synonymsforjane

It didn’t hit me when I was packing my bags. It didn’t hit me while I was saying goodbye to friends and family. It didn’t even hit me during the 13-hour flight from Singapore to Amsterdam.

It probably hit me for the first time…….In the toilet stalls of Amsterdam – when I made an amusing observation of the many number of pegs put up for people to hang more bags/cloaks.

That I’m leaving. For an indefinite amount of time. I don’t think I ever allowed myself to dream of this as my reality. But the moment I did…….. It set me free. It allowed me to think of the many things I can be and the versions of myself I want to explore.

In August, I was still wrapping my head around getting divorced, not even ready to worry about the future. I was at times having the time of my life, but unable to fully enjoy it because I was still a little sad about the divorce. I have to tell you the truth right? It was just December 2019 that life threw a major curveball at me – there was little possibility I could have closure within 9 months.

In December 2020, I arrived back in Singapore, a few days before the end of the year. Still giddy from the year long backpacking experience. Still unsure of what I’m gonna do for 2021.

The day after I finished SHN – I signed the divorce papers and started massively clearing clutter out of my house. It meant revisiting alot of the past. I looked at many material things I owned and couldn’t help but judge myself. Why did I need 8 pairs of ‘going out’ shoes, 4 pairs of heels I never wore, and 5 pairs of slippers????

Also, how am i divorced?? How did I ever get married when the me NOW, isn’t even ready to be married?? Hahaha….(nervous laughter)

Sometimes I feel that the last 7 years of my life – after graduating from uni, was me playing ‘Family’ in kindergarten.

Does anyone remember being a Kindergarten kid, playing this game where you and your three friends run around holding hands, taking on ‘Daddy’, ‘Mummy’, sibling roles??

“Okay now you Darren must hold hands because daddy mummy will hold hands one”

“Okay now you sleep finish already, wake up and make breakfast for me and korkor”

Very much like Kindergarten, I think I tried too hard to pretend to be “an adult”.

Why? No idea.

No idea is my favourite answer to myself for many questions I plague my mind with.

No idea landed me this great remote job I have now, because I kept doors open until something I’m passionate about came along.

I now spend about 7 to 8 hours a day working for a start up that I believe in – contributing and pouring out my heart into building something I feel will bring real value to people. My bosses let me work remotely, even from Croatia, and better yet, allow me to work Croatian time 7am to 4pm.

Could I have imagined this job existed if I had made exact plans for it? I don’t know. Maybe. But I’d like to think that “No idea” was the culprit behind this. That because I opened my mind to the possibilities of life, life happened.

It brings me to my greatest lesson of 2020.

Control what you can, and focus on what you want RIGHT NOW – not tomorrow, not yesterday, but right now.

If I don’t know whether I want to be married in 3 years, I don’t think about it.

If I don’t know whether to have kids at all in future, I don’t think about it.

Of course, with certain things, it’s always nice to plan ahead for, like retirement income and whether or not to buy a pair of shoes on sale.

But I no longer want to operate on a FOMO mode. I don’t want to over worry about things in the future, if I have no control over them right now. I want to be content with what I have at the moment and to really seek what purpose in life can look like to me. I’m learning how to listen to what I really want. Something this simple….. Took me 28 years and a divorce to learn.

I don’t know how sustainable this lifestyle can be for me. I’m officially a digital nomad so having this job allows me to move around countries and work remotely. It’s a great position to be in, and I’m glad I have passion for the work we’re doing.

Do i miss my friends and family. Every single day…..sometimes I wish I could teleport to them.

😦

Still, I’m very excited for life here in Croatia. I’m completely in my element (being on the road). I think better, I feel clearer, and I smile wider.

Till the next time, adiosssss ciao ciao everyone

Yesterday I had a conversation with someone really close to me. And as I was trying to explain how I’ve been feeling recently, he said certain things that suddenly triggered some tears.

These few weeks, I couldn’t put my finger on why I felt a particular sadness. Perhaps not sadness, but a feeling of nostalgia.

I’ve enjoyed so much… Just spending time with my friends and family.

There have been moments where all time stands still, and I quietly take in the sights of them laughing, watch them glance at each other in love. I take one of their hands and grip it a little tighter. I sit back and I soak in these moments, trying to freeze them in time, and sear them into memory.

