synonymsforjane

It’s July now and Facebook reminds me of how 2 years ago I was in Sri Lanka for a month. Back then, the opportunity to slow travel for a month was so exciting and new to me. SeekSophie gave me such a gift when they picked me to explore Sri Lanka with them for a whole month. Before this trip I had never slow travelled before. I’d never gone on a trip where for the entire trip, the itinerary for the day was just to read, eat, walk and repeat.

July 2019 I’d planned a nice honeymoon for D and I to Sicily, Italy. And I remember meeting people who had quit their lives, moved to their versión of paradise and started small businesses there so they could enjoy their work/lives better. I always wondered why I didn’t consider that to be an option. But then I recall I’d been married to an airforce regular, and obviously, relocating to anywhere else would have had to wait till retirement.

It’s july 2020 and I feel like a different person altogether. I feel like the me I’ve been searching for is slowly inching her way up to surface. It almost feels like I’ve only been living life a certain way because I never dared to dream of an alternative version. I always did what I was told to, I stretched boundaries where I could. I tried to work within the parameters that I was given.

But now…. Now I’m in a completely different courtyard. Where limitations still exist, but in a much more flexible way. This July marks the 7th month of being on the road. Its not just the physical journey that I’m relishing, but the mental and emotional mountains I’m scaling that are challenging and rewarding.

Who knew that things would change so much in just a year?

Lately, my conundrums centre around how I want to live life. If I want to have kids in future? If I were to work, should I go into teaching? Should I do my masters? What about my parents? Will it be hard to find a community wherever I move to? When I start earning money, should I set aside a portion to give to the poorest? If yes, how much? (I’ve been reading alot about effective altruism and I’m very inclined to adopt its mantra)

Nietzsche said “He who has a why to live for, can bear with almost any how”

Recently my reading has brought me to think about letting life show me my purpose. Not asking what the meaning of life is, but asking what life needs of me to fulfil. I know that I have the heart to change things in the world, yet sometimes I feel so small that my actions would be invalid. Sometimes I think about teaching because educating the next generation is one way we can help change happen in the next lifetimes. Things are definitely not super clear to me yet, but “the suffering must happen”. I’m definitely not suffering, but I believe this period of self doubt is crucial in my yearn for growth.

I wonder where I’ll be in July 2021. But I’m ready for what life will ask of me. Next month, I’ll be leaving England finally. I’ll be in Portugal hopefully, and looking forward to the adventures there. Besos everyone x Hasta luego.

I was having a video conversation with my Daddy via WhatsApp. “now I know why you have such big forearms dad”. He worked in construction when he was a teen and he still has those huge forearms to prove it.

“How’s your new workaway? Do you have your own room? What do you eat?” I answer his questions one by one, take him on a virtual tour around the house, room by room, showing him details of the old victorian house – light switches, door knobs, floor boards etc.

After 40 minutes of shallow talk, I tell him a little bit of my plan for the next 2 years. I want to travel for a while more, and be inspired so I can find something I’m passionate in, and then who knows where I’ll be or what I’ll do??

I see my dad’s face sink a little. “2 years??! No lah…. Don’t think so far yet, take it one step at a time” my dad misses me alot and the idea of me not being back in Singapore is putting him in denial that his little girl is leaving the nest for good.

Even after I got married and moved out, he still called me a few times a week, came over to pass me mail, and we would still have family dinners every week. He’s not used to having me out of the country for so long, and I can feel his heart ache, missing me. My mum misses me dearly too, but she doesn’t need me like my dad does.

“why don’t you come home and find a job? Save for a few years first and then go traveling again”

Dad……….

What goals do you think I have? Find a stable job I don’t like, get married (Alr did that once and still have battle scars), and have kids? (can’t even think about this right now) I don’t have goals like most singaporeans do. I don’t have needs for comfort. Maybe I did once, and 27 years in Singapore was amazing…. But plenty enough for now.

All I really want is to learn more about countries, their history, food, cultures and see how people love each other more. I don’t know how I’m going to make a living out of this. Or if I’m eventually gonna have to find work. I want to surround myself with people I don’t know, strangers I can learn from, where they’re from, what they’ve done, how growing up in entirely different countries make them who they are. And daddy, didn’t you raise me to be different, so that I could live a life full of freedom and choice?

