many things to pen down.

oof i haven’t done this in a while. and just yesterday, while writing the scooter home, i thought about the many times i wrote about my anger. and told myself to pen down my feelings of boredom too.

for what felt like an agonizingly long amount of time, i remember feeling so angry, hurt and depressed.

i remember feeling that heavy block of burden slowly lifting too. i penned down that moment of transition.

i’ve always wanted to show you the raw, un-edited parts of my journey. my journey towards healing inner child wounds, healing from a toxic divorce , healing from generations of anxiety/depression/oppression. i’ve always wanted you to see me as a part of you, and feel supported by my progress.

so it’s only right that i show you what boredom now feels like.

i don’t know of which stage this is – but boredom feels very much like indifference.

it’s like when you open your high school/secondary school year book and you remember the people you crossed paths with then. bestfriends you had. the kind of hair styles you wore, clothing you dressed yourself in, and attitudes/perspectives you picked up as a result of peer pressure. you remember the You that lived through that, you even remember how stressed you were while preparing for exams, how heartbroken you were when you first got betrayed, how vulnerable you felt when you first got bullied. but you feel indifferent to it now, because you know you’re not the same person anymore. you’re not the you…..some 15 years ago.

i’m at that stage now.

able to look back at the last few years and heartily laugh at the funny things, able to appreciate how hard it was for me to drag myself through the healing process and succeed, able to view myself and all of my past mistakes/regrets with compassion and say “you’ve learned from them, they don’t define who you are”

sure, i am still grieving for some things, grieving for a few friendships i’ve lost. grieving for some of the people whose feelings i absorbed and carry with me. but i’ve come to realize that having this heightened sense of empathy is a part of who i am. it feels very much like if i had a past life – that i was a village leader, or a healer, or a nurturer of some sorts. coming to care for people regardless of what they’ve done comes really natural to me that i feel it’s almost impossible for me to shut my empathy off. i see people and even without them speaking, i sense their pain, whatever the cause of it. it’s so natural for me to pick up the cues, their body language, the way certain words hang off their lips, the way their eyes dart to a zone of denial – as if they’re trying to shove that memory into oblivion.

i’ve come to accept that like every one else, i have a set of gifts that i have denied exploring. a set of gifts i didn’t feel was so special, because i never felt special.

the point is – no singular person is special. none of us really are – but if you look at us as a species or an individual. collectively, we can do wondrous things, and collectively as energy, we’ve made amazing things happen – all to experience life better.

the realization that i am not more or less special than the next person gave me some comfort. and so now i’m free to focus on how my gifts can be of help to someone else, just as their gifts are helpful towards me.

you know what i like about the idea of helping?

when done with true intention, it’s a beautiful act that comes from a “conscious” decision. the act of it reminds us that truly, we are just made up of energy, all equal perhaps just divided into seemingly unequal bodies to host the same source of spirit.

i used to think i was crazy for feeling like that but our 20th century world gifted us Carl Gustav Jung, who has shaken us with his views of the human mind that are in perfect agreement with the discoveries of Quantum Physics. and now i don’t think i’m alone in my way of feeling any more.

when we lead with thoughts, we’re limited by the knowledge we’ve accumulated (painfully lame and limited) but when we lead each step with how we FEEL (connected with our knowing, that feeling in your gut, that awareness of how it makes you feel at peace)…things are different. the veil is slowly lifted bit by bit

so anyway, the difference between being depressed and being bored is great. for one, i don’t have thoughts of un-aliving myself any more. i’m aware that my existence is what it is. no pressure to figure out “the point of existence”. the realization that the identities we give ourselves are up to us to accept. we don’t need to be any one we don’t feel comfortable being. we don’t have to give ourselves any labels that don’t appropriately describe us. we get to choose….who we want to be and to whom we want to matter.

it feels like i’m on a train….or am playing a game/simulation, and i’m not quite sure where the end goal is. and then i look across the space and see people enjoying themselves, doing fun things, and i say “hey that looks fun! i wanna try that”

it feels like that now. chasing what’s beautiful and joyful in life. chasing what can help me grow inwards. chasing no “right” path just whichever path i’m more curious about, more interested in. like when you’re picking a netflix show, and your choice is dependent on how your day went, how tired you are, who you’re with, and whether you even want to watch something or just have background noise.

life feels like that now.