I think making a conscious decision to leave, and pursue the life I want, for the person I want to be, will inevitably put some distance between me and my loved ones. I know that bonds like these don’t break.

I know the friendships I have will withstand time and space. I know my family will always be there for me, as I’m always gonna be here for them. But can I really be? For every time they need me? For every small argument I can possible mediate? For every small achievement they celebrate together? I can’t help but feel sad already, for the moments I’m going to miss.

Still, I’m really happy I’m observing this moment. Because it’s that feeling you get before you leap off a cliff that really makes you feel alive, it’s in that moment of hesitation that tests your will. To jump or not to jump?

I’m jumping. Head first, feet later.

I haven’t been able to hear my thoughts well for the past month. I feel a strange disconnect between my mind and my body. It’s almost as if I can see my daily interactions with people from a third person’s point of view, and I recognize how distant I feel.

“I don’t want to be here” was what I kept repeating to close friends who asked if i was enjoying myself back home.

But why?

Life is good. I started a job in a tech start up, with a good boss and great colleagues.

I’ve been meeting up with friends and family whom i’ve missed so much. Yet, there is a feeling of transition that makes me feel restless. I liken it to waiting for a train at a busy train station. You know where you’re going to, and all the stops you have to make before that. Even if the stops themselves bring you to great places and you see amazing views, you’re still waiting to get to your destination.

What is my destination? “Anywhere but Singapore”

Why? I observe my thoughts and my obvious disdain for being back home but I cannot pinpoint what it is.

Perhaps it’s because I’m too familiar with people and surroundings here. Perhaps I miss life on the road, where every tree seems more tall and fascinating, every body of water more inviting. Perhaps it’s my eagerness to shed ‘old skin’ and create a new life ahead.

Then I realize, that this is an old habit of mine. Not being able to live in the present, and only making plans to enjoy the future. I remind myself to stay still. To meditate in the pockets of silence I find between waking up and rushing around all the way till I hit the sack. I remind myself that life can be consisted of moments as fleeting or as frozen as I want them to be. I only have to stay still – and be in control of my thoughts and my breath.

I choose to change my perspective of things now.

I choose to be grateful for being able to go out in the sun everyday – to swim, to run, to walk in the never ending summer of Singapore. I choose to hold every friend I meet a little tighter, and smile a little wider at strangers who will think I’m odd. I choose to appreciate how I can be at my family’s place in under an hour, and see my cousins, aunties, uncles and niece anytime we arrange to.

I choose to stay in these moments, that will pass us by as quickly as the next heartbeat.

It’s not easy – this thing of living in the present.

As all best trips start out, this one was completely spontaneous.

It didn’t take much for me to say yes to it. I had heard such great things about the island and the company going was even better. Together with 4 companions, I packed a bag of clothes and 0 expectations.

To get to the island itself was already an adventure. After 3 communal transports, a boat ride, and a 20 minute walk later, we arrived at our guesthouse.

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Life on Chacahua was quiet and tranquil. In the early mornings, we woke up for the sunrise, and watched turtle hatchlings crawl their way to the ocean. Most of them don’t ever make it past their first day, but in this moment, every one of them is fighting for their chance to survive.

The village is sleepy and happy. We ate good home made food cooked by our host and took long walks along the beach. It was a few days of letting our minds rest. The constant breeze across the island made napping very easy on any of the many hammocks around.

I asked myself why Chacahua left such a significant mark in my travel memories. I think it was the combination of being detached from the world and the people we met there.

There was almost no signal on the island so we left our phones in our rooms and were freed to let our minds explore along with our eyes. With space created in our minds, I came to quite a few revelations on that island. Including the fact that I am indeed a free spirit. I don’t know why I always denied being one.

In Singapore, having no concrete career goals and no “hard skills”, I often felt like a failure. It was incredibly hard to feel like one especially when I had good academic results and often achieved awards while growing up. At 12, I was a UN youth ambassador for Singapore and by 16, had represented Singapore for multiple conferences overseas. You get used to people telling you “you’re going to grow up and become someone” and then realise there’s no one to teach you how to become someone.

I remember meeting an Australian girl, younger than me by a few years. She had yet to attend university but had already spent about six months traveling around Europe. She spoke fluent Spanish and just exuded peace. She smiled with her eyes and listened to people intently when they were speaking. She had a beer belly but walked around with a bikini proudly. I wanted so much to be her. But the point was – that I needed to be myself. And I needed to learn how to love who I was, even if I didn’t know who I was going to be. I needed to love my flaws, my insecurities and recognise that I was on a journey.

