Ep. 22 ‘Why, Why, Why?’

This is a piece of autobiographical fiction. Space and time have been rearranged to suit the convenience of the book, and with the exception of public figures, any resemblance to persons living or dead is coincidental. The opinions expressed are those of the characters and should not be confused with the author’s.

This story is written as an example to anyone who wants to believe that we are more than the patriarchy deems us to be, more than our limitations, and more than our fears.

11th February 2020

Gideon has told me about the security camera that’s been installed outside of his apartment. The one that Marianne installed so that she would know if I were to go back to his place.

“Okay so this is my plan. I think what I’ll do is to disable the wifi….then we go into the house and i’ll turn it back on again so – ”

“No. Stop. We can’t do this Gideon. I don’t want to lie to her anymore. Just tell her that I want to see the cats one last time and that we won’t even be sleeping in the same room.”

“She’s gonna flip.”

“I don’t care.”

“Okay fine. Let me tell her.”

He takes a huge breath and messages her and then puts the phone aside to face me.

“So, how’re you doing Jane? How was your trip to Mexico?”

“It was great, I realized there is alot about myself that I don’t understand so look, about the love letter I sent you. Forget about it – ”

“Yeah I wanted to tell you that my final decision is still to choose Marianne. Sorry about that. I think if I hadn’t met her, I would still be willing to work things out. But the more I get to know Marianne, the more I feel that she’s the right one for me. I really don’t think you and I are suitable for each other.”


Ahem. “I hear you, and I respect that. I was also going to say that I had met someone in Mexico. It was just a fling and it didn’t mean much, but meeting him showed me that perhaps….you and I were never compatible for each other.”

For the next one hour, we talk like friends would. We talked about his work, we talked about my Mexico trip, we talk as old friends would with each other.

It is so strange. For the first time in a long time, I don’t feel angry talking to him. In this very moment, I want to accept that we are truly better off without each other. And so, I speak with him like I would if we were just friends.

But we aren’t friends. Even as we’re sitting here behaving like two friends talking, we’re husband and wife.

Why DID we get married to each other in the first place? Why did I ever say yes to marrying him?

I remember our wedding event – the one on the boat. It was only 5am but I was already wide awake – not from excitement but from stress. I had been planning for this wedding for almost a year and the weather forecast is saying that a storm in coming. On top of that, 15 of his relatives have decided not to come. They misunderstood our invitation and thought that the boat had unlimited capacity. They didn’t know that each invite cost us $230 dollars. We were bound to “lose money” and I was stressed about that. I was so stressed that as I walked to the buffet area to get some coffee, I started crying.

I sat there at 5.30am in the morning alone on my wedding day and all I could think about was whether I was making the right decision.

We hadn’t even written our vows. We were going to wing it. Winging it has been our style since the day we decided to get married. We winged it when we bought an overly expensive bed. We winged it when we decided to splurge almost 10 grand on a balcony that we used less than 20 times. We winged it when we decided to hold 3 wedding events.

The both of us were a classic example of the blind leading the blind.

“Are we really ready to get married?” was what went through my mind as I walked back to the hotel room at 6am, just in time for the makeup artist to start putting on makeup for me.

Sitting in that restaurant, about to go home to say goodbye to our cats, I made a mental note to answer my own question.

Why had I gotten married to a man I barely knew and why did I get married when I wasn’t ready to?

Over the next few months, I would set out on an adventure to find this answer. It was clear to me even then, that I had to take responsibility for my own actions. I couldn’t just blame him. I got myself into this situation and now I have to get myself out of it.

Off to Europe we go then.

One response to “Ep. 22 ‘Why, Why, Why?’”

  1. I think when we make big life decisions like that, we are almost certainly not ready. How can you be really ready for something you haven’t experienced before?

    But the thing about marriage is, it’s a commitment right? A vow you exchange with one another, “for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, til death do us part.”

    It’s a journey of two lives becoming one, and it takes the commitment of both to work at it together and keep working at it no matter how hard it gets.

    Unfortunately, not everyone will persevere and some will take the easy way out, which is to give up. It takes 2 to waltz, so if 1 decides not to waltz anymore, then just change up the dance to a rhythm and beat that keeps you moving until another waltz partner comes along, if it were to happen.


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