the woman who just wanted love (2)

‘Mar’ was brought up by a strict father. None of them were ever good enough in his eyes – simply because they were daughters and not sons.

She was the middle child, sandwiched between Marissa and Melanie. Marissa, the eldest of the 3, was 3 years older than Marian. From a young age, she learned to play to her father’s tune and did everything he wanted. She studied law, became the top lawyer in a firm and before 35 was made partner. Somehow, she also managed to marry a successful businessman and together, they have two sons.

Melanie is 2 years younger than Marian and chose instead to plunge herself into medicine school. At 33, Melanie is one of the brightest upcoming neurosurgeons in Singapore. Her career achievements has helped distract her father from the odd fact that she has never had a boyfriend – or that she’s not interested in men for the matter.

Marian was always the one who didn’t know what she wanted in life. She did well enough to get into business school and after that hopped around different companies until she joined her current firm where she’s been for the last 6 years. She may have made it into the direction position but she hates her job and stays in it because it’s the only thing her father would ever praise her for.

As a child, she watching movies and wanted to become a film producer. But her father told her that film school was a waste of time. “I didn’t work this hard for you to spend 10 years trying to make something of yourself only to realize Singapore doesn’t do kindly to film producers,” he had said.

So instead of pursuing what she was curious about, even before she could find out if she would be any good at it, Marian buried all of her creativity and ability to be excited to pursue what would make her father happy.

What about her mother?

Mrs Wong married Mr Wong when she was 24, and left her parents’ home straight into her husband’s home. She never made it to university because her parents only wanted to pay for her brother’s education. Instead, they made sure she could sew, clean, cook, and serve her husband well. So Mrs Wong’s duty was always to her husband. After giving birth to 3 daughters and 0 sons however, Mr Wong barely ever looked in Mrs Wong’s direction and she felt for many years she was just tolerated, not loved. What could she do though? Her entire survival depended on her husband’s favour and so she learned to suppress her needs and desires, including turning a blind eye to the extra-marital affairs her husband has never tried to hide over the years.

“My joy in life is the 3 of you,” Marian’s mother would always tell her. And luckily for Marian, her mother’s love has always been more than enough to make up for her father’s coldness towards all of them.

She never knew a man’s love….until she met Him.

10 years ago, while Marian was on holiday with her best friend, they met a boy.

His name was Joshua.

And Joshua was the love of Marian’s life.

Ep. 49 “Hey, Gideon”

This is a piece of autobiographical fiction. Space and time have been rearranged to suit the convenience of the book, and with the exception of public figures, any resemblance to persons living or dead is coincidental. The opinions expressed are those of the characters and should not be confused with the author’s.

This story is written as an example to anyone who wants to believe that we are more than the patriarchy deems us to be, more than our limitations, and more than our fears.

[In a parallel universe]

23rd December, 2029. Singapore

We are at that restaurant you like in East coast – Smokey’s BBQ @ Joo chiat

It’s been at least 10 years since our marriage separation, 7 since we last had contact with each other.

You’re wearing a white shirt again, with khaki berms, and you’re smoking on whatever newage device they have in 2029.

Your hair is still the same as always and you’re wearing an expensive watch – one that’s more suitable towards your mid-life preferences.

You’ve put on quite a bit of a belly, but you look healthy, strong, calm, and contented.

– “How have you been?” We both speak at the same time.

– “How old are they now?” I ask

– “1 is 6 now, and the other one just turned 3” you tell me.

– “Cute ages! Clarissa’s kids are also around the same age” I tell you excitedly. We exchange photographs.

You show me the photographs of your children, and I show you the hundreds of photographs I have with my good friend’s children.

We eat. You order a plate of ribs with a side of fries and a pint of beer. I order a plate of grilled vegetables with a side of garlic bread.

– “You order garlic bread now? You used to tell me it was a waste of money” You ask me with a small laugh.

– “Living in Europe for 3 years can do that to you. You start believing in bread religion. I once went 40 days without eating rice. Can you believe it?” I say. We both laugh.

