Ep. 9 ‘I have to fix me’

This is a piece of autobiographical fiction. Space and time have been rearranged to suit the convenience of the book, and with the exception of public figures, any resemblance to persons living or dead is coincidental. The opinions expressed are those of the characters and should not be confused with the author’s.

This story is written as an example to anyone who wants to believe that we are more than the patriarchy deems us to be, more than our limitations, and more than our fears.

2nd January, 2020

My brother and I walk towards the check-in counter together.

We look very alike, my brother and I.

He has the same heart as me but is way more chill and always has been more business-savvy than me. Because my parents weren’t around, I got him to send me to the airport.

As we arrived at the check-in counter, I notice Marianne standing outside the check-in area. She couldn’t enter because she wasn’t flying. I walk past her and looked straight at Gideon, not even glancing at her – I didn’t want to give her my time of the day. Besides, as much anger as I had towards the both of them, I still had love for my husband. Who was this woman anyway?

At the check-in booth, Gideon and I checked our bags in, along with our two cats.

There was a slight hiccup because as usual, Gideon had messed up the procedures for getting our cats approved for flying. The check-in staff told us that there was a chance our cats would be detained in San Francisco, where we would be doing a layover before reaching Boise, Idaho. We decided to take the risk anyway.

“See ya later, I’m going to have breakfast with my brother,” I told him.

Wearing my knee high boots, black leggings and a white tank top, I catch Gideon glance at my ass for a second before strutting away. He had always liked my booty. For a moment, it felt good, knowing that I still held his attention, even for just a second.

While we had breakfast together, my brother tried cheering me up, “Wah jie, she quite chubby ah, I wonder what Gideon sees in her.”

“Hahaha, it’s not her appearance that he likes, it’s her. She’s obsessed with him and he likes it. He needs it. He also told me that even if he left her, he doesn’t want to deal with the guilt of his affair. He doesn’t want this hanging over our marriage for the rest of the life. He’s just being a coward. Be happy for me, that I’m being set free from a man like that”

“Jie, I just want you to know, that you will always have us. You will always have me, Pa, mum. No matter what happens, we will always be here for you.”

Fuck, don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry. I tell myself.

This moment suddenly brings me back to a memory I have, stored very vividly in my mind.

I had come home late from drinking and was waking up with a hangover. On my table was a note left by my brother. It read:

“Jie, today at 3.42am, I went outside the house because you were making a lot of noise running up and down the corridor. When I saw you, you were looking over the railing towards the ground. I asked you why you were outside and you looked at me blankly and said “I was thinking of jumping down.” I quickly pulled you in and put you to bed.

Jie, please don’t do anything silly like that. I just wanted to tell you that I love you very much.”

I couldn’t help it. In the airport where my brother was sending me off to be with my cheating husband for a week, a single tear rolled down my cheeks.

I felt so sorry to be his older sister. I felt sorry that my younger brother was the one looking out for me, instead of the other way around.

I vowed to myself – to be better. I have to fix my life. I have to fix whatever is fucked up inside of me. I have to grow. I have to change my life.

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