Gideon and I sit side by side. It’s 1.30pm and my mom had arranged for us to meet with a counsellor.
I can hardly remember what happened but I remember Gideon telling our counsellor that he was over the marriage. I remember him saying, “I don’t think I ever loved Jane”
My mind has refused to remember much of what went on in that session, but soon after, I find out that he’s planning on getting her an engagement ring. He has met this woman 3 weeks ago. And even before I have begun to even take my next breath above the water, he’s plunging me back down beneath the surface again.
He hears my scream underwater, and he knows that my air will run out soon, so he lets me come back up for air when he says, “I’m sorry, I’m still very confused with everything as well. Don’t take what I said to heart” He must have seen how devastated I looked and decided to throw me a treat, like you would a dog so as to get a little bit of attention.
My father arrives to the house to check up on me. It’s 5pm and he’s helping me take some stuff back to my parents’ place. I had decided to leave our marital home for a few days.
It’s too painful to be here. Just too painful.
I’m mindlessly throwing clothes and things together into 2 large suitcases when Peanut, my cat, decided to walk into the suitcase. He plops himself onto my things and I allow myself to get distracted for a while.
Gideon is in the house, putting some of his things together as well. “I’m going to be with her until our flight to the US” He had said to me. I nodded to acknowledge but in my mind, I thought “Why the fuck would you tell me that?”
In that exact moment, I hear someone crying, it’s coming from our study room. I rush over and open the door, only to find my Dad sitting on the floor. He’s clutching his knees to his chest and deeply crying. I don’t know what to do.
I had only seen my Dad cry this badly once. When his younger brother drowned in a boat accident, many years ago.
Now, because of me, my Dad is breaking down. Gideon has conveniently made himself scarce, while I sat there with my Dad and repeated to him, “Daddy, it’s okay. I’m going to be just fine Daddy, It’s okay.”
In that moment, I realized that this impending divorce wasn’t just hurting me. It was hurting my family. It was hurting the people I love the most and will fiercely protect no matter what.
I hated Gideon to the core, for what he did to us. I hated him.