synonymsforjane

Jane, you’re so brave. Am I, really? I truly don’t know. I guess the part where I’m brave is why I’m writing this down today.

These days spent in lockdown are fairly fun. 80% of the time I feel good. Excited about the future and truly experience happy moments where I feel free of the nightmare. I usually start my day preparing brunch. And then it’s either art, Spanish, or yoga classes online. A friend from back home usually calls and an hour or two goes by while we catch up….. Then it’s time for dinner and the three of us usually have conversations or play board games afterwards. The day ends, just like that. And repeats itself again.

So I guess maybe I can’t say that my days aren’t great. The thoughts however…. Im eager to get rid of soon. I know these things take time, and sometimes focusing on them too much would make matters worse too. But I’d like to take time to discuss them.

Grievances. It’s often easy to say “love yourself, give self love, detach self worth from others, ground your identity in how you see yourself, not how others see you”

It’s really hard to actually do so. Because it’s like asking you to go against how reality feels. If we love someone, it’s often because we feel loved too. Love, in its human form, often comes with expectations.

I’ve been getting really good dreams the past few weeks. Fun ones, ones that I used to get before DDay. My dreams get really creative and often make me feel my subconscious is a whole other person I would like to dig out and get to know. The other Jane is probably insecure and shy but wildly imaginative and incredibly talented. Me on the other hand…. I can make friends with any stranger and speak in a room of 500 and more, but ask me what my passion is, and the question leaves me dumbfounded.

But then it comes. A typical nightmare where reality and fear mixes up weird scenarios to make you feel trapped and frustrated. I’m sitting at the dining table with my family, and D and I had come from a stay cation. We had fought about certain reasons for splitting up, and I kept coming back to the same tune “but you left. The point of a marriage is to never leave no matter how much we don’t feel love anymore, it’s to have someone’s back, and to always try to make things work”

My frustration doesn’t get its satisfaction because we are immediately pulled into a dinner situation, with D’s mistress sitting between me and my dad, and D sitting across us with my brother and mum.

I start looking at the menu, logically thinking what I’d like to eat, practicing the social norm of asking my companions what they are thinking of ordering, and then it hits me. How in the world are we all sitting at one table? Why am I normalising this already? I cared why D felt it was okay for this to happen. But it’s funny how I was pissed at this simple dinner, while being extremely fast to want to forgive him for everything else.

In a way, it put things into perspective for me. Im not okay yet. The impatient part of me wants to fast forward to the part where I’m healed and not vulnerable anymore. The fear of having an open wound is making me anxious to fast-track the grieving and go straight to the healing.

But I forget, that Time is greater than I am. And that however determined I am, will not make me defeat what Time wants to put me through.

How then? Do I truly heal? Does time have a magical effect on wounds that just everyone can use on their pain? Is it like Vicks where no matter what the issue is, you just slap a ton of it on the pain point and wait?

Is it sieving through pain points one by one and then willing them into submission so they become numb? I don’t know the answer.

Sometimes I forget. But I loved him alot. It’s in the past tense because I choose not to anymore. Everyone has their idea of what love is and I think Love is a verb. It’s a choice to make. I believe D really loved me too. We were both madly in love. But along the way, forgot how to. We both allowed ourselves to hurt each other, by not actively loving each other. But knowing that doesn’t lessen my pain, because the pain point comes from him leaving, and not fighting. Maybe his hunch was right and that even if we tried, we would fail again. I don’t know.

But I know that I want to be free from this pain point. I know I want to believe the narrative that “you can’t control what someone else does, you can only control how you heal from their actions” but I also fear that I won’t love as naively and as freely anymore. I fear that I don’t believe in loving without expecting to get hurt anymore. I fear that I’ll bring a wall with me and carry it around.

I can feel the bricks forming, and this is the part where I’m choosing to be brave and desperately trying to claw them down. I don’t want fear to cripple me. I want to know God’s love, and let him heal me truly. I want to give God’s love, and one day be able to trust in someone again.

