It’s the 5th of February, a Wednesday morning. I’m holding a warm cup of coffee to heat up my palms, wrapped in a thin bed sheet, sitting beside three Germans and a Spaniard. None of us are talking, but the silence between us sits comfortably as we watch the orange and pink hues of the sun rise. The sun has not yet peeked but its glow has already cast shadows off the turtle sanctuary that lies ahead of us. A soft breeze carries the scent of the ocean, past my face and I struggle to think that just 4 weeks ago, I discovered some messages on my husband’s phone that would change the course of my life drastically. During the 4 short weeks, I have been pushed down a roller-coaster ride, over and over again, against my will. I had never been more enslaved to my emotions, and yet I have never had such clarity in my reflections as well. Life is funny this way, it often brings lessons to us, in directly contrasting ways. It brings you to the deepest depths of pain, and then it throws you up in sensational euphoria. So the harder you fall, the stronger you become. When you face any situation, pray that you go down deeper, and not lesser, for a bigger lesson waits for those who appreciate the intense difficulties that await us.
After 20 minutes, Gwenn spotted two men along the coast, pouring out what looked like sand into the beach, close to the water. We ran to the beach and saw that they were baby turtles being released into the sea. There must have been a few hundred of them. We watched patiently as they crawled towards the water. I wondered about the instinct they had in them. That basic animal instinct to go towards a vast unknown and face innumerable factors of risk. Some say few out of thousands survive past the first few days of being out at sea, and yet on this beach right now, every single turtle we were watching, had a fighting chance.
A flashback hit me while we were walking back to the hostel. I’ve realized, it is in moments of familiarity, when your mind lets down its guard and toxic thoughts squeeze their way into your consciousness. A picture on Instagram of the two of them celebrating Christmas together in Mountain home, in the apartment that I helped him set up. Another picture of them in our house in Singapore, probably in our marital bed, where hours were poured into building up a home. A picture of her posing with her engagement ring……….the memory of my dad crying in my study room because his heart is breaking….
Stop.
I demanded my thoughts to hit pause and looked up at my surroundings. ” I see the ocean, a porch with hammocks, I see my friends ahead of me, I am 10 steps behind of them, we are about to start our day.” I used my vision to replace the toxic memories, and reminded myself that things are out of my control and that the only things I can influence is how I allow them to affect me. Do I give in to the anger and the betrayal that my heart sorely feels? Or do I remember the big picture and hold on to what my authentic self would want me to do, which is eventually to forgive and embrace D for his actions. Both. I give myself 5 minutes to feel nasty and let the anger grow in my chest, and it starts feeling so uncomfortable that less than 2 minutes later, my mind becomes bored of the anger and chooses to think of preparing for breakfast instead.
This is how we control our thoughts instead of letting them control us.
But really it’s also about letting go of control.
If you were caught in an undercurrent, and you try your best to paddle towards the shore, that is when you will drown. But if you start to relax, and allow the waves to naturally move you towards it, while guiding yourself there, that’s when you survive.
Letting go of control is difficult. So we do what we know, which is to try and try and try again.
Just like any new skill that takes a good amount of practice to become second nature, letting go is a skill we need to master over time.
I watched the show Miracles in Heaven today, a movie based on a real book.
A little girl, only 10 years old, got really sick one day. It was out of the blue and many doctors misdiagnosed her until finally, one told her parents she had an incurable condition where, because of faulty neuron signals, her body couldn’t process food. The short term solution meant feeding tubes, loads of pills and painkillers, but no one could offer a long term solution.
The little girl, middle child of 3 girls, stayed positive, always smiling, always obedient. But even the kindest could be broken by pain. After months of pain and suffering, with little cure in sight, she once said to her mother that she wished she could die. It wasn’t to cause anyone else hurt, it was just so she could end the pain for herself.
The story had very simple concepts, that no one ever actually deserves for bad things to happen to them. And that in reality, having faith is much easier to do in good times than in bad. Bev, the mother, started losing faith in God when nothing seemed to be making her little girl better. What good was faith when she was the one making all of the appointments, keeping up with the medication, and not taking no for an answer when the only doctor that might be able to help them, was booked for the next 9 months?
I related to that scene. Because I sometimes feel like I’m more competent than others, and inevitably start feeling helpless. What if I wasn’t around to keep things together? Why can’t he think for me? Why do I have to be the one with initiative all the time?
