synonymsforjane

Nowadays, when my triggers are alerted and my trauma-beaten mind is fired up, I remember all the things my ex did to me and all of my pain soars up to the back of my throat again.

I open up my drafts and write and write and write, viciously pinning down detail after detail of what he did to me, letting myself feel all of the rage.

Then when I’m done, I read through it calmly, and I shove it into the drafts folder.

Our mind, when traumatized, brings us back to the crime scene to investigate every single little detail, so we can ultimately solve the big question – who is at fault? who is to blame for this crime?

What healing does, is peel away layers and layers of expectations and hurt until we start finding peace with the way things went. To say, ah well, the starting point was all wrong, the direction was set in the wrong way, and so of course, things had to go south. To realize, every small action leads to a consequence, either big or small, and neither one of us are the ultimate culprits because we are both 100% at fault. When 2 people get together, it’s 200% of our energy/actions/thoughts that we’re responsible of, and when things fall apart, we’re equally responsible for the way things happened.

When my ex and I got married, I wasn’t the person I am now.

I used to be very reactive to things out of my control. Because of childhood trauma, when placed in a situation that happened outside of my parameters, I would quickly get into a fight/flight mode and start solving problems that may or may not have been mine to solve.

The burden of needing to fix everything was inbuilt in me since young and it definitely tore at our marriage. I know there were other better ways I could have handled our arguments. I think deep down, beneath his words and actions, he too feels like he could have handled our separation better.

---

These days, I don’t feel the rage so strongly like I did before. These days, I find myself in boredom, kind of numb actually.

It feels like I went on a candy tasting spree, tried every flavour from bitter, sour, sweet, vicious, vile, anger, embarrassment, sadness, depression, joy, gratitude, and now my tongue is all numbed out.

I’ve experienced enough to know that they’re all on the same spectrum of feeling something. And now I’m indifferent to literally so many feelings/thoughts. What’s the point any way? There’s nothing to do about anything. Nothing would change the past, even the deep past.

All we can do it look around the bend, flip the page over, and start a new page. Collect new highs and lows. Experience adrenaline. Do stuff. Make stuff. Cry more, feel more….just live.

Not as a new person, but as a me who has spent the last few years dedicated to peeling away layers that weren’t me.

I find myself wanting to empathise more. Not to trauma bond, or to overly depend on people for comfort or positive energy any more, but just really empathise (i remember a younger me always saying i don’t understand how they feel, i can sympathise but not emphatize). In a funny way, going through trauma dropped me to such depths of despair I now recognize pain and so can emphatise.

I find myself practising how to let go of control. Not to wanna control the outcomes of a bad situation, but to hold space for people around me, including myself and realize that people’s actions and thoughts are wholly theirs. We are only responsible for our own.

I find myself excited and curious to learn new things.

I feel like someone who’s been given a new set of eyes, a fresh pair of legs, and a brand new attitude in life. I feel like the caterpillar has emerged out of the coccoon, and now that the growing pains have lessened to a minimum, we can now fly.

Fly through new lands and over seas, fly beneath clouds and over mountains. I’m excited to know what my inner child wants to do, the person she wanted to be. And I’m gonna take her all over the world now that she’s set free.

Free…..to be me.

I started this year being really traumatised.

I was haunted by the memories I had with my ex-husband, confronted with the truth that he never loved me, and only married me because of his narcissistic tendencies. It explained all of his behaviour towards me before, during, and after our marriage.

I don’t know how I got through the entire relationship. And I don’t know how his ex girlfriends retained their sanity after dating him. It’s funny because the person he ended up with shows exactly the kind of person he is.

After Marianne brought me to court, in a feeble attempt to victimise herself, I thought about the lesson I needed to learn from the entire affair.

The easiest thing to do would be to do what Marianne did. Compile over 300 pages worth of “evidence” to try and prove to court she did nothing wrong and that the whole world conspired to do ill to her. I don’t remember the name of the judges who helped us in our court mediation, but I will forever be grateful for how they dealt with Marianne for me. It was painfully obvious that both of them were appalled with marianne’s audacity to paint herself as the victim. And I don’t understand how she smiled through the shame and embarrassment. Her manupulative actions were truly terrifying to witness. No wonder Gideon is so controlled by her. She’s a mistress of manipulation. And I will never be manipulated by her again.

For someone with such deep insecurities and a weak sense of self, the easy thing would be to blame other people for shit she did to herself. Never mind that Gideon wasn’t even the first married man she dated. Never mind that she betrayed her friend in court by naming her and her entire family, Marianne is a great example of who I never want to become. And I’ve gone to great lengths to try and weed out all of the toxicity she tried to spread to me.

I have to admit, the anger she gave me helped give birth to Jane 2.0. The anger she helped me feeeeeeel……and own has ignited a deep source of strength that is ancient and powerful. In truth, the encounter I had with Marianne was necessary in order for me to awaken to my destiny. I had been begging for this awakening my entire life. I had felt so lost. And I wanted so much to know myself.

I do now.