Even just the act of watching the sunrise together was special to me. We didn’t set a time to meet. The walls and floorboards were thin. Once one of us started walking around, the rest of us got up at our own time and made our way to the second floor. Two people offer to grab us all coffee, remembering our preferences, and then we all sit in silence. Together, side by side, but each in our own thoughts.

The rest of the day is basically spent napping on hammocks, walking around the island, surfing or reading.

There were maybe 10 of us that night, and one of us suggested taking a boat to the side of the island where we could see the sunset. Of course, like all things in Mexico, there is never a fixed time to do things. We move alongside each other – someone takes the first step getting out of his hammock, and the rest of us follow suit.

By the time we actually get there, the sun has gone down, but the beautiful hues of an already set sun radiated across the sky.

That night, we gathered around a fire. Someone brought her ukulele along, and sang a few songs. I remember listening to her sing, and immediately connecting with her emotions, her memories, her history. The power of music is such that it removes barriers between people. The magic of gathering around a fire, is looking at each stranger beside you, across you, and seeing their faces glow.

Chacahua made me realise the strength that was brewing inside me. It helped me see clearly, the kind of life I wanted to lead. It also decided for me, that I wasn’t going home – not quite yet.

And it was really on this island, that I decided to continue my journey to Europe…..

Everyone who has visited Chacahua once, will always want to return.

See you again, Chacahua.

It’s the little things

You remember in the end

Laughing so hard with each other till you have to wipe tears off, falling asleep together and waking up next to you. Watching Rupaul’s and making peanut dance to the beat. Drinking coffee on the white couch that coco destroyed within a few months.

Cooking breakfast for each other on weekends, going for runs on coney island, for walks in East Coast Park and munching on chicken wings while watching the sunset from the jetty. You singing “can’t help falling in love” to help me fall asleep. Us going snowboarding together at the beginning and the end. Feeling so proud of you when we watched you during NPD and the airshow. Countless of times where we would hold each other, helplessly, cluelessly, not knowing why we were together or how we should be together.

Remembering every hug that made us feel loved, every kiss that made me feel special. Saying goodbye to the feeling that all of this would last forever. Saying goodbye to the naivety that love is enough, and that love is about taking, not giving. Saying goodbye to the dreams we had together.

Looking back at our photos, I remember how deeply the love felt. Was it real? 100%. Does it exist still? Perhaps in a different way. It persists in my memories, where I want to preserve the best parts of us.

Like 2 forces that are not meant to be, we pushed against all odds to try to be together. We married our families, our friends and what society thought we should be. And finally, what pulses through all of us, this natural energy, is what has made us part ways.

When we give love, the love has been given. Freely, and unconditionally. Its frozen in time, in our memories, and we need only visit it from time to time to say hello and goodbye to an old friend.

There are no apologies in a goodbye, no forgivings, no more anger. Only wish you wells, and good hopes for you.

Only a Thank you for all the love we shared before.

It’s coming to an end – a bitter sweet ending. And I hope nothing but the best for you. Closing this chapter in our lives feels timely, and right. Here’s to the blank pages, filled with possibilities and unknowns. Here’s to living better lives, becoming better lovers. Here’s to healing the broken parts of ourselves and loving deeper. Here’s to you, and I.

No regrets.

I grew up as a pretend-rebel. I abided by all of society’s “guidelines” – study well, get into uni, get married, have a high paying job. Still, I wasn’t happy. I felt empty inside. I looked at my life and asked myself “is this it? is this what life is supposed to be?” I always thought I did things according to my own will, but I was a walking cliche. I wanted to be a rebel, but I never dared to veer outside of the comfort zone. I never dared to dream of a different way of life.

Once, in my early 20s, I told my mom “I never chose to be born, it was you who decided to bring me into this world, but now I have to learn how to live in it”

I don’t know how she didn’t give me one tight slap across the face. I must have caused her so much pain, but if she did feel it, she didn’t show it. I don’t recall what she said, but she never did give up on trying to understand me.

I’m now aware that those ungrateful thoughts I had, stemmed from living an unfulfilled life. Other than just being naturally rebellious, I was born with a sharp tongue. Ever since I was young, no one in my family could argue against me. My words were my weapons, and they often attacked people I loved in the name of defence. I had all of this anger.….built up in me since I was a teenager.