I don’t know what the steps are. But I know that im healing well, alot better than I thought I would. I’m aware of my impatience and I’m reminding myself to take it slow…. To take my time and sit still with my thoughts. To feel all the emotions and let them flow when they have to. To not fight the memories and let them surface, so I learn how to breathe through pain and not want to go around it.

Maybe it’s being in a foreign environment that’s helping. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m doing alot of learning, especially Spanish and art. Maybe it’s because I get to travel around, learn about Europe’s history of war and how people cope with loss. Maybe its the friends I have made and have back home who send me love all the time. Maybe it’s the reading I do, that helps me sort out my thoughts and gives me insight. Maybe it’s my constant quest to want to dig deep into my own brain and evolve into a stronger mind. Maybe it’s also the free spirited part of me thats now free, and itching to go, she’s on her mark, getting ready to explore all these places and things. Maybe it’s all of it put together. But I’m grateful to God for giving me this strength that I never knew was there. I’m grateful that when it was really tough to even get up, breathe, walk, or be awake, God put people in my life to stand by me, and He accompanied me through the toughest of times.

Now that it seems the first phases of pain are over, I want to grieve well. Not dwell on grievances anymore, but find a way to truly forgive D and myself, so I won’t fear loving again.

“when there’s nothing to do, do nothing” if there’s nothing else I can do now, I’m gonna sit and do nothing. It’s alot tougher than it sounds, this nothingness. But I believe I’m already doing well, now I just need to let Time do it’s magic.

Having seen how Singapore dealt with the covid virus made me so proud to be Singaporean. We took immediate measures, we were constantly communicated with, our schools and offices were never closed, our borders kept fairly open, and yet we contained the numbers quickly, swiftly and this is all due to the many people behind the scenes and in the forefront, putting their jobs first, their lives at risk, all because…. They can. Not because they must, but because they choose to. Same goes to every one else in the world who’s choosing to sacrifice a part of their comfort, alot of their time, to risk their health and help others.

I’m in England now, and unfortunately, things here aren’t the same. The government doesn’t seem as clear as to what they should do, and people here struggle to decide how to react. Do they go about their daily lives? Are things really that serious yet? Wouldn’t the government have said something by now if England really was in a dire situation? There is alot of uncertainty, and each day brings more news. People start pointing fingers and blaming.

It’s when things start to crack that we realize there were foundational problems. England is now facing the harsh reality that they had bigger problems even before Covid hit them. Singapore, on the other hand, was always ready for a crisis like this.

A divorce is the same, really. Its uncommon to talk about the possibility of one until it happens. Everything explodes and the “truth” shocks people around them. The story becomes sensationalised and people start asking how it could have happened. “but D and Jane were the perfect couple!” “they looked so sweet together”

Our marriage, though brief and short, was indeed sweet and memorable. I don’t want to talk specifics about how we messed it up, and how we could have done better, I don’t think that would be helpful. But I want to speak into the process of grief, one that comes from many sources, through death, illness, unemployment, the turn of a tide in many forms, mine now, the loss of a marriage.

I hadn’t really understood why I wanted to write this blog. Until a friend called me one day, and we talked for over 2 hours. He asked me how I was, and I shared candidly about what happened, how I’ve been doing now and my plans for the future. To my surprise, he started getting angry at me.

He couldn’t understand why I wasn’t more angry. I listened, to his words, and in between them, realized this emotion wasn’t about me. I asked him a simple question “have you been hurt like that before?” and he went silent for a few moments. I could hear his hesitation to be vulnerable, it wasn’t because he hadn’t processed his thoughts before, his story was at the tip of his tongue, it was clear that he had narrated this to himself many times before, and had been tormented by his own thoughts for a while now.

In his silence, he was just contemplating if he should now bring down that wall. It showed that his wound hadn’t healed, and that just a light tap on the surface still brought fresh pain.

He shared that yes, a few years ago, he felt the same abandonment that I did, an abrupt end to a relationship that he thought would lead to marriage. He experienced the same helplessness, not being able to change anything, feeling as if he didn’t have a choice to make, but was just handed one. He kept wondering what went wrong, and replayed again and again, the entire relationship. The beginning, the end, and all the bits in between. Even till now, he can’t understand the why and the how. He gave power to his pain and hid it, buried it deep down. He lashed out, started sending her nasty messages, calling her friends to get her to reconsider, going to clubs to meet new girls…. You know the drill. He forced himself to forget the pain, to move on, and found himself another girlfriend a month after the break up. That relationship went on for 2 years but ultimately broke down because he was shallow inside, empty. The sad thing is that a baby was born during these 2 years, and now they share parenting duties, unable to be together because he feels too stifled and suffocated to be with another partner.

2 years on and his pain still haunts him. His anger still brews inside of him, and he hangs on to a hope that justice would prevail, that he would be told the “truth”, that somehow the injustice done to him would be paid for. He allowed his own pain to manifest in another form, and now a child has to grow up with parents who don’t even know how to love each other, yet alone love her. He feels his guilt and his shame, and he’s afraid that now is too late to realize, he should have forgiven himself a long time ago. He should have long realized that Love is not about ownership, but about freely giving, not taking. He should have stopped blaming himself for a relationship that ended just because it wasn’t on his terms. He was waiting for someone to tell him, that no one can ever truly control another person’s actions. That all of us decide for ourselves, how we behave and are ultimately responsible for the consequences that come along with our actions.

Through his pain, he started crying. And I wished in that moment, I could give him a hug to tell him to cry harder. Cry out the pain and the agony, the frustration and the helplessness. Sadly, most men need these affirmations so much more than women.

I’m sure alot of us can relate to the emotions he feels, or that I feel, and even D who would feel the same I’m sure, once he’s able to process his emotions.

I don’t have the answers. But I know one thing. We have to go through Pain and Grief, and not around it. It’s not helpful to just find an outlet to numb the emotions just because they are overwhelming.

We have to let go of expectations from people around us. We have to stop caring so much about what society thinks. We have to give ourselves more self care, be more in tuned with who we are and what we feel. We have to be more honest! Especially with the people who love the most. Especially with ourselves. We have to realize that we are our greatest critics, and that at the end of the day, we often hold ourselves prisoners, when all we have to do is learn to forgive, let go and embrace positive parts. It’s also extremely important to stay true to yourself and not react unnecessarily.

Healing an emotional wound is so very similar to a physical one. The deeper the cut, the longer it takes to heal. Your body goes through the pain for a while, you get used to certain movements that would cause it to hurt more and so you readjust and adapt. You train your body to get stronger in other aspects so that its able to support the injury better. The same goes with healing an emotional wound. You address it, you focus more on loving yourself and achieving a deep sense of respect and peace, and you slowly wait for the wound to scab, and then heal. A scar will probably form at first and over time the scar will still be there, but after a while it will fade. You’ll forget that it was there, but once in a while stumble upon it, remember what the pain felt like but no longer feel it anymore. That’s the true kind of healing that I want.

I hope more people choose not to run away from grief. It’s terrifying. And at times it requires us to welcome unbearable truths about ourselves. It might make us feel disgusted with our mistakes, and force us to wonder how the hell we ever made those decisions. It could also teach us to realise we are only human and that we all have lessons worth learning. I hope we learn to share more about our struggles. Grab a friend and a bottle of wine, sit for 2 or 3 hours and spill it all out. Sometimes friends can be our best therapists.

If we could all choose to either judge/be judged or love/be loved, wouldn’t we choose the latter if we only knew that’s all anyone ever really wants?

It’s the 25th of February. I should have already been in Singapore for 2 weeks by now. And yet I find myself in a catedral atop of some hill overlooking a river that would have been much more beautiful in summer or spring. The upside for coming here in winter is less tourists and more peace.

I need peace. But peace also feels like the wrong thing to want. To feel peace now would be arbitrary because what I need is to feel the chaos in my mind, to see it…. And navigate through it.

It is not difficult to understand why I need to descend into a completely different environment surrounded by unfamiliar tongues and foreign faces. Even though I’m probably less than 24 hours from Singapore, my mind is galaxies away from reality.

