flock together.” What will be, will be.

2. We are human beings.
And humans make a shit ton of mistakes. We were made to fuck up. And we are SO vulnerable as an animal species. Leave a human alone in the wild without fire, any tool, and you will why our greatest advantage as humans is our ability to communicate deeply and through that, cooperate and work together.

3. Nothing is permanent. Everything is temporary.

4. Everyone’s emotions are valid. No one’s pain is more important than another person’s. If you try and prove this, it will take a difficult time for you

5. You are what you do. Not who you say you are. People don’t trust your words. They trust actions.

Note to self: the only way to not fuck up is by not doing anything worthy in life. If you’re going to do stuff, be prepared to make mistakes.

But you KNOW yourself now, Jane. And you know what you’re made of.

So go do it. Whatever it is that you want to. And learn the lessons that will come after. 2023 is gonna be exactly like 2022 was – transformative, full of ups and downs, and fucking amazing.

Are you ready?

Play the game honey.

This is the world ruled by whoever has the largest influence on people.

“but…but I don’t want to tell the world my story. Its not complete yet.”

You either tell your story yourself or have your story told for you. Besides, I don’t owe you a coherent mind. There is no such thing as logic in a tormented brain.

Your pain is your power to transform. Don’t waste it.

And don’t spend precious time listening to people telling you not to be emotional.

Your power is what they fear. Power to feel what they cannot feel. Power to override fear and achieve what they cannot even think to ever achieve.

Fuck the world Jane. Stop being a pussy. And stop giving your enemies so much thought. Are you going to change anything if you keep getting stuck in the loop?

“It’s not me, I can’t,”

You can’t control it I understand. You’re a basic animal. Your mind has impulses that control your body

Jane you are not just an animal, you have a life as human this time so live like the best one out there. Control your thoughts. Pave your own destiny. Whatever soul path you think you’re on, you can guide it to however way you want it to be. You are the painter now, no longer just a character in the story. You’re writing your own damn story now.

Can’t you see?

Haven’t felt the need to purge so much in such a long time. Oooofff.

I hope by now people realize Marianne doesn’t really exist. She’s a construct created by my mind. And I just use her as a character to villainize. I don’t know who my ex-husband’s new wife is. I have no idea who she is. And just based on her actions, I don’t think there’s much to figure out.

Marianne is my perfect enemy. Because every movie needs a perfect villain. And I want to create stories that have depth. I like writing stories. Mostly because I’m always in them. They’re always in my head.

I probably am crazy or bipolar, or both. Who knows. What is real or normal anyway? We are all living on a game. This world is only as real as multiple verses are. We are living in a blip of history. We are less than a speck of dust. Nothing we do really matters.

So fuck it. Do whatever the fuck you want lol.

It’s funny how people think you can know someone just by reading a bunch of words they have decided to post on a website.

Or on social media.

Everyone knows that a lot of social media is a lie. And whatever we choose to put on the Internet is carefully curated.

No one will ever know who I truly am. Except for me. But you can try and guess by looking at my actions, instead of reading my thoughts.

What makes a person is not who they are, but what they do.

People can lie to themselves about who they truly are all the time. They can concoct up all sorts of stories and say they are this or that, but their actions will need to prove their words. If you say you are a good person, do good.

By the way, I never said I was a good person. I have never wanted to be a good person. I just want to be me.

I want to weed out all of the toxicity and pain life put inside of me. So that I’ll never. Become. A. Marianne.

Gideon and I are sitting on a bench in Pasir ris Park.

I don’t remember why we are here. But we aren’t angry with each other. We’re talking nice. And he is telling me all about their family. He also tells me they still have some debt left. And immediately, I try to wire him some money.

The real action starts when, for some reason, Gideon and I make our way to a bat cave. Marianne is there. And so is my family.

I find marianne seated on a bench somewhere, and she is startled to see me and Gideon together. Gideon walks away to find my parents. And I approach marianne confidently.

“Gideon is the only other person that has felt like family, other than my own brother. He has amends to make with my family. But you and I are only enemies because he once lied and pit us against each other. Marianne, I don’t understand your insecurity towards me. But you have nothing to fear. The more bitterness I have against you, the more I can turn it into love. And I will always choose to love you instead of hate you. Even though you make that task incredibly hard sometimes.

