The sweet silver linings

It’s been almost 2 weeks. And can I meekly say….I’m really starting to enjoy this breakup?

Of course, every morning I wake up with a kind of dull ache in my heart. Sometimes it happens randomly as well, when a memory crosses my mind, or I smell something or eat something or basically just breathe.

But that’s grief speaking. It isn’t regret, or torture. It’s just love that can’t go to a person anymore and so it turns into sadness.

As much as I remember the good times I also remember all the times I was left unfulfilled. All the times I caught myself thinking….do we really fit? Are we really compatible? Or am I just in this relationship because it’s safe and comfortable?

I never figured it out during our relationship. But I remember all the times I held myself back from something, because I prioritized the relationship. Doesn’t everyone have to do that when you’re with someone though?

Sure, of course. And I never really did need to sacrifice anything. I could have always gone to do those things. With or without him. And that’s maybe one of the lessons isn’t it?

I have to stop making the relationship become my personality. Not that I was, but I got complacent. I didn’t really go do the things I wanted to, or pursue certain dreams I had. I got lazy.

The breakup – whether it happened by providence or not – is fuelling me to really live my life. Make your own decisions, Jane. What do you wanna do? Where do you wanna go? Why does something make you feel alive while another thing bores you to death?

Now is the chance I get to live with me fully and completely. Now is my opportunity to be with myself. Undisturbed. And I’m gonna enjoy it for as long as it lasts.

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