synonymsforjane

It’s the 25th of February. I should have already been in Singapore for 2 weeks by now. And yet I find myself in a catedral atop of some hill overlooking a river that would have been much more beautiful in summer or spring. The upside for coming here in winter is less tourists and more peace.

I need peace. But peace also feels like the wrong thing to want. To feel peace now would be arbitrary because what I need is to feel the chaos in my mind, to see it…. And navigate through it.

It is not difficult to understand why I need to descend into a completely different environment surrounded by unfamiliar tongues and foreign faces. Even though I’m probably less than 24 hours from Singapore, my mind is galaxies away from reality.

I need to be somewhere I’m truly alone, where I can’t find a friend who could come meet me in an hour. Where no one knows me or expects things from me. Ironically, I am choosing to stay away from everyone because I can’t be distracted. By work, by the comfort of friends, by the glances of people who are desperately trying to make me feel better. I don’t want to feel okay when I shouldn’t. I’m aware of the strong defence mechanism I have, and I’m afraid of how fast it would build walls and force my emotions into a box and bury it deep.

How can I grapple with it? How can I be okay? I say this because I feel okay but I don’t understand how I can feel this way. I didn’t just watch my ex husband walk away from our marriage, I saw and felt the pain of him crumbling within himself as he broke down in tears before me. His guilt and shame is something only I can understand because I’ve been his best friend for the last 3 years. What he’s done is not just an injustice to our marriage and me, it’s destroying what he knows of himself. I cannot help but carry his burden along with mine. I’m careful not to allow the toxicity of the situation seep into my process of healing but I also want to stay true to myself. Its a confusing situation.

When time and space throws you in a parallel universe, one that you have barely even entered, you can’t begin to understand what reality is.

In a parallel universe, D and I are sitting in our living room, with our cats, having dinner with some drinks. We’re watching Brooklyn 99, talking about his work, my day, snuggling on the couch that’s long due for some cleaning.

In my current reality, I sit in a garden with 4 statues surrounding me, while I feel the 6 degrees wind slowly freeze up my face, numbing my senses. People dressed warmly from top to toe walk around, coffees in hands, most of them walking a dog or four.

Is any one of them more right or destined than the other? I can’t believe that.

Whatever happens, happens.

And a sort of surrender to the future events that will unfold brings me peace. This roller coaster journey has been giving me so many insights my own mind. I’m getting to know myself in such a raw and deeper level.

I’m more aware now, of many things I would like to work on. Its been painfully brought to my attention how the experiences I have gone through in the past, dating back a decade ago, still hold power over my thoughts and my ability to make decisions, free of their influence. I’m choosing to learn how to break away from the shackles of the pain I felt years ago, and sometimes that means digging deep. Spending the time and going through space to encounter with all that restricts me in my growth.

To my friends who miss me back home and have been sending me love and warmth, know that I keep you in my heart always and am thinking of you. To people who have been reaching out to me and telling me I’ve been strong, I’m honoured to hear all of your stories. It’s a truly beautiful thing that when people relate to each other’s pain, they reach out to connect in ways that would uplift each other. That’s all we need to do sometimes, to listen, connect and send hugs to people who need them.

While most people travel for a holiday, a respite from work, I was traveling in Mexico in escape of a horrible reality I was dealt with. So Mexico really, was more of an oasis in a desert for me, and I took it in with so much gratitude and respect that I might sound biased when I say this – everyone needs to go to Mexico at least once in your life.

Its not enough that Mexico has something for every kind of traveller – the adventurous hiker/diver, the hippy wanderer, the adrenaline chaser, the luxury traveller, the food gastronomer or even just a want-it-all tourist, Mexico also has the best kind of people to provide these experiences for you.

Though it is mainly a Spanish speaking country, I got by mostly using Google translate and also very basic hand signals that served their purpose well. You’d be surprised with how little you need words when you’re in an environment full of nice, warm and helpful people. In the cities however, service staff do know English so really it is when you venture out that I would recommend memorising some handy phrases starting with “Tu hablas ingles” which means (do you speak English)

Expenses in Mexico are far more affordable than in Singapore or even KL, what I would spend in a week in Singapore could easily last me 3 weeks in Mexico. Here is the cost of the general expenses:

A beer =25 pesos 3 tacos =anywhere between 10 pesos (streetside) to 50 pesos (restaurant) hostel stay = 150 to 200 pesos or less per night Shots in a bar = 50 to 80 pesos depending A meal in a restaurant = typically 80 to 150 pesos depending

Some things to note, most public toilets in Mexico are not free. You’d have to pay 30 to 50 pesos for entry. So use the bathrooms at your accommodation and restaurants as much as possible. Bus companies are very professional and comfortable, offering free WiFi and even a snack, but they can be way more expensive than flights sometimes, or even if you hitch a ride via the Blablacar app. Blablacar basically is like uber pool but it’s between cities. I took a ride from Mexico City to Guanajuato (4 hour journey) and it cost me 350 pesos, on the way back I took a bus that cost me 660 pesos so hitching a ride saves you much more.

