This is a piece of autobiographical fiction. Space and time have been rearranged to suit the convenience of the book, and with the exception of public figures, any resemblance to persons living or dead is coincidental. The opinions expressed are those of the characters and should not be confused with the author’s.
This story is written as an example to anyone who wants to believe that we are more than the patriarchy deems us to be, more than our limitations, and more than our fears.
11th February, 2020
After a dizzying and life-changing month in Mexico, I’m back in Boise, Idaho.
2 weeks ago, I wrote Gideon a love letter. One that told him of my intention to work on the marriage if he wanted to. I acknowledged my part to play in the failure of our marriage and I told him to let me know of his decision when I came back.
1 week ago, he messaged me and said, “Marianne is here in Boise, she’s deciding to extend her stay. I’m trying to get her to buy a ticket back to Singapore but she wouldn’t do it until she’s sure you’re not coming back. Can you please send me a fake message so I can show it to her?”
I complied. Because I really wanted to see my cats for the last time and also have a last talk with him. Before I left Mountain Home for Mexico, something happened between us that gave me the feeling he wasn’t quite sure of his decision to leave the marriage. He had also said some things that made me very unsure of his decision.
I just wanted answers. I needed to know if I should start moving on or not.
So here I am, living in a beautiful Airbnb in Boise. The owner has a dog and he’s amazing. The apartment is amazing. It has a big backyard, a bar, a huge kitchen and is close to a dog park. I volunteer to walk his dog for him when he’s out working, also so I get to walk.
For my whole month in Mexico, I learnt the beauty of walking. From walking around cities like Guanajuato and Puebla to walking along beaches in Puerto Escondido and Chacahua, walking has helped me tremendously. It gave me an immediate solution. It allowed me to immediately channel my pain into something.
When you’re deeply traumatized, your mind can’t help but circle around the wounds like a flock of vultures would. Walking helped me by giving my body something to do, this form of movement therapy – I would learn about later – is something people with Post-traumatic stress are asked to do. Movement therapy can be in so many forms other than walking – dancing, swimming, yoga, rock climbing, really any form of sport or movement. Even just stretching the body for an hour could help if you can’t go out of your house.
After a whole week of hiding out in Boise, it was time to face the music. I had enjoyed my stay so much that I asked the owner to keep his room vacant for me to return in 2 days. I just wanted 2 days with Gideon, that’s all I asked for.
“Okay she’s finally gone. I just sent her to the airport and I’m coming to get you now. ” he messaged.
After he picks me up, we go to a korean restaurant because I was really craving a good asian food. Mexico has amazing food, but I really missed asian food.
We ordered and were sitting down opposite each other. Then, he said, “So…..we have to find some way to get you into the house, because Marianne installed a security camera outside of my apartment, just in case you came back. It’s automatically linked to her phone so she will know whenever someone comes in or out.”
I looked at him with wide eyes and a gaping mouth.
Much later on, Marianne tells me that Gideon was the one who begged her to extend her trip. He was also the one who suggested to install a security camera to soothe her insecurites.
All of it is just surreal to me.
The only thing I can register is that there is a security camera outside my husband’s house….mainly because they don’t want me to go back to the house. Am I trapped in a Netflix show?