Human Design: Finding a blueprint

“Jane you’re so stubborn and it’s so hard to talk you out of things” – was a constant complaint I would hear from people.

“Jane, you’re so critical of yourself, you have to let things go”

“Jane, why are you so easily bothered by things that don’t concern you? Why do you care?”

“Jane, I just want to talk casually with you, why must every conversaton be turned into a discussion over serious topics?”

For 30 years of my life, I heard these things about me but couldn’t explain why I felt these impulses were written into my DNA.

Of course, there were good things even I would acknowledge about myself as well. Like my tenacity. My drive. The way I always want to be a better version of myself. The way I have now learned, after so many years, to just say “I agree, you were right” (took me a lot to learn this but it was so worth it)

People give so much credit to “Princesses” and “Angels” but they don’t realize that everyone has good and bad within them, and it’s impossible to be perfect.

I strived so hard to be “perfect” all of my life, and my divorce taught me I didn’t need to be. I’m NOT perfect and that’s NORMAL.

Learning about the Human design system has helped me so much. It’s shown me insight into why I am the way I am, and how I can express my inner thoughts better. I’ve got so much to share. Human design also explained to me why my life seemed so “complicated” even though it was never in my path to lead that life. I was in fact, manifesting into a false self ever since I took the easy way out by trying to fit into society.

Just wanted to document the beginnings of yet another learning journey. ✨️

Anxiety attack

I’ve been doing well at work. And I know it. I’m proud that I’ve been doing well despite so many challenges.

But I couldn’t stop the anxiety attack that still came after two whole weeks of stress.

To make things worse, certain triggers came up and emotionally, I felt really weak as well.

The difference now….was that I became immediately aware it was an attack, and not reflective of my true self. It was scary dealing with anxiety.

I didn’t feel like myself anymore.

I felt like my thoughts were controlled by anxiety, telling me things I knew weren’t true and yet felt real because the conditioning is strong.

Then, I had a dream. D and I met up in my dream. We were friendly with each other. He told me the truth for once. That he knew it was a mistake marrying me. And that he never really did love me. It was all a show.

He told me he was sorry for lying to me all throughout the relationship, even marrying me just because he thought it was the right thing to do. I told him it was fine. Because I probably didnt want to marry him either. It wasn’t just him who messed up. We both just made wrong decisions.

In my dream, I said to D. Please take care of Marianne and your new family. Don’t fuck up and not change your life. Be good to them. Be good to yourself.

I woke up. And for some reason, I felt like myself again. Anxiety was still around but at least she let me lead the way now.

Documenting this because it feels like it takes a lifetime to understand ourselves. It also takes reminders to shake us out of our funk sometimes.

Life is so beautiful. Life is good. And especially now that I’m studying Human design, I also know that life is faithful. And that we all have our unique capabilities to be human.

My speech changed from a perfectionist’s tone to a more logical one. I reasoned with myself. And calmed anxiety down.

The next time anyone has an anxiety attack, practice this.

1. Close your eyes and take 5 deep breaths.

2. Open your eyes slowly and point out 3 things you can see, 3 things you can hear and 3 things you can feel or smell.

3. Then ask yourself, are you in danger now? Look around you and really ask yourself. Are you in danger? In fact, you’re probably safe. You feel it? Do you realize you’re in a safe space?

4. Now, imagine the thing giving you anxiety. Now find the root source of that. Follow the breadcrumb trail and figure out when you once felt this emotion. Sit with that emotion for a little.

5. Honour that story. Acknowledge what happened in the past that made you feel this way. Be aware of how your past self felt and wasn’t given the chance to emote or express.

6. Express for your past self. Move your body. Find ways to express how you felt. And then give your memory a proper burial and grieve over it for as long as you need.

7. Journal. Do art. Take a walk. Run. Read. Write. Do whatever it takes…..for your anxiety to slowly put its guard now. Drink water. Get good rest. And I promise you in these 20 mins you will feel calmer.

Sending all my love.

I wanna show you real life

I like writing about good and bad times. Both equally interesting to me. Mundane moments of life are for rest and when I’m resting, I don’t feel like writing.

So I call out emotions from my subconscious whenever they get triggered, and I write a story based on how those events made me feel. And how I feel towards those events change very drastically depending on which version of my Self is experiencing the emotions again.

Sometimes, I still get freaking disgusted by the way I used to behave at a young age. Then my current Self remembers to show empathy to my younger self and say, but that taught you this. And you’re better off now because of it.

Sometimes I forget to take stock of how amazing life is. And then I meet someone who’s just starting to travel and is 1.5 weeks into their one-way ticket journey and I remember how unreal life seemed back when I first decided to solo travel

The point is, how we feel about things will change. Because the self changes. And often times, we feel multiple emotions at once. It’s just that every time you call out a memory, a single emotion dominates and we have to give it attention and acknowledgment. Once it got to say its piece, it’ll settle down and you’ll know part of you is healing.

I highly encourage you to have conversations with your Self. It’s a great way to uncover your own secrets and deepest thoughts.

An open letter to Marianne: The most powerful emotion is empathy

Marianne, I count my lucky stars when we met.

I have asked myself again and again why you dwell in my subconscious.

