Mummy, I forgive you

Therapy taught me that many of my triggers, fears and emotional trauma came from my mother wound.

My mother almost died after giving birth to me. Half of her placenta got stuck in her womb and 14 days after I was born, she started bleeding out midway while breast feeding. My dad was at work and my uncle rushed her to the hospital.

“There is a 50-50 chance of survival since she’s lost alot of blood” the doctors told them.

My mother survived.

But because she nearly died, and went through such a traumatic event, her unconscious mind started to train her to emotionally disconnect with her daughter – me.

“Raise her in a way so she will never need you. Raise her so that one day if you die, she will still be okay” her Not self mind told her.

So my mum, not having the luxury of therapy, being born in an era where women were still expected to get married, have children and while at it, work and earn an equal wage as men, listened to her unconscious mind.

She raised me by giving me materially what she thought I needed, but she also raised me at an arm’s length. Mostly to protect herself from facing any guilt of one day having to leave me.

Over the years, Mum started gaslighting, projecting her fears on me, emotionally distancing from me and yet still making me feel guilty for not being a good enough daughter. I learned that to earn her love, I had to be good at studying. I had to excel in all the things she put me through – piano, roller blading, guitar, speech and drama, abacus, art, windsurfing, diving. I thought that mum wanted me to live out the life she never had. And so I did. I raised myself to live better than her, think better than her and I told myself “never be like mummy”

It took a long time to finally do the shadow work and realize that the solution to our problem was not finding blame or fault. But showing compassion.

Compassion to mum who didn’t know how to deal with her big emotions.

Compassion to myself for not knowing how to deal with my mother wound.

It took effort, alot of honest conversations, and an active intention to heal and forgive. But healing my mother wound has changed everything. It’s helped me realize where my negative attachment patterns stem from.

How I define love.

How I show love.

How I react to triggers.

I forgive you Mummy. And I know that you’re trying. So let’s work together and move on from the past. So we can enjoy whatever present we have left.

I told her.

And now is the beginning of many beautiful things that will come 🙂 all starting with compassion.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: