this world is cray

i read the other day, a good way to deal with worry.

and if we just ask ourselves 2 questions, we’ll find ourselves immediately less worried.

  1. Is our worry justified? Is the matter at hand truly happening or are we making conclusions or assumptions based on our anxiety?
  2. If our worry is justified, can we do anything about it? If so, after having done that, is there anything more that we can do?

More often than not, many of us are plagued with worries that are neither truly happening or/and are out of our control. Sometimes, when we do have a legit cause of worry, just do all you can to fight the fire, and then after, practice saying to yourself “the outcome of this event is out of my control”

I know that the anxiety doesn’t just magically poof! go away after saying this, but that knowledge alone should bring some peace. After that, you’ll have to find a list of things to do that can help with your anxiety.

For me, breathwork, meditation, long walks, a chat with my therapist, or doing art, usually works wonders.

Sometimes, people do write to me on Instagram or email, telling me about their marital problems and/or their desire to become a digital nomad.

I find that most people don’t actually want to be nomads, they just want to escape from whatever reality they find themselves in (that’s hard to face at the moment) and nomading feels like the next best thing to do. I know that for me, traveling was definitely a form of finding space to heal and my reasons for nomading have little to do with my healing process.

I had coffee with someone recently. Her marriage is suffering because after 14 years and 2 children, her husband has decided that he doesn’t love her any more. He had recently switched industries and is now constantly surrounded by attractive women, and she suspects that he’s cheating on her, which is why he wanted an out from the marriage.

Another lady I met told me that after 8 years of being in a relationship, she realized she and her boyfriend are just too different, and broke off their engagement before deciding to pursue her dreams of traveling around the world.

I’ve heard so many different stories of heartbreaks and break ups but they share common strands.

The one who’s left behind is usually left with a question of “what did I do to deserve this?”

The one who leaves usually says “i decided i didn’t love them anymore”

But the outcome is usually that the breakup was better for both parties.

The issue is the lack of communication. That’s what many couples lack. It’s not surprising when all of their communication has been leading to misunderstandings, fights, and these things can drain people very fast. It often leads to either party/both parties setting up boundaries against each other, slowly emotionally retreating from the relationship, leading them to wonder why they deserve such emotional distance.

I think any relationship deserves accountability and some sort of closure. But life is unfair, because who decides what fairness is? And for whom can it be fair? If it’s fair for one party, it’s usually unfair to the other. Unless both people can clearly see that a breakup is ultimately a good outcome for everyone. Sometimes we will never find the reason why someone suddenly changed tune or perspective. Did we know 5 years ago, that we would be where we are now?

I know that healing is hard. And the road has many bumps and holes, sometimes even a simple pothole can disrupt your healing process. I know.

I won’t even lie and say it gets easier, because maybe it’s only gonna get tougher.

What I feel nowadays, is that an object, a memory, a person or even our own lives, will only have meaning when we give it meaning. We are the ones who get to attach identities/purpose/meaning to objects, people, and life. Why do we call anyone anything that doesn’t really exist? Our blood relatives aside, any one else is just a person to us. Our boss suddenly doesn’t become our boss anymore when we quit our jobs. Our best friend changes when we shift through phases in life. Our enemies change when we no longer disagree/ are indifferent to each other. Our spouses can become strangers when the marriage is over. Our own identities are all kind of chosen by ourselves. Who we want to be, what we want to do.

If I started yelling at you in a language you don’t understand, you wouldn’t be offended by my words.

If one of us is colour blind and the other is not, they wouldn’t be able to communicate in terms of colour. How one perceives Truth is completely personal and subjective.

You can either see your suffering as a type of pain that is determined to hurt you, or you can see pain as growing pains, meant to elevate you.

*This doesn’t apply to people suffering from mental illnesses.

I know this writing is not structually logical. But nowadays, I don’t see things the same way anymore. Sometimes, everything makes sense. Sometimes, nothing does. That’s the thing isn’t it? Once you realize that so many things are just social constructs, it fucks with your mind. And you have to start from scratch again, to find your own truth in the midst of the crazy messy world.

free to be me

Nowadays, when my triggers are alerted and my trauma-beaten mind is fired up, I remember all the things my ex did to me and all of my pain soars up to the back of my throat again.

I open up my drafts and write and write and write, viciously pinning down detail after detail of what he did to me, letting myself feel all of the rage.

Then when I’m done, I read through it calmly, and I shove it into the drafts folder.

Our mind, when traumatized, brings us back to the crime scene to investigate every single little detail, so we can ultimately solve the big question – who is at fault? who is to blame for this crime?

What healing does, is peel away layers and layers of expectations and hurt until we start finding peace with the way things went. To say, ah well, the starting point was all wrong, the direction was set in the wrong way, and so of course, things had to go south. To realize, every small action leads to a consequence, either big or small, and neither one of us are the ultimate culprits because we are both 100% at fault. When 2 people get together, it’s 200% of our energy/actions/thoughts that we’re responsible of, and when things fall apart, we’re equally responsible for the way things happened.

When my ex and I got married, I wasn’t the person I am now.

I used to be very reactive to things out of my control. Because of childhood trauma, when placed in a situation that happened outside of my parameters, I would quickly get into a fight/flight mode and start solving problems that may or may not have been mine to solve.

The burden of needing to fix everything was inbuilt in me since young and it definitely tore at our marriage. I know there were other better ways I could have handled our arguments. I think deep down, beneath his words and actions, he too feels like he could have handled our separation better.

These days, I don’t feel the rage so strongly like I did before. These days, I find myself in boredom, kind of numb actually.

It feels like I went on a candy tasting spree, tried every flavour from bitter, sour, sweet, vicious, vile, anger, embarrassment, sadness, depression, joy, gratitude, and now my tongue is all numbed out.

I’ve experienced enough to know that they’re all on the same spectrum of feeling something. And now I’m indifferent to literally so many feelings/thoughts. What’s the point any way? There’s nothing to do about anything. Nothing would change the past, even the deep past.

All we can do it look around the bend, flip the page over, and start a new page. Collect new highs and lows. Experience adrenaline. Do stuff. Make stuff. Cry more, feel more….just live.

Not as a new person, but as a me who has spent the last few years dedicated to peeling away layers that weren’t me.

I find myself wanting to empathise more. Not to trauma bond, or to overly depend on people for comfort or positive energy any more, but just really empathise (i remember a younger me always saying i don’t understand how they feel, i can sympathise but not emphatize). In a funny way, going through trauma dropped me to such depths of despair I now recognize pain and so can emphatise.

I find myself practising how to let go of control. Not to wanna control the outcomes of a bad situation, but to hold space for people around me, including myself and realize that people’s actions and thoughts are wholly theirs. We are only responsible for our own.

I find myself excited and curious to learn new things.

I feel like someone who’s been given a new set of eyes, a fresh pair of legs, and a brand new attitude in life. I feel like the caterpillar has emerged out of the coccoon, and now that the growing pains have lessened to a minimum, we can now fly.

Fly through new lands and over seas, fly beneath clouds and over mountains. I’m excited to know what my inner child wants to do, the person she wanted to be. And I’m gonna take her all over the world now that she’s set free.

Free… be me.