synonymsforjane

These days, I wonder if it was you I loved, or the idea of you that I stayed in love with.

If I made a list of reasons why we were never gonna work out, it’s a long one. Somehow I just can’t understand why we were ever so attracted to each other in the first place.

But I’m doing that thing again aren’t I? The thing where we go over every single detail of the past and try to pin fault on an element, completely out of our control.

It doesn’t matter why I fell in love with you. And when I think about you, it annoys me how much I still irritatingly feel an ache. Where does it come from? Why is it so valid?

I suppose the reasons don’t matter so much.

The letting go matters more.

Learning how to love is also knowing how to receive love.

Sometimes, letting people do things for us is a way of letting us love us. Even if we don’t need them to do things for us, knowing that it’ll make them happy to do so, will make us happy too.

I’m really enjoying filling my days with happy moments 🙂

I’m so blessed. I have so much in life. I am surrounded by so much love.

I can’t wait to use my gifts and to exchange energy with others, so they can also feel the same love I’ve received. Sending out love and compassion to anyone reading this today. One day I’ll meet you, and I’ll give you a big hug.

Therapy taught me that many of my triggers, fears and emotional trauma came from my mother wound.

My mother almost died after giving birth to me. Half of her placenta got stuck in her womb and 14 days after I was born, she started bleeding out midway while breast feeding. My dad was at work and my uncle rushed her to the hospital.

“There is a 50-50 chance of survival since she’s lost alot of blood” the doctors told them.

My mother survived.

But because she nearly died, and went through such a traumatic event, her unconscious mind started to train her to emotionally disconnect with her daughter – me.

“Raise her in a way so she will never need you. Raise her so that one day if you die, she will still be okay” her Not self mind told her.

So my mum, not having the luxury of therapy, being born in an era where women were still expected to get married, have children and while at it, work and earn an equal wage as men, listened to her unconscious mind.

She raised me by giving me materially what she thought I needed, but she also raised me at an arm’s length. Mostly to protect herself from facing any guilt of one day having to leave me.

Over the years, Mum started gaslighting, projecting her fears on me, emotionally distancing from me and yet still making me feel guilty for not being a good enough daughter. I learned that to earn her love, I had to be good at studying. I had to excel in all the things she put me through – piano, roller blading, guitar, speech and drama, abacus, art, windsurfing, diving. I thought that mum wanted me to live out the life she never had. And so I did. I raised myself to live better than her, think better than her and I told myself “never be like mummy”

It took a long time to finally do the shadow work and realize that the solution to our problem was not finding blame or fault. But showing compassion.

Compassion to mum who didn’t know how to deal with her big emotions.

Compassion to myself for not knowing how to deal with my mother wound.

It took effort, alot of honest conversations, and an active intention to heal and forgive. But healing my mother wound has changed everything. It’s helped me realize where my negative attachment patterns stem from.

How I define love.

How I show love.

How I react to triggers.

I forgive you Mummy. And I know that you’re trying. So let’s work together and move on from the past. So we can enjoy whatever present we have left.

I told her.

And now is the beginning of many beautiful things that will come 🙂 all starting with compassion.

The path to seeking enlightenment is long and arduous.

But over the last couple of weeks, I found the answer.

We all know that life is hard and completely out of our control sometimes.

But what we can control is how we react to the tsunamis that sweep through our lives and cause wreckage to our hearts.

Over the last couple of weeks, my mind swung from enthusiasm to moodiness, from being excited about the future to being depressed about losing Mr M.

My mind was obsessed about knowing the future. I went for a fortune telling reading, I consulted all my spiritual gurus and asked them the dreadful question “when will I meet my twin flame? When will I finally meet someone who will choose me so we can get married and have children?”

Just asking the question aloud now makes me wanna chuckle.

Still, the universe didn’t disappoint. Pattern app kept reminding me to focus on my talents and gifts, to touch base with my creativity and just let loose. So I did. I went back to dance, I continued yoga, I walked everyday mindfully.

I started seeing many angel numbers, and realized how aligned I was with my inner self. I started feeling this incredible calmness and peace, amidst the heart break.

“Let go.” My inner voice said. “This lesson is meant to teach you….to let go”

I’m not religious, but I do enjoy the teachings of Ajahn Brahm, particularly his book called “opening the door to your heart”

To cope with the breakup, I’ve been listening to his podcast episodes. And it’s true isn’t it?

We create agonising moments for ourselves when we want to control our situations turn out. We think we will be happy when we get good grades. And then we don’t and we take it as a sign of stupidity.

We think we will be happy if we get a good job. And then we do and we realize it’s not what we enjoy but because we worked so hard to get it, we stay in this job hoping we will one day enjoy it.

We think we will be happy when we finally find a partner. And then we go through a breakup or we lose them through death, and we have to learn the hard way that love doesn’t equate to owning people, but that love should be given and received unconditionally.

We keep trying to control events in our lives, thinking that happiness is achieved when we earn it.