I had never met anyone like her before. Anyone so weak and easily affected by her inability to detach her worth from how others treat her. I dont know her life, but it sounds like she was mistreated and unloved, and her reaction was to manifest hatred instead of love within herself. When you choose hate, you choose weakness. Her weakness is like a virus, and it’s infecting many people in this virus-ridden world. Sometimes, I think that humanity IS the virus upon our earth, and all the calamities that happen are the consequences of our selfishness and greed.

If 2022 taught me anything, it is that mankind is incredibly suffocating as a species and even after hundreds of thousands of years, Homo sapiens have not learned to live in harmony with the rest of earth, not even with each other. Even after so trials and tribulations, our species has remained so unconscious and so dumb witted. We didn’t learn from our mistakes, and we are moving backwards instead of forwards. The polarising effects are scary. But if you don’t fear death, you don’t fear living. If you fear death, you also fear living

We hang on to material things of this world and forget that the beginning and end of this existence will affect where our souls go to after this life.

We put money on a pedestal and use God and religion to justify greed and war. And we treat women like objects and prisoners.

I don’t have hope for the dystopian future.

I have a clearer understanding now, that the soul is ever lasting, and this existence on earth is only temporary.

We were meant to learn some lessons on this earth. And the life here was meant to help us experience life as a human being. The point is to experience as much as possible. Both the positive and negative. Because they fall on the same spectrum. So does love and hate.

We weren’t meant to remember where our souls came from or know where we are going after, because we’re meant to live in this present reality.

In 2023, I am living life as Jane 2.0. Here on out, I have my guides and ancestors standing strong by me.

Gone are the days where I give more than a morsel of a shit to people and things that don’t matter in my path moving forward.

I aim to help other souls on their earthly paths. I aim to hold space for people who deserve my love. I aim to do my part as humanity tries to evolve as much as possible so that at least some of us manage to beat the coming final death.

I am not just Jane. I am of Jinger, Jana, and Jeremiah. I am a unity of trinity.

And I don’t stand alone. We are of many. And we are strong. I aim to find my people even more. And together, we will fit together like puzzle pieces, merging greater into a bright beam of light so that some of humanity can be saved. Saved from our own foolish devices. So that hopefully, we can avoid becoming like Maldek – the impoded planet.

storytelling

kitesurfing

hiking long trails

camping

writing stories

uplifting women/children

fresh produce/good food

the power of influence and inspiration

the value of good businesses

freedriving

breaking upper-limits

art

these are the things i wanna spend my waking moments doing

Life to me, is a big theater play.

Social media is easy proof that what is “normal” and “common” is a myth. There are people painting realities of themselves, and then there are people who must give these realities their acknowledgement.

In daily life, people brand each other in words they’re familiar with – banker, mother, cleaner, digital nomad, lawyer, cheat, liar, murderer, boss, the list goes on. And we all play these roles we think we’re given.

But what is real?

Then again, does it matter? Do we need to know?

It sometimes does feel like we’re all playing separate games within the same ecosystem, depending on similiar things to survive but different ones to exist.

I know one thing for now – if I were ever given the red or blue pill, I would pick neither and seek to just exist. Because there is…..in my present reality, no need for big decisions. Just observe. Just watch. Just listen. Just feel. Just……exist.

Enjoy the show. Enjoy the cast. Enjoy the theatrics.

‘Mar’ was brought up by a strict father. None of them were ever good enough in his eyes – simply because they were daughters and not sons.

She was the middle child, sandwiched between Marissa and Melanie. Marissa, the eldest of the 3, was 3 years older than Marian. From a young age, she learned to play to her father’s tune and did everything he wanted. She studied law, became the top lawyer in a firm, and before 35 was made partner. Somehow, she also managed to marry a successful businessman, and together, they have two sons.

Melanie is 2 years younger than Marian and chose instead to plunge herself into medicine school. At 33, Melanie is one of the brightest upcoming neurosurgeons in Singapore. Her career achievements has helped distract her father from the odd fact that she has never had a boyfriend – or that she’s not interested in men for the matter.

Marian was always the one who didn’t know what she wanted in life. She did well enough to get into business school and after that hopped around different companies until she joined her current firm where she’s been for the last 6 years. She may have made it into the direction position but she hates her job and stays in it because it’s the only thing her father would ever praise her for.

As a child, she watching movies and wanted to become a film producer. But her father told her that film school was a waste of time. “I didn’t work this hard for you to spend 10 years trying to make something of yourself only to realize Singapore doesn’t do kindly to film producers,” he had said.

So instead of pursuing what she was curious about, even before she could find out if she would be any good at it, Marian buried all of her creativity and ability to be excited to pursue what would make her father happy.

What about her mother?

Mrs Wong married Mr Wong when she was 24, and left her parents’ home straight into her husband’s home. She never made it to university because her parents only wanted to pay for her brother’s education. Instead, they made sure she could sew, clean, cook, and serve her husband well. So Mrs Wong’s duty was always to her husband. After giving birth to 3 daughters and 0 sons however, Mr Wong barely ever looked in Mrs Wong’s direction and she felt for many years she was just tolerated, not loved. What could she do though? Her entire survival depended on her husband’s favour and so she learned to suppress her needs and desires, including turning a blind eye to the extra-marital affairs her husband has never tried to hide over the years.

“My joy in life is the 3 of you,” Marian’s mother would always tell her. And luckily for Marian, her mother’s love has always been more than enough to make up for her father’s coldness towards all of them.

She never knew a man’s love….until she met Him.

10 years ago, while Marian was on holiday with her best friend, they met a boy.

His name was Joshua.

And Joshua was the love of Marian’s life.

Fictional story – Inspired by true ones

Marian is pregnant. She holds the ultrasound in her fingers and paces around the room. “What would he think?”

Adam comes into the room and she quickly sits down on the couch, pretending to flip through Netflix shows. He puts his pilot cap down onto the table, walks over to the mini bar and takes out a can of beer. Then he casually sits down beside Marian, puts his arm around her and sighs tiredly. “Long day – the flight was delayed and so the passengers had to sit in the plane for 40 mins. So many complaints. Sometimes I feel more like a bus driver than a pilot,” Adam confides in her. Marian nods her head up and down in an effort to hide her nervousness. But it doesn’t escape him.

“What’s wrong, baby?” Adam asks while sweeping her baby hairs out of her face, a sweet gesture she had always liked him to do. Now however, it was just making her even more uncomfortable.

She pauses for a minute and internally panics, somehow she has a deep pit of discomfort that’s rising up like bile from her gut to her throat. Still – she has to tell him. She has to tell him so he would finally decide.

“I’m pregnant,” she says out loud and her mind takes a moment to register the words that have escaped her.

“Fuck,” she thinks to herself but reels herself to watch his expression.

“You…you’re what?” He says, in a pitch higher than normal.

“I’m….um. Pregnant?” She hates that she has to repeat herself.

Immediately, Adam stands up and starts taking long strides around the room, one hand on his left hip and the other one massaging his temples. It sure doesn’t look like he’s happy about it.

Marian feels her throat clamping up and swallows once to try and push the dryness out of her throat. Her palms are sweating and she can feel her heartbeat rising. All at once, memories of her father telling her she’s not good enough invade her thoughts. “Not. Now.” She pushes them out of her mind.

“Will you say something?” Marian asks.

“Uh. I’m sorry to ask but before I say anything, I just need to ask – is it…is it mine? Are you sure?” Adam says, with a hopeful look on his face.

“What do you mean? Of course it’s yours. I haven’t been with anyone else since we met.” Marian can’t believe what she’s hearing. How could he even ask her that?

“I’m sorry, I just – I mean – we never said we were exclusive. I mean we never had that conversation. I just thought – but no okay,” Adam flails around with these words.

Adam and Marian met at a sex party. Marian was seeing another guy before, and Adam has a wife – a wife he still hasn’t left even though since 6 months ago, he said he would.

They have never been public about their affair. Adam always said that as a pilot, he couldn’t risk being caught in any scandal. It didn’t matter that Marian herself was a director of a fund management company – their privacy was of utmost importance to Adam because of his career.

“So? What do you think?” Marian asks Adam and she registers somewhere in her mind that this is the third time she’s asking.

“I can’t. I mean. A baby? I just can’t, my wife would be completely devastated.” Adam finally spews out.

“Your wife? Didn’t you say you were going to divorce her? What’s going on, Adam” Marian understands where her anxiety was coming from and feels horrible that it was justified.

“I know, I know. I was going to tell you – but I can’t leave her so easily Mar. I tried. She won’t let me.” He sits down beside Marian and takes her hand in his. “We’re going to go for marriage counseling. I was going to tell you soon. I promise,” he continues.

All of a sudden, Marian’s world starts fading out, Adam’s face is spinning slowly at first….then very quickly and in less than a minute, Marian has passed out.

---

When she comes around, it’s not Adam she sees but Betty – her best friend. Betty is putting a cold compress to Marian’s forehead while talking to her husband Craig. “I didn’t say MindChamps is definitely better, I’m just saying I think we should consider it. Don’t get your panties in a bunch, just do what I say and sign up for their trial session – I gotta go, just handle it will you?!” Betty hangs up when she sees Marian waking up.

“What happened Mar? And why was Adam’s face so pale when he left?” Betty asks, helping her friend sit up and arranging the cushion to fit behind her back.

“He left? Fucking asshole” Marian said.

“Yeah, when he opened the door and saw me, he mumbled a bunch of things and just left in a hurry, he didn’t even take his cap,” Betty said, gesturing to the prestigious Singapore Airlines pilot’s cap on the table. “I don’t know what you see in these pilots honestly, they’re just atas bus drivers,” Betty is pouring herself a glass of wine from Marian’s fridge.

“How can you say that? Your husband is a pilot,” Marian says as she fingers around her head and finds it – a single bump is forming from where she hit the ground.

“Ya, and that’s why I know how useless they are. Can fly a big plane around in the air but cannot complete simple tasks like making an appointment, tsk. Sometimes I really wonder if he’s playing dumb or really dumb,” Betty says in her usual singlish accent.

Marian laughs lightly, and then turns to her friend somberly, saying, “he panicked Bets, he said he’s gonna work on his marriage. I think I fucked up again.”

“what do you AGAIN?” Betty’s eyes widened.

“I may or may not have gotten myself pregnant again…..this time on purpose.” Marian says bashfully.

