The right intentions

When I first wrote “29 and divorced”, it took me 3 days to finish all 40+ chapters of it.

Now that I’m actually writing it properly, it’s taking me a lot longer to try and find the right tone for the book.

The main reason is because I want to write this book with the right intention. I don’t want to be distracted by hurt or unresolved anger.

When I first wrote ‘Gideon and Jane’, I was fueled by anger

Why? Because my ex husband and his mistress-turned-wife had sent 2 threatening emails and filed harassment claims against me. A few days before court however, they withdrew their harassment claims but that’s not the point of this story.

When I first wrote the book, I was writing out of hurt and anger. I just didn’t understand how people could do these things. How two people in love could decide to commit such actions.

I also really wanted to stand up to these two bullies. People who basically think they can do whatever they want and get away with it. People who think they can do things without any consequences.

If it sounds like I’m still angry, it’s because I am. But am I just angry with them? Or do I just have repressed anger in general?

Repressed anger.

What the fuck man? Why do you cause people to do things they never wanted to? Why do you have to be so freaking hard to get rid of? Why do you choose to latch onto people’s subconsciousness and cause them to do nasty things they wouldn’t want to do?

I’ve started watching The Office (U.S edition) and the other day,

(45 mins later)

Sorry I got distracted watching Angela and Pam host an episode on the Ellen show. They were promoting their podcast called Office Ladies……..

Yes I have added that to my ‘To Watch’ list

So basically I started watching The Office and became a huge fan. (I’m only at Season 5)

And I’ve honesty become such a great fan of so many characters.

To me, almost every character is beloved but I really did get very amused by Angela’s character, as portrayed by Angela (her real name).

If you don’t know who Angela or The Office is, I’m sorry – but the rest of this story is going to be irrelevant to you.

Angela’s actions …….have always reminded me of Gideon/Marianne.

And I always wondered……..how can someone who loves cats so much….do such mean things?

Recall when Angela two timed Dwight and Andy.

She clearly didn’t care much for either of them but loved the competition between both men. She thrived on their rivalry for her and she loved that they fought for her.

A friend and I were talking about this the other day, and I said “For all the things they’ve done – Gideon and Marianne, I just wonder why they can’t believe there’s goodness in the world”

My friend wisely said “Some people have been so badly treated in life before, that they retreat into their own realities and find comfort in solace and animals instead”

“Is that their excuse, you think? That they were once so bullied in life that now they feel defensive over every small thing?” I thought aloud

“Perhaps. Who will ever know?” Leia tells me

Either way, I’m writing my book and I want to do it with the intention to cause good. That’s also why I found it so hard to write when the anger was still so present. How do you forgive people who haven’t sought for forgiveness before? How do you ask Anger to leave, like the guest you welcomed at first but now has overstayed for far too long?

Who knows, really?

I keep asking myself “are you less angry now? Can you write without wanting to cause unnecessary hurt?”

As Marco and I leave Zagreb, my heart feels better for sure. I can feel my anger subside and in its place, compassion and understanding grow.

Today marks a really important chapter for both Marco and me.

It is the end of an era for him and a new beginning for the both of us.

We plan to travel around the world for as long as we can, starting from Italy.

As we were packing up for the road, I started leaving behind unused things. I already travel with much less than I did before, but still, there were things to leave behind or give away.

It’s the same with emotional baggage. As I packed everything I needed into a 60L bag, I mentally got rid of emotional baggage that I wanted to shed.

I cusped these emotions in my hands, silently thanked them for the lessons they’ve taught me and let them go.

The minute I started Marie Kondo-ing my feelings, I started thinking about the women who have written to me. Women who have had so much injustice done towards them.

I cohldn’t help but also wonder, did unforgiveable things once happen to Gideons and Mariannes of the world?

Is it really true that they were once so rejected by the world, that they learned to put up such strong defences around themselves? Defences that immediately become weapons when they feel threatened and intimidated?

I don’t know the answer, but I’d like to think that they are who I always thought they were. Kind people who have misunderstood so much of the world because they were once misunderstood and mistreated.

In my mind, we are all ought to be treated with respect and fairness.

In my mind, many of us have made decisions we are ashamed of.

In my mind, there are always safe places within communities for us to seek comfort in, for us to seek understanding from.

This world is full of different inhabitants that or who are just trying to survive and enjoy life.

I want to write the book from a place of love and not one full of anger.

So love Jane. Love.

1 thought on “The right intentions

  1. Thanks for sharing your experiences to the world 🙂 I like your quote “instead of love, give me truth”. I think you will find plenty of that in cassiopaea dot org. The world is going through a transformation, and strengthening our souls is an important but neglected task that is necessary to handle the great challenges ahead.

    Liked by 1 person

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