Of course I miss you but

Of course I miss you

But can I also say how much I’ve missed hearing my own still small voice?

Letting you go is not as difficult still. As searching for that small voice within me.

Of course I miss you but can I also say how proud I am of us?

We needed to expand our hearts when we first met each other, and boy did we do that. We loved so fiercely and completely, we were infinite in the finite moments we lived in.

Of course I miss you but can I also tell you how since the breakup, life has shown me how equally important friendship is? We often value romantic love more than friendship, but my friends have stood the test of time, and are still standing by me. I appreciate them so much more now that I’m older and I feel now that female friendships are so sacred.

Of course I miss you but can I also say how excited I am to be solo travelling again? I can make plans to Korea, Japan, Australia, Costa rica, I can choose to sail or hike, run or swim. Can I tell you how honoured I am to be alive as an Asian woman now rather than just 50 years ago? How privileged is feel that my foremothers paved the way so I could have choice and independence?

Of course I miss you but can I also lament that you never used to hold me quite the way I needed to be held? It wasn’t a you problem, it was an us problem. We thought we fit together so well, but think about it. Really think about it. We were like puzzle pieces that almost match, but have that one sneaky side that just wasn’t right. How I craved to be held and how you craved to be understood.

Of course I miss you but I am happy only if you are. And sad whenever you are. You were my whole heart, and now that my heart has expanded, you will always occupy a part of it, along with the rest of the universe who’s important to me. You will always have a place in my heart. And we will always have our memories.

Of course I miss you but

We don’t live in the past nor in the future. And at this present moment, even though there is pain, there is also joy. There is wonder, excitement, fear, and courage, all rolled up into one messy body of mine.

Of course I miss you….but.

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