“WHAT THE FUCK MAR? Wasn’t the last abortion painful enough?! How could you be so stupid to get yourself pregnant AGAIN?!” Betty yells, spilling a little of her wine on the couch.

Marian quickly soaks a cloth with Vanish and starts rubbing the stain off – it’s too late.

“I wasn’t thinking properly. We had just come back from celebrating my promotion, he was being so sweet. And I just thought…maybe if I were to nudge him a little, he would leave his wife and be with me. So, I lied to him and said I was on the tailend of my period and that it was impossible for me to get pregnant. As soon as he came in me, I started to panic but Bets!! I don’t know. Is it crazy that I don’t regret it?”

Betty’s mouth is agape and she’s staring at her crazy-ass bestfriend. “You’re fucking insane,” Betty says. “What are you going to do?”

“I’m going to get him to choose me. I’m going to tell his wife I’m pregnant.” Marian says with conviction.

“Mar….is this really about Adam? Or is this about….You know.” Betty starts but doesn’t dare finish her sentence.

“Don’t say his name.” Marian closes her eyes in denial to what Betty is suggesting. “Just, don’t”

---

The slivery memory is from 5 years ago but Marian remembers it like it was yesterday.

They were sitting on the beach, facing the waves when suddenly, he comes up behind her and whispers into her ears, “Mar…I want you so bad.”

The words linger and echo around, his salty lips hovering over her neck…..

“Stop,” Marian snaps her eyes wide open, forcing herself out of the memory, caressing her belly.

“This time, it will be different.” She promises herself. “This time, we will be chosen.”

my head is pounding. it’s 4.24pm and i’ve been crying for more than an hour now.

i’ve told him i can’t go. i just can’t. i’m not emotionally capable of climbing a temple with god knows how many steps and be around with cheerful people when all i want to do is cry. i actually WANT to cry. because fuck me. this has been long time coming.

i lost her. i lost someone who was meant to love me forever. and i lost her. i’ll never get over it. it’s my mother’s curse all over again. she had a best friend and they broke up in their 20s. it’s been more than 20 years and my mother is still not over losing her best friend. i don’t want that for me. but what the flying fuck.

in the parking lot, my mother cries to me. and i can’t. i just can’t. i’m brought back to when i was 9 or 10, i don’t even remember. and i just feel once again, that i’m responsible for making her feel better. i’m responsible for her emotions and so i have to suppress all of my own. this time, i let it all out. i tell her how it felt as a child, to have an emotionally distant and emotionally unaware mother. i tell her the truth about how i never felt she understood me. i tell her 3 times in different ways until she understands. and i don’t care that it hurts her. because i want my words to sink in. i want my mother to know how much it hurt me as a child.

i’m crying so much my head hurts. it feels incredibly heavy.

---

after an hour of trying to sleep, i text rella.

she asks me to separate the ego from the self.

i tell her my triggers are on high alert today and i’m having an episode. she tells me to note the triggers and notice the common theme.

“fear of abandonment. feeling like i’m not worth the effort. feeling like they’re going to walk out on me as they always do”

“what does your ego want out of you feeling this way?” rella asks

“my ego wants to feel like it’s right, like all of my reasons for feeling insecure are justified. it wants to tell me I TOLD YOU SO”

“yea, it’s easier to put yourself down, isn’t it?” rella asks and she continues by prodding me “how strong do you feel you need to prove it wrong? how much of a fighter are you? it’s YOU against your Ego”

“i wanna prove it wrong so bad, i wanna fight it” I cry even more as i’m saying this. i want to punch my ego in the balls and beat it to a pulp.

“Notice the EGO is powerless and that YOU ultimately have the power? it’s not your job to make anyone else see you. it’s your job to see yourself first. when you are able to love yourself truly, and not abandon your needs, nobody else can abandon you. the only commitment others can do for you is to be there. ” rella continues

---

this is it ladies and gentlemen. this is true life.

in the moment where i’m fighting against my ego. because it might be easier to give into my ego and let it defeat me.

but i don’t do easy. so fuck you ego. i’m taking back my power.

Once upon a time, two birds, Beng and Lian met on a palm tree and Beng fell in love with Lian.

To attract her attention, he brought her many gifts. First, he found a shiny piece of aluminium and placed it infront of her. Then he found a few shiny rocks and with immense effort, brought all of them infront of her.

Beng wore black sunglasses and gold on his feathers and feet.

Lian looked at the shiny things he brought but said to Beng “Thank you for your presents but I can’t accept them without knowing who you are. I cannot see your eyes because you’re wearing sunglasses, take them off so I can see your eyes and look into your soul.”

Beng replied, “I can’t take off my sunglasses now because I have a sore eye. Instead, let me show you a photograph of who I am”

He gave her a photograph of himself and Lian said, “you have kind eyes” and accepted his gifts.

After a few months of courtship, Beng brought to Lian the biggest shiny rock she had ever seen in her life.

“What is this for?” Lian asked Beng

“You deserve the best in the world, so I brought you this shiny rock to show you how much I love you” he said.

“But a rock cannot prove your love for me, show me your eyes,” Lian asked Beng again.