Just as any other family, my parents and I had altercations over many things. I always had my mind set on doing things my own way. I would question them when they didn’t allow me to do certain things, and ask them to justify their parenting. I remember always saying “you’re not going to get my respect just because you’re my parent, you’re going to get it because you deserve it.”

Trust me, even I am appalled at my own audacity. But I understand where I was coming from. It’s incredibly difficult to be a parent. My parents never received a manual for one. They did their best, trying to make the best decision in every phase of my life. They made conscious decisions to raise their children the way they felt best, and not how they were raised.

90% of the time growing up, my family got along very well. My parents chose to treat me and my brother as adults, even from a young age. Whenever we did something wrong, they would sit us down and try to hear us out, then give us a chance to apologise and always end the conversation with a hug.

Still, there were times when I felt so unhappy with life. I was yearning for more – I just didn’t know what it was. I always felt a disconnect, between what brought me joy, and “real life”.

Growing up, my parents found the most joy in doing outdoorsy things with us. Every Saturday morning, we would cycle and roller blade at East Coast park. Sundays were for swimming classes. Every public holiday was a chance to be at the beach for a picnic. Every other week, my dad would bring us to Clarke quay, to catch mud crabs (this was before marina barrage was built). Foreigners would always come by to see what we were doing. We had a picnic set up right in the middle of the concrete path. Every fifteen minutes or so, we would go round to collect the nets and see how many crabs we caught. Sometimes we got two, one time we got ten! Imagine walking along Boat Quay, going to bars and restaurants in fancy dress up, and then seeing a father with two children catching crabs from the Singapore river. We had our fair share of tourists come by to take photographs of us.

My mum would often come back all excited, telling me she has signed me up for lessons. Other parents would sign their children up for tuition, my mother signed me up for windsurfing courses. She always had a thirst for life, but never had the same opportunities as me, because of her situation growing up. My grandmother lost both her parents in a week at aged 19, and since then, had to rely on herself to support her family financially. My mother, from a young age, had to go out to work and help out with her family’s finances. She didn’t have the same luxury that she gave me. She wanted me to live out the things she couldn’t. She wanted to gift me the experiences she never had. I just didn’t know how to appreciate it properly when I was younger.

I didn’t feel a need to explain myself to the majority of Singapore’s society, because I never wanted to be in the majority anyway. I wanted to belong to the people who made decisions for themselves, listened to their own desires and walked down unfamiliar paths. I’ve always been inspired by friends who made mid career switches, moved overseas to start new lives, and defy societal gravity by rebelling against what the world thinks is ‘happiness’ and ‘love’.

During the trip, we talked about many things, very honestly and openly. Even though I am my parents’ child, they listened to me intently. They gave me their ears and their minds. When I got impatient trying to prove some of my points, they told me “Jane, we’re only just starting to see your world through your eyes, give us time, we will get there.”

They didn’t tell me “you don’t know better,” just because they had more experience than me. They even thanked me for showing them a different perspective, and I saw a shift in their mindsets.

I saw how much they wanted to understand where my new found love for life came from, and during the trip, we enjoyed each other’s company so much. The simplest pleasures were much more appreciated.

When we were together, all we cared about, was being together.

We enjoyed going to the markets in the morning, buying fresh seafood for dinner.

We marvelled at the rainbows we sighted, and took time to stop and take in sights that we found beautiful.

I thought I would be the one teaching my parents how to enjoy life. In actual fact, after observing them during the five weeks, I realised that one reason I have come to be this way, is precisely because of how my parents are. I started to see myself in them. My source of strength and thirst for life came from them.

My mother did a mid career switch when she was 38, she has battled with back pain all her life and still makes it a habit to run, cycle and hike every week. She has trekked through the Gobi desert for charity, and is planning to hike up ABC before she’s 60.

My dad started his business in the middle of a financial crisis, and has always advocated playing with your children, not just standing at the side of the playground and watch them play. Even though his parents never gave him any physical affection, he decided from when we were young to always hold us close and tell us he loves us.

They insisted on bringing us out every weekend, to East Coast park for inline skating, or to Bukit Timah hill for hikes. We all dive as a family, marvel at the underwater world together, and also climb mountains, windsurf, swim, do marathons.

