When my ex-husband left our marriage, he saved my life. My divorce was the little green devil that pushed me off the cliff and cheekily asked me “are you in control of life or have you just been a lazy spectator of it so far?”
I was on such a self-destructive path, losing sense of self more and more with every bad decision I was making. “Marianne” was right. I didn’t want to be married and yet, I said yes to marrying a man I hardly knew and barely liked. Regardless of his actions, I made a mistake when I agreed to get married. I wasn’t ready to, and I sure as hell didn’t know what I wanted in a partner. I wasn’t sure of myself and I couldn’t envision who my inner child was.
Marianne was wrong most of the time, especially when she was projecting unto me, but I’m glad I wrestled with my ego enough to admit she was right about enough things. After the anger passed and the ego calmed, I listened to her words objectively and sought out the truth for myself. I knew the truth bothered me. It was like a feather held gently right next to my face, irritating enough to cause me daily unrest, yet not enough to push me into fight/flight mode.
I’m eternally grateful that while traveling, someone taught me the concept of the “Feather, pillow, truck” analogy. For people who are so disconnected with their Selves, life before a certain age, tries to help them out.
First, it sends multiple obstacles, instances where they’ll feel anger, happiness, sadness, guilt, to tickle them into being aware. Sadly, when we become so fixated on pre-conditioned ideals of who we’re supposed to be and what we’re meant to achieve, we become accustomed to suppressing our reactions to events. We get used to denying ourselves our genuine thoughts and emotions about things. We start trying to convince ourselves that there’s a list of things we don’t deserve to have and are incapable of accomplishing. We get lost in chasing success and happiness, as if these are the real trophies in life to win. We forget that in life, you can think to yourself that you’re winning but you won’t experience victory until you find the Self that can truly enjoy the power that indivualization can bring. Seeking our Selves is a lifelong endeavor and the journey towards that IS the direction, the continual versions of the Self that we meet with IS the prize.
What a neverending movie our lives can be like, should we let go of control. Why would we curse artistic death upon life by envisioning how it can turn out, by flipping to the last chapter prematurely, or looking up spoilers to see how the end might come?
So while setting out to heal, I was acutely aware of the need to let go of control. It also became imperative for me to confront my darkness. Not even to show it compassion unnecessarily. Just to come face-to-face with it, as boxers would at the start of a fight, or as you would when you first meet your kindergarten friends. I knew I had to meet my darkness as an equal, not as an entity to “conquer”.
I knew that if I didn’t confront the sides of me I hold shame for, the next lesson Life was going to throw at me would hit like a truck, not as a feather anymore.
Carl Jung once said “You are what you do, not what you say you’ll do”
I willed myself to focus on my own actions, my own thoughts and from there, seek a better understanding of my Self.
The revelations. Countless of rebirths. Numerous incidents when my mind connected with my heart.
The chance encouter of meeting Jinger (my inner child now grown into a teenager probably) and truly experiencing who she is, then remember that she is me, and I am Her.
The realization that relationships in our life have different purposes, and understanding what Carl Jung meant when he famously said: “The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: If there is any reaction, both are transformed”
It’s been SO SO SO fun. Life is fucking fun now.
And I want you to experience it. So I’m creating and writing. And I won’t give up until I create something I can leave as my contribution.