“My love, I would love to show you my eyes, but the Sun is too bright today, and when I took down my sunglasses off earlier, the sun rays burned my eyes and now they are even more sore. Instead, I will show you what I’ve been building for us,” Beng took her hands in earnesty and gently told her.

Lian didn’t want her darling Beng to be in pain and so she allowed him to lead her to what he’d been building.

“Look my love, I’ve been building a nest for us. It’s made out of gold! Do you like it?” Beng asked his dearest Lian.

“My love, this is wonderful, but where did you get all this gold?” Lian asked

“I’ve been saving up for many years, waiting for the right person to come along. And when I first met you, I knew you were the one for me, so I started to build this golden nest for us so we can live happily together here forever,” Beng said

“Forever?” Lian asked

“Forever. I give you my word, my dearest Lian, that you are the only one for me. I vow to always protect and honour you; I will never leave or forsake you” Beng said. And with that, he placed a golden necklace over her neck and placed a mirror infront of the both of them.

Lian ruffled her feathers and noticed how heavy the gold necklace weighed while she looked at them both in the mirror. She couldn’t care less about the necklace on her neck, but when she saw the way Beng was smiling at her, her heart filled with joy and she believed that he loved her.

“Then I give you my word as well Beng, that what’s mine is yours, and that my body, heart and soul belong to you. Let’s make a beautiful life together and I shall love you till the end of time”

But soon after they started living in this golden nest, Lian noticed that Beng was hardly around.

Every day, Beng would fly out of the nest in the early hours of the morning and return home late at night. Lian would find breakfast and dinner for her husband, and wait patiently for him to come home so they could spend time together.

Weeks passed and Lian asked Beng. “My love, is everything okay? You’ve been busy spending most of your life outside of this nest, and I’ve hardly been able to get to know more of you.”

Beng replied, “Lian I told you many times that my life outside of this nest is none of your concern and I’m working very hard to make our golden nest bigger. Didn’t you say that’s what you want? More gold and a bigger nest?”

Lian was shocked and immediately felt guilty for something she never said or did.

“I’m sorry love, I see that you’re tired. Maybe it’s because you’ve been carrying around this gold for so long. Why don’t you take the gold off and I’ll give you a nice warm bath, then you can have a good rest.”

Beng said to Lian, “I cannot take the gold off, it’s attached to my feathers, my parents had them sewn into me when I was born to show others that I’m special.”

“Isn’t it tiring to fly around with so much weight all the time? Why don’t you remove them?” Lian asked

“REMOVE THEM? Then I’ll look like any other bird out there, and I won’t be special anymore. Why would you even ask me something like that?” Beng started to get angry with Lian

Lian noticed that she could hardly see any expressions on Beng’s face because he still had his black sunglasses on his face.

But she didn’t want to anger Beng any longer, so she didn’t bring the topic up.

Months passed by and now Beng hardly shows any affection to Lian. He goes about his business every day, and on the weekends he hangs out with Lian but is hardly ever present. He mirrors everything she says and lets her plan all of their dates and holidays, but not once does he ever ask her if she’s okay or if she’s happy.

Lian found herself alone in their golden nest alot, and it started to feel more like a golden cage.

One day while she came from work, a big burly bird came by and said “WHERE IS BENG. HE OWES ME MONEY”

Lian asks this big burly bird “are you sure it’s my Beng who owes you money? We don’t have much at all, only this golden nest.”

“And who do you think helped Beng to build this nest? I took golden strands out of my own nest to give him a chance to be with you because when he first met you, he had nothing to his name”

Lian took off the golden necklace Beng once gave her and said to this big burly bird, “take this gold neclace back and I’ll get you more gold the next time you come”

When Beng came home from work that day, Lian showed him 10,000 golden strands that she borrowed from her friend.

“Beng, I know you borrowed some gold from your friend, and I don’t have much to my name. This is all I have – take it and return him some of the gold we owe him”

Tears started streaming down Beng’s face and he said, “are you not going to leave me because I lied to you? It’s true, I didn’t have much gold with me when we first met. I used to spend gold unwisely and I lost a huge amount of it before we met. I wanted to impress you and so I borrowed gold”

“I never wanted the gold, my love. I just wanted for us to be soul mates and love each other. Please take off the sunglasses so I can look into your soul”

“I would love to take off my sunglasses Lian, but I don’t think you will love me after you look into my eyes. So please, let me keep them on for now. We have a whole eternity together anyway, we will slowly build our life back together” Beng told Lian. He was secretly afraid that Lian wouldn’t like what she sees when he takes off his sunglasses. He had this fear of her leaving him once she finally looks into his soul.

Lian could sense that fear, but she loved Beng anyway so Lian forgave Beng and they made a plan – A plan to leave this nest and have a better chance to pay back the gold Beng borrowed from the big burly bird.

Over the next year, the big stress of paying off the gold weighed heavily on Beng and Lian. Lian took up 2 different jobs in the day, and Beng worked harder at work. The year did not go well for the both of them. And even though they slept in a golden nest, both of them felt no love from each other, only stress.

