synonymsforjane

1. Find your fears and do them anyway

2. Slow traveling allows your mind to absorb lessons about yourself

3. When you remove distractions, and give yourself time to think, you start observing yourself much clearer and that’s when the “finding yourself” part comes along

4. You start to realize your strengths and your weaknesses, your dislikes and likes

5. Everyone can be a friend. Learn to tear down boundaries between you and others. They might surprise you with their stories. You’ll learn to humble yourself.

6. Listen more than you speak. I’ve had to bite my tongue many times.

7. Learn from mistakes but don’t dwell on them.

8. Most people going through slow traveling heal better from trauma and then really know how to enjoy their lives. Either finding a passion later on or going back with renewed energy.

9. Cost is not as much as we think!

10. It’s definitely doable to travel sólo as a female!!!!

Hiiiiiii people. Last week, I discovered a part of WordPress where you can see how many people have viewed your posts/blog. And I got a real shock! I always thought maybe 100 of my friends and family members are reading this but it turns out that there are a few more of you. I just want to say thank you, for listening to me rant and letting me pour my heart out to you. Even though I write for no one, it definitely makes me feel better knowing I have a tribe of friends supporting me from all around the world. It helps keep loneliness at bay. And to all of you who have messaged me before, know that sometimes you reaching out was the very thing that lifted my mood up for the day. I treasure all of your love and so today I wanted to share a little on what I do when I’m feeling just. So. Fking. Down.

1. Put On Music

I remember in Mexico, when I was in Guanajuato, I would spend the entire morning listening to songs and singing to them. While listening to music, I would get ready, have a shower while singing still, and then the day would already feel a little better by then. Most of the time, I would switch between “happy songs”, but sometimes when I’m really sad, or triggered by certain events, I would just let myself be sad. By that I mean i would put on the most horrifyingly sad songs – cue “ill follow you into the dark” by death cab, “breathe me” by SIA. There’s even a playlist on Spotify called “sad songs for crying yourself to sleep” hahahahahaha. I would put on these depressing songs and just C R Y. Yes. Just cry!!!!!!!!!! After I cried, I would cry even more, and then wipe my tears and feel better.

2. Walk It Out

I know that most down days make you feel like staying in bed forever. Do that for as long as you want, and when you’re ready to feel better, put on your shoes and take a looooooong walk. Pick a destination or not, just walk! Try to leave your phone at home, and bring as few things as possible (but deffo water). You want as few distractions as possible. In every city or town I went to, I would take daily walks to a high spot, look out in the distance and take deep breaths. I would stay there as long as I needed to, just observing my thoughts and emotions. If I was angry I noticed my steps were faster and my heart beat faster. If I was sad my steps were heavier and my shoulders slumped forward. If I was anxious, I would trip over myself alot, and get distracted really easily and not be able to stay still in a spot. Walking helped to dispense some energy and also let my thoughts flow better. Some of my best revelations were realized during long walks. How long must the walk be? I would say minimally for 60 minutes. If possible 90 or 120 minutes.

3. Exercise

Angry because someone said some shit about you that was clearly to push your hot buttons??? Depressed because you’re heart broken? Sad because you didn’t get your promotion? Anxious for your exam results??? Whatever it is, exercise is gonna help. This I guarantee!!!!!

I still remember certain days where I’d wake up to a memory, or from a nightmare, and I would feel so out of control. I could feel my emotions all jumbled up, unable to identify themselves, all vying for my immediate attention. Those days, I would close my eyes, and take deep breaths in and out. Then I’d ask myself “what do you wanna do?” and the answer is almost “sweat it out”

For me, I’ve realized I need to do something about my emotions. I have never been able to just shelve my feelings aside and unpack them later. When they come, they come HUNGRILY. I’m one of those people who can neeeeever go to bed angry. Never. So a great way to deal with the tangled mess is to exercise. When you’re body is tired, your mind can now focus on things like replenishing it with oxygen and energy, instead of being so fricking demanding.

What kinda workouts? High intensity ones. Get your heart pumping fast. I did HIIT mostly because I don’t have access to weights. I like to follow Lili sabri/emiwong/pam reif workouts because they’re short and easy to follow. Plus while I’m calming my brain down, why not build my butt at the same time haajaja. For yoga, I like Yoga with Kassandra or Yoga with Adrienne.