To answer the age old question of whether mexico is dangerous, I can only say that from my own experience, I didn’t once feel like I was in danger or that I was going to get robbed. Having said that, the locals here would also remind you to take smart precautions like avoiding dark alleys, walking alone after dark, always strapping your bags across, not wearing too flashy things etc. I’ve felt more threatened in certain cities in the US and Malaysia than I did in the cities in Mexico.

The food in Mexico fed my soul and was hearty, delicious and homely. If you’re sick of paying so much for tacos in Singapore….get ready….

It took me a few months to realize this. But this is my second chance at living life differently! I never wanted to stay in Singapore. I never wanted to be a military wife, I never wanted to settle for less than enough. But I gave up alot of what I wanted for family.

Its interesting how life has turned out. The event that brought me the most pain thus far in life is now also the one that has freed me.

At 28, I now have this liberty to dream of doing anything I want. Its almost too good to be true but then it is!!

Thinking back on the past, I’ve definitely made certain decisions out of spontaneity and I don’t regret any of them. Just because certain decisions have led to less than likely outcomes doesn’t mean they shouldn’t have happened. Every event teaches us a lesson we had to.

Some people ask if I regret marrying my ex. And I can’t lie and say I don’t have those days. But just because things ended in this way doesn’t mean they were all a lie. When we were together, all the moments we shared were real. They were genuine. They were heartfelt. They’re also, over. I don’t see our marriage as a failure, and he will still be an important person in my life. So really, us separating is a chance for me to live my life in a completely different way.

One that I could only dream of. Friends who know me will probably vouch for how free spirited I am. And traveling for these few months has renewed a child-like passion in me, for the world out there. I have come across so many people who have shared their stories with me. There is so much I want to do… To feel… To touch…. To create.

I am beyond excited for this second chance in life!!!! And I can’t wait to see what’s in store for me. 🙂

My journey has been taking me through a little of Berlin, Paris, and I’m going to be in the UK and Spain next. For everyone of you who have reached out to say kind words and offer hugs, thank you. I am so grateful for your love and I carry your well wishes with me everyday.

I hope to see as many of you as I can when I’m back. But it will be awhile before then, so 😚😚😚😚😚😚 I miss all of you back home. See you soon.

When I left for Mexico, I was a broken shell of a person I used to be. Day by day, I rediscovered pieces of myself and even found new sides of me I never knew of. With every new place I visited, and every new friend I made, I became stronger and more confident of this new Jane I was becoming.

Mexico turned out to be extremely easy to travel around, and just like any other country, they have found ways to work around the loose laws and still make tourism work despite everyone’s view of it being dangerous. Most Singaporeans think of Mexico as scenes out of Narcos or Money Heist. I’m sure these events do occur but I was never once made to feel afraid. I did see a dead body once, but thankfully it wasn’t gory and I’m sure I’ve seen more dead bodies in traffic accidents in Singapore anyway.

If you practice wise traveling habits, you can go anywhere with a heart full of wonder and a desire to learn and absorb the beauty around every corner.

What lies there might just surprise you.

Goodbyes though, are what tugs at your heart strings. You meet a bunch of people, form genuine connections, travel together and make long lasting memories. And then paths diverge and people start saying their goodbyes.

I’m not great at goodbyes. And I choose never to get used to it. But goodbyes are a part of the journey, and every goodbye leads to new experiences.

So goodbye, Boise, thank you for being kind to me. Berlin, I’ll see you soon.

I used to wonder what it means to have an opinion I call my own. Alot of our perspectives are honed by external factors: our upbringing, what our friends think, the media, and of course, our loved ones. How then, do we organically grow our own perspective, that stays genuine to our authentic self, while being sympathetic to other people’s perspectives?

It is so easily to get riled up sometimes, don’t you agree? Do you ever feel a need to put down someone’s view just to justify your own? Why do we always feel tension when our beliefs or thoughts are being challenged?