The reason why I find city life so boring is exactly because my parents have always brought us outdoors, to love camping and sky diving, to love trying new adventurous things that might look daunting.

I witnessed how my parents spoke to people we met, with a lot of warmth and curiosity. They asked them good questions, gave them lots of interesting insights into Singapore, and were great company! They were never afraid of being silly in front of others, and could make conversation with just about anyone.

As we traveled together, all of us fell into roles we were all good at. Daddy at organising the bags and groceries, me at planning the itinerary and finding us places to stay at, mummy with making breakfast and injecting her laughter into our daily lives.

I began to view my parents as people, not just as people who raised me. Throughout their marriage, they’ve hit bottoms and struggled with communicating well. They committed to going for counselling and through it, learned how to understand each other better. They’ve been together for 38 years now, and you can still see the love they have when they look at each other.

It gives me goosebumps still, to see them so in love. It makes me proud to be their daughter.

This trip to Croatia was such a precious bundle of memories for me. It’s the last trip I take with my parents before I leave Singapore for a while. I don’t know how long I’ll be away for, but my parents have already said, “okay where are we going to next?”

I’m grateful to my dad and mum, for always being my best supporters, my best friends. They teach me that life is full of opportunities to better yourself, and this phase of my life was a great time for me to reflect and recuperate. They show me that you have every right to live your best life, if you only have the courage to dream for it. Because of them, I know that I’ll always be loved and supported. Love you, daddy and mummy, thank you for everything.

I wake up a little bit disoriented. My shoulder hurts from lying down in a weird position on the plane. Someone says something about landing and I look out of the window.

I see……. Singapore. A piece of land surrounded by water, with building after building after building. This is where I grew up. But this is not where I feel the most comfortable in.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a memory of me fumbling with my phone to get a grab home after clubbing at Marquee grabs my attention. And I don’t recognise that person. I mean, she’s me. Of course. But who was I really?

And then I start to think of all the times I felt at “home” over the last year. What is home? I don’t have an answer I’m afraid. Not yet. Some people say home is where your family is. Some others say it’s where you grew up.

I don’t know….. But home to me, is nowhere, and yet everywhere.

A friend of mine told me once. “Jane, nothing is enough for you, the world isn’t enough for you”

Oddly enough, I wasn’t offended by that statement. In fact, I felt liberated to know that she thought that of me.

What is…. Home?

Home to me, in 2020, has been so many places. From the hostel in berat where I spent 2 months connecting with my Co workers and lazily exploring Albania, to the apartment in Zagreb, where I came back to, time after time, because life orchestrated it to be.

I think home, is wherever you feel most yourself. And it can even be in a hotel room, where you are doing a quarantine for 14 days. Home, is not dependent on who’s alive, and where your memories lie. Home is where you can feel the most comfortable in. Home to me, is where I can breathe, and create, and think. The whole entire world, could be home.

I don’t feel anxious about coming back to Singapore. I thought I would, because of the divorce. But I don’t.

I’ve outgrown that person.

The Jane who got married just because.

The Jane who got a degree in political science just because.

The Jane who lived a life that singaporeans did….. Just because.

I feel at home. With myself. Because now I can finally be honest with myself. To know what irks me and fuels me.

I feel at home. Wherever I am going to be. Because the Jane I see now, is real. I’m finally living my own life. I’m finally realizing what privilege means. I finally feel……… How much love I want to give to the world.

The world changes and we must change along with it. We have to grow. What is home needs to make sense. What is home needs to feel empowering. I want Home, for now, to be whereever my feet lands. And for the next few months, that’s Singapore.

I’m gonna enjoy being back in Singapore. See you when I see you x

I woke up from a dream – a blast from the past. And I had to take a few minutes to recall how my life was from 2016 to 2019. Years I spent with my ex.

Despite all the differences between us, despite us being so incompatible, I somehow can only remember how much I loved him, and how much I think he loved me too.

But what is Love?

How do we choose to love properly? How can we find someone who has the same understanding of love as yourself and who can stick it out with you no matter what?

D sent this email to me in our early months of dating, and reading those emails now, I smile at our earnest declarations of love for each other. We barely even knew each other and yet were already talking about moving mountains, parting seas and going through tribulations for each other.

What’s love?

Did i show him love in the right way? No. I didn’t as well.

I remember so many times, when we fought, the way I spoke to him, the way i tore him down. I remember times when he would tell me very earnestly about his lacking in certain areas, and I would just give him solutions instead of just listen to him. I remember so many times, thinking to myself, that I could do better than him.