In our voices you can hear how much we’ve grown – not just in age but the way we talk. Our words are now driven by self-confidence. Our pauses, sighs, laughs, and nods all show signs that we’ve matured so much more now.

– “You know, Jane. I always wanted to tell you this but y’know, you’ve always been the wiser one…..

– I’m really sorry. Truly. For everything that happened between us. I’m really sorry.”

I let your words seep into my being and I allow my body to take in your words. I push my mind aside for a bit and I feel the sensations within my body, letting them tell me how I truly feel.

After a deep certainty of feeling only happiness, I look to you and smile.

– “I can’t lie. Marrying you was the greatest mistake of my life.” And I look straight into your eyes – dead pan.

After a few seconds, I start sputtering laugher and we both break out into fits. We’re laughing so hard we’re crying. Your head is thrown backwards towards the sky, you clap your hands hard as you do that. I bend forwards clutching my gut because the laughing is making my abs ache. We’re sharing this moment of pure joy, putting aside all the bitterness that’s left unsaid, the anger that once filled us with hatred, the sadness we both caused our families, and the unforgiveness we didn’t want to cede to each other.

For those few moments of laughter, we became of one mind again.

And that’s when I break out of laughing and struggle to keep a straight face while saying

– “No but seriously. I’ve learned so much about myself and found my direction in life, all because of that mistake we made.”

You straighten up a little, upon hearing my words and we both get ready to have the discussion we’ve been waiting to make all evening.

– “Gideon. First of all, I really need to acknowedge your apology. Thank you for that. For a good 3 years after we separated, that was all I wanted to hear from you. I just wanted you to admit you lied to me and truly apologize for it.

——– Neither of us say anything.

For all the things that have happened, I just wanted you to acknowledge your actions. Because I was really trying to do that for myself. But you know, that’s where I went wrong. I shouldn’t have imposed expectations on you. Especially not when we were already separated. ”

– “Hey, thanks for saying that by the way. The whole pressure, expectations thing. I might have once, okay haha many times, made you feel like you expected alot from me. But I also want you to know that it wasn’t just you I thought this about. I thought this about everyone around me. My mum, my bosses, my dad, friends, people around us. I grew up being conditioned to think I have to live up to expectations of me, so yknow – anyway. Continue please.”

– “Ah okay, I guessed but didn’t wanna assume. Anyway yeah, I know that I expected alot out of our relationship and you. I know now, that it was because I was expecting so much of myself, and I didn’t even know how to show myself empathy – let alone you. I just really loved you, yknow? It’s been years and I know how I felt. I loved you Gideon. Not in the way I should have, because I always loved you more as a friend instead of a romantic partner, but I loved you so much and just wanted you to be the best version of yourself.”

– “I loved you alot too Jane. But yeah, just like you said, not in the romantic way, more of as a friend way. I’m sorry I lied to you about how I felt. Honestly, at that time, I had no idea what Love is. I hadn’t experienced before, how true love feels like. So, i really did think I was marrying you out of love.”

– “No, I get it. Love is a complicated concept. People always think there are different kinds of love, like we just categorized them. But yknow, sometimes I also feel like Love is just a kind of feeling. Like happiness, sadness, anger. You can make someone feel love by doing nice things for them, caring about their needs, listening to them, you know, the various love languages. So yeah, I do believe you can love many people but not be partners with them. Cos you know, a life partner is more than just someone you love, it’s someone you’re compatible with.” I say to Gideon.

– “And my….were we uncompatible……” Gideon says with a sly look on his face and we both start chuckling again.

– “Oooofffff, come on. We had such a dramatic past together. It’s insane. I felt like our real life was a Netflix show and I wanted to go back to the day we met to check if we had agreed to create a netflix show idea instead of dating.” I lay a hand out infront of you on the table, my eyes in wide disbelief.

