These days, I find myself in funny conversations.
It’s been 6 years since I was 25. But it feels like many lifetimes ago. Since the day I decided to make the stupidest decision of my life, it has been death after death after death.
My human self has gone through so many transformations, if only to shed the many layers of conditioning and come back to my Self.
“Yeah I know, can you imagine….me? A wife? And of a fighter pilot as well?” I stared at my friend G and we burst out laughing.
I have no idea who that Jane thought she was trying to be, but I feel only empathy for her, and also kinda embarrassed that her life was full of delusions.
It’s kinda sad, though, when I think about her and realize how unhappy she used to be.
“But don’t worry, your ring was bigger than hers” I sometimes hear my ex-husband’s voice ring out randomly. That sentence was somehow the single most important fact I needed to hear, to realize what kind of a shit hole I had dug myself into. The fact that he had chosen that line to “console” me showed me that I had married an absolute stranger. How could he have ever thought I cared about a stupid ring? Or that I care about material things at all?
We were truly strangers to each other. And yet, at the same time, accomplices.
I read ‘convenience store woman’ and couldn’t help but feel exactly like the protagonist. Someone who denied her own interests and caved in to live with a man who made her feel horrible, only to appease what “society” wanted of her.
How many of us live life like this?
Every time I think about this, I thank God I never had children. That I now have the freedom I will never again take for granted.
Then, what now?
I don’t know.
I have no idea what will happen.
And I like that 🙂