This desperate need for control probably comes from wanting to know my chances at all times. So I don’t get disappointed or so I don’t disappoint.
I want to learn that letting go sometimes, also includes letting go of people’s opinions of me. In a really scary way, I care a little too much about how people perceive me. I lie so well on command, and ever since I was young, have been able to cook up different versions of myself, characters almost. Would a shrink say it’s because I didn’t truly like myself? So I took any chance to escape and be someone else?
I sit on a wooden chair, out on a wooden deck, and take three big gulps of my Chardonnay. It’s noon on a Monday, so I’d rather not lead with a gin tonic, as I normally would prefer.
Why not drink on a weekday? It’s days like these that I sit quietly and want to be grateful for the choices I’ve made. Yes, I make less money than I am “supposed” to. Yes, I am 2 days away from being 27, with the greatest achievement on my resume being that I was once a child ambassador to a UN conference when I was 12.
Being 27 and no longer in my early 20s brings me closer to not giving a shit about what I’m “supposed” to be doing.
How much money are we to make anyway? Height – minus weight times the amount of alcohol I drink in a week?
I can’t help but smile and be happy! These days I don’t feel anything less than said emotion. Being happy is feeling like dancing to the soppy song on the radio, noticing the birds chirping, and even taking delight in watching dark clouds roll over and pour into rain.
Being happy isn’t about being contented. Because I don’t think being content is what I am. I want more in life, but I’m not rushing for it. I’m letting things happen as I would to stop at a red sign. There’s freedom is flowing around the hard bends and slowly eroding at them with the insistency of happiness. With time, and a bit of luck, a gorge is still formed just by having water flow through it.
I remember a time, where I was blind to the sweetness of being alive. Not too long ago. And I relish in the fact that I’ve made a 180 degree turn to that perception. What a splendid time to be alive! No wars, no famines, no droughts. We take the simplest of things for granted.
2 days from 27 and I’m enjoying every moment of life, thank you for this gift.
I always start a new diary, or a new blog with an introduction of who I am. My name, what I like at the moment, who I am, who I love etc. As if an introduction written by present self to future self could ever fool me of the truth!
Fact. I left my old job because I didn’t like chasing money and it was hard doing sales – the rejection, the loss of purpose, and the unclear direction all made me feel unmotivated to stay. Also fact, those 3 years probably showed me my strengths and taught me never to judge a book by its cover. I genuinely learned to care about people, and have the patience to listen to people’s stories. I’ve been treated with tremendous kindness, and felt truly appreciated many times that I walk away knowing it was a couple of years well spent.
Fact. I am less rich and in some debt from the wedding, and the house renovation and that has been causing some stress on us, especially when we have close to zero savings and alot of money locked up in investments. Also fact. Because I invested time into China and understanding different industries (hostel, swim school, student care), I now have new perspectives of the world. Winning that free month long trip to Sri Lanka was such a blessing that changed my life. I know now I need little to be happy. Im materially less rich than I used to be – but spiritually and mentally so much more fulfilled than I was for 3 years.
Fact. I often complain about being held back in Singapore because of my marriage, and that I would rather be off in the world doing something exciting and fun, or even fulfilling a dream of being a bartender where my nights are my days, and I get truly passionate about doing something. Also fact. It is an unattainable hope for many people to one day meet a suitable lifelong partner that they can love, trust, and depend on. I am one of the luckiest people in the world to HAVE actually found Dom. He has been my inspiration, my teacher, my love, and who am i kidding? I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else except right next to him. My life could have gone done 10000 different paths, and it went the one way that led to Dom, so I can never say i would choose a different one.
Fact. I get easily influenced by expectations of society, and fall into a state of comparison. I get pressured easily into wanting things I didn’t want, and feeling disappointed when I am not as good as others. It makes me anxious to not live up to my own goals, and targets, and that makes me feel inadequate and a fraud. Also fact. I want to stop living like that. There shouldn’t be a comparison for anything because there is only one me. Life isn’t a competition and we were not born to be like anyone else. So why do we set ourselves up for failure when we try to live other people’s lives?
Fact. I am grateful for life, and thankful for God’s blessings. I love God, and I am getting to know Him better each day. I feel no shame in declaring my love for God, and in his midst, I acknowledge my weaknesses and all of me. Learning about the Bahai faith has strengthened my soul and given me a purpose. My one true purpose, the only one I have to keep reminding about, is that God created us out of love, and to live life purposefully just means to love him, know him, love others in his way. I’m only human, but I’m surrendering this life to you.