4. Take a lemon shot and drink lots of water

This is just part of self care. But also the sourness from the lemon gives a kick to be like “ARRRGFHHHFJJDJDD”. Idk why but it makes me feel better.

5. Take a long hot bath. And then blast yourself with cold water.

Self explanatory. But just to distract myself from a down day sometimes I would take a long hot shower, and then switch suddenly to a cold shower for at least 3 mins. I also have no idea why this helps. But I always end up squealing and laughing when the cold water comes on, so maybe the laughing helps.

None of what I’ve written down is backed by science but it worked for me hahahaha. There are a few more things like watch a comedy, drink wine, call a friend to talk to, etc. But these are what I think helped me the most. I’m an impatient person, and I usually want immediate results. It’s not necessarily a good thing but I’m a work in progress. We will get to the patience thing next time okaaaaayyyyyy.

Ciao!!!!! Besos!!!!!

I met C years ago, maybe almost a decade ago. I don’t remember when or how. But I find it interesting that even though we have led different lives, I am sitting here nodding to everything he’s saying.

He’s opening up about leaving a corporate job he didn’t like, taking a calculated risk to explore his interests and eventually starting his own thing to share cool things with people in Singapore. I find his life really cool, especially since he teaches the Wim Hof method and I’ve always wanted to try it proper. Not just jumping into 2 Deg water in Albania and freezing my ass off until I can’t breathe.

I thoroughly enjoyed this episode on YX’s podcast and from miles away, I’m grateful to them for putting in effort, time and energy to do something different from other Singaporeans. Starting a podcast is tough and hard to earn money from. But here they are, like minded people sharing a good moment with each other, and also with us listeners. I take a moment to email YX to thank him and I send a message to C to say hi.

I reach out because I’ve come to a point in my life where I believe that faith in humanity comes from making connections and collaborations. Us humans have done alot worse to each other, to the earth and to nature. We haven’t exactly been the most evolved species and for a young animal species we sure haven’t done ourselves very proud. We are babies compared to bats, rats, whales, microorganisms and other way more evolved beings. And yet here we are, thinking we are the best. Here we are, deluding ourselves that we are such amazing and deserving things.

The best thing we can do as people is to realize the borders shouldn’t exist. That people are of ONE. That if we can somehow find it in our hearts to love more and share more, we can contribute more to each other and our generations after us.

This is why when I accidentally read a few comments left by fellow singaporeans I get immediately pulled back into the psyche of a “typical Singaporean”.

One person commented that “you should really interview bigger singaporeans who left… Who did bigger things”.

A sour taste immediately rose up to taste.

Why? I ponder over this. Why is that in Singapore, we have been conditioned to think we can put a value to everything?

Certain conversations remind me of how we even put a value to friendships and relationships…. As if we can rate who is more deserving of our time, and who isn’t.

How shallow we have become….how calculated we have become…..

Success definitely is important, and wanting to be excellent in an industry or a field is important. But we should never look down on those whom we deem “less successful” than others.

To me, if a person is living their best life, if a person has developed an individual taste, a way of thinking, if a person has risen to a maturity level where they know their worth…. That’s worth celebrating. They could still be on their way to better things. They could also be on their way down to a failure. Life is so full of challenges and surprises that we shouldn’t look at the past or present to dictate how “successful” a person is. Who we CHOOSE to be, matters more. And how we behave and treat people matters even more.

We don’t all have to be Jack Ma, Bill Gates or Joseph Schooling to be celebrated. We shouldn’t aspire to be them because we are us. We also shouldn’t live to impress anyone.

This isn’t to say we shouldn’t strive for excellence, in anything we do. Of course we should!!! If we find passion in something, if we find drive in doing something, we should celebrate the fact that we have the means and resources to give it our all. But not once, should we compare a person to another. Because that’s when we become unwanted critics of other people, and unconsciously the worst critics of ourselves.

Wouldn’t it be much more encouraging if we all worked together? Wouldn’t it be more inspiring if we recognised that we all have different strengths and should use them and combine our resources to do greater things? The true value in humanity is the understanding that we work best, when we work together. To put others down, is only to push your own ego up.

I definitely recognise traits of who I used to be, in these online shamers. And I detest it. A part of me is ashamed to admit I was once like that. Judgmental, competitive and arrogant. I used to think I do things best on my own. But now I see that I alone, can never achieve the things I want in life. In anything I do in future, it’s important to recognise that I need, no, I want, to do it with others alongside me.