– “You gave me such a fucking hard time, Jane. I had to deal with Marianne being so anxious, my family being disappointed with me, my work getting sloppy because of stress. My God. I was really having the hardest time of my life back then. But you know what, that was also when I decided enough was enough. I was done with you. I was done with my past. And I wanted to rebirth. I wanted to just clean out my slate and start afresh. Because it was too hard to think that my life was tainted just because of one mistake I made. So, I’m also saying that I understand you were giving me a hard time because I had given you such a fucking hard time back then. I’m so sorry.” Gideon puts a hand on my arm while still shaking his head.

Your touch on me sobers me up a little. And I feel your energy pulsate through my veins. A worry passes my mind.

– “By the way. How are you in life? How are things? Everyone happy and healthy?” I ask with a suspicion on my mind.

– “Er…..” I see you hesitate, your eyes blanking over as you calculate the risks and rewards of telling me the truth. In the end just before your eyes glaze back, I see the real message for a fraction of a second and know enough.

– “You know. Life is hard. Life is always full of ups and downs right. But no lah, everything is good. What matters most is that we’ve got family around us to support us. We’ve gotten alot closer to my cousins. Marianne is good friends with them as well. I’m also really close to her family. We’re very happy to have such a supportive family system.” You tell me.

You smile at me with your eyes, genuinely and sincerely. And I realized this was the first time you had ever held my gaze for such a long time. You were finally ready for me to look at your truth. You were finally 100% your authentic self infront of me.

I look at you and consider you for who you are now, ignoring all of our past, all of our words exchanged, even the fact that we once got married. I look at you with a stranger’s pair of eyes and I smile back at you.

I feel only a quiet confidence within you that you have grown since our divorce. It’s mysterious to me and confirmation I never truly knew who you were back then. You were just hiding so much from me back then I never got to see who you really were.

Infront of me stands a decent guy. A guy who has made mistakes, like anyone else has. A guy who once decided to turn his life around. To stop letting his past wounds manifest into his false self. A man who loves to take care of his family and whose family cares for him too. A good, contributing, honest man as valued by society.

As we say our goodbyes and walk towards our modes of transport – yours, a mercedes but a family-sized car, mine – an electric car small enough to seat just 2 – I ask myself how I feel about you and your life now.

I feel nothing.

Really? I ask myself.

Yeah, nothing.

And then I asked myself how I felt about myself.

Immediately, the answer came. I felt so happy! So happy I was able to express myself in a safe and honest space. So happy we were able to have a decent conversation even after so many years. And so proud that we were both able to put our differences and history aside to show each other politeness and gratitude.

I drive back towards Tanjong pagar and park behind Duxton hill.

I walk towards the bar, a bartender raises her head at me and calls her boss.

My beautiful friend Jasmine looks over in my direction and comes gives me a hug. She then points me to where my friends are sitting at. And my girl friends and I order some drinks. We talk, we laugh, we hug, and I’m basking in the beautiful day of love.

Love amongst friends. Where good friendship is rooted from.

the woman who just wanted love

Fictional storyInspired by true ones

Marian is pregnant. She holds the ultrasound in her fingers and paces around the room. “What would he think?”

Adam comes into the room and she quickly sits down on the couch, pretending to flip through Netflix shows. He puts his pilot cap down onto the table, walks over to the mini bar and takes out a can of beer. Then he casually sits down beside Marian, puts his arm around her and sighs tiredly. “Long day – the flight was delayed and so the passengers had to sit in the plane for 40 mins. So many complaints. Sometimes I feel more like a bus driver than a pilot,” Adam confides in her. Marian nods her head up and down in an effort to hide her nervousness. But it doesn’t escape him.

“What’s wrong, baby?” Adam asks while sweeping her baby hairs out of her face, a sweet gesture she had always liked him to do. Now however, it was just making her even more uncomfortable.

She pauses for a minute and internally panics, somehow she has a deep pit of discomfort that’s rising up like bile from her gut to her throat. Still – she has to tell him. She has to tell him so he would finally decide.