He stayed silent for a bit… And then “ya lah… Maybe you’re right. Maybe mummy and I, like you said, are too used to the Singaporean lifestyle, we are also new to this! What you’re trying to do……okay la we meet you in Lombok ya, then we can explore the island together for a month”

At this point, I couldn’t tahan some tears welling up in my eyes. I’m so blessed I have parents like these. My mum said “if I had your life, devoid of burdens, I would fly free too. Fly free, my princess”

My parents have sometimes day dreamed of leaving Singapore to explore the world too. Back in the day, while couples went on one week honeymoons, my mum quit her job so they could go for a one month holiday around Europe. They were poor with little money so to save cost, they would pack food in biscuit tins and eat bread with ham and cheese instead of dining in fancy Parisian restaurants. They would sit on benches in parks, by fountains, have picnics on the beaches, and share sandwiches. Now that they have more spending power, they splurge little on material things but more on experiences – sky diving in Africa, diving in sipadan, hiking in China.

The reason they never left for good was because they want to look after my grandparents who are in their 80s and who looked after my brother and me when we were young. I share their sentiment and understand why they can’t just uproot their lives and move to a villa in Bali to retire instead.

My parents have given me this luxury of living life in this unfashionable manner. And yet I’ve spent the last 3 weeks wondering if I’m a good for nothing. I’ve beaten myself up daily, pushing myself to find a purpose and a calling. I’ve been asking myself again and again, what do you want in life???

But yet all my parents want for me, is to be happy and free. I want to remind myself this life I’m living is an adventure!! and that I should enjoy it for as long as it lasts. One day, I believe, I’ll come to realize what all these experiences can culminate to. And I want to pen down these thoughts to remember the journey. Be present Jane!! Why can’t you quit planning ahead and just be present?! Can you be a little less kiasu?!

I was in a hostel in Prague, talking to Matías, when he shared with me about Workaway. It’s how he got this job at the hostel, bringing guests out to pub crawls, walking tours, hosting game nights and partying with guests in different clubs every night. Tough job eh? In exchange, he gets to lodge in the hostel for free and 2 meals a day taken care of. He also gets to meet hundreds of people a month, travellers from different countries, and exchange stories and experiences.

I googled workaway and signed up immediately for access to the platform. Its USD $42 for a year. If you’re curious about the kind of hosts, you can easily Google Workaway and check the hosts out now. You don’t need to sign up for it to explore. You only need an account to send hosts messages.

Workaway is basically a platform to connect travellers with hosts. A host is anyone who can offer accommodation (and most times meals) to travellers in exchange for some help. What kinda help? It depends. The description of duties would be clearly stated on the host’s listing, along with the kind of sleeping and living arrangement provided. Work is expected to be for 3 to 5 hours a day, 5 days a week.

There’s an app access too once you sign up so it’ll be easy for you to track messages.

I thought it would be difficult to find a host. But I found one within a week, after sending out 5 or 6 messages to hosts in Spain. At that time, I really wanted to go to Andalucía so I searched for a workaway there.

Unfortunately, I got stuck in England even before I could get to Spain, so I had to kiss my South Spain dreams adiós

The good thing was that there were plenty of workaway hosts in UK. I’m now staying in Leicester, working alongside 2 other travellers with our host family.

Questions I can currently think of:

1. Is there a minimum stay period? I would say no but of course, most hosts would request you stay at least a week or sometimes a few weeks, depending on the skill required. This platform encourages a cultural exchange, as well as some form of mutual benefit to both parties. If the job requires teaching of skills, hosts would typically want you to stay a while longer if not it would be tiresome having to retrain people all the time. Then again, some hosts just need help with daily chores so people might come and go as they please.

2. What kind of work will it be? It depends! Could be anything from being a crew on a sailboat, to babysitting, or even just house sitting. My previous workaway required us to babysit and do some light gardening, but this current one involves more manual work like digging holes, building bonfires, sanding bricks etc. I’ve also seen hosts needing help with taking care of huskies in Iceland, horses in Scotland, teaching english in Vietnam. The type of work varies so much, everyone can find something for them.

3. Is there an age limit? Minimum to sign up is 18 but no maximum age. In fact, if you have a browse around the website’s blog you will read about 60 year old doing workaways. Some hosts even prefer taking more experienced travellers because they need their level of skill.

4. Can you travel as a couple or family? Yes to both. You can even sign up as a couple to save costs on membership fees. Just make sure hosts can take in your group size.

5. How do you get confirmed? After setting up an online page, start sending your hosts some messages! There are certain things you can clarify with them first before confirming the job. I usually make sure I know what the job entails, where I would be sleeping, if meals are provided, if they can pick me up from a certain location, timings and hours of the job, nearest supermarket, if I can cook for myself, if there’s fridge space, if there are laundry services, free WiFi, etc. The best way to get personal is to ask if they’re okay to do a video call. That way, you get to virtually meet them and suss their vibe out before you actually commit. Once you do commit, try not to cancel last minute as hosts would have turned down other travellers after confirming you.

6. How do you choose a reliable one? Similar to most apps, they have a feedback section. Read through the feedback section, you can find out more from past travellers. If they have no feedback it might be because they are new hosts. In that case, rely on your savyhood and suss them out during your interactions. If in any case, you get there and don’t like your host, I would usually just make sure I can find cheap stays close to their location JUST IN CASE I need to GTFO immediately.

7. Why do a workaway? It provides you to live out your dreams. If you’ve always wanted to live in a yurt on a mountain, a dog shelter, learn permaculture skills, practice the languages you’ve been learning on Duolingo, sail from Greece to Canary Islands, help restore a 500 year old castle, tend to sheep in New Zealand, learn pottery making……… And yet want to do it cheaply with little commitment time, Workaway is the best way to do it. For long term travellers like me, its a cheap way to travel, but also my preferred way because I get to experience local life and be a part of families, have a home away from home.

8. Why not do a workaway? If you only have a few days and want to have a luxurious holiday, obvi this isn’t the best option. If you don’t like living with strangers, if you’re not open minded, adaptable, friendly, sociable, and basically expect to do as little work as possible, workaway isn’t for you. The best way to enjoy a workaway experience is to throw yourself out of your comfort zone!!

Challenge yourself to go out there, and think positively of your experiences that are to come. I’m so glad I got introduced to workaway, so early on in my travels, so that I didn’t have to waste too much money on hostels and airbnb.

I never thought I could travel for more than 6 months, or even a year. Because I don’t have skills to be a digital nomad. Because of workaway, I can be just a nomad! Haha. I hope this helps all of you dream a little bigger in terms of your traveling plans. Here’s a link to some other questions via the webby. https://www.workaway.info/en/info/faq

Hasta luego, muchachos!

I’m so out of my comfort zone, I think to myself.

I’ve been sanding down bricks for the last 3 hours, and praying for the “dinner” call. Here in this family, they term lunch as dinner and dinner as lunch.

I look over at the fifteen bricks I’ve sanded down in the last 90 minutes and feel a pride surge up. My arms are aching so bad, my nails are non existent, and my work clothes are covered in clay dust. I’ve never done such a job before and I wondered if there was any scenario back in Singapore that would have given me the opportunity to do something like that.

I’m the only girl living here as a workawayer, together with two other guys my age. One is Lee, Brazilian, previously in the military. He’s introverted, loves animals and spends most of his alone time playing computer games. There’s Matias, from Chile, who has a masters in neuroscience and likes to read up on philosophy in his free time.

Then there’s the family. Mark and Caroline, together with their 2 sons, Lance and Miles, and one more Foster son who’s not living in the house at the moment.

After work, I plop down in the big couch and whip out my phone. A Facebook reminder reminds me that our boat wedding was 2 years ago. Memories come flooding by and I can still hear the music ringing in my ears. I can still see the smiles on my friends and family’s faces. Who was that Jane, living that life? I don’t recognise her. And yet, it definitely was me. The me who believed I knew what I wanted life to be like.

I haven’t got a damn clue. But I’m soaking it all in. All these unique experiences I wouldn’t get if I had stayed in my comfortable Singapore.