I know its not just Singaporeans who criticise each other way more than necessary. Having travelled around for a while, this mentality is pervasive in other communities too, usually in highly competitive environments. The good thing about Singaporeans though, is our ever eager attitudes to improve and do better. This is something I’m proud of. That we have ingrained in us a belief that we can always do more. So let’s do more. Say less. Love more. Critic less. Can anot?

I put on my mask to go inside the cafe and immediately feel pairs of eyes watching me. I let their stares sweep over me and I decide to sit outside instead. The weather is not yet too cold, and the multi coloured cushions on wooden stools look much cosier.

A man approaches me and I know him to be part owner of the family run business. He explains to me the different burgers they have and I choose the one with the truffle option. Would you like a side of fries with that? Oh yes. Yes please.

I’m not a huge fan of fries but his warm suggestion made me want to say yes more than no. Besides, today is less about wanting or not wanting fries, and more about getting to know my date.

I feel myself automatically reaching for my phone, out of habit. And I set it face down. After all, I need to settle down a little before the food comes. I let my eyes wander around and notice how many loving details fill the decor of the place. There are photos of the owners with guests on their window sills, ornaments from around the world, that they have brought home with them from past holidays. I make a mental note never to be afraid of mixing business with personal expression in future, if ever I start something.

As my eyes glance around, I spot her. Her appearance surprises me at first, because she’s Asian. And even though I’m Asian, I don’t constantly look at myself all the time. All around me are Caucasians. That’s probably why people tend to stare sometimes.

I look at her and she looks back at me. Her hair is up in a knot and as I put my hand up to touch my hair, her actions mirror mine. I smile and she smiles back at me.

Today, my date is me. And I’ve brought myself out on a nice date to get to know me. In a casual, non-pressurising manner. This girl and I have had alot of beef with each other lately, but we’ve also had to go through quite a bit over the last year. And today is a chill, relaxing day to be together.

I ask my date, how are you? Just as i would with any other date. And I let my thoughts run free……..

What do you enjoy doing recently?

What do you fear?

What are you proud of?

Who in your life matters to you?

What makes you happy?

I speak frankly with myself. Without judgment, without pressure. And I talk to myself as I would with a stranger. With the same amount of kindess. I give myself the same benefit of the doubt. Even when it clearly shows I don’t yet have my life all sorted.

As usual, I start to fidget about a little. And I get distracted. I start to write, and realized my writing wasn’t genuine and just a way to distract myself from actually being with myself. So I stop.

Keep it simple Jane…..

So I start eating, and I just simply enjoyed every bite. Every bite was to savour whatever was in my mouth. I didn’t rush through the meal, I tasted every component of my truffle beef sandwich.

All the while, I’m talking to myself. In my mind. Just letting thoughts flow. Being present in time. I finish my meal and order a tea. That tea was finished and I asked for a refill of hot water.

Before I knew it, I had spent 90 minutes with my date. And it was awesome.

It was the first time I had set a conscious decision to date myself. And I loved it. We often put ourselves in such demanding situations and we expect the most of ourselves. We critic ourselves the harshest and also give little patience to listening to our inner voices.

I’ve gone 28 years not realizing fully the beauty in me. I’m always quick to regret things I’ve done in my life and I’m extremely fast to question myself on why I made certain mistakes. I berate myself constantly for not doing things better or treating people in better ways.

But I don’t stop and admire myself enough. Even if I have before, accepted compliments from other people, I haven’t actually been comfortable giving compliments to myself. I might come across confident, and maybe I am. But I want to start celebrating parts of me more. I want to actually believe…. That I’m enough

I want to assure myself, that self love doesn’t mean rejecting love from others. But it means only accepting love that is deserving of mine. Self love….is so important because I’m sick of giving my heart to the wrong people. I’m sick of opening up, only to have to pick my heart off the ground again, because someone else isn’t ready to receive it.

I want to stop this negative pattern of falling for the wrong people. And I want to identify trauma triggers. So my old wounds don’t find comfort in fresh pain again.

I’m dedicating my love to myself first, and deciding to walk away when I have to…..because this girl… That I now see. Deserves more. And she’s enough for me.

“What do you think couchsurfing is?”
“it’s like staying with friends -“
“NOooOope it’s not. We’re not friends. It’s not staying with friends. It is two strangers meeting, maybe exchanging some stories, spending some time to cook and make good memories”

I got caught off guard and stared at him wide eyed.

