Ep. 38 – ‘I’m so tired from feeling like this. But what is THIS?’

This is a piece of autobiographical fiction. Space and time have been rearranged to suit the convenience of the book, and with the exception of public figures, any resemblance to persons living or dead is coincidental. The opinions expressed are those of the characters and should not be confused with the author’s.

This story is written as an example to anyone who wants to believe that we are more than the patriarchy deems us to be, more than our limitations, and more than our fears.

4th May, 2021 Zagreb, Croatia

Since D-day till now, I have been carrying a load around. It’s been so many months and I still feel so angry. My mind can’t focus on the things I need and want to do.

From my journal entries, I can see myself getting better from November to March.

Perhaps it’s because I had many things to distract me from thinking about my load.

November, my parents came to Croatia to find me. I spent 5 weeks taking them around Croatia. We had alot of fun together but also avoided talking about many things. Some topics – we just can’t discuss. It leads to fights and I just don’t need anymore fights with people. I just want to spend happy moments with them for now.

I went back to Singapore in January and it was so hard to be there. It was so stifling. Not just because everyone wanted an explanation but because it was a site of trauma that I was returning to. The 2 months I had there was so torturous for me. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I felt like I re-downloaded all of the stress that I once had when I lived in Singapore.

I’ve been back in Croatia for a while now, and I’ve been working non-stop since I arrived.

Work is going really well, things with Marco are going super well. I’m living my best life.

So why??? Why do I still feel this load in my chest? In the pits of my gut?

Why do I feel like I’ve been carrying a load on my back? My back can’t seem aching no matter how much I stretch or keep my postures upright.

I do sleep better when Marco is around. But still, I’m tired all the time. I can’t seem to focus on conversations.

I either eat too much or eat too little.

I know that something’s up.

6th May, 2020Zadar, Croatia

I’ve come to the coast to spend a week by myself.

Zagreb is great but I just don’t like the city as much. I miss watching the ocean. I miss smelling the sea.

I just ended work and I’m taking a walk to the cliffs. I have my ukelele, a bottle of wine and I’m going to watch the sunset.

I find a neat spot close to the water and I play the only song I know by heart.

It’s a song I fell in love with when I was 17. I used to make my JC friends listen to it over and over again while we were studying for exams.

I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete

Oh simple thing, where have you gone?
I’m getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you’re gonna let me in
I’m getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I’ve been dreaming of?

Somewhere only we know – Keane

As I play and sing to myself, I watch a couple sitting on a bench in a warm embrace. One of them notices me, smiles and waves. I nod back and keep playing.

There, in the distance, I watch the sun slowly set.

Zadar, Croatia

I think about all the happy times I had with Gideon.

Like when we went bed shopping and tried on so many beds together, finally picking one that we both loved so much. It was the most expensive one but we thought it’d be worth it since we were going to use it for the next 15 years.

When I was hospitalized and Gideon stayed by my side while I went through 7 types of tests and procedures to find out if I had a brain tumor. (I didn’t)

When we used to take long walks after eating dinner at East Coast food center.

When my parents and I watched him perform in the Airshow, National day parade and went for family day at his workplace.

Oh simple thing, where have you gone?
I’m getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you’re gonna let me in
I’m getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute, why don’t we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don’t we go somewhere only we know?
Somewhere only we know

I now know that my mind was just recovering from trauma. An intense amount of grieving needed to happen.

4 responses to “Ep. 38 – ‘I’m so tired from feeling like this. But what is THIS?’”

  1. How about trying sports? I’ve friends that started jogging/running, 5km, 10km, 20km then marathons and then 200km!!! Yes crazy, but during the runs, it took their minds off their personal issues like cancer, depression and anxiety… I cycle, it helps to have something else to look forward to doing (and obsessing over like bikes, tyres, jerseys, where/what to eat after the ride…) and the long rides do help. For me, riding in the rain is one of the most liberating things to do! BUT then, there’s the cleaning and re-lubing of the bike after, oh well lol!


  2. Reflections a year apart.

    That Keane song is so nostalgic.

    August 2021, how’s the load on your chest? How can we as readers share that load with you?


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