I neither reject nor accept your bitterness
How can I? It is not mine to reject or accept
But I see your bitterness and have tasted the dish that gave you that lingering taste in your mouth
I know how much you want to rinse your mouth with sugar, spice or just some ice to
numb the bitterness that has now developed an acidity on your tongue
It spreads doesn’t it? It’s spreading to the back of your mouth, to the space between your mouth and your lungs, it’s called the throat I think
And there it stays…….
No matter how much water you drink, alcohol you consume, drugs you force down into your system, that horrible blackhole of a feeling stays…………….and lingers.
Not even as Pain. But as Sorrow.
From Sorrow, it develops into anger….and the anger starts feasting on everything that once made you happy. Days pass…then weeks and now full moons have risen and fallen.
Yet this lump in your throat just doesn’t go down.
“Mama, it hurts” you turn to her and say. But she looks at you with empty eyes and says “My child, my back hurts more”
“Papa, it hurts” you pull on his shirt and point to your throat. But Papa is too busy asking Mama why she’s neglecting him.
So, instead…You retreat.
And you take a big piece of Acceptance, the same size of your Anger and force this great big ball of Dry……….Bitter………….Shit down your throat.
Now, it’s your stomach’s problem
And soon, it will be digested and transported to the rest of your body. You have just fed yourself a big ball of Anger Shit.
How will I even begin to accept this on your behalf? Even if you’re begging me to?
If I do so, I am not your friend nor your foe. I am a stranger who sees you suffering right next to me, and the stranger who goes “Hey, how’re you? Good I’m fine too. Cool. Cool. Cool. I have to draw my boundaries now, Bye!”
If I do so, I am being indifferent to you.
And that is something, I swore never to do again.
So my dear………..I neither reject nor accept your bitterness. For it is not mine.
But I hold you in a warm embrace. And become the walking stick you need when your legs suffer from the Shit that has taken its power. I become the tree you lean on for comfort when your concrete jungle suffocates you. I become the river you swim in just to feel mildly weightless because your body can no longer hold your own weight. I become the oxygen mask you use when your lungs have crumbled because of the Shit you’ve slathered them in.
I hold you while you digest the bitterness you’ve fed yourself. And one day, I’ll clean them out of your pores, wipe them away, catch them, dig them out, scratch them off.
One day………..when you finally realize I understand. Because I know.
I hope you’ll still remember the You who knows where to find Me.