i stand there with my arms dangling by my sides, looking like an idiot.

idiot with idiot arms. idiot heart. idiot mind.

it takes another 5 hours to process everything. by now my mind is such good friends with grief, it speeds through the grieving process and wants to express pass to the acceptance ride of this journey.

the body knows better though. and it keeps my heart in pain, kind of like when you’re studying for A levels and the anxiety you feel about not doing well is a constant hum in the background of your life for 2 years. it doesn’t go away, the pain. my heart only lets me breathe for a few hours, and then the pain resumes.

of course, within the mix of emotions also comes a sense of freedom. can pain and freedom go hand in hand? i don’t know, you tell me. you’re the universe that created all of this stupid life.

they say our lives are meant to be God experiencing itself – in all its range of emotions, capability to love and to know oneself.

well, i’m kinda tired playing this game. can’t we just jump out of it and switch over to the next game already? but i guess, from your viewpoint, time and space doesn’t mean a thing. it’s like in the movie interstellar, all the seconds and minutes of a lifespan all stacked up next to one another.

you’re enjoying this though aren’t you? i can hear you laughing.

it’s not spite i feel of course. i’m grateful. i just resent you slightly at the same time. but only because i’m in pain.

fine.

i know we’re meant to learn certain lessons.

so i’m learning.

i’m soaking it all in. and learning how to constantly change my thoughts into reality. what we think becomes.

what we put out will be what we receive. and i know it takes work. i’ve been lazy, relying on a safety net to pardon me from the work i know i have to do.

so i wake up every morning now, and choose my thoughts wisely. i choose how to spend my time (mostly alone). i choose to send out love to my enemies. kindness to the people i love. and courage for the ones i have not yet met. i choose all of these things, because i know deep within me, i now feel all of this pain that people suffer from, only because i’ve also explored those depths of my heart.

agony is now a friend, sorrow a mentor, and pain is fuel.

it’s funny no? how all of our emotions are just bags of energy. they’re not solid, liquid, or gas. they’re electricity. they’re currents. they’re…..heat, and light. they’re fire.

i used to feel so much fire within me. now, i hardly feel the heat anymore. i’ve given up i think, learning how to control my energy. or maybe, my fire is just tired and she’s taking a nap. one thing i’ve never been able to do.

i wanna be someone who can nap.