Malacca for those two days was a breath of air that I needed. I had been to Malacca before, but this was the first time I walked around the place on foot for over an hour, just wandering between alleyways, jumping into whichever old shop caught my eye. I have a penchant for what lived decades before me, and beaches where the sun sets, and Malacca happened to give me both.
We didn’t have time to eat as much as we wanted to, but we sure did take our time to go with the flow of whichever lane seemed more appealing.
Places we did eat at:
Nancy’s kitchen for peranakan food, the pork, the curries, the kangkong……superb.
Heesan Kopi for coffee while walking through Jonker street.
Bunga Raya Popiah for their Popiah (an Asian version of a wrap) because my friend Ashleigh says “it’s damn shiok” (Singapore slang for effing delicious) not even kidding”
Nadeje for their crepe cake – have actually tried this before and it was, in my memory, worth every bit of that extra calorie you’re gonna have to burn off by walking.
We had wanted to visit Klebang beach because it was recommended by a grab Uncle, but then an Aunty said it was under reclamation works and suggested we head to Pantai Puteri instead. We listened to the nice Nonya Aunty who reminded me of my aunt, and took about 20 mins to get there from our Airbnb. Puteri was like a distant cousin that I have never met, but felt instantly comfortable with. Lining the beach was a few restorans and food stalls selling street food, but besides that, it wasn’t turned into an overly crowded tourist spot. The beach stretched out for a distance, and so Uncle Grab dropped us somewhere in the middle. We headed right to the shore and let our feet soak in the warm ocean for a bit. 6.50pm. The sun was taking it’s time to set, and so we walked against traffic, towards the breakwaters. I did what I hadn’t done for years, pick up seashells! After about 15 minutes later, we were faced with a beautiful sunset, its last few minutes of light glazing over us like warm honey.
As if we weren’t pampered enough, we woke up to a great morning at the pool. We stayed in an Airbnb above Elements mall (which I don’t think is open yet – only has a 7/11) and the views from the pool are lovely. You get to see a great view of the red bricked roofs as well as the sea, side by side.
Malacca is a great stop for anyone who is headed to KL, Penang, or Singapore. It doesn’t need too much time, is packed on the weekends because of Jonker street night market, quieter on the weekdays, has plenty of nice accommodation places. Traffic isn’t bad mostly, and you can get around anywhere within 20-30 minutes or less.
Sri Lanka is a myriad of different colors, and the people in Wilpattu especially love to stand out. Women wear t-shirts with long skirts, often patterned with different colors. The younger women sport narrowly shaped skirts while the older Aunties stick to floral or rainbow colored patterns. The men too, explore different options from pink shirts to yellow sarongs. School children, however, stick to white uniforms, strikingly white, against their beautiful dark-colored skin.
The animals you find in Wilpattu National Park don’t lose out against the people. Wilpattu is a birders’ paradise, and even our faint interests in birds were piqued when we saw the striking blue Kingfisher, the rooster-like Jungle fowl. Watching the hornbill balance on a tree branch over the lake while he spread his feathers out to dry was a real treat. Our earlier conversation with Suraja, an experienced safari tracker, was kept at the back of my mind, and I mindfully paid detailed attention to the small critters who came to greet us.
Lina Dinner time
During our evening safari drive, we passed several other jeeps with customers who look disheartened. They had spent a full day and saw less than what they had hoped to. We smiled and went on our way, holding on to our hopes to see the big three animals — the sloth bear, leopard and elephant. After two hours of spotting deers, monkeys, and buffalos, we were getting restless. “ I want to see an elephant so badly, that the trees are starting to morph into elephants”, Lina said. I have seen leopards and elephants before, in Kruger national park, and so wasn’t as desperate, but her eagerness spread to me, and I wished harder on her behalf.
The sceneries in Wilpattu help to ease your mind as you pass through long roads of old trees on either side, and come across clearings marked by lively lakes. There is an infectious calmness that Wilpattu exudes. We spotted two wild dogs laying by a lake taking a nap, and it makes you envious of these wild animals, whose only worries of finding shelter and food don’t seem to affect their state of mind as much as we allow our worries to affect our happiness.