Mark hands us cans of shandy and we sit together, the 4 of us. He starts telling us the story of how he got to own the estate. The house itself is big, 2 floors, many rooms, and the land is about 4 acres big. He tells us how he used to come by the place on his paper runs, and started helping John, the owner, do odd jobs around the house. Eventually, he moved in to help do more restoration work because the house was in a bad condition. Years pass and John, who never got married, gave the estate to Mark, if only he and his family would look after him in his old age.

Just like that, Mark came to own quite a piece of property! He tells us how he worked for many years to build this place up and that one day, his sons won’t have to do all this work, but that they will reap the benefits.

I like Mark because he’s kind to people. He has a “live and let live” motto and that was probably what earned him this piece of property. Thing is, he never did the work with the intention of owning the house. He just went about his life, doing the work, and being kind to people. His job didn’t define who he is, the way he treats people does.

I realize that we often put a value to people in our lives. Why do we do that? I’m reminded by Mark, it really doesn’t matter how much people earn, what they own, and what they do for a living. It matters how we choose to treat them.

I’m embarrassed by an incident that happened recently. One of the neighbors was watching us work, and staring at us intensely. I smiled and said hi but she only opened her mouth to say “you can’t be piling up dirt here. The council won’t allow it!” I ignore her and keep at my work. The next time I looked up, I saw her taking photos of us work. I couldn’t believe her audacity. An anger washed over me and I snapped at her. “You can’t do that. Take a photo of us. That’s rude! We’re not doing anything wrong. Delete it.” she shook her head and walked away.

We told Mark about this incident and he had a word with her. “hi Margaret, we’re just about done with this pile, and we will be done. I just wanted you to know these lads are with me and they’ll be no trouble at all” she started off complaining again but then mellowed down once Mark kept his cool and friendly demeanor.

The following day, while we were working, Margaret comes over to us, holding a box of freshly baked scones. We figured it was her way of a peace offering and I thanked her.

“live and let live” – mark’s simple and plain motto.

In the day, this motto seems really easy to uphold because I’m having so much fun, and being so free, free from…. Everything back home in Singapore. But sometimes, the dreams come again. And they stand to remind me how much baggage I have yet to overcome. I wish I had stood up better for myself sometimes, but I’m also proud that i stood my ground in being kind to D and his fiance. Is being kind being weak? I don’t know really. I don’t feel weak though, I feel strong.

The days here fly by fast. I’ve been cooking lots of Asian dishes for them. On free days, we open up the summer house, spread out blankets on the grass and bathe in the sun.

I’m thankful for this time in my life, to explore the world and absorb everything it is trying to teach me. I may be confused all the time just about everything, but I know that in time to come, it’s just about making decisions. Sometimes, it’s also just about enjoying life the way it already is. Salud everyone. Enjoy the sun!

It has been 5 months since I left Singapore, and i thought I would miss it more. But frankly, I’m really glad I didn’t rush to go back during the covid call backs because this physical and mental space that I have from loved ones and familiar faces is exactly what I need.

So, even though I think about family everyday, especially my aging grandparents, and I miss them dearly, I’m sticking it out and traveling around the world for as long as I can. Until.

Until what? Until I suddenly have a lightbulb moment and think “okay that’s my life’s purpose”? Until I run out of money? Until I find a new place I wanna live and settle down in?

Who. Knows. The answer is “I don’t know.” but this is also why I’m writing my thoughts down. Because I’m painfully aware that even if you have a job, or you already have kids, or you are about to get married…. Many people still have no clue as to what they want in life. Or what they’re doing, really.

At least for me, I feel as though this question became a default search in my search engine. “what can I use my life for?”

When I left Singapore, it was meant to be for 6 or 7 weeks. I was going through a weird phase in my life involving an ex husband and his current fiancee. Sounds messy? It was 10 times messier than you can imagine. But also quite funny how everything panned out considering everything. Maybe I’ll open up about it in time to come, not the deets but more on divorcing and how people don’t talk enough about it but long story short…..

I left Singapore furiously trying to numb the pain from a pending divorce and found myself in Mexico.

My first week in Mexico, I struggled to get out of bed in the mornings. My good friend Tim, had to drag me out on my first night, tell me to my face “it’s going to get better, Mexico is going to heal you” and you know what! He was so right and more. Him and Carlo shared their room with me in Mexico City, fed me, drank with me, danced with me, and showed me around the city for a few days until I was ready to leave on my own.