“I’m pregnant,” she says out loud and her mind takes a moment to register the words that have escaped her.

“Fuck,” she thinks to herself but reels herself to watch his expression.

“You…you’re what?” He says, in a pitch higher than normal.

“I’m….um. Pregnant?” She hates that she has to repeat herself.

Immediately, Adam stands up and starts taking long strides around the room, one hand on his left hip and the other one massaging his temples. It sure doesn’t look like he’s happy about it.

Marian feels her throat clamping up and swallows once to try and push the dryness out of her throat. Her palms are sweating and she can feel her heartbeat rising. All at once, memories of her father telling her she’s not good enough invade her thoughts. “Not. Now.” She pushes them out of her mind.

“Will you say something?” Marian asks.

“Uh. I’m sorry to ask but before I say anything, I just need to ask – is it…is it mine? Are you sure?” Adam says, with a hopeful look on his face.

“What do you mean? Of course it’s yours. I haven’t been with anyone else since we met.” Marian can’t believe what she’s hearing. How could he even ask her that?

“I’m sorry, I just – I mean – we never said we were exclusive. I mean we never had that conversation. I just thought – but no okay,” Adam flails around with these words.

Adam and Marian met at a sex party. Marian was seeing another guy before, and Adam has a wife – a wife he still hasn’t left even though since 6 months ago, he said he would.

They have never been public about their affair. Adam always said that as a pilot, he couldn’t risk being caught in any scandal. It didn’t matter that Marian herself was a director of a fund management company – their privacy was of utmost importance to Adam because of his career.

“So? What do you think?” Marian asks Adam and she registers somewhere in her mind that this is the third time she’s asking.

“I can’t. I mean. A baby? I just can’t, my wife would be completely devastated.” Adam finally spews out.

“Your wife? Didn’t you say you were going to divorce her? What’s going on, Adam” Marian understands where her anxiety was coming from and feels horrible that it was justified.

“I know, I know. I was going to tell you – but I can’t leave her so easily Mar. I tried. She won’t let me.” He sits down beside Marian and takes her hand in his. “We’re going to go for marriage counseling. I was going to tell you soon. I promise,” he continues.

All of a sudden, Marian’s world starts fading out, Adam’s face is spinning slowly at first….then very quickly and in less than a minute, Marian has passed out.

When she comes around, it’s not Adam she sees but Betty – her best friend. Betty is putting a cold compress to Marian’s forehead while talking to her husband Craig. “I didn’t say MindChamps is definitely better, I’m just saying I think we should consider it. Don’t get your panties in a bunch, just do what I say and sign up for their trial session – I gotta go, just handle it will you?!” Betty hangs up when she sees Marian waking up.

“What happened Mar? And why was Adam’s face so pale when he left?” Betty asks, helping her friend sit up and arranging the cushion to fit behind her back.

“He left? Fucking asshole” Marian said.

“Yeah, when he opened the door and saw me, he mumbled a bunch of things and just left in a hurry, he didn’t even take his cap,” Betty said, gesturing to the prestigious Singapore Airlines pilot’s cap on the table. “I don’t know what you see in these pilots honestly, they’re just atas bus drivers,” Betty is pouring herself a glass of wine from Marian’s fridge.

“How can you say that? Your husband is a pilot,” Marian says as she fingers around her head and finds it – a single bump is forming from where she hit the ground.

Ya, and that’s why I know how useless they are. Can fly a big plane around in the air but cannot complete simple tasks like making an appointment, tsk. Sometimes I really wonder if he’s playing dumb or really dumb,” Betty says in her usual singlish accent.

Marian laughs lightly, and then turns to her friend somberly, saying, “he panicked Bets, he said he’s gonna work on his marriage. I think I fucked up again.”

“what do you AGAIN?” Betty’s eyes widened.

“I may or may not have gotten myself pregnant again…..this time on purpose.” Marian says bashfully.

“WHAT THE FUCK MAR? Wasn’t the last abortion painful enough?! How could you be so stupid to get yourself pregnant AGAIN?!” Betty yells, spilling a little of her wine on the couch.