Marianne doesn’t say anything but stands up and gives me a hug. She looks calm and happy. Her hands are warm but not clammy.

We walk over to where my family and Gideon are. My dad is giving him a hug, and my brother is shaking his hand. My mother is taking a photograph of the moment (lol)

Gideon was family to us. And he broke our hearts. But as family are, we always just wanted to have that chance to say goodbye. In the dream, Gideon gave them that chance. He said thank you, and sorry and goodbye.

And then we watch the river rising in the cave. And weirdly, there are cats coming into the cave to eat the bats. It’s a bloodshed. As the river water rises, suddenly alligators surface and some of the cats get eaten by them.

Then the bats start to drip blood, and we all get rained on by blood. We go outside into the world, and the sky is a deep dark blue with green swirls in it. The sun is no more, we have been living in darkness for a while. Everyone has that awareness that the world will not be the same again. The temperature is now 38 degrees at all times, and we have to wear cooling suits to regulate our body temperature. Nobody drives anymore. We all walk, or some of us ride horses. Nobody even works anymore.

This is how the world is ending. It is a dystopian world. And we are all dying. None of us can survive without technology helping us. And technology is slowly weeding out the weak.

Our material worries have left us all because everyone is only worried about one thing – the rising sea levels that is threatening to consume us all. Already, many countries have been completely submerged. Our food sources are all cultivated in the labs, and some lucky mountain people have built walls to prevent us from ever entering their cities.

We are the outcasts.

We are the future zombies.

We are not going to survive this.

But at least, there is no war, and everyone is busy trying to make peace before our souls move on after this morbid existence.

Beth the therapist is sitting across the room from Jane.

Jane is in an asylum. She was placed there for her own good – or so her family thought.

Usually, Jane shakes side to side, unable to concentrate on Beth’s words. But ever since they started her on CBD treatment, her nerves have calmed, and she has stopped ripping her fingernails out or trying to tear her ears off.

“Are you ready to talk about her?” Beth asks.

“Do you mean, am I ready to re-enter the maze and try to get out of it myself?”

“Tell me what the image of Marianne brings up for you, Jane”

Very calmly, eerily calmly, Jane whispers “Pain”

“Where does it feel painful?” Beth asks. “Point to the body part where it hurts the most”

Slowly but surely, without lifting her steely gaze at Beth, Jane lifts her hand and places her palm on her chest. “Here, in my chest…..and also….” Beth’s gaze follows Jane’s fingers that grip around her own throat. “Here”

“Why do you think she caused you pain?” Beth asks

” Because I thought she actually cared about me. But she didn’t. She only wanted to make sure she had won. She only came to check on me to give herself the assurance that she had put me in a weaker position. ” Jane says.

“Why do you think that?” Beth is carefully asking this question.

“Because I told her the truth about Gideon. I told her how much he had been lying to us about each other. She had trusted me for a second, and then immediately went back to Gideon’s side, believing in his lies again. I knew Gideon would pin it on me again, as he has done so many times before. But I thought she would realize that I was a victim to his narcissism, and that she would realize we are both the same. Instead, she gave me a fake hug and took a knife and stabbed me in the back”

” This maze that you’re entrapped in, where you constantly think of Marianne as the villain in the story. You know you can never get closure on this right? Even marianne herself had rightly pointed out – that we cannot get closure from our perpetrators. Tell me then, Jane. What do you want from staying in the maze of torture?” Beth asks.

” I don’t want to stay in the maze. I just keep getting sucked back into it. Every time I think I have escaped the maze, a trigger happens, and I plunge back into it all over again. The maze gets bigger and bigger, and I can never remember the way out.” Jane is starting to cry as she realizes how trapped she has been feeling.

” You’re doing well, Jane. That’s all you needed to do for today. Just acknowledging that it’s been difficult to be constantly dragged back into the loop. Just that acknowledgment will help you find some appreciation for yourself. And help you continue finding pearls to add into your collection of wisdom. Remember the 3 realities of life? What are they? ” Beth asks.

” Pain. Uncertainty. And Work. We will always have to work through our shadow.” Jane recites to Beth, like a kindergarten child would.

