In navigating the breakup, I’ve been observing the emotional roller coaster my human body is taking a ride on.
Every day feels different, and every epiphany brings me that much deeper within my psyche.
Meeting Marco again, under that full moon light, provided another layer of closure for me. I thought my heart would ache more after seeing him. I thought the smell of him would cause me to miss him after more.
I thought that seeing him would make me wish we were back together. But it didn’t.
I thought that my role in our relationship was the choose him – over and over again. I thought that maybe if I created more space for him, that he would be able to hold my space for me.
But then, when I said the words aloud ” I choose marco, and I will wait for our paths to cross again”. A still small nudging from Jinger within me went “hMMMmMMmmM” Okay maybe not that small, she had the kinda face where you know the answer to the quiz but you don’t wanna spoil it for your friend so you semi grimace.
“I don’t choose Marco?” – I suggested. And her eyes widened a little, as if to suggest something.
“I choose….” I wait for the words to form in my head.
“Even if Marco and I don’t ever find our way back together, even though we love each other and don’t ever know how to be together….it’s okay.
It’s okay because….I choose Me”
Jinger clapsed her hands together and gave me a small knowing smile. And my entire body heaved into tears. I cried. For a good few minutes, I wasn’t crying for Marco anymore. I wasn’t crying because I missed him, or wanted to be near him. I cried for myself.
That moment of awareness – is something I want to immortalize forever.
“I choose me. I will always choose me.” I repeated to myself in the mirror, and as I watched myself ugly cry, my eyes shone brightly as I stared back at my silly human being.
I choose me. I choose not to betray myself anymore, by settling for less.
That was the lesson I always had to learn. To not betray my soul’s journey by compromising and settling for relationships that don’t propel me further, but hold me back with the trade off of “I tried”
I choose me. What an amazing time to be alive. And how happy my foremothers are now to know that finally – someone is breaking generational patterns in finding her freedom.