I didn’t like that he cut me off and continued talking about himself for the next 10 minutes. I wanted to change my mind about staying 3 nights on this guy’s couch.

R is a driven, motivated guy, who came from humble beginnings but has done well for himself. He likes to cook, is invested in the travel industry and lives between 5 different cities.

This definitely sounds more “humble” than what he told me. “at 22 I started my own company, and had 400 employees, now I’ve just launched my own startup and we have received millions of funding from x. I have 5 different houses, and alot of friends who own big companies. In India I have 3 restaurants and they are the best in my village.”

For alot of us who come from an Asian background, we would think this guy is a showoff, and that he’s not humble. But I fact checked my judgmental thoughts and asked myself why I thought this way.

In Singapore, we are used to talking down ourselves. So much so that when we go for interviews sometimes, we find it hard to praise ourselves and need to take courses to portray ourselves better. When we cook for others, we always say “this is probably not very good, i forgot to add the xx, this could be better in this way etc etc.”

We learn this from our families, our society and our peers. In school if we do well and are proud of it, our peers will call us nerds or closet muggers. Parents often ask children why they didn’t do even better than they did, and would send them to more remedial classes. I’m sure we are all familiar with being compared to other cousins or neighbours.

In the society I grew up in, its extremely important and expected of us to be excellent in what we do, all that we do. We put so much pressure on ourselves to do well. Yet, when we actually have done well for ourselves, we hardly celebrate it! We might give ourselves a light pat on the back and then ask the question “But can I do better?”

I remember, in my 3rd year of work, doing better than ever. I had doubled my sales and my name was flashed on the projector for being top 50 in my rank in the entire company. I had worked hard for this. So hard!!! And yet I didn’t feel a single shread of joy. All I thought was how I could sustain this for the next year. I quit the next year.

Last year, I gave myself the task of figuring out how I can derive joy, and be proud of what I’m doing. To be really proud! I did a few jobs, from teaching babies to be water confident, working in a childcare centre taking care of fifteen children, to making cocktails in a bar. I started to understand how doing something you’re passionate about is so important.

When we have found a job that we like, that we are good at, we want to give it our all, and we want to know we’re good at it. If we are, we should praise ourselves for it.

Looking back at what R said, I don’t think he was being arrogant at all. He was confident and rode on a high for being extremely good at what he does. I now feel that I placed my conservative judgment on him. Every sentence he said was a fact, none of it was meant to boast. But I took it the wrong way because of the way I was conditioned to think.

If I had followed my first instincts, which is to decline his couchsurfing offer, I wouldn’t have known what a kind man he is. I spent 3 nights on his couch and 3 mornings listening to him talk to his employees. He was a good mentor, always ready to give good feedback to them, and he spent quality time listening to his team.

He shared with me his home, and cooked delicious meals for us. His homemade chicken masala was the best I ever tasted. We walked together through Old Town in split and talked about his ambitions and he listened to my dreams of studying art/design. We shared good moments together – 2 strangers from different parts of Asia, crossing paths in Croatia.

How we view others is so much a reflection of how we treat ourselves. Sometimes if we find it difficult to be proud of our own achievements, we think it’s haughty of others to be proud of theirs. We can be proud of them, but noooo they can’t boast about themselves.

I’m glad that i opened my own eyes to observe my reactions, and fact checked myself. Otherwise I would have missed out on a wonderful opportunity to meet dear R.

I’m learning that though people may rub us the wrong way at times, we can choose to question ourselves first, and see if we could think a little kinder of others. In putting kindness first, we also learn to be kind to ourselves. And that’s the most important, especially when we go through difficult times.

Till the next travel story!
Besos

I left Albania, and came to Croatia. This time, no longer with a travel companion. This time, alone. Truly alone.

I’ve gotten used to assessing and re-assessing myself over the last 10 months. There have been many times of anger, frustration, impatience, sadness, times where I’ve felt “not myself” anymore. But this concept of not being myself just because I feel all of these emotions, is wrong to me now.

“our societies acknowledge marriages, funerals, and even graduation farewells, but deny us any formal recognition of the demise of a relationship despite its strong emotional effect”

Why is it okay that we accept people posting photos of their weddings, children, happy occasions, or talk about them over and over again, and yet feel awkward when we see people grieve openly?