First, Beng started to sleep on one side of the nest without her, then they stopped ruffling feathers all together. When Lian asked Beng why he wouldn’t touch her anymore, Beng said he wasn’t attracted to her anymore and that he was too stressed with getting more gold.

That news sent Lian into a downward spiral of depression and she began to eat less and less. Every day, she would fly for hundreds of kilometres until she became lighter and lighter, so she could look more beautiful to Beng.

At the same time, Beng was asking himself “why does Lian not love me for who I am? Isn’t what Im giving her enough? I’m working my ass off day and night to provide a nice comfortable nest for us, I’m doing all I can to give us a brighter future. Why can’t she see that? Maybe she doesn’t love me for who I am?”

Beng came home each day more tired and eventually stopped caring or looking at Lian altogether. The stress of needing to get more gold weighed heavily on him and the guilt he had towards her wouldn’t stop gnawing at him.

“When we pay off the gold, things will get better,” he constantly told himself.

“When we pay off the gold, things will get better,” Lian constantly told herself.

A year passes and their chance finally came. “Lian! My boss is sending me to America! America, the land of the brave and the free. There, we will have more money than we need, and I can finally pay off the loan I took!”

Lian was excited and happy as Beng came home with this news, but now she was more concerned about other things.

“Beng, it’s been many moons since we’ve been together, I want you to take off your sunglasses and look at me, so I can look into your soul,” Lian asks

“No. I will not. I don’t need to do what pleases you. I’ve worked so hard over the last many moons, just so I can provide a golden life for you. What more do you want?” Beng said to Lian

“I never wanted the gold Beng, I wanted to see your soul,” Lian replied. But Beng’s anger only grew and grew. He felt like his love for Lian wasn’t enough and started to feel as if his efforts were never going to be acknowledged by Lian. On the other hand, Lian just wanted Beng to be with her, and actually build a life together with her and not FOR her. The two birds keep miscommunicating with each other and soon, even the greatest love they once felt for each other wasn’t enough.

The two of them distanced more and more, physically and emotionally until one day, Lian felt like the golden nest was too lonely for her, and decided to let Beng go.

“Beng I don’t think you are happy with me, and maybe you should find another bird to be with you. I don’t feel loved and I don’t think you feel my love for you too,” she said, with tears in her eyes.

“Lian no, don’t give up on us. As long as we stick together, our life will be for the better. In just one month, we will be in America! Where our dreams will come true and we can live happily together finally!” Beng said to Lian.

But deep down, Beng had already decided for himself – that since Lian had given up on him, he shall find himself a new bird. “That Lian is such a selfish bird. Everything I do, I do for her and still she tells me I’m not enough. Why can’t she see that I love her? Why can’t she accept me for who I am?” he thought to himself

5 days before they were about to fly to America, Lian could sense the big secret Beng was keeping from her so while he was sleeping one night, Lian took off the sunglasses he always wears, and shook Beng up abruptly.

When Beng woke up, he was confronted by a big pair of eyes staring deep into his soul.

All at once, he felt great shame and the light from the sun got too intense and powerful. He was afraid to let Lian see more into his soul so he shut his eyes up tight. “What are you doing Lian! I can’t see!”

“Open your eyes Beng, you’re safe with me. Just open your eyes and let the sun guide you” Lian tried to soothe her husband.

“No!!!! You have destroyed my eyes. You are an infection in my life. How can you rip apart the one thing I asked you not to touch! Give me back my sunglasses!” Beng roared at Lian.

Lian had never seen this side of Beng and terrified, she dropped his sunglasses to the ground and flew away. Away and away Lian flew from the golden nest, until she could no longer see or hear Beng.

Groping around for his sunglasses while keeping his eyes shut, Beng cried and cried in agony. He was in so much pain from the sun’s rays. “Why did she do that? Why did she betray me? I gave her all parts of me and just kept my eyes for myself, why did she not respect my wishes?” Beng cried aloud

“Here, I’ve found your sunglasses,” a sweet voice suddenly rang out. Beng felt a warm touch on his shoulders as he spun around to face the voice.

“Will you hand me my sunglasses please?” He said to the kind stranger.

“Sure,” she said, as she put the glasses on for him.

When he put on his sunglasses and opened his eyes, Beng was surprised. The kind stranger was another beautiful bird, one who looked completely different from Lian.

“Did you see where my wife Lian went?” He asked this beautiful bird

“No. But I don’t think she’s coming back. Why don’t I stay here with you instead? You look like a nice loving bird, and I really like your golden nest” she told him.

“Yes I think that’ll be great,” Beng said, completely mesmerized by this foreign bird’s presence and soothing voice.

Together, this new bird helped Beng to forget – all about his wife Lian who flew away. “She left me anyway, it’s not my fault. I have no guilt to bear, no shame to face” He told himself.

The next day, Beng went to the big burly bird and paid him the money he owed him. “Hows your wife, Beng?” the burly bird asked.

“I have a new wife now, the old one’s dead to me,” Beng replied coldly.

“Here is the necklace your wife once handed to me, she wanted to help you pay off some of the gold you borrowed from me,” Big burly bird said to Beng.

With ice in his heart, and a deep hatred for Lian, Beng brought the gold necklace home and said to his new wife.