Marian quickly soaks a cloth with Vanish and starts rubbing the stain off – it’s too late.

“I wasn’t thinking properly. We had just come back from celebrating my promotion, he was being so sweet. And I just thought…maybe if I were to nudge him a little, he would leave his wife and be with me. So, I lied to him and said I was on the tailend of my period and that it was impossible for me to get pregnant. As soon as he came in me, I started to panic but Bets!! I don’t know. Is it crazy that I don’t regret it?”

Betty’s mouth is agape and she’s staring at her crazy-ass bestfriend. “You’re fucking insane,” Betty says. “What are you going to do?”

“I’m going to get him to choose me. I’m going to tell his wife I’m pregnant.” Marian says with conviction.

“Mar….is this really about Adam? Or is this about….You know.” Betty starts but doesn’t dare finish her sentence.

“Don’t say his name.” Marian closes her eyes in denial to what Betty is suggesting. “Just, don’t”

The slivery memory is from 5 years ago but Marian remembers it like it was yesterday.

They were sitting on the beach, facing the waves when suddenly, he comes up behind her and whispers into her ears, “Mar…I want you so bad.”

The words linger and echo around, his salty lips hovering over her neck…..

“Stop,” Marian snaps her eyes wide open, forcing herself out of the memory, caressing her belly.

“This time, it will be different.” She promises herself. “This time, we will be chosen.”

its easier to give up

my head is pounding. it’s 4.24pm and i’ve been crying for more than an hour now.

i’ve told him i can’t go. i just can’t. i’m not emotionally capable of climbing a temple with god knows how many steps and be around with cheerful people when all i want to do is cry. i actually WANT to cry. because fuck me. this has been long time coming.

i lost her. i lost someone who was meant to love me forever. and i lost her. i’ll never get over it. it’s my mother’s curse all over again. she had a best friend and they broke up in their 20s. it’s been more than 20 years and my mother is still not over losing her best friend. i don’t want that for me. but what the flying fuck.

in the parking lot, my mother cries to me. and i can’t. i just can’t. i’m brought back to when i was 9 or 10, i don’t even remember. and i just feel once again, that i’m responsible for making her feel better. i’m responsible for her emotions and so i have to suppress all of my own. this time, i let it all out. i tell her how it felt as a child, to have an emotionally distant and emotionally unaware mother. i tell her the truth about how i never felt she understood me. i tell her 3 times in different ways until she understands. and i don’t care that it hurts her. because i want my words to sink in. i want my mother to know how much it hurt me as a child.

i’m crying so much my head hurts. it feels incredibly heavy.

after an hour of trying to sleep, i text rella.

she asks me to separate the ego from the self.

i tell her my triggers are on high alert today and i’m having an episode. she tells me to note the triggers and notice the common theme.

“fear of abandonment. feeling like i’m not worth the effort. feeling like they’re going to walk out on me as they always do”

“what does your ego want out of you feeling this way?” rella asks

“my ego wants to feel like it’s right, like all of my reasons for feeling insecure are justified. it wants to tell me I TOLD YOU SO”

“yea, it’s easier to put yourself down, isn’t it?” rella asks and she continues by prodding me “how strong do you feel you need to prove it wrong? how much of a fighter are you? it’s YOU against your Ego”

“i wanna prove it wrong so bad, i wanna fight it” I cry even more as i’m saying this. i want to punch my ego in the balls and beat it to a pulp.

“Notice the EGO is powerless and that YOU ultimately have the power? it’s not your job to make anyone else see you. it’s your job to see yourself first. when you are able to love yourself truly, and not abandon your needs, nobody else can abandon you. the only commitment others can do for you is to be there. ” rella continues

this is it ladies and gentlemen. this is true life.

in the moment where i’m fighting against my ego. because it might be easier to give into my ego and let it defeat me.

but i don’t do easy. so fuck you ego. i’m taking back my power.