It takes a good hour from the western entrance of the park to reach the usual sighting spots, and so opting for a full day safari would be wisest. They charge 3000 rupees (+ or — 500 rupees) for a single entry ticket per Jeep, so they definitely don’t adopt a night club’s policy, where you get a stamp on the wrist and get to go in and out of the place. Once you’re in the park, the usual sightings of peacocks, gray langurs, spotted deer, and different species of birds will greet you. And then begins the eager search for “George” (I named the elephant we later spotted).
I started to think that searching for “George” is like when you badly need a taxi. When you’re 30 mins late for a meeting, taxi drivers seem to smell that desperation and suddenly disappear to play tricks on you. When you haven’t a care in the world however, they appear everywhere. So, I kept telling the universe I didn’t need to see an elephant, who cares about an elephant, I just want to see a leopard.
My theory was proven right, because just as we were about to finish our evening safari drive, and were on the way back to the entrance, a Jeep tipped us off in the direction, and we found a leopard. This leopard was curious and fearless. She stood only meters away from the 4 or 5 jeeps that have gathered around to see her. She strode back and forth, in gracious strides, unguarded and relaxed. She looked right back at us, as if trying to figure out what kind of animals we were. When she couldn’t be bothered anymore, she slid away quickly in a matter of seconds, and off we went too.
Lana the lady leopard
Leopard Trails was hosting us at their luxury safari campsite for a night, and like royalty did they treat us. We noticed lanterns on either side of the dirt path while entering the campsite, and then the most romantic view greeted us. Lanterns were lit everywhere along the paths, some on the trees, and a bonfire had just begun to crackle. They handed us cold lemon grass scented towels to wipe the dust off our face and ushered us to our outdoor bar. Two deck chairs were placed to face the fire in the distance, separated from us by a small pond with frogs leaping from pebble to pebble.
Dirt covered girls with our guide, happy to see a bar Them boys waiting with cold towels and coconut juice
Dhanu, our guide from Leopard Trails, had graduated from the top university in Sri Lanka, with a degree in zoology. While we sipped on our gin and limes, he told us how he got to be a safari guide. He had always loved the outdoors, and studied hard all throughout his childhood so he could pursue his passion in state-funded university. He told us that he’s Buddhist and does not drink, because he promised his grandfather that he never would. The passionate way that Dhanu talks about Sri Lanka, his values, and his interests, is not so different from many other Sri Lankan people we’ve met. I begin to wonder why I haven’t met many Sri Lankans before, and realized I feel a warmth with them, one that I only get with close family.
That night over dinner, Lina and I shared some of our personal stories with each other. The food was delicious, the environment was beautiful, and the service from the Leopard trails staff was impeccable. There was little to fan any worries we had in our minds, and instead, we were filled with anticipation and excitement for our morning safari drive the next day.
That morning, still dizzy from the pampering, I figured it wasn’t that bad even if we didn’t see an elephant. We had already seen heaps, including a herd of buffalos and lady leopard “Lana” (She looked like a Lana to me). We drove around the park, to different lakes and saw a tiny crocodile as well. You could sense our driver was motivated to show us the best parts of his playground, and perhaps find us that elephant before we left that day. Eventually, we gave up, and Dhanu apologized even though he didn’t have to. We were headed to our breakfast spot, where the only toilet facility is in the park, when “George” appeared right in front of our eyes!
He had been waiting for us all along! There he stood, twirling a bunch of leaves with the end of his trunk before placing into his mouth and taking satisfied munches. He seemed completely indifferent to the hoard of people who started to crowd around him. He could see us from the corner of his eye, I’m sure, but he was unfazed, and even posed quite a few times for our cameras. I couldn’t believe his presence, and so I stood there for quite a while, just admiring his graceful movements. He would twirl a bunch of leaves, smacking off insects, dirt and sand, put them into his mouth and chewed, while he got the next bite ready. Elephants eat about 150kg worth of food everyday, and eat for roughly 20 hours a day, sleeping very little. No wonder he couldn’t care less about us, “George” had work to do if he didn’t want to wake up hungry.
I stood about 30 meters away from him, eating my coconut-filled pancake, and pretended we were having a picnic together. When he got tired of leaves, he waded through the lake and had some water-weeds instead. When I was done with my coconut pancake, I moved on to some papaya. In my mind, “George” was telling me all about his bachelor life, and how he’s choosing between a couple of ladies. Bachelor elephants travel alone, until they decide to find a mate.
I guess you could say Lina and I were one of the few lucky ones, who got to see 2 out of 3 big stars in Sri Lanka. The sloth bear will be our next lucky find, but until then, the glimpses of “George” and “Lana” will make me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. Wilpattu is a good alternative to the hustle and bustle of Yala National Park, and there, we found passionate guides, extremely experienced drivers and beautiful sceneries.