I need to be somewhere I’m truly alone, where I can’t find a friend who could come meet me in an hour. Where no one knows me or expects things from me. Ironically, I am choosing to stay away from everyone because I can’t be distracted. By work, by the comfort of friends, by the glances of people who are desperately trying to make me feel better. I don’t want to feel okay when I shouldn’t. I’m aware of the strong defence mechanism I have, and I’m afraid of how fast it would build walls and force my emotions into a box and bury it deep.

How can I grapple with it? How can I be okay? I say this because I feel okay but I don’t understand how I can feel this way. I didn’t just watch my ex husband walk away from our marriage, I saw and felt the pain of him crumbling within himself as he broke down in tears before me. His guilt and shame is something only I can understand because I’ve been his best friend for the last 3 years. What he’s done is not just an injustice to our marriage and me, it’s destroying what he knows of himself. I cannot help but carry his burden along with mine. I’m careful not to allow the toxicity of the situation seep into my process of healing but I also want to stay true to myself. Its a confusing situation.

When time and space throws you in a parallel universe, one that you have barely even entered, you can’t begin to understand what reality is.

In a parallel universe, D and I are sitting in our living room, with our cats, having dinner with some drinks. We’re watching Brooklyn 99, talking about his work, my day, snuggling on the couch that’s long due for some cleaning.

In my current reality, I sit in a garden with 4 statues surrounding me, while I feel the 6 degrees wind slowly freeze up my face, numbing my senses. People dressed warmly from top to toe walk around, coffees in hands, most of them walking a dog or four.

Is any one of them more right or destined than the other? I can’t believe that.

Whatever happens, happens.

And a sort of surrender to the future events that will unfold brings me peace. This roller coaster journey has been giving me so many insights my own mind. I’m getting to know myself in such a raw and deeper level.

I’m more aware now, of many things I would like to work on. Its been painfully brought to my attention how the experiences I have gone through in the past, dating back a decade ago, still hold power over my thoughts and my ability to make decisions, free of their influence. I’m choosing to learn how to break away from the shackles of the pain I felt years ago, and sometimes that means digging deep. Spending the time and going through space to encounter with all that restricts me in my growth.

To my friends who miss me back home and have been sending me love and warmth, know that I keep you in my heart always and am thinking of you. To people who have been reaching out to me and telling me I’ve been strong, I’m honoured to hear all of your stories. It’s a truly beautiful thing that when people relate to each other’s pain, they reach out to connect in ways that would uplift each other. That’s all we need to do sometimes, to listen, connect and send hugs to people who need them.

While most people travel for a holiday, a respite from work, I was traveling in Mexico in escape of a horrible reality I was dealt with. So Mexico really, was more of an oasis in a desert for me, and I took it in with so much gratitude and respect that I might sound biased when I say this – everyone needs to go to Mexico at least once in your life.

Its not enough that Mexico has something for every kind of traveller – the adventurous hiker/diver, the hippy wanderer, the adrenaline chaser, the luxury traveller, the food gastronomer or even just a want-it-all tourist, Mexico also has the best kind of people to provide these experiences for you.

Though it is mainly a Spanish speaking country, I got by mostly using Google translate and also very basic hand signals that served their purpose well. You’d be surprised with how little you need words when you’re in an environment full of nice, warm and helpful people. In the cities however, service staff do know English so really it is when you venture out that I would recommend memorising some handy phrases starting with “Tu hablas ingles” which means (do you speak English)

Expenses in Mexico are far more affordable than in Singapore or even KL, what I would spend in a week in Singapore could easily last me 3 weeks in Mexico. Here is the cost of the general expenses:

A beer =25 pesos 3 tacos =anywhere between 10 pesos (streetside) to 50 pesos (restaurant) hostel stay = 150 to 200 pesos or less per night Shots in a bar = 50 to 80 pesos depending A meal in a restaurant = typically 80 to 150 pesos depending

Some things to note, most public toilets in Mexico are not free. You’d have to pay 30 to 50 pesos for entry. So use the bathrooms at your accommodation and restaurants as much as possible. Bus companies are very professional and comfortable, offering free WiFi and even a snack, but they can be way more expensive than flights sometimes, or even if you hitch a ride via the Blablacar app. Blablacar basically is like uber pool but it’s between cities. I took a ride from Mexico City to Guanajuato (4 hour journey) and it cost me 350 pesos, on the way back I took a bus that cost me 660 pesos so hitching a ride saves you much more.

