URLKGA;SLDKJFALKDSJ is the mood that can appropriately describe how I feel today.
Never heard of the word before? Just check the non-existent dictionary in my mind. It’s full of words that adequately sum up how I feel whenever the English language fails at this task.
LKASJLDKFuuiii$%^LSKFJ is the synonym of URLKGA;SLDKJFALKDSJ
Today I don’t even feel like I can write proper sentences. What am I feeling? Anxiety? Fear? Mild anxiety? 7/10 anxiety? 0.09/100 confidence?
A while ago, Ed asked me on IG “have u thought of freelance writing before?” he didn’t know I had emailed in to RICE applying to freelance write just a day before.
A week later, I received an email from RICE telling me to submit some pitches to them.
Today, I held my first few interviews for the first ever article I’m going to write for RICE.
It’s unreal. I think these are the moments that sometimes fly over people’s minds. I should be celebrating. But all I feel is anxiety.
It feels like I’m a ballerina who worked all her life to be the lead in the Nutcracker and she’s finally been chosen. But instead of celebrating, all she can think about is how she needs to perform well and not fall flat on her face during the performance.
These moments can be both crippling and terrorizing.
Instead, I am choosing to embrace these two rather scary emotions, and I’m telling myself, “SO BE IT”
Even if I fall flat on my face, so be it.
I’ve got to start from somewhere.
Just as I was looking for some uplifting message from the ‘universe’ today, I chanced upon Annette Lee’s old blog, particularly this post
She talks about how being an amateur is the way to go because
They (Beginners) take chances, experiment, and follow their whims. Sometimes, in the process of doing things in an unprofessional way, they make new discoveries
I particularly like this reminder that “In the beginner’s mind, there are many possibilities. In the expert mind’s there are few” (said by the monk Shunryu Suzuki)
If you’re wondering who Annette is, she’s a Singaporean singer-songwriter who I follow on IG. I love her work because she’s so true to herself and no matter what work she puts out, she exudes this confidence in her that I’m envious of
I’ve never been comfortable infront of the camera and i always feel awkward in videos. My medium of storytelling has always been writing.
Back to the today’s main rant
I managed to interview three different women today for the article I’m writing and each of them shared so candidly with me about their lives.
Suddenly, after hearing their stories, I feel paralyzed by fear that I won’t be able to write an article that would do them justice.
As the day comes to an end, I find myself worrying about alot of things as well.
Will I be able to write something of value? Will people find my article irrelevant? Will my article even be read by people?
For how long can I keep up this imposter life? Who the fuck is Jane the digital nomad? Will I be able to help the startup I’m working for get off its feet and receive funding? Will more people start buying our courses and will the teachers I’ve helped to recruit be able to get the secondary income they so need?
The list of worries go on and on, almost as if I’d been hiding them in an invisible wardrobe and locked them inside with an invisible lock.
I try to distract myself by burying my mind in a book, a memoir called The Only Girl In The World and fuck me….this memoir is so depressing I cannot read more than 10 pages.
I open up Tiktok and scroll through videos and I want to laugh. I desperately want to find something interesting enough or funny enough. Nothing.
I open up IG and I close it again in a few minutes.
I CAN’T. I JUST CAN’T.
I walk to my laptop and I look outside at the pool. Then I momentarily remind myself.
That I’m in a situation 100% better than I was a year before, a month before, even a week before.
WHY WORRY JANE. WHY WORRY ABOUT THE FUTURE WHEN I’M IN A PERFECTLY AWESOME SITUATION.
STOP EFFING WORRYING SO MUCH.
So I started writing.
And It’s helping.
Does anyone feel this way too sometimes???? Or does someone feel like slapping the fuck out of me to wake me up from this impossible cycle of overthinking and overworrying.
If I buy a package of 10 slaps can you add 2 free slaps please?
Does it work like acupoint massage therapies? The more I bludgeon my mind, the more I agonize my soul, the more “release” I’ll feel?