I thought I knew my left from my right, but clearly, my kite surfing instructor, Magali, wasn’t convinced. “ Steer left!! The OTHER left “ she shouted from behind me, as she held both hands on my harness to keep me from flying into the air.
It took me a good 90 minutes to learn to use my weight against the power of the kite. It then took me another 90 minutes to learn to trust her, and follow her instructions carefully, without trying to take control of everything.
In kite surfing, you learn one of life’s most important lessons – to let go when the wind is forcibly competing against you. On your first day, your most important task is to get comfortable with steering, and keep your kite at an ‘at-ease’ position. The kite is the easiest to manage when it is at a 12’o clock position, right above you, neither pulling you left, right, or forward. The best way to keep the kite in this position, is by pushing the handles away from you at mid-position. In some way, you’ve got to physically let go of the steering, and hold it at a distance where you have some control over it, but not too much that the kite starts to gather wind from all over the place and jerks you around.
“ Push away, and be at ease, “ Magali told me. “ The more you try to pull it towards you, the more you will lose control” At some point, I wasn’t sure if she was teaching me life lessons or kite surfing. But over a good 3 hours, I finally learnt how to comfortably get the kite up in the air, steer it from left to right, right to left, and be in the present moment.
Kiting really is about being in the ‘now’, the wind is a major condition that cannot be controlled, and so the only thing you really have, is the ability to go with the wind. To feel where the wind wants to take you, roll with it, and let it surprise you. I met a pro-kite surfer, Aya, who said to me “ sometimes you can have the best conditions, good wind, flat water and perfect equipment, but if your body is not in the mood, then you have to listen to it.” I watch one of her videos, where her usual relaxed mannerism is juxtaposed by her focused and sharp movements as she whacks out a mid-air spin, followed by another trick immediately after.
I’ve taken wind surfing lessons before, and thought kite surfing would be as tiring, if not more, since it included harnessing the power of the wind. It was a pleasant delight to realize how light the kite was, and how natural it felt to steer it. It was, in the most basic sense, flying a kite while you’re in the water, with a couple of more fancy equipment versus your usual reel and line. After 3 hours of kite surfing, I felt more or less like I would after a 15 minute run, energized and ready for a day’s work.
Lunch time came and went, and then came the actual fun parts. We were going to do body drags, which is basically steering the kite at 1-2’ o clock and 10-11’ o clock positions so that the wind could propel me across the water. The lagoon was a perfect place for these exercises, because of the shallow waters and the soft banks. I took a while to get my body in a stiff position, point my arm to which ever direction I had to go into, and keep my legs closed so I effectively became a surf board. In minutes, body dragging became my favorite activity. It was such insane fun, feeling myself go full speed ahead across the water, as if I were a stream-lined surf board. I swallowed a good amount of sea water because I was hysterically laughing so much, like a 5-year-old on the swings for the first time. Body dragging was a pivotal lesson, to help ensure I was ready for the addition of the board itself.
“Always keep your knees bent, and when you feel the power of the wind, I want you to push against the board and try to stand up,” her words were repeated in my head over and over again. I wanted so badly to stand up for just even a second, to prove to myself that I could pick this sport up fast. I tried and I tried and I tried, again and again, but it never happened. Magali never stopped being patient with me, and I realized she was repeating herself over and over again, so I must have really not been listening to her at all. Yet, she never once lost her temper, never once gave up on me, and kept checking on me to see if I needed a break.
On our final try, I told myself to screw it! Who cares if I can stand up, who cares if I face plant into the water, I just want to have some fun while I can. I steadied my feet, pushed the kite into position, waited for a chance to dip the kite a few times and boom! I stood up! Just for a second before I was thrown back down again but in that second, I felt invincible. It took me 5 hours to realize the one simple concept Magali had been trying to teach me from the start – to feel the wind and be in the now. The techniques could definitely have been stronger, the wind could have been more consistent, but all these conditions, even if met, are not as important as the little moments of opportunities I missed, because I was trying to get everything else perfect.
Kite surfing taught me to live in the present, to enjoy the current seconds that don’t fly by as quickly as we think they do. If you would just calm your mind, and breathe deeply through your core, time stops for you, and in those moments, happiness visits and stays with you for as Long as you want it to.
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