Wowwwwwwwww. 5 years.
You start out with a promise of forever. And when it ends, you think that everything you ever believed in is a lie.
How else can you account for that pain in your heart? How else can you explain why things have gotten this complicated?
When forever doesn’t last, what other societal promises will crush you next?
I remember lying in bed the next day, the certainty of our marriage being over tying my body to the bed like an anchor. The heaviness I felt seeped through me into the floor that was holding the bed and into the ground that was holding the building, all the way to the core of the earth. There was no picking me up at that point. I had reached a state of “rock bottom”
But the bottom wasn’t because my ex-husband had left our marriage. No. In fact, if I could sieve out all the different emotions I was feeling at the time, there was a huge sense of relief that was all jumbled up in the mix. At least we had an answer, one I had been waiting for, for many months. At least now I knew, I could start to move on.
Of course, the actual moving on took a lot longer than just that moment of relief, but it wasn’t the hardest thing to do in the 3 years since.
What devastated me the most was the knowledge that I had wrecked the train.
If my life were a train, getting married laid the tracks to a path I didn’t want to go on. So why did I swerve that way? Why did I betray myself, and when did the betraying start? It certainly didn’t begin with me saying “I do” to a man I barely knew.
When did I start fucking up?
It was a big mystery I needed to solve.
5 years ago, I could easily tell you what dress I would wanna wear to my wedding, why I chose that bouquet of flowers, and why we had a boat wedding. I could rattle off our “5 year plans” of moving to the US and having children, and tell you why I loved my ex-husband. I could rationalise what a good career would be, how to do financial planning, and what was important to watch out for during our house renovation. I was deeply submerged into a world….playing a character that became so after 26 years of surviving in a glass society – where every movement, thought, and action was and is heavily influenced by other people around us.
I could give you answers like an A.I. would because it had previously been instructed to do so.
But if you asked me what made me excited….If I had to answer questions like “What’s your purpose in life” and “what do you think about love,” there would always be a small little prick into my consciousness to tell me something was wrong. There was always this sinking feeling in my gut that was trying to get my attention. “Jane, you’re spiralling. Jane, wake up”
I was a walking machine who wasn’t in touch with her soul.
I was so competent at being a “member of the society,” but I had no idea….who Jane felt like.
As children, if we are taught that we have to earn our worth, happiness, and love, it places a seed inside of us that’s watered by fear.
I was running around getting a degree, a decent wage, getting married, all because I thought I had to. I thought I needed to pass all of these levels in order to play the game of Life.
The game of Life only lives in our minds as mental constructs.
When our marriage ended, I thought to myself – well, where did I go wrong? And why am I losing at this game?
It took a while….to learn. That you don’t lose or win at this game. The entire point of life is to realize you’re not a character in a game that was designed for you. You ARE the game master of your own lifestory. And everyone is playing their own unique game. 1 that lasts for a lifetime and will most definitely end.
There is no winning or losing in this life – only to experience. The point of the game is to learn some valuable lessons, yes…..but the point is just to enjoy the game. It is a privilege to be seated in the game master chair. To be able to co-create an experience that can be enjoyed in this 3rd dimensional reality.
Life is all about having fun.
And so if you’re struggling through something right now, perhaps a divorce or a loss or any kind of grief. Know that this is a huge opportunity for you now.
To wake up.
And let your existing life fall to pieces. Let it impode. Let the world as you know it…shatter into pieces. And don’t you dare pick those pieces up. Fuck that. We’re leaving those remnants behind.
When everything is gone, and you now realize that life will not make you experience anything you can not withstand, you will feel the pain. And you feel the entirety of it. But YOU decide that you feel it. Because we all know we can deny our feelings. So if you’re feeling the pain, it’s because you’re allowing it to happen, which is good. It’s a big step.
Feel the power of the pain, and then feel how much more powerful you are for holding it. You are the space that is able to encompass the emotion.
Just sit with it for more than 3 minutes at a time. Eventually the brain gets bored and you will start noticing other thoughts. This pain doesn’t last. The mind might get addicted to the chemical release it feels from pain and so might get you to relive painful moments over and over again. But know that the pain passes. I promise you. Hang in there. The hanging is torturous in itself. I know. I know it is. If you had to hang from a monkey bar for even just 5 minutes it’s an agonising time. Which is why you have to now instill discipline into your life.
Discipline to start a morning routine. To eat. To shower. To care for yourself as you would a patient who is traumatised.
Discipline will help pass the time. It will turn the seconds into days and the days into years. Because you are focused on something else other than your pain.
3 years on…and I am the happiest I have ever been. My life has changed so dramatically in ways I never could imagine.
Just don’t give up. Don’t get complacent. Don’t pick up the pieces of your old life and start building one that looks exactly like the old one. Your world shattered for a reason. Find that reason. Pull on that loose thread. Because of all this reckoning is coming from somewhere, from a voice, a desire, an intent.
The worst thing you could do is not to survive this. It is to go back to a sleeping state and not wake up from your living hell. Use this energy to transform.
I will see you on the other side.