To answer the age old question of whether mexico is dangerous, I can only say that from my own experience, I didn’t once feel like I was in danger or that I was going to get robbed. Having said that, the locals here would also remind you to take smart precautions like avoiding dark alleys, walking alone after dark, always strapping your bags across, not wearing too flashy things etc. I’ve felt more threatened in certain cities in the US and Malaysia than I did in the cities in Mexico.

The food in Mexico fed my soul and was hearty, delicious and homely. If you’re sick of paying so much for tacos in Singapore….get ready….

It took me a few months to realize this. But this is my second chance at living life differently! I never wanted to stay in Singapore. I never wanted to be a military wife, I never wanted to settle for less than enough. But I gave up alot of what I wanted for family.

Its interesting how life has turned out. The event that brought me the most pain thus far in life is now also the one that has freed me.

At 28, I now have this liberty to dream of doing anything I want. Its almost too good to be true but then it is!!

Thinking back on the past, I’ve definitely made certain decisions out of spontaneity and I don’t regret any of them. Just because certain decisions have led to less than likely outcomes doesn’t mean they shouldn’t have happened. Every event teaches us a lesson we had to.

Some people ask if I regret marrying my ex. And I can’t lie and say I don’t have those days. But just because things ended in this way doesn’t mean they were all a lie. When we were together, all the moments we shared were real. They were genuine. They were heartfelt. They’re also, over. I don’t see our marriage as a failure, and he will still be an important person in my life. So really, us separating is a chance for me to live my life in a completely different way.

One that I could only dream of. Friends who know me will probably vouch for how free spirited I am. And traveling for these few months has renewed a child-like passion in me, for the world out there. I have come across so many people who have shared their stories with me. There is so much I want to do… To feel… To touch…. To create.

I am beyond excited for this second chance in life!!!! And I can’t wait to see what’s in store for me. 🙂

My journey has been taking me through a little of Berlin, Paris, and I’m going to be in the UK and Spain next. For everyone of you who have reached out to say kind words and offer hugs, thank you. I am so grateful for your love and I carry your well wishes with me everyday.

I hope to see as many of you as I can when I’m back. But it will be awhile before then, so 😚😚😚😚😚😚 I miss all of you back home. See you soon.

When I left for Mexico, I was a broken shell of a person I used to be. Day by day, I rediscovered pieces of myself and even found new sides of me I never knew of. With every new place I visited, and every new friend I made, I became stronger and more confident of this new Jane I was becoming.

Mexico turned out to be extremely easy to travel around, and just like any other country, they have found ways to work around the loose laws and still make tourism work despite everyone’s view of it being dangerous. Most Singaporeans think of Mexico as scenes out of Narcos or Money Heist. I’m sure these events do occur but I was never once made to feel afraid. I did see a dead body once, but thankfully it wasn’t gory and I’m sure I’ve seen more dead bodies in traffic accidents in Singapore anyway.

If you practice wise traveling habits, you can go anywhere with a heart full of wonder and a desire to learn and absorb the beauty around every corner.

What lies there might just surprise you.

Goodbyes though, are what tugs at your heart strings. You meet a bunch of people, form genuine connections, travel together and make long lasting memories. And then paths diverge and people start saying their goodbyes.

I’m not great at goodbyes. And I choose never to get used to it. But goodbyes are a part of the journey, and every goodbye leads to new experiences.

So goodbye, Boise, thank you for being kind to me. Berlin, I’ll see you soon.

I used to wonder what it means to have an opinion I call my own. Alot of our perspectives are honed by external factors: our upbringing, what our friends think, the media, and of course, our loved ones. How then, do we organically grow our own perspective, that stays genuine to our authentic self, while being sympathetic to other people’s perspectives?