“Here darling, I got this gold necklace for you. Let’s start a new life together with your gold necklace in our golden nest. And together, we shall make more gold and be happy.”

“That sounds wonderful darling, this beautiful gold necklace is just what I wanted! How did you know I love gold? I’ve been flying around all over, looking for a golden nest just like yours. I’m so happy your wife left you, so now I can take her place. As long as you vow to love me more than you loved her, I vow to be with you in this life so we can make everything we touch turn into gold and become the richest, happiest birds in town,” the new bird sang to Beng.

“And look darling, I bought you new sunglasses! I know your eyes hurt when your soul gets exposed to the sun, so I got you a few new sunglasses to wear on different occasions. I will never be like Lian who wanted to hurt you, I’ll protect your soul from the sun always,” the new bird continued

“You’re the true bird for me, I will love you forever, you were my soulmate all along” Beng said to the new bird, who felt happiness in her heart, as all she ever wanted was a bird to tell her she was worthy and loved.

And so, Beng and his new wife stayed happily ever after, in their golden nest with their gold necklaces around them. They had a few baby birds and built an even bigger nest. In the end,the nest became a tall and big golden cage, so that Beng and his new wife could keep their baby birds safe and protected. Even though none of them ever left their golden cage, their family was happy. Beng never had to take his sunglasses off and his new wife had all the gold she ever wanted. Even though Beng never confronted his soul to look deep down into who he was, he was happy to live in denial and so was his new wife, who was equally happy to live in denial as long as she was surrounded by gold and felt secured with Beng’s love for her.

Every day, Beng would fly out of their golden cage and fly right back into it to his family. Beng was contented. His new wife was contented. The more gold Beng brought to her, the more she was happy. The more sunglasses she bought for him, the more she was happy. The bigger their cage grew, the more they felt contented – hidden and protected away from the rest of the world, them turning a blind eye to the ills of the world, and the world completely indifferent to this family of birds and the gold they collect.

As for Lian?

She had, for once in her life, flown so far away from home that she discovered mountains and oceans far beyond the horizon. She learned about the existence of new lands! New birds! New cultures and new foods. She discovered more and more of herself and found new ways of flying higher and further. She experienced so much life in these new environments and decided to explore them slowly.

One day, she met another bird, this time with great big eyes. She looked deeply into his soul and saw who this bird was, as he looked into hers. They fell in love, truly and deeply this time, because they met each other’s souls.

Lian vowed to herself, never again, to trade her freedom for a golden cage.

Catherine was the youngest of 8 darling children. They all lived in Ang Mo Kio.

She had long hazelnut hair…. skin fair and light, unlike all her siblings who had dark hair and dark skin. Catherine was nicknamed Cat by her family, and Cat loved being a Cat.

She was 4 when she started meowing… to make her siblings laugh.

There was Cain the eldest who was 12 years older, Caleb who was 13. Cecilia was 12 and the one who could sing, Camilia, 11, who always smelled like a flower. Connie and Cassie, 8 years of age, could dance and were identical twins. Then just after the twins was little Cassandra, who at 6 years old could already carry things much heavier than herself.

The 8 Lim siblings lived a poor but happy life in Ang Mo Kio and often played House with each other. Cain and Cecilia would play Mama and Papa, the twins would be their babies. Caleb would always want to be their butler and Camilia would play the actress in a movie they’re watching. Cassandra would pretend she was the sofa and often had Cain and Cecilia sit on her. Little Cat often looked at this scene and want to play the sun, moon, or stars.

“No! You have to be a cat! That’s literally your name!” her siblings would all say

And so she would sit quietly to make her siblings happy and meowed the night away.

The next day, when playing House, everyone changed roles. “Today, Caleb and Camilia will be Papa and Mama, me and Cecilia will be the actors,” Cain said. “Connie and Cassie will be the sofa, and Cassandra you can be our Butler,” Cecilia continued.

“But what about me? Can I change roles? Maybe today I’m a bird?” Cat asked her older siblings.

“No! You have to be a cat! That’s literally your name!” her siblings would all say.

So it was decided that Catherine played the Cat of a scene that had different actors for the same characters, day after day.

Day after day, Catherine meowed like a cat, because whenever she did so, her siblings would laugh and pet her.

Day after day, month after month, and soon time rolled into years.

By the time Catherine turned 10, her parents finally realized their youngest daughter didn’t speak. It happened one day when her father was sacked from his job, and had to stay home with his children

“Children, let’s have some pancakes, shall we?” Mr Lim who had a tight moustache and a big belly, bellowed to his 8 children.

“Yes please!” Cain and Cecilia chimed, already sitting at the table waiting excitedly.

“Oh yes, I’d love some!” Caleb said, pulling out a chair at the table for himself.

“Thank you papa, they smell delicious!” the beautiful Camilia smiled sweetly at Mr Lim.

“YUMMMYYYYYY” said the twins and Cassandra, stuffing the brown delicious pancakes into their mouths.

Then Cat bit into a pancake and liked it so much, she let out a huge “MeeeeeOooooOooWwwww”

Her siblings laughed and laughed and laughed so Mr Lim laughed too.

Then he asked Cat if she wanted some more and again she said Meow Meow.

