Before the divorce, I had certain uncertainties about life.
After the separation, I had one main focus – to heal. Over the last 2 years, I stayed abroad with that intention and was fueled by desperation to survive.
Depression trawled me through the depths of despair and after accepting many harsh truths I had to face, acceptance came around the bend and relieved me of terrible agony.
I think back on my heavily depressed days and feel almost embarrassed that I once felt so agonized over something so silly as a heart break.
But logic tells me that I was experiencing loss. And because I grieved so deeply, I now know with a strange certainty that I must have really treasured what I had in my marriage once – enough that the loss hit me so badly. No love – no loss.
I had to handle a decent amount of guilt and regret for not being able to hang on to my marriage, not being able to show love as much as I felt. But time has picked up all of those “could have”s and “would have”s and the winds of change have blown them away.
Whether my ex loved me once, or never before – that question doesn’t plague my sleepless nights anymore. The journey full of peril I once forced myself to go on – in pursuit of the truth has ended. It didn’t end abruptly, but rather slowly, taking its time to allow emotions to draw out.
“Instead of love, give me truth” – was what I held onto for the last few months of the healing journey. I just wanted to know the truth. Beyond anything. For I was served so many lies before….that knowing the truth mattered the most. Then again, whose truth would it be? And to whom would it matter? My truth might not be his, and neither does his need be mine.
These days, it doesn’t seem to matter so much anymore. Because once the pain has served out its purpose, it fades away. What was the pain trying to tell me? Why did it hurt so bad? These are some lessons I hold close to my heart.
After the storm has passed, certain realities are coming back into focus again.
I am not the same person I was back in 2019. I don’t think the same, nor do I feel the same.
A friend reminded me of how I used to drink myself to near-death back when we used to hang out together. He knew I was probably going through some hard times but never knew how to broach the subject. After all, on the surface – I had a happy life.
Did I know I was unhappy? I remember – feeling a certain emptiness and searching everywhere around me for an answer. The trouble is that the answers were never close to me. I did manage to find some of them by traveling across the world and spending time in places completely out of my comfort zone. And now I continue searching….while the adventures continue unfolding.
Am I – right now, leading a happy life? I would say that I have no real troubles, but I still seek a source of fulfillment.
What does it mean – to be happy? Someone once said that happiness is not a destination, but a way of life. And that made so much sense to me.
What I feel I want is to be a person who can live a fulfilling life – while helping the people around me find answers to their questions.
I don’t yet know how this might happen but I dream of many things sometimes.
Sometimes I dream of opening a little B&B. Sometimes, I want to organize tours for youths. Other times, I think of opening a small private dining place, where conversations can flow and people can be brought together. When I dare dream big enough, I envision people reading my words – perhaps in a book that I want to write. I dream that they read my writing and find answers to their personal questions, or at least be triggered into thinking about things they don’t normally think of – just like I do when I read.
Dreams are made of bravery and those who dare take action. And if there’s one thing I’ve learnt about myself over the last few years – you don’t get better at something by dreaming about it. You get good at something by doing it.
I don’t yet know where I should go – or how life will turn out. But that’s the fun of it all – finding out where the river flows, just around the river bend.