” you got it, Jane. You got it ”

On the coast on Sardinia, a little boy screamed for his mama as he saw a human hand reaching out of the sand. He had thought it was a jellyfish and sought to dig it out for mama to see.

When the police came, however, the hand was nowhere to be found.

They put a request out for witnesseses and a woman responded.

“I saw this lady walking by the beach, with a thin jacket around her. She was wearing black nike shoes and had a red scarf around her neck. She looked cold, and had a blank look on her face.

My sister and I were having our weekly picnic when she walked past us. She had said “excuse me,” in a quiet whisper, almost inaudibly.

I took notice of her because she was asian. And it was odd to see asian tourists in Sardinia during winter. She walked over to that side of the beach, over where the rocks are, and she sat down for a long while.

Before we left, I had glanced over in her direction and she was lying down sideways, her head on her right arm, her face staring right into the ocean.

She seemed sad. And I wondered what had happened. But I didn’t want to disturb.”

No one had seen how Jane died.

But that was the day her anguish consumed her and she took her own life. Before she died, the tragic last words on her mind were of Marianne’s –

” We don’t owe you anything. Idk how to make it clearer to you…. stop trying to analyse us because it’s really pathetic and stop trying to analyse why his behaviour “changed”. He did it only to have a smooth divorce. Now that the divorce is done so is he! Guess what? If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it is a fucking duck. End of story. 

Get that into your thick skull honey. Empty vessels make the most noise. Not everything is about you my dear child. Take a real good look in the mirror and stop acting like someone you’re not. At least we don’t pretend to be something we’re not. 

Yes i am being a bitch – i do not deny that but our past 9 months of silence while you defame him has already been a kindness to you, the poor ex who is healing from a marriage she didn’t want in the first place. Go figure. Our first move after this email will be to file a police report- not that you would get into any trouble so don’t worry yet, but so that we have an official record of what’s been happening. Also hold your dramatic horses because this isn’t a threat- we’re genuinely emotionally tired of constantly hearing from you and we aren’t public like you because honestly no one gives a real shit so this is our only recourse.

Our advice to you is to actually move on with some grace, composure and whatever dignity you have left. Handle your guilt for your failure in a better more constructive way and do something real with your life. This chapter is over so close it. Thanks and have a good life! ”

His hands were shaking after he put down the phone.

Marianne was feeding the cats and Gideon walked over to the sofa with a dazed look in his eyes.

“Baby, what do you want for dinner tonight?” Marianne asks.

Gideon doesn’t say anything, but slowly looks up at her.

“What’s wrong, baby?” Marianne asks. She doesn’t recognize this look on his face. Is it shock? Or fear? She couldn’t tell.

“Chaos just called….Jane. She….she committed suicide.”

Silence in the air.

And then peanut tries to leap onto a stool but falls and makes a big noise.

The two of them look at Peanut and he thinks it’s because he’s in trouble again.

Then they look at each other, and Marianne swallows a big gulp of saliva down her throat.

Finally, after what seems like a long ticking minute of loud silent ringing in the hair……

“This is my fault. We killed her.” Marianne says, as clutches Gideon’s hand onto her lap.

Almost instantly, Gideon pulls his hand away from her abruptly, stands up in their living room.

The living room always seemed spacious enough, for them and all of their cats. Now, the air seemed too stale, and something was choking up inside of his throat. He couldn’t stand the bile rising up, his head suddenly felt too giddy.

“I’m going for a walk,” Gideon tells his wife who is 3 months pregnant.

He puts his arms into the sleeves of his jacket, and for a brief moment a memory flashes across his mind.

Jane wearing the same exact jacket, her walking slowly in the boots she brought when she first came to visit him in the US.

That was the trip he had proposed to her. That was the trip he had promised her the world.

And now, Jane is dead.

There is a quiet stillness when you can feel your own power, quietly stirring within you.

This year, anger transformed me. The more I allowed anger to seep into my bones, the more I was able to shed layer after layer of the old conditioning.

And with that power comes an intuitive knowledge that anger needs to be quelled. The hardest thing to do is not allow anger to manifest into horrible actions. It is much harder to deal with your own anger and still find peace than to lash out onto people who don’t deserve it.