The minute we start detaching though, is when we do start realising that happiness comes easiest when we create happy moments in our lives. We can do so by investing time into friendships and family. We can help others. We can actively pursue our hobbies and interests, things that make us happy.

We can always find ways to create happiness in our lives.

Of course, depression, sadness and anger are all apart of life. And they’re precious teachers that all teach us something important about ourselves.

Ultimately, detachment is also reminding ourselves that what will be, will be. And things are as they are, not what they were and not what they can be.

It is what it is.

Of course I miss you

But can I also say how much I’ve missed hearing my own still small voice?

Letting you go is not as difficult still. As searching for that small voice within me.

Of course I miss you but can I also say how proud I am of us?

We needed to expand our hearts when we first met each other, and boy did we do that. We loved so fiercely and completely, we were infinite in the finite moments we lived in.

Of course I miss you but can I also tell you how since the breakup, life has shown me how equally important friendship is? We often value romantic love more than friendship, but my friends have stood the test of time, and are still standing by me. I appreciate them so much more now that I’m older and I feel now that female friendships are so sacred.

Of course I miss you but can I also say how excited I am to be solo travelling again? I can make plans to Korea, Japan, Australia, Costa rica, I can choose to sail or hike, run or swim. Can I tell you how honoured I am to be alive as an Asian woman now rather than just 50 years ago? How privileged is feel that my foremothers paved the way so I could have choice and independence?

Of course I miss you but can I also lament that you never used to hold me quite the way I needed to be held? It wasn’t a you problem, it was an us problem. We thought we fit together so well, but think about it. Really think about it. We were like puzzle pieces that almost match, but have that one sneaky side that just wasn’t right. How I craved to be held and how you craved to be understood.

Of course I miss you but I am happy only if you are. And sad whenever you are. You were my whole heart, and now that my heart has expanded, you will always occupy a part of it, along with the rest of the universe who’s important to me. You will always have a place in my heart. And we will always have our memories.

Of course I miss you but

We don’t live in the past nor in the future. And at this present moment, even though there is pain, there is also joy. There is wonder, excitement, fear, and courage, all rolled up into one messy body of mine.

Of course I miss you….but.

It’s been almost 2 weeks. And can I meekly say….I’m really starting to enjoy this breakup?

Of course, every morning I wake up with a kind of dull ache in my heart. Sometimes it happens randomly as well, when a memory crosses my mind, or I smell something or eat something or basically just breathe.

But that’s grief speaking. It isn’t regret, or torture. It’s just love that can’t go to a person anymore and so it turns into sadness.

As much as I remember the good times I also remember all the times I was left unfulfilled. All the times I caught myself thinking….do we really fit? Are we really compatible? Or am I just in this relationship because it’s safe and comfortable?

I never figured it out during our relationship. But I remember all the times I held myself back from something, because I prioritized the relationship. Doesn’t everyone have to do that when you’re with someone though?

Sure, of course. And I never really did need to sacrifice anything. I could have always gone to do those things. With or without him. And that’s maybe one of the lessons isn’t it?

I have to stop making the relationship become my personality. Not that I was, but I got complacent. I didn’t really go do the things I wanted to, or pursue certain dreams I had. I got lazy.

The breakup – whether it happened by providence or not – is fuelling me to really live my life. Make your own decisions, Jane. What do you wanna do? Where do you wanna go? Why does something make you feel alive while another thing bores you to death?

Now is the chance I get to live with me fully and completely. Now is my opportunity to be with myself. Undisturbed. And I’m gonna enjoy it for as long as it lasts.

i stand there with my arms dangling by my sides, looking like an idiot.

idiot with idiot arms. idiot heart. idiot mind.

it takes another 5 hours to process everything. by now my mind is such good friends with grief, it speeds through the grieving process and wants to express pass to the acceptance ride of this journey.

the body knows better though. and it keeps my heart in pain, kind of like when you’re studying for A levels and the anxiety you feel about not doing well is a constant hum in the background of your life for 2 years. it doesn’t go away, the pain. my heart only lets me breathe for a few hours, and then the pain resumes.

of course, within the mix of emotions also comes a sense of freedom. can pain and freedom go hand in hand? i don’t know, you tell me. you’re the universe that created all of this stupid life.

they say our lives are meant to be God experiencing itself – in all its range of emotions, capability to love and to know oneself.

well, i’m kinda tired playing this game. can’t we just jump out of it and switch over to the next game already? but i guess, from your viewpoint, time and space doesn’t mean a thing. it’s like in the movie interstellar, all the seconds and minutes of a lifespan all stacked up next to one another.

you’re enjoying this though aren’t you? i can hear you laughing.

it’s not spite i feel of course. i’m grateful. i just resent you slightly at the same time. but only because i’m in pain.

fine.

i know we’re meant to learn certain lessons.

so i’m learning.

i’m soaking it all in. and learning how to constantly change my thoughts into reality. what we think becomes.

what we put out will be what we receive. and i know it takes work. i’ve been lazy, relying on a safety net to pardon me from the work i know i have to do.

