“What does it mean to Vibrate higher??? ?”

October 2021, I wrote this in my journal. I was so so so angry. Angry with my ex. Angry with the situation. Angry with myself. Angry with all the negative things that had happened in my life.

My therapist Rella, would help me through all of my frustrations. And in almost all of the sessions, she would tell me to “vibrate higher”

I was in such a state of fury and even though I noted her advice down, I was thinking in my head the whole time. “How the fuck do I vibrate higher? When all I can think about is harming myself or ending my life?”

In times of helplessness, when the magnitude of emotions becomes so tremendous, one person can’t possibly deal with all of it. They either choose to hurt/harm others, or they do it to themselves. They abuse substances, they abuse their loved ones, their emotions manifest in small or big ways. The more they feel close to someone, the more they take it out on them – because they feel like they can (either because they take them for granted or because they feel safe enough to be vulnerable)

The more I surrendered to the process, the more the process took me through what felt like a century’s worth of lessons.

I faced alot of my past – experienced and felt the shame, the guilt, the agony, the pain, the sadness. But I also once again, relived the happy, the joy, the love and the relief.

I started having flashbacks of memories I had kept, locked inside time capsules that were frozen deep beneath the ground.

From only remembering all the lies I was fed and injustices done towards me, I was confronted with how toxic my behaviour was at certain times during my marriage.

I remember nitpicking on small things.

I remember feeling unloved and making a big deal out of unnecessary things.

I remember kicking up a fuss about stuff that probably caught him off guard.

I remember blaming him even though he did try to be better.

I set an intention – that after letting my inner child trash around and letting her fully express her emotions, I wanted to transform. I didn’t want to be stagnant and be the same as who I used to be. I vowed to become better. If not for me, the people around me.

So instead of hanging on all of the anger and hurt, instead of replaying all of the scenes that cause my heart to hurt, I now focus on my own self. To forgive. To grow. To love better.

Very often, I would still think of the past and my mistakes would haunt me. If only, if only, if only? But when I catch myself doing that, I take a deep breath in and say “let it go, you don’t need to know the what if, because it doesn’t exist anymore, just focus on what after”

And so, I’m happy to report that my depression has come and gone. And though I know depression can come back anytime, I also know that I beat it twice. From feeling depressed and suicidal, I started setting aside all the things that would rile me up and focusing on things that make me happy.

I spent alot of time with my family and friends, I started learning new things. I dedicated 3 or 4 times a week to exercising and practising handstands. I tried coding and failed. I started learning options and Marco got hooked on it with me.

Day by day, week by week, my reliance on sleeping pills or substances to sleep faded away. Slowly, my dependence on alcohol is reducing.

Now, I hardly ever get those same recurring nightmares or dreams again. I sleep blissfully and dream happily.

I wanna write this as a testimonial – that it IS possible to Vibrate higher. It just takes practice, dedication and a strong intention. The practice of focusing inwards and shutting out self – doubt and self – destruction. The practice of saying “Yes, I too deserve to be happy. I too, deserve to be forgiven.”

The practice of loving oneself IS in fact the practice of loving others too. Without attachments, without judgement.

Loving ourselves just take a whole lot more energy, especially when we feel like we don’t deserve it.

It’s been 2 years 2 months since the start of my journey, and my Goodness. I’ve come so far. But I’ve faltered so much along the way too. I’ve scaled mountains and dived into oceans. I’ve said Hellos and a ton more Goodbyes. I’ve hurt others and also hurt myself. But I’ve also learnt to let go of anger and learn how to control it more.

So please, don’t be so hard on yourselves. Day 1 can look drastically different from Day 10. Just take it day by day.

You’re a fucking rockstar.