The concept of a self identity was foreign to me. I knew, of course, what I liked or disliked. But on many occasions, felt lost because I didn’t know how my preferences were formed. I also didn’t necessarily agree with my likes and dislikes. I found myself wanting to edit them and then also questioning if that was going to make me genuine. Mort Fertel talks about the difference between a self that never changes and a character that changes with age and experiences that our self goes through. The part of me that wants to edit, is what is authentic and acknowledging that means becoming more and more aware of who that self is.

What a strong self is, is to identify our own insecurities, the source of them and to rectify our actions that would stem from them. If someone in our past had once made us feel abandoned, we have to acknowledge that and learn to detach our self worth from that person’s actions. It is knowing that what people think of us is sometimes unrelated to whether we are good enough, but reflective of their own insecurities.

How then to build your own identity? By exposing yourself to experiences and being aware of how you react to them. Then choosing if you like it and adjust accordingly. Everyone can “customize” their identities and that’s the fun part, no? Realizing you can literally be who you want to be. Based on how self aware you are.

Sometimes people tell me they don’t think one can change. But I find that those are excuses, evidence of fear holding them back. If we don’t believe people can change, we limit our chances of growing and changing as people. Every individual has the chance to change to be better. But they first must choose to want that.

I choose to be better as every season passes. Better, not in any material sense, but better in being self aware and stretching the limits of my potential. So I can be of good to people around me, people I love, people I have yet to meet. So that I can live a beautiful life and be a testament to the Grace of God.

Photo credits to Jesus (it’s his real name, not the son of God)

There is a beauty in Mexico that draws you to miss it while you’re still there. I can’t deny this feeling of being at ease. I wasn’t lost as a person, but I feel found. I feel as if I was wandering around aimlessly, and ironically, while traveling around with no plans, now feel more grounded than ever.

There’s so much to this world I want to see. And there’s so much more of me I want to discover.

1. It’s gonna be painful. You can’t avoid it. When you feel it, let yourself feel it. Imagine a tunnel of your feelings. Go through it and not around it. Because we all know going through the tunnel will get you to your goal faster than hiking 5 hours around it. It might make you double over, clench your chest from the ache and it might be hard to breathe or even stand. So breathe in and out, one breath at a time. Walk one step at a time.
2. Eat. You have to eat if not you’re not going to get better. I promise you. If you can’t eat, ask a friend to force you to eat. You need to eat so your mind can clear its thoughts.
3. Cry. I want you to cry it out. If you haven’t already been crying, watch Marley and Me, or any sad movies that would make you cry. And when you feel that uncontrollable urge to cry, you belt it out. You sob hard. You find a room, a beach, a mountain, somewhere and you scream it out.
4. Write your thoughts out. If you feel pain, you write out the word pain. Say it out. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Write or speak your feelings out so they lose their hold on you.
5. Make sure you sleep. If you can’t sleep, drink alcohol. If you don’t drink, take a pill. But only rely on crutches for a week at best and then slowly reduce your dependency on it.
6. No drugs. It’s not a compromise. No. Drugs. You need a clear mind.
7. Pray. This is technically be the first thing you do, but do this when you have strength to. Pray and lament your sorrows to God and I promise you he will be there with an embrace. You will feel him lift you up and be with you. Pray, for God is listening and waiting patiently, for us to run into his arms and be comforted.
8. Have blind faith. I know it feels like this is never ending. This feeling of betrayal, this anger, this sorrow, this sadness, this guilt and shame, this psychotic break where you feel like you don’t know yourself or who you are or who anyone really is. But have blind faith that things will be more than okay, and not in weeks, or even days. In 3 hours things will be better than they are now.
9. Smile every morning. When you wake up, smile to yourself. Look at your body, and be grateful that you have it. Look at the people you love and be grateful they are there. If someone gives you a hug, take it in and smile to your friend for it. Say good morning to your neighbours and people. Even if you don’t feel like smiling, do it anyway. Your body knows how to react that you really feel.