The first city I went to sólo, was Guanajuato. I planned to stay 3 nights, and booked a quaint room in an airbnb. It was quiet, peaceful, about 25 mins walking distance from town centre, and everything I needed. I allowed myself time to mope around and cry, call my friends and family for comfort. But when it was time to go out and explore, I put on some music, sang along to the songs, put on some make up and off I went. I walked down the streets and alley ways, got lost and found great eateries and bakeries. I took a funicular to the highest viewpoint and sat for 4 hours just reading, writing, smiling to tourists and letting my mind sit.

Guanajuato was a great start to the trip and it showed me how my mornings could start out horribly wrong. But also how in just a few hours and a good walk later, my afternoons would turn out to be amazing and drastically different. That’s how I went through the first few weeks of my pain. I pushed through it. It was so much easier to stay in Singapore, hide in bed and watch soppy movies all day. But I took a flight to Mexico instead, stared the pain in its face, and said “Im not afraid of you”. The one thing I was determined to do was NOT go around the pain but THROUGH it. And I’m so, proud of myself for that. I’m sorry it took 5 months for me to realise I shouldn’t be shy about this fact. I’m so proud of myself for dragging my ass to Mexico.

It was also in this time, that my friends and family really stood by me to give me the mental and emotional support I needed. I never knew how a call could sound so warm, that I could feel a hug through their voice and in those moments, feel comforted. While i was transiting alone in airports and feeling like “wtf am I doing i can’t do this maybe I should cut the trip short” my friends and family stayed up late on their phones for 2 hours giving me pep talks. “Jane I’m telling you, you’re so strong, you can DO THIS. U GO OUT THERE AND SMASH THIS TRIP” “Jane I promise you, in just a week you’re going to feel better, just breathe”. I’m also absolutely thankful to have parents like my mum and dad. Most parents would have lost their minds with a kid like me. But my parents instead, said “if we could fly out to find you, we would be on this adventure with you 100%”. Without my troop, I would have already lost the first battle.

Later on while I moved around in Mexico, I met so many amazing travellers and got thrown into a fast track management program but one that was for the job of Life. I met an a Australian who has been traveling around the world for 12 years , and finally found home in Mexico where she runs a cafe in a hostel and cuts hair for people just for fun. I met countless of others who decided that their home countries just wasn’t exciting and liberating enough for them to explore their talents. For some, it was also because their home countries weren’t safe and stable like Singapore. To them, the world provided opportunities for business, an endless source of inspiration, people to connect with, and THAT idea connected with me.

So I told my mum that I was delaying my return to Singapore, and booked flights to Berlin, Paris and the UK. My plan was… No plan really. I had a few friends in these places I knew I could stay with. And my search was and is really, just for inspiration and new experiences.

Covid later on, took the decision making burden out of my hands. Instead of going to Spain for a workaway, I ended up finding one in the UK. Workaway is a platform where travellers can stay with hosts (for free) for short or long periods of time depending on the job. We do 5 hours of work a day for 5 days a week in exchange for that accommodation (and most times at least 1 meal a day) and get 2 days off. The idea is that a cultural exchange takes place while both parties benefit mutually. The type of hosts varies from farm owners, to hostels, and can also be people building their own houses or running their own resorts.

Anyway, the idea of doing a workaway wasn’t really daunting at all. But I guess I want to start sharing my travel experiences since my friends and family have been telling me to. Ive also realized that it’s absurb to some singaporeans that I’m doing this.

The idea of an NUS graduate, with a good head on her shoulders, choosing not to get a job or an advancement in a career… But instead, traipse around the world with little to no plan of how to “save for a future” is absolutely ridiculous. Rebonkulous. Strange. Bewildering. Confusing.

Well, this is me now, inviting you into my world of strangeness. So that anyone who’s interest I’ve piqued can either live vicariously through me, want to show their kids how not to be me, or be inspired to start their own journeys, however small or big they are.

I’m currently in Leicester, living in a house that’s 150 years old. There are altogether 9 of us humans, 3 dogs, 3 puppies, 4 fowls, 100 odd pigeons, 2 pigs, 1 horse and wild foxes and badgers that come and go. With quite a bit of land to take care of, and some restoration work to do in the house, I’ll be here for a few months, and will share whatever I think of that might be interesting or cool.

