Human Design: Finding a blueprint

“Jane you’re so stubborn and it’s so hard to talk you out of things” – was a constant complaint I would hear from people.

“Jane, you’re so critical of yourself, you have to let things go”

“Jane, why are you so easily bothered by things that don’t concern you? Why do you care?”

“Jane, I just want to talk casually with you, why must every conversaton be turned into a discussion over serious topics?”

For 30 years of my life, I heard these things about me but couldn’t explain why I felt these impulses were written into my DNA.

Of course, there were good things even I would acknowledge about myself as well. Like my tenacity. My drive. The way I always want to be a better version of myself. The way I have now learned, after so many years, to just say “I agree, you were right” (took me a lot to learn this but it was so worth it)

People give so much credit to “Princesses” and “Angels” but they don’t realize that everyone has good and bad within them, and it’s impossible to be perfect.

I strived so hard to be “perfect” all of my life, and my divorce taught me I didn’t need to be. I’m NOT perfect and that’s NORMAL.

Learning about the Human design system has helped me so much. It’s shown me insight into why I am the way I am, and how I can express my inner thoughts better. I’ve got so much to share. Human design also explained to me why my life seemed so “complicated” even though it was never in my path to lead that life. I was in fact, manifesting into a false self ever since I took the easy way out by trying to fit into society.

Just wanted to document the beginnings of yet another learning journey. ✨️

Anxiety attack

I’ve been doing well at work. And I know it. I’m proud that I’ve been doing well despite so many challenges.

But I couldn’t stop the anxiety attack that still came after two whole weeks of stress.

To make things worse, certain triggers came up and emotionally, I felt really weak as well.

The difference now….was that I became immediately aware it was an attack, and not reflective of my true self. It was scary dealing with anxiety.

I didn’t feel like myself anymore.

I felt like my thoughts were controlled by anxiety, telling me things I knew weren’t true and yet felt real because the conditioning is strong.

Then, I had a dream. D and I met up in my dream. We were friendly with each other. He told me the truth for once. That he knew it was a mistake marrying me. And that he never really did love me. It was all a show.

He told me he was sorry for lying to me all throughout the relationship, even marrying me just because he thought it was the right thing to do. I told him it was fine. Because I probably didnt want to marry him either. It wasn’t just him who messed up. We both just made wrong decisions.

In my dream, I said to D. Please take care of Marianne and your new family. Don’t fuck up and not change your life. Be good to them. Be good to yourself.

I woke up. And for some reason, I felt like myself again. Anxiety was still around but at least she let me lead the way now.

Documenting this because it feels like it takes a lifetime to understand ourselves. It also takes reminders to shake us out of our funk sometimes.

Life is so beautiful. Life is good. And especially now that I’m studying Human design, I also know that life is faithful. And that we all have our unique capabilities to be human.

My speech changed from a perfectionist’s tone to a more logical one. I reasoned with myself. And calmed anxiety down.

The next time anyone has an anxiety attack, practice this.

1. Close your eyes and take 5 deep breaths.

2. Open your eyes slowly and point out 3 things you can see, 3 things you can hear and 3 things you can feel or smell.

3. Then ask yourself, are you in danger now? Look around you and really ask yourself. Are you in danger? In fact, you’re probably safe. You feel it? Do you realize you’re in a safe space?

4. Now, imagine the thing giving you anxiety. Now find the root source of that. Follow the breadcrumb trail and figure out when you once felt this emotion. Sit with that emotion for a little.

5. Honour that story. Acknowledge what happened in the past that made you feel this way. Be aware of how your past self felt and wasn’t given the chance to emote or express.

6. Express for your past self. Move your body. Find ways to express how you felt. And then give your memory a proper burial and grieve over it for as long as you need.

7. Journal. Do art. Take a walk. Run. Read. Write. Do whatever it takes…..for your anxiety to slowly put its guard now. Drink water. Get good rest. And I promise you in these 20 mins you will feel calmer.

Sending all my love.