It’s the 5th of February, a Wednesday morning. I’m holding a warm cup of coffee to heat up my palms, wrapped in a thin bed sheet, sitting beside three Germans and a Spaniard. None of us are talking, but the silence between us sits comfortably as we watch the orange and pink hues of the sun rise. The sun has not yet peeked but its glow has already cast shadows off the turtle sanctuary that lies ahead of us. A soft breeze carries the scent of the ocean, past my face and I struggle to think that just 4 weeks ago, I discovered some messages on my husband’s phone that would change the course of my life drastically. During the 4 short weeks, I have been pushed down a roller-coaster ride, over and over again, against my will. I had never been more enslaved to my emotions, and yet I have never had such clarity in my reflections as well. Life is funny this way, it often brings lessons to us, in directly contrasting ways. It brings you to the deepest depths of pain, and then it throws you up in sensational euphoria. So the harder you fall, the stronger you become. When you face any situation, pray that you go down deeper, and not lesser, for a bigger lesson waits for those who appreciate the intense difficulties that await us.

After 20 minutes, Gwenn spotted two men along the coast, pouring out what looked like sand into the beach, close to the water. We ran to the beach and saw that they were baby turtles being released into the sea. There must have been a few hundred of them. We watched patiently as they crawled towards the water. I wondered about the instinct they had in them. That basic animal instinct to go towards a vast unknown and face innumerable factors of risk. Some say few out of thousands survive past the first few days of being out at sea, and yet on this beach right now, every single turtle we were watching, had a fighting chance.

A flashback hit me while we were walking back to the hostel. I’ve realized, it is in moments of familiarity, when your mind lets down its guard and toxic thoughts squeeze their way into your consciousness. A picture on Instagram of the two of them celebrating Christmas together in Mountain home, in the apartment that I helped him set up. Another picture of them in our house in Singapore, probably in our marital bed, where hours were poured into building up a home. A picture of her posing with her engagement ring……….the memory of my dad crying in my study room because his heart is breaking….

Stop.

I demanded my thoughts to hit pause and looked up at my surroundings. ” I see the ocean, a porch with hammocks, I see my friends ahead of me, I am 10 steps behind of them, we are about to start our day.” I used my vision to replace the toxic memories, and reminded myself that things are out of my control and that the only things I can influence is how I allow them to affect me. Do I give in to the anger and the betrayal that my heart sorely feels? Or do I remember the big picture and hold on to what my authentic self would want me to do, which is eventually to forgive and embrace D for his actions. Both. I give myself 5 minutes to feel nasty and let the anger grow in my chest, and it starts feeling so uncomfortable that less than 2 minutes later, my mind becomes bored of the anger and chooses to think of preparing for breakfast instead.

This is how we control our thoughts instead of letting them control us.

But really it’s also about letting go of control.

If you were caught in an undercurrent, and you try your best to paddle towards the shore, that is when you will drown. But if you start to relax, and allow the waves to naturally move you towards it, while guiding yourself there, that’s when you survive.

Letting go of control is difficult. So we do what we know, which is to try and try and try again.

Just like any new skill that takes a good amount of practice to become second nature, letting go is a skill we need to master over time.

别 堆 砌 怀 念 让 剧 情 变 得 狗 血
深 爱 了 多 年 又 何 必 毁 了 经 典
都 已 成 年 不 拖 不 欠
浪 费 时 间 是 我 情 愿
像 谢 幕 的 演 员
眼 看 着 灯 光 熄 灭
来 不 及 再 轰 轰 烈 烈
就 保 留 告 别 的 尊 严
我 爱 你 不 后 悔
也 尊 重 故 事 结 尾
分 手 应 该 体 面
谁 都 不 要 说 抱 歉
何 来 亏 欠
我 敢 给 就 敢 心 碎
镜 头 前 面 是
从 前 的 我 们 在 喝 彩
流 着 泪 声 嘶 力 竭
离 开 也 很 体 面
才 没 辜 负 这 些 年
爱 得 热 烈
认 真 付 出 的 画 面
别 让 执 念 毁 掉 了 昨 天
我 爱 过 你 利 落 干 脆
最 熟 悉 的 街 主 角 却 换 了 人 演
我 哭 到 哽 咽
心 再 痛 就 当 破 茧
来 不 及 再 轰 轰 烈 烈
就 保 留 告 别 的 尊 严
我 爱 你 不 后 悔
也 尊 重 故 事 结 尾
分 手 应 该 体 面
谁 都 不 要 说 抱 歉
何 来 亏 欠
我 敢 给 就 敢 心 碎
镜 头 前 面 是
从 前 的 我 们 在 喝 彩
流 着 泪 声 嘶 力 竭
离 开 也 很 体 面
才 没 辜 负 这 些 年 爱 得 热 烈
认 真 付 出 的 画 面
别 让 执 念 毁 掉 了 昨 天
我 爱 过 你 利 落 干 脆
再 见 不 负 遇 见