“You can stop meowing now, my dear, use your words and not sounds, you can’t be a cat all day” Mr Lim said sternly to his daughter.

But Cat looked at her father and titled her head to the side, wondering why he couldn’t understand her. “Meow meow meow, meow, meow meow?” which in Cat’s mind meant, “Can’t you understand me Papa?”

Mr Lim didn’t find this funny at all, and walked around the table to tower menacingly over Cat. “Stop this nonsense at once! I demand you to speak!” He shouted with his eyebrows all crunched up in anger.

“I am speaking Papa! Can’t you hear me and know what I’m saying?” Cat said, but all that came out from her mouth was more meow meow meow meows.

When Mrs Lim came home from cleaning houses all day, Mr Lim told his wife “You’ve got a crazy daughter”

So Mrs Lim, when tucking Cat into bed, whispered these words into her ears, “I know you just want attention, I’m sorry we can’t give it to you, I’m tired everyday and your father is a nuisance to deal with. I know you were just playing around and didn’t mean to make him mad. But now that you’ve angered him I have to sleep beside an angry man and I hope he’s not going to punish me. I don’t blame you at all my darling Catherine, I guess I’m just saying I understand. What it’s like to stand infront of a man you love, and have him look past your eyes at other women. What it’s like to give birth to 8 of his children and know that he has 8 others with other women. Cat, all I’m asking, is that starting tomorrow, you start behaving like a good girl should. I cannot give you more attention but know I always love you. Please start talking tomorrow and stop meowing because my life is already difficult enough. Goodnight”

Little Cat, at 10 years old, heard all of her Mama’s words. She turned to her side, her eyes still wide, and tears starting crawling down her cheeks. At first they crawled slowly, as if they were sleepy, then all of a sudden, her tears became hot.

Hot tears are now running not crawling at all, furiously out from Cat’s eyes…. down towards her cheeks. Cat cries and cries and cries and cries, until the tears run dry.

The next day when playing House, the siblings noticed something about their Cat. She would laugh and cry at the same time, and mess up all of their stage dialogue. “Let’s pet this good little cat,” Cain said. “Be a good cat, Cat”, Cecilia said.

But Cat just ignored them…. started walking on all fours, licking her hands and feet. She snuffed her nose up in the air at the Lim siblings, lay down on the floor on her side, and started purring. Cat was now so good at playing a cat, that suddenly all 7 of them got scared.

“Stop it now Cat, I don’t want to play anymore. Go back to being yourself” Caleb said, his eyes now full of fear.

Cat listened to her brother’s words and once again, her emotions grew big. Bigger and bigger, Cat’s feelings grew, bigger and bigger her meowing became.

She meowed and cried, and cried some more, then rolled over to play dead.

“Let’s leave her alone, she’s just being silly,” Connie and Cassie said.

So off they went, back into the house, and left Cat alone playing dead.

While playing dead, Cat thought to herself, hey! There’s finally calmness. No more shouting or yelling, or bossing around. She can now start to feel a quiet peace.

Dead, I shall be. Play a dead cat always. So everyone will leave me alone.

Ever since then, Cat was never again, asked to play House with her siblings. “She’s crazy, our Catherine. That must be the case. She’s crazy, she thinks she’s a cat”

Crazy Cat! She became that day, but Catherine didn’t mind it at all. At least they will leave me alone to be, so crazy Cat I will remain.

I remember when all it took to love you

Was watching you laugh

When time slowed down, and I could hear your laughter ringing throughout the room. I could feel the vibrations bounce off my skin, reverberating off the walls and straight back into my ribcage, into my heart.

Moments when you’re still asleep and I’m still sleepy, me rolling over towards you, watching the soft sun beams light up parts of your face. Light up your eyebrows that carry no weight of the world, your lips that speak no lies.

The electricity pulsing at the tips of my fingertips when we first touch fingers, then warmth spreading very quickly all throughout my body – from the moment our palms touch to the moment my stomach registers how it feels to feel you.

I remember all the tears you shed onto my cheeks, as I held you against my body, soothing your pain. I remember the taste of your sorrows, as I invited them into my heart and vowed to carry us through the difficulties of life.

Love never departed us. We just stopped learning how to show love to each other. We stopped caring because we felt uncared for. We stopped waltzing with each other because we kept trying to figure out who first fell out of rhythm.

I stayed up all night, tell myself everything’s okay, our love is just harder to find. Every night, I’m dancing with a memory of us, a memory of you.

How do I love? How do I trust that you do love me? Can we even have different definitions of love?

I hear you tell me words and I tell myself – maybe you’re just momentarily in shock, temporarily tired.

But what if? I’ve been dancing with your ghost this whole time, and you’re already not here?

What if, I’m holding onto something that doesn’t really exist in this reality anymore?

It doesn’t quite matter does it? Because Now is made up of fleeting moments, and by the time we get here, it’s already yesterday.

Perhaps, you’ve been dancing with the ghost of me, and I no longer already exist.

If so, I wish you love and light, constant happiness, limited sadness, and always a never ending thirst for this third dimension life. I wish you endurance, I wish you peace, and I wish you carry pure love in your heart for humanity always.