We shouldn’t consider feelings of sadness, misplacement, depression, anger, anxiety or anything negatively connonated to be unnatural or unwanted. IT IS part of who we are, because it’s completely normal to feel all of these things. So instead of the rhetoric “I dont feel myself”, say “I feel sad. I feel angry I feel x”

Because our emotions do not define us. We cannot control our emotions. We can only control how we respond to them. We can choose whether we want to let them control us, or we can choose to let these emotions come…..aggressively, hungrily, overwhelmingly…… And then let them go. How? By asking ourselves the hardest questions. This bothers me….. But why? Is it because there’s some truth in what’s being said? Is it because i can’t face this truth? Is it because I’ve been denying certain things about myself because of ego?

Anyway, I’m happy that I’ve been documenting my journey. Because just from reading my earlier entries, I can see how hurt I was. How much I was pushing myself to heal. How desperate I was to grab hold onto sanity. I believed in anything I could, just so that I could survive this debacle.

I write this here so that someone out there can know, that this was my journey. That whatever emotions or feelings or hurt they feel is not wrong. I write my story here because when I was so down I literally would Google “how to move on from a marriage” or “how to grieve” “how to stop the pain”

I felt so alone. I would call up friends I know who were divorced and ask them “just tell me I’m going to be okay. I need to hear it”.

In the first few months of the year, I was in shock. In absolute shock. Because things happened so quickly. After reading so many other stories of going through a divorce, I now realize this is completely normal.

You’ve lived your past few years thinking you have found your life partner. You’ve stood infront of friends and family to show them who your ultimate protector is supposed to be. And now the both of you have failed each other, and broken a marriage. Who has a manual for that? You’ve also immediately picked up a massive ton of guilt. For the way things happened. You think of all the things you hold guilt for and you wish you could have undone them. You wish immediately to take back words, and redo things. The first few months are a tremendously hard time. It’s sometimes hard to even know what you’re feeling because everything is so o v e r w h e l m i n g.

Your mind starts forming stories in your head to protect you from insanity. And you let it do that, because you need it.

The next phase of this process included not wanting to face certain emotions. Now that they’re not so powerful and strong anymore, I tried to look past it sometimes. I tried to pretend they’re not there anymore. I lied to myself that I’m okay, and I get addicted to looking into the future. I make plans for the next few months, years and I refused to look at the past. I hardly even stayed in the present.

The third phase brought some calmness. I got used to not talking to him so much. I got used to the idea that our marriage has fallen apart. And I stopped denying that we would never get back together again. I wanted to embrace and accept the fact that from here on, my life was going to change. And I wanted to fully welcome that change. With a more positive mindset, I was ready to seek closure. I welcomed the pain back into my life. If I needed to cry, I did. If I needed to write down questions, I did. I started reading more, talking to people more, and I wanted to make sense of what actually happened in my marriage. Why? So i could learn from it, not make the same mistakes and move on.

Thankfully, D was always there for me. He made sure we could talk honestly and openly, and he gave me alot of time to ask him questions. I know that some people never speak to their exes, and they move on fine after. Because its true, that you don’t get healing from the person who broke you.

But I’ve always felt that communication is good, if it’s done peacefully and rationally. Over the next few months, we had very honest and open talks with each other and I managed to clarify certain things with him. This was a huge turning point for me. Because as much as its easy to paint D as the ‘bad guy’ just because he’s the one who left. I could have easily been the one to leave too. The marriage, was just at that point where we were both not our best selves anymore, we were both not thinking straight, and not treating each other right.

Alot of my friends and family couldn’t understand why D and I still spoke, because they had alot of anger towards him, and a natural reaction to that is to shun someone out. But that wasn’t my experience. I didn’t feel as though he was the monster of everything. I had a completely different experience. He was still, to me, the D that I knew, the D that I believed in. He was just incredibly lost and also in denial of his own actions.

I won’t speak for how he really thought or how he really thinks even now, because I’m not him and I’ll never know his truth.

But for me, our conversations were a huge part of why I feel so strong now, why I feel so confident of my process.

I got closure from it. I got to forgive myself, and him. I got to go back to what I believed in, which is that being kind and compassionate never hurts. Importantly, I managed to ACCEPT that things happened the way they did, because there are differences between us and baggage within us both. Knowing and accepting is so different but I could feel that change. That weight off my heart. That deep breath of air I could finally inhale and enjoy.

I accepted that we aren’t gonna be in each other’s lives anymore, and I had good hope that we would do better, or at least that I would live life better.

