There is a quiet stillness when you can feel your own power, quietly stirring within you.
This year, anger transformed me. The more I allowed anger to seep into my bones, the more I was able to shed layer after layer of the old conditioning.
And with that power comes an intuitive knowledge that anger needs to be quelled. The hardest thing to do is not allow anger to manifest into horrible actions. It is much harder to deal with your own anger and still find peace than to lash out onto people who don’t deserve it.
Anger aside, I also experienced a whole new sense of self and knowledge. It was as if, almost overnight, I had downloaded another lifetime’s worth of wisdom and lessons. These memories don’t live in my consciousness, but have built me a self-esteem so strong that I seem to have been reborn.
I don’t understand a lot of things yet. But I also know I awakened many times this year. And with every awakening, I have more and more clarity. Clarity about my own purpose and an ability to see through people. To really suss out their heart and feel…..if they have good or bad intentions.
It’s an ability that has to be honed, and so I will become more reclusive next year. Next year will be a time to recuperate even more from the emotional abuse I suffered from you know who. I recently heard they’re having a child. God bless this child. May God grant this child a peaceful childhood and a strong heart and that they may bring happiness to their parents.
Love is always the answer. Never hate. But sometimes people choose to grow hatred in their hearts because the hurt they suffered before was too hard to bear.
Usually, this is because they had parents who didn’t know how to love them the way they needed to be loved.
People often ask me why I talk more about marianne than Gideon. I don’t know why. Gideon is easy to figure out because I knew him. And he is a simple creature. Marianne isn’t. She is something else. I suppose I’m kinda curious as to why she is like this. And also, why she wanted to hurt me so much. But I’m probably getting ahead of myself because my sources say she is as mean to others as she is to me. I wonder what had happened to her once and whether love can cure her virus.
I don’t think Marianne quite understood what it meant to prod and poke me. She probably wishes she never got involved in my failing marriage. She sobs about not having privacy and being exposed of her deeds. I don’t understand that mindset. It’s like when you kill someone in private, get caught on camera by the neighbour and blame him for exposing your crime. Only she didn’t kill me and also couldn’t succeed at threatening me into silence.
How do you keep running from yourself like that? More comfortable living in the shadows and hiding from the world? Either way, I dont owe her any privacy because she never cared about mine. I don’t owe her anything, because she never gave me anything. In fact, what I really owe her is a glimpse of my fury. She would marvel at the Palace that’s been built in her honour within me. I have so much anger that was stirred up because of her that her face is now placed on a throne in the Palace of fury in my heart.
If marianne is worried and wants to install another security footage or move home just because she thinks I will hurt her. She need not worry. I am not her. I don’t think like her. And I’ll never act like her. What she fears is a reflection of her own thoughts and is evident of how she has been treating others. Summoning up lawyers, bringing people to court to threaten them, and then, like a coward, backing out last minute because she didn’t intend to follow through on her empty threats. So much weakness. And so many attempts to use private words to scare me.
I will never be like her.
Because unlike her, l know how to control myself and not behave like a trigger fish when in mating season.
Unlike her, I will never allow hatred to supercede love within me.
What Marianne doesn’t know is how hard I try to love her, even though she doesn’t deserve it.
And that is the greatest gift I will ever give her.