Anger aside, I also experienced a whole new sense of self and knowledge. It was as if, almost overnight, I had downloaded another lifetime’s worth of wisdom and lessons. These memories don’t live in my consciousness, but have built me a self-esteem so strong that I seem to have been reborn.

I don’t understand a lot of things yet. But I also know I awakened many times this year. And with every awakening, I have more and more clarity. Clarity about my own purpose and an ability to see through people. To really suss out their heart and feel…..if they have good or bad intentions.

It’s an ability that has to be honed, and so I will become more reclusive next year. Next year will be a time to recuperate even more from the emotional abuse I suffered from you know who. I recently heard they’re having a child. God bless this child. May God grant this child a peaceful childhood and a strong heart and that they may bring happiness to their parents.

Love is always the answer. Never hate. But sometimes people choose to grow hatred in their hearts because the hurt they suffered before was too hard to bear.

Usually, this is because they had parents who didn’t know how to love them the way they needed to be loved.

People often ask me why I talk more about marianne than Gideon. I don’t know why. Gideon is easy to figure out because I knew him. And he is a simple creature. Marianne isn’t. She is something else. I suppose I’m kinda curious as to why she is like this. And also, why she wanted to hurt me so much. But I’m probably getting ahead of myself because my sources say she is as mean to others as she is to me. I wonder what had happened to her once and whether love can cure her virus.

I don’t think Marianne quite understood what it meant to prod and poke me. She probably wishes she never got involved in my failing marriage. She sobs about not having privacy and being exposed of her deeds. I don’t understand that mindset. It’s like when you kill someone in private, get caught on camera by the neighbour and blame him for exposing your crime. Only she didn’t kill me and also couldn’t succeed at threatening me into silence.

How do you keep running from yourself like that? More comfortable living in the shadows and hiding from the world? Either way, I dont owe her any privacy because she never cared about mine. I don’t owe her anything, because she never gave me anything. In fact, what I really owe her is a glimpse of my fury. She would marvel at the Palace that’s been built in her honour within me. I have so much anger that was stirred up because of her that her face is now placed on a throne in the Palace of fury in my heart.

If marianne is worried and wants to install another security footage or move home just because she thinks I will hurt her. She need not worry. I am not her. I don’t think like her. And I’ll never act like her. What she fears is a reflection of her own thoughts and is evident of how she has been treating others. Summoning up lawyers, bringing people to court to threaten them, and then, like a coward, backing out last minute because she didn’t intend to follow through on her empty threats. So much weakness. And so many attempts to use private words to scare me.

I will never be like her.

Because unlike her, l know how to control myself and not behave like a trigger fish when in mating season.

Unlike her, I will never allow hatred to supercede love within me.

What Marianne doesn’t know is how hard I try to love her, even though she doesn’t deserve it.

And that is the greatest gift I will ever give her.

“Jane you’re so stubborn and it’s so hard to talk you out of things” – was a constant complaint I would hear from people.

“Jane, you’re so critical of yourself, you have to let things go”

“Jane, why are you so easily bothered by things that don’t concern you? Why do you care?”

“Jane, I just want to talk casually with you, why must every conversaton be turned into a discussion over serious topics?”

For 30 years of my life, I heard these things about me but couldn’t explain why I felt these impulses were written into my DNA.

Of course, there were good things even I would acknowledge about myself as well. Like my tenacity. My drive. The way I always want to be a better version of myself. The way I have now learned, after so many years, to just say “I agree, you were right” (took me a lot to learn this but it was so worth it)

People give so much credit to “Princesses” and “Angels” but they don’t realize that everyone has good and bad within them, and it’s impossible to be perfect.

I strived so hard to be “perfect” all of my life, and my divorce taught me I didn’t need to be. I’m NOT perfect and that’s NORMAL.

Learning about the Human design system has helped me so much. It’s shown me insight into why I am the way I am, and how I can express my inner thoughts better. I’ve got so much to share. Human design also explained to me why my life seemed so “complicated” even though it was never in my path to lead that life. I was in fact, manifesting into a false self ever since I took the easy way out by trying to fit into society.

Just wanted to document the beginnings of yet another learning journey. ✨️