I started getting excited about the changes in me. I started to read more widely, to learn new things (Spanish and skipping). I started to be fully present with friends and enjoy their company. I felt a whole new change inside me. I felt happiness.

This only happened I would say, maybe a month or two ago. So it took nearly seven months to feel truly happy again. But it was possible. And to anyone who’s reading this, it IS possible.

Things or memories, photos, would still trigger certain sadness in me, and sometimes I would still have bouts of fear and anxiety, but that’s completely normal. The difference was how much faster I could bounce back from those episodes.

The other difference I observed was being able to identify truth for myself. Certain words were said to me that bothered me for a week. They were told to me by good friends who wanted to remind me of hard truths. Once being said to me, I took them in, digested them and really let them resonate with me. The truth is that I’m not the only victim in this entire affair. And I never once needed to portray myself as one. Everyone who comes out of a failed relationship suffers, in one way or another, whether they want to believe it or not. And this process of being able to kill my own ego over and over again has been so good for me.

Ego blocks us, on many levels, at many times, from receiving helpful lessons. Sometimes, someone comes along and delivers a hard lesson. We have to grab ego by its shoulders, shove it aside, let their words pour in, and listen to what they’re saying. We filter out the unnecessary, filter out their hurt and their emotions, and what is left will be useful to us to examine ourselves.

My biggest takeaway during this phase of experiencing closure, was that I didn’t need to feel sorry for myself. I never needed to justify my sadness and grief. I only needed to allow myself to process it. And put everything else aside.

On this journey, I’ve met so many people who have gone through worse. We are all connected, all of us in the world. We are, each and every one of us, victims at one point in our lives. We have all been bullied by circumstances, tortured by heart breaks and denied freedom due to an unlimited number of reasons. But we can all be survivors of our past. If we only allow ourselves to first expose these wounds……and WORK on healing them. It is hard work. It is consciously putting effort and energy into healing. Growing is a by product of it.

We do this so we don’t become future perpetrators and hurt others – other lovers, our own children. We do this so we stop the cancer at its root, and we don’t allow it to spread into our way of life, how we treat others. We heal ourselves so we can learn to treat people around us with more kindness, love and respect. Hurt people hurt……

Of course, I could have never done this myself. And I owe my entire journey to my parents. My mum who puts aside her own problems and difficulties and finds time to talk to me every single day. My dad who, even though is so worried about me, tells me he loves me all the time, and gives me the assurance to go and find my own way. My brother who I know, ALWAYS has my back.

My friends who have counselled me, fed me, loved me, nurtured my broken soul, reminded me again and again of my self worth, stayed up late to let me rant…..i am forever grateful to you.

Traveling has been the ultimate medicine and the best therapy. Meeting so many inspirational people, and hearing other people’s stories of pain and recovery has helped tremendously. I think of all of you…. Whom I’ve crossed paths with… And I send you my love and my thoughts where ever you are.

My story of healing is far from over, I know. But to whoever who needed to read this, you will survive this pain. I testify to it. Hang in there. I’m rooting for you.

Kev is cooking everyone some eggs for breakfast. It’s a sunny morning in Berat, Albania, and we are all sitting in the cosy sofa corner, shaded by trees and a canopy.

We’re talking about the difference between Chileans and Argentinians. Besides the way they speak, and with Chile being more expensive, there is a familiar comaraderie between them. They feel like friends who haven’t met for years and are just catching up to make up for lost time. Yet, they’ve only just met.

I think about this and wonder if Singaporeans would feel the same even if we met while traveling in the world. Its sad but I think most would agree with me, that singaporeans don’t have the same warmth towards each other. There is usually a wall between us, and maybe only a small percentage of us would ever make the first step to break the ice.

“How’s the situation in your country?” is a common question nowadays as we come together, all travellers from different backgrounds and nationalities, but all finding ways to continue this nomadic lifestyle. “It’s bad, ” is a usual answer.

But bad means a world of difference when placed within different countries’ contexts.

“It’s bad” in Singapore might mean not being able to travel, not being able to keep the same high level of income, or having to wear masks everyday everywhere.

“It’s bad” in many Latin American countries refer to masses of people dying, young people getting tear gassed for peacefully protesting against their corrupted governments, and having to loot from shops because there are not only no jobs to be found, but no other alternatives because welfare isn’t a relevant word in some of their countries.

I find this dichotomy unsettling.

And yet its existence is evident.

I open up Instagram stories and see that a friend is talking about his family back in Colombia not having enough money for food and his struggles to send parcels back to them. Right after a tap, I see a Singaporean friend doing her nails with the caption “Finally able to secure a stay cation!!! Had to wait 2 months just for this, getting my nails done now to pretend I’m in Bali”

We’ve always known of the inequality in the world, even in Singapore. But we tune it out and keep it out of our minds because we can, and because we think “well its not like I need to be starving before I can want more in life”

Something in me is stirred, and I feel like my perspectives have changed so much. Its sometimes no longer enough to just talk about these injustices at dinner tables. I feel a want in me to do something about things. I just don’t know how, and what I can do.

I know that we in Singapore, can do much more. Much more for the people in our country we call home. I wish for communities to be built up again, so that we can tackle difficulties together, instead of only looking out for “our own”. I wish that a day comes, when singaporeans will realize we are capable to love and should give so much more of it.

I know I usually only write when the down days come so I wanted to pen down some other thoughts too, to show the reality of my mentality and persona nowadays. I want to also remind myself how my thought process and outlook about life has changed.

It’s an early morning, i can’t sleep anymore even though we all slept pretty late last night after pizza and beers.

M and I found ourselves in a nice little community in Berat, Albania. We are part of a team that takes cares of a hostel, we run it and work in different shifts starting from 830am to 1030pm. The synergy of the group is great, we all get along well and I’m really starting to make good connections with them.

Of the 7, we are 1 aussie, me, 3 Argentinians and 2 Chileans. We start talking about how we started slow traveling, and many of them shared that they were looking for better work opportunities abroad, since their countries are so poor. At this point, I take a mental note to appreciate how lucky I am to come from Singapore, where that’s the least of my concerns. I know that at any point in time, I can go back and earn a decent living, save up some money and go traveling again.

We talk about future plans and it seems like everyone is trying to go to Croatia from here. Croatia is an entry point into the rest of the EU so naturally, our plans gravitate towards entering Croatia from Albania. We worry about quarantine, about needing negative PCR tests, about whether there are workaway jobs there…… And then we all resign to the same slogan – Hakuna Matata.

There are worries of course. Many of them. But if I’ve learnt something about slow traveling, it is to let the tides push you along, instead of trying desperately to control every aspect of life. Not trying to plan has been a difficult lesson, but I think I’m getting a hang of it. Letting go of the reins is so freeing. It is knowing that difficulties will come, even more heartbreaks will happen, but that better things will follow too.

I’ve truly learnt to listen to what I want, instead of what I think I should want. Coming to Albania was completely not anything I ever planned to do, but I’m glad I allowed spontaneity to bring me here. Here, I’ve learnt how no plan is almost always the best plan.

It’s important to be authentic. I don’t regret anything that has happened before and I’m really glad I have learnt so much about myself over the last year.

I’m now sipping a cup of hot tea, with ginger, honey and lemon. Drinking too much raki has led me to lose my voice and get a bit of a cold. Cause and effect right? 😂

What I really do enjoy now is the freedom. The freedom to pursue my own set of perspectives, to carve out truths for myself. The freedom to go where I want, spend time with people I like, visit places I want to go to. The freedom from toxicity and negativity, from people who want to pull everyone around them into their psychotic chase of what they think will bring happiness.

Being kind is important, being compassionate is vital, and being all of that to yourself first, is life changing.

“why don’t you come home Jane? What are you looking for? Are you running away from your problems? “

At the start, staying away from Singapore was a desperate attempt to stay away from the memories. But now that I have started to move on well, pictures no longer bother me, and feelings about D are no longer jumbled up. I know very clearly how I feel about things now, and I feel good about the future. I don’t mean to say I don’t feel the sadness anymore, but as most grief exists, it never fully goes away. It remains somewhere in your life, having made a mark once. But it doesn’t hurt anymore.

I’m looking for inspiration for living. I’m looking to continue this nomad life, until one day I get sick of it. Until I want to find a permanent home for my toothbrush. I’m searching to learn even more about myself.

Of course I wanna go back to Singapore. And I probably will soon. I have to pack all my things and sell them. Catch up with old friends and say hi to family. And then ill be off again. If I meet you in Singapore, I’ll give you a hug!

I’ve had many people write to me, pouring out their hearts just as I have to you over the last 9 months. I want to embrace each and every one of you and thank you for being here with me. Your presence has been amazing for me, and I only hope I get to hear your stories one day.

Besos x