I remember only thinking of what I couldn’t get from him, instead of what he was giving to me.

I remember asking myself why I had gotten married to someone I had almost nothing in common with.

I remember wanting to leave too. He just beat me to it.

We both think we loved, but did we?

It feels like we just wanted certain things from each other. And when we stopped getting them, we stopped giving “love” too.

That’s not love to me.

What’s love then?

I don’t have an answer.

But I do know that loving myself is a steep learning curve in itself.

I do know that once i started to learn how to practice self love, how to understand myself, to figure out my insecurities, to repeat healthy mantras to myself, my entire life changed.

In the past, I may have chosen to stay in Singapore because of my family. But because I love myself more now, I’m listening to my own needs and I made the decision to leave for myself.

I’ve learned that loving at an arm’s length can sometimes be good. Be healthy.

I wish i learned how to love better during my marriage. But I also know it ended for other reasons.

Love alone, can’t keep two people together.

Yet having love for yourself first, can teach you how to love someone else better.

I’m sorry i didn’t know how to love myself more, and that i’ve neglected Jane all these years. In learning to love her, i’m also learning to be kinder to people around me, especially the ones who are especially close to me.

Love is a funny business. But without love, this life would be so much more dull.

A couple of months ago, I had a few exchanges with someone. It was heated. It was personal. Both sides said things meant to hurt each other.

Immediately after those conversations I felt defensive. Very defensive. I called up some friends to rant to them, called my mum to seek comfort in her. I felt so bullied by this person.

All the advice I got said to ignore and move on. Jane you’re already doing really well, take no heart in what x said and just continue in your healing journey. X doesn’t deserve your attention.

Yet night after night it bothered me. I didn’t want to care about playing games. If it bothered me I wanted to know why? Was it anger? Was it sadness? Was it insecurity?

When emotions cloud your mind, you can’t think straight. And when you’re delirious you say all kinds of nasty things. So I decided to bite my tongue and not say anything else I didn’t really mean. This is something I always want to do. I don’t want to say something my best self wouldn’t say because the person who has to answer for my wrongdoings is me.

After a month, I had nearly forgotten about the incident, and I was just having a conversation with someone. They mentioned about being bullied when they were young. And they said “Hurt people hurt”

People who aren’t hurt will not go out of their way to make sure you hurt too. People who are truly happy with themselves will not want to inflict hurt on someone else. Because they will have the compassion to understand you’re going through something hard, and that you need your own process.

So I looked to myself and asked myself what I could have done better. Plenty of things. I had to first acknowledge that I was hurting. I’ve been hurting. Of course I’ve been in pain. You don’t go through something like this and come out fine just barely a year later. I’ve never claimed I was completely fine but I also needed to be honest with myself. That I wasn’t entirely okay. The fact that I’m writing shows I’m still on the journey.

Hurt people hurt. I hurt x, and so x hurt me. And then suddenly whatever anger, bitterness or sadness lifted for a moment. Enough for me to realize that it was guilt I also had. X was right about certain things. Plus karma is a bitch so maybe this was payback for things I have done to others in the past. I definitely can recall my misgivings. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt, it’s that the universe is always in balance. You take more than you deserve now, and you’ll have to pay for it in future. You hurt someone now, and when you least expect it, karma will bite you where it hurts the worst. So really, I felt like this was payback for whatever I’ve done in my life.

I never had to justify why I’m in pain. Going through a divorce is hard. But going through what I went through was traumatising. I never needed to paint myself as a victim. I only needed to realise that I have pain that I need to heal. I didn’t need sympathy from anyone. I didn’t need to feel like I am in competition with anyone.

I only needed to focus on myself and myself alone.

Writing this down so it’s a good reminder to myself and anyone. It’s not always that you have a fault when it comes to being bullied by someone. Most times bullies just pick on you for no reason. But sometimes, if we can see it in ourselves to realize what we could have done better, let’s do that. Let’s do better for ourselves. Let’s grow our hearts big enough to know we’re not perfect, far from it. And that we need to be more humble and mindful so we don’t inflict unnecessary pain on others. I’m far from who I want to be, but I’m taking this as a lesson so I know where I can do better. I owe it to myself to live a life worth living. And I owe it to myself to be a person with a big heart to love with.