It is so easily to get riled up sometimes, don’t you agree? Do you ever feel a need to put down someone’s view just to justify your own? Why do we always feel tension when our beliefs or thoughts are being challenged?

The concept of a self identity was foreign to me. I knew, of course, what I liked or disliked. But on many occasions, felt lost because I didn’t know how my preferences were formed. I also didn’t necessarily agree with my likes and dislikes. I found myself wanting to edit them and then also questioning if that was going to make me genuine. Mort Fertel talks about the difference between a self that never changes and a character that changes with age and experiences that our self goes through. The part of me that wants to edit, is what is authentic and acknowledging that means becoming more and more aware of who that self is.

What a strong self is, is to identify our own insecurities, the source of them and to rectify our actions that would stem from them. If someone in our past had once made us feel abandoned, we have to acknowledge that and learn to detach our self worth from that person’s actions. It is knowing that what people think of us is sometimes unrelated to whether we are good enough, but reflective of their own insecurities.

How then to build your own identity? By exposing yourself to experiences and being aware of how you react to them. Then choosing if you like it and adjust accordingly. Everyone can “customize” their identities and that’s the fun part, no? Realizing you can literally be who you want to be. Based on how self aware you are.

Sometimes people tell me they don’t think one can change. But I find that those are excuses, evidence of fear holding them back. If we don’t believe people can change, we limit our chances of growing and changing as people. Every individual has the chance to change to be better. But they first must choose to want that.

I choose to be better as every season passes. Better, not in any material sense, but better in being self aware and stretching the limits of my potential. So I can be of good to people around me, people I love, people I have yet to meet. So that I can live a beautiful life and be a testament to the Grace of God.

Photo credits to Jesus (it’s his real name, not the son of God)

There is a beauty in Mexico that draws you to miss it while you’re still there. I can’t deny this feeling of being at ease. I wasn’t lost as a person, but I feel found. I feel as if I was wandering around aimlessly, and ironically, while traveling around with no plans, now feel more grounded than ever.

There’s so much to this world I want to see. And there’s so much more of me I want to discover.

1. It’s gonna be painful. You can’t avoid it. When you feel it, let yourself feel it. Imagine a tunnel of your feelings. Go through it and not around it. Because we all know going through the tunnel will get you to your goal faster than hiking 5 hours around it. It might make you double over, clench your chest from the ache and it might be hard to breathe or even stand. So breathe in and out, one breath at a time. Walk one step at a time.
2. Eat. You have to eat if not you’re not going to get better. I promise you. If you can’t eat, ask a friend to force you to eat. You need to eat so your mind can clear its thoughts.
3. Cry. I want you to cry it out. If you haven’t already been crying, watch Marley and Me, or any sad movies that would make you cry. And when you feel that uncontrollable urge to cry, you belt it out. You sob hard. You find a room, a beach, a mountain, somewhere and you scream it out.
4. Write your thoughts out. If you feel pain, you write out the word pain. Say it out. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Write or speak your feelings out so they lose their hold on you.
5. Make sure you sleep. If you can’t sleep, drink alcohol. If you don’t drink, take a pill. But only rely on crutches for a week at best and then slowly reduce your dependency on it.
6. No drugs. It’s not a compromise. No. Drugs. You need a clear mind.
7. Pray. This is technically be the first thing you do, but do this when you have strength to. Pray and lament your sorrows to God and I promise you he will be there with an embrace. You will feel him lift you up and be with you. Pray, for God is listening and waiting patiently, for us to run into his arms and be comforted.
8. Have blind faith. I know it feels like this is never ending. This feeling of betrayal, this anger, this sorrow, this sadness, this guilt and shame, this psychotic break where you feel like you don’t know yourself or who you are or who anyone really is. But have blind faith that things will be more than okay, and not in weeks, or even days. In 3 hours things will be better than they are now.
9. Smile every morning. When you wake up, smile to yourself. Look at your body, and be grateful that you have it. Look at the people you love and be grateful they are there. If someone gives you a hug, take it in and smile to your friend for it. Say good morning to your neighbours and people. Even if you don’t feel like smiling, do it anyway. Your body knows how to react that you really feel.