I’m 28, coming out of a marriage, haven’t got alot of savings. Before I left Singapore, all I had on my CV was 3 years of working in an insurance company, 2 years of doing various part time jobs such as teaching kids how to swim, bartending, giving tuition, and working in a hostel. Am I making a mistake by abandoning prospects of finding a good and “stable” job? Who knows. Will I heed the advice of my relatives and stick to a 9 to 5 even though I wouldn’t like it, just so I can build up my CPF? Absolutely not.

People ask if I know what I want to do in life. Yes…. I have an idea of what would be a dream goal. I don’t know the steps to it, and also, if I ever will get there. But I do know that for now, my path lies outside of Singapore.

So there……as my JC friends nicely put it, I guess for the foreseeable future, Jane will be a Jypsy. A wandering traveller, in search of something. Come along on the journey if you’d like a bit of story telling. I’ll be as authentic as I can, and share with you the good and the bad. Adiós for now. Stay strange in these strange times.

I’ve jumped on the bandwagon of meditating and I’m pinching myself for not having started earlier. My mind is used to taking new concepts and thinking “okay now I have to make this a routine so I can get good at it” but in the process of reinventing myself, I’m allowing genuine interest to take control of when I do or not do something. Naturally, my focus goes to things I’m good at – Spanish class, sketching followed by meditation.

But I’d like to expand on what learning about meditation has taught me. The meditation technique I use is not the kind that teaches you to empty your mind, it also isn’t transcendental meditation (TM) because I couldn’t be bothered to find a certified mentor to help me. My friend introduced me to a form of meditation that basically just focuses on using breath to feed the “monkey mind” while training your mind to be aware of thoughts, not resist them.

https://youtu.be/lt9OcLynjwE

The link above would help with information on the technique.

While meditating, a thought came to my mind. That this could apply to alot of things that we do in our daily lives too. It also reminded me of a book I once read that talked about putting down our utensils after each mouthful of food, so that we can savour what we’re eating, and taste the different textures and flavours of the ingredients.

Just like we would give our 100% to a concert we’re watching, or a movie, something as simple as eating also requires our 100% focus and attention, so we don’t lose an opportunity to take joy in something as privileged as a well balanced meal. It’s ironic that we would pay $300 for our senses to be overwhelmed in a concert, when we can pay $3 and equally indulge in the senses we arouse while enjoying a meal.

I remember how I used to multitask all the time. Texting while walking, eating while reading, constantly finding ways to save time and make my life more “efficient”. But I never learnt the art of savouring time. What was I saving all the time for, when I wasn’t using it on improving myself or expanding my knowledge on things? The minutes I saved, I didn’t spend on sleeping more, or reading more.

The next time we eat, we shouldn’t pair it with a Netflix movie, or be checking on social media. Maybe for just one meal a day, we can start by just taking a bite, putting down our utensils instead of prepping for the next, and then just….. Eat.

My uncle used to sit my cousins and I down and make us chew 30 times before we swallowed our food. His point was to get us to digest our food better but I think he was on to something! Something as simple as taking time to chew, something everyone can do, would benefit us in the same way as meditation does.

When we focus on things we are currently doing, on one singular event, perhaps we will then allow other thoughts to come to us freely. If we are eating, we eat. If we are walking to somewhere, we focus on walking and maybe enjoying the view around us while we do it. And just like when we meditate, we focus on our breathing and let thoughts freely come and go, so we create space to allow inspiration to flow through our minds.

I like this life I’m living now. I can feel my thoughts expanding in range and in perspective. I think differently, more acutely and more freely. I’m excited for the days to come.

I wake up from a stupid nightmare and I’m so angry. Angry with myself for still not moving on as fast as I want to. My thoughts lie with me for the next half an hour as I half heartedly try to fall back asleep.

I try to pinpoint the emotions that I feel, and I have to separate them out because they don’t come singularly but as a crowd of demanding feelings. Some throb hard and angrily while others sit quietly, but they’re all there, interwoven amongst each other.

There are so many Whys, What Ifs and Buts. And I’m sick of it all. I’m tired of running threads through my mind. And maybe I should stop actively doing that. Maybe I should instead actively steer my mind towards focusing on bettering me. I should sketch, or meditate, or read, or write, or eat. But some days, my thoughts just occupy the whole room, and I can only find a single spot on the ceiling to come up for air, a single moment of peace before the pressure of memories come swarming back up my throat again.

Some days are just tougher than others. And I’m so sick of it.

I’m squatting over in the small downstairs toilet, furiously scrubbing black stains off a pair of pink crocs. It’s a mindless job, and quite honestly a futile one, seeing that Eva is just going to jump in the next puddle of mud as soon as we go for a walk. Still, I want to do my job well and I scrub, scrub and scrub.

When I’m done, I move on to the next pair of shoes. Winter boots. The kind with fur inside and a bunny with ears that shoot out of the boots. As I hold them in my palms, I remember Dorota saying that she wanted to sell them. They were hand me downs from rich neighbors who couldn’t be bothered to donate them elsewhere, and discarded them outside their double-doored entrance, on their driveway, with a sign that said “For Free”. The boots were in a huge box with many other toys, and even a bicycle, one they probably discarded away because it got too small for their son. Dorota took the whole box home, together with the bicycle, and now I’m left with the task of cleaning them before they’re sold off in a garage sale.

I looked at the bunny boots and wondered where they would end up. Would they move through different families, on different pairs of feet for years to come? Or would they end up in a pile of trash, ready to be incinerated, in a matter of months? How many pairs of bunny boots are circulating in this world of consumerism?

We buy and buy and buy so much. We consume what the conglomerates want us to want, not what we need, and we participate in the death of humanity and the environment as silent users. Suddenly, I’m awaken to the darkness of capitalism, more so than I ever have been.

I started to remember the many times I went out shopping for a new dress. Just because I could. I started to recall the thousands of dollars I spent in bars and restaurants, just to feel like I had a great night out. That person feels so different…….from who I feel like now.

I always pride myself for not being materialistic, but in a way I was still trapped in the senseless pursuit of “material happiness”.

My life these few months have been so liberating and inspired. Although I live out of a suitcase, I’ve never felt more alive, and aware of every thought and action.

I’m living the life I dreamt of, not in a ‘oh I wish my life were like this’ , but more of a ‘what if I had made certain decisions that led to this life’ kinda way. And I’m beginning to feel like this is only the tip of the iceberg.

We’re all trapped in this world of capitalism. And one can hardly do a thing to escape it. It lurks around every corner, hell, it’s right in your face most of the time. But we’ve come to get so used to it, that it doesn’t look like a freak as much a familiar.

What role can I play in this world? What purpose can I elect for myself?

I don’t count this as starting over. A friend said to me that day “if you want to start moving on, you can’t keep writing about the past, write about your future”.

The near future I see myself in, is me trekking in the jungle of Borneo, looking for wild Orang Utans, spending 2 months in Brazil learning how to kite surf, practising my Spanish while I traipse across South America, and going on a culinary escapade through Asia. I want to take in all the hustle and bustle of the cities whose names I haven’t heard of before, and spend countless of hours on beaches watching sunsets.

I want to laugh with toothless elderly in Sri Lanka, and learn from the graceful Japanese how to make sake. I want to visit orphanages and social enterprises in third world countries, and be inspired by how they change their communities from the ground up. I want to help paint the child care centres that the women in Mexico are opening, so that they empower mothers by giving them time to go for further studies and work.

I want to eventually find places where I find special meaning in, and help start different businesses so that I can help make my mark there.

I feel like I’ve been trying to live a life that wasn’t entirely mine for the last 10 years. The fact that I lived it well doesn’t take away the feeling that I had what someone else wanted. I couldn’t feel accomplished because I was accomplishing what I didn’t necessarily want.

What do I want? That’s the big question isn’t it. Turning 28 is scary because I thought I would have had certain things by this time. And I did, for a few years. I had such a sure future ahead of me. And overnight, that was ruined. I don’t want to say that it wasn’t my dream life, because I feel like I could have been happy with that life too.

But I’m also choosing to see this as an opportunity to be carried with the tide. I’m allowing the events that have unfolded, completely out of my control, to finally put me out of control. I’m embracing this uncertain life, and feeling this excitement grow. That possibilities are abound, and that literally anything can happen.

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