I ask myself why you come to me in my recurring dreams – always crying.

I don’t know you at all as a person, but a teacher disguised as You came to me so often, I had to first pull down that mask to discover the true lesson. And you have taught me an important lesson. That the most powerful emotion in the world is not actually love, but empathy.

The greatest “good” in the world is only as powerful as the greatest “evil”. But what exactly is good and evil? They are only but strongly opposing emotions, unable to agree on the agreed upon rules.

Empathy is powerful because having empathy means knowing both sides. She isnt all knowing but because she chooses to understand, she allows both strong opposing forces to flow through her. Empathy allows us to acknowledge both sides of a coin, both dark and light, yin and yang.

Just as showing and receiving love is something we can choose to do, once we learn how to, showing empathy is uqually the same.

Yes we are not only as good or as bad as our actions but we can also decide to act differently precisely cause we embody both good and bad, and that’s how we are supposed to be.

Alas however, it is still important that we choose our actions wisely. For when it comes to our karmic patterns and following our soul’s purpose, It’s not who we ARE but what we do. And everytime we betray ourselves by reacting disproportionately and unfairly to events, we lose a part of ourselves and forget slowly who we are.

We have to remember we are all completely capable of both “good or bad” thoughts, intentions and emotions. Because, at the core of us, at the centre of us all, is not only love. Its pure energy projected into actions, motivated by intentions. And intentions matter, because they govern our actions.

What we think is good or bad is too simplistic by nature. We are such complex beings.

Black and white are different shades of grey. And you have to realize that within us, exists both postive nd negative pulls.

People are BOTH shadow and light.

By now, Marianne, I understand now that the You I often keep in my subconscious may not really you, but it’s Me. Because I don’t really know you, do I?

Your actions just reminded parts of me I hadn’t been in touch with for a long time.

The anger I had against you, was really just directing my attention to my past. Not just trauma that belongs to me. But intergenerational trauma belonging to my mother, my mother’s mother and my ancestors before.

Marianne, I hope you know by now, you’re just reading about my experience as any reader would, unsure about what I’m actually trying to say. Those who know, will know. Those who understand, will understand. And for those whose these words will awaken, they will.

I have so much anger towards what you did to me, but I know that love and hate lie on the same spectrum, and by hating your actions I’ve also learned about the shadow side of my self. Because of your hateful behaviour towards me, you showed me how important it is that I work on true forgiveness and embracing my shadow.

This lesson matters so much to me, because I always knew I found love overrated. But true love can only come from true empathy, and so in a way, love still is a powerful emotion. Yet without ever having experienced true love before, it’s difficult to understand how to love or be loved.

How do we experience true love?

We touch base with ourselves, and as cliche as it sounds, we can easily tap into pure love, by looking within. Meeting you has taught me so many important lessons. That we CAN cultivate love as a natural resource within ourselves.

Especially as women, who hold womb power within us.

Marianne, there’s nothing to forgive.

You’re just on your own path and I am on mine. We’re two people on our own karmic paths having to right the wrongs of our ancestors. Go your way and be set free.

What is a Self?

When I was younger, I was often confused because people were always confused by me.

I look asian, that was for sure, but because I didn’t look very chinese, nor did I look malay or eurasian, people around us were often puzzled and took it upon themselves to solve the mystery of the hour, “where does she come from?” “what race does she belong to?”

Why people behave like this is another topic altogether, but their actions and thoughts towards me and my brother often made me ask myself too – “Who are you? Where do you come from?”

These 2 questions have accompanied me, and I take it as my mind’s way of not letting me forget my eventual purpose in this life.

The awareness that a Self exists and might be different than how it’s presented was expounded when my cousins and I used to watch Disney shows and I would relate more to Ariel the Mermaid, than Mulan the only Chinese “princess” in Disney movies.

If I am not the sum of my interests, likes, dislikes, am I then the sum of my thoughts, words, and actions?

While continuing the journey to find this Self, many things have happened. I have “betrayed” her multiple times – the first time by going to university even though I didn’t want to, the second time when I chose to stay in Singapore to pursue a career I didn’t necessarily find interest in, and the third when I got married to someone I didn’t even like but knew I felt love for.

I used to think it was a betrayal when I made these decisions but I’ve recently realized these moments in my life weren’t failures – they were opportunities for me to experience the highs and lows in life in a much shorter amount of time than not.

The reactions and emotions I went through while experiencing these life events WERE the actual point of the events, not the fact that they happened. I needed to be brought back to intense emotions because before that, my life was a fucking grey piece of shit. There were no colours, only different versions of black mixed with white. It was terrifying, and life was giving me CPR to bring me back to life.

While I was going through the healing process, I remember realizing that the actual Self is the “third party” going through all of my memories of events, determining the cause and effect of those emotions/reacts. It was also the Self who then decided, what I was to make of them. How do I want to learn from the past? How do I want to move on into the future? It was when I was happy with both my answers that I was able to BE in the present.

Learning about the Human design, jung’s archetypes, and understanding that there is a distinct Self identity for all of us to eventually ‘remember’…..has been a huge turning point.

A big part of life has to be spent interrogating ourselves about the Self’s identity and purpose. If not, life will repeat itself until the lessons are learnt.