so i wake up every morning now, and choose my thoughts wisely. i choose how to spend my time (mostly alone). i choose to send out love to my enemies. kindness to the people i love. and courage for the ones i have not yet met. i choose all of these things, because i know deep within me, i now feel all of this pain that people suffer from, only because i’ve also explored those depths of my heart.

agony is now a friend, sorrow a mentor, and pain is fuel.

it’s funny no? how all of our emotions are just bags of energy. they’re not solid, liquid, or gas. they’re electricity. they’re currents. they’re…..heat, and light. they’re fire.

i used to feel so much fire within me. now, i hardly feel the heat anymore. i’ve given up i think, learning how to control my energy. or maybe, my fire is just tired and she’s taking a nap. one thing i’ve never been able to do.

i wanna be someone who can nap.

The last week has been surreal.

Because M isn’t an asshole, it was even harder to understand why we were breaking up.

But I guess that’s how low my benchmark for men was.

If they weren’t lying constantly, or had money issues, if they didn’t have avoidant issues, and weren’t spoiled by their parents, they were already a solid 7/10 in my books lol.

But that’s the thing, I do believe some people don’t get to meet their “soul mate” at a young age. I don’t even know if i believe in soul mates. I believe we have the chance to create a soul mate relationship with someone we meet in this life time.

M and I didn’t work out.

And I’m accepting that better than expected. I guess, I really have grown so much, to the point that I would rather be alone than be in a relationship where both people aren’t able to be their best.

I’m also accepting the fact that I may never find someone. Or that I may find someone when I’m 40, 50, 60.

Who knows?

This realization that my mindset has changed so much, is more comforting to me. I’m so grateful for the last few years. I’m so grateful for the privilege to heal.

And I’m excited to develop a closer relationship with myself, to truly learn how to be happy and contented – alone.

Day 4

Resist the temptation to think “I have to be with someone by xx age and have kids by xx time” the social conditioning that forces us to accept this as a norm is strong. But we are stronger.

I stayed within the relationship that wasn’t the most fulfilling, even though I loved him so much, because at the back of my mind, I really wanted him to be the man of my dreams. I wanted him to be the father of my children, and my partner in crime for the rest of my life.

I knew. Deep down I knew.

It was too difficult for us to ever stay together. Because we wanted different things. I saw the signs and I ignored it. Because we were each others safety net.

Resist the temptation to now fall in love with someone else just to fill the void in your life. Fall in love with you.

The right person will never leave us feeling like the wrong person for them.

Resist the temptation to think “I should have done this. If only I did that.” If you were meant to be, you wouldn’t ever have to blame yourself for not being enough. Instead, use this time to check in on yourself. What needs do you have that were unfulfilled? And is it possible to meet them yourself? The answer is yes of course, we are always enough for us.

Over the last year, I’ve gotten many “congratulations” for Marco’s existence in my life.

Many of these people are just happy because I’m happy. But some, when they meet us on the streets or send me DMs, have thanked Marco for taking care of me and said they’re happy I’ve met someone else.

But today, I wanted to talk about the possibility of Marco and I breaking up. Today, I want to share about when we should break up with someone.

(Before you worry, read the whole post and you’ll see what I’m trying to say)

I’ll admit it.

In the first year that we got together, Marco and I almost broke up a few times. It was always me who brought it up because my triggers were on high alert at the time.

I kept questioning myself and asking myself if I was ready. If I had the emotional capacity to be in a committed relationship. Was I healed enough already? Or was I just entering another relationship in order to counter my insecurities?

I didn’t want to make the same mistake that I did, when I entered a full blown marriage.

The question I kept asking myself was, “Am I ready to give my best self to this person so I don’t shortchange them?”

EDIT: I first started this draft April 2022

And it’s Feb 2023 now

M and I have broken up. And it’s so surreal. But at the same time, I feel like this was the push I needed. I’ve been relying on his love as a safety net the last 2 years. And even though i’ve done so much healing, I still feel alot of trauma that I have to heal.

Some of it isn’t even mine – some of it is intergenerational trauma. Trauma from the women in my past.

Meeting M and spending 2 whole amazing years with him was the best safe space I could have had. He treated me with so much love.

But I also know that my trauma wasn’t his responsibility, and it’s unfortunate that I relied so much on him that it started putting a strain on our relationship. There were other reasons that i won’t get into, but this reason I can choose to work on.

My next steps forward is to really heal.

Heal, Jane.

Don’t let loneliness be the reason you want to find a partner. You’ll end up finding someone who’s not the right match for you again.

Don’t you wanna one day just be so full of love it doesn’t even matter if you have a warm body next to you?

I can already feel that strength within me. I’m so much stronger today than I was Feb 2020, when I was in so much pain from the divorce.

The Jane today is so much more confident, she knows her strength now. She’s grown so much empathy for herself, and because of that, she’s also grown more empathy for others. She’s learned how to build boundaries, how to say no, how to be happy alone. She’s traveled the world….for 3 whole years and counting.

You’ve got this bbgirl. I love you.