Growing up, I got so used to putting my emotions aside because my mum’s emotional needs were always bigger than mine. I learned to self regulate my own emotions by just putting them aside, and not acknowledging them.
My body is so hyper alert and sensitive to someone else’s emotions, simply because it was trained to do so.
And now as an adult, I see it in the way it’s so hard for me to say no. In fear of hurting someone, in fear of them going away. And then when things get overwhelming, I either retreat and avoid confrontation until I explode, turn numb to my emotions and abuse myself unexpectedly, or on serious occasions, just completely shut down with depression.
I wanna learn how to regulate my emotions better.
How to say no
How to pause and check in with myself. Before I say yes to meeting someone’s parents before I’m ready to, or sleeping with them, or saying yes to a threesome even though I was completley not ready to (lol)
31 years old. You would think I know myself well. But i’m really only beginning to get to know me. Because I’ve neglected myself for so long.
I feel all at once, still like a baby, and yet also a 40000 year old soul.
Is there a universe in which my mind, body, and soul, exist in peaceful harmony? Can I go live there for a bit?