To first be vulnerable, You need to feel safe

Marco something wise to me the other day.

“Yes of course, if you spent the same amount of energy loving people who deserve you instead of people who don’t, man……life would be more beautiful that way”

To me, I also recognized that he was telling me “Hey, instead of getting upset by people in your past, why not try to be present with me?”

One time, we had a quarrel. And at the end of it, when we were making up, he told me “I just want you to know that you can trust me.”

I didn’t understand it then. But recently, certain wisdom has reached me so I can understand his words better.

He meant to tell me that with him, I never have to doubt I’m in a safe space. He meant to tell me that I can be completely myself with him.

              For the longest time, whenever a trigger occurred, I would always crawl back into my shell like a hermit. There, I would stay until I’d feel better enough to enter society again. There, I’d rest my mind until I felt decent enough to respond to people with respect. When Marco and I first started dating, I couldn’t trust him. Not didn’t want to, but I physically couldn’t. I couldn’t and still don’t really trust myself.

              What Marco wanted me to know was that he was now here in my life, fully committed to loving me.

              After we talked about the some triggers, I spoke with my friend Rella who’s also a therapist. I told her “It’s happened again.”

She walked me through some questions to help me find answers within myself.

At the end of the session, she gave me a little tip “ Marco is someone you can feel safe with, so don’t run away from him”

Her wise words immediately shed so much light on what he’d been trying to tell me before.

              We decided to go to the beach, to get some movement into the body and move through whatever triggers I was/am processing.

At the beach, the most spectacular sunset greeted us. The sea was calm, a couple of nudists were swimming, the water was nice and warm and beauty surrounded us in folds.

It was hard for me to feel sad or angry in that moment. Beauty and appreciation for life just overwhelmed me.

Marco and I stood hip to hip and it was just so nice being held and to be seen by him.

I thanked him for what he did earlier, and told him that I finally understood what he had told me once.

“I understand now what you mean when you asked me to trust you. You’re telling me that I don’t have to carry my load all alone anymore. That you’re now here to help take some of that load off me.”

“Yes, exactly. I’m here.” (And a bunch of other mushy stuff ending with a solid kiss 😉)

              I could understand what people meant when they said “To love is to forgive”

At the end of the day, I know my truth now. I know who I am. And I know why I am the way I am. I see my flaws and my strengths clearly. And I need no one to approve or to tell me that I’m courageous. I know I am. I’m proud of myself for choosing to be brave instead of a coward.

I’m not at the stage yet where I fully trust and have real confidence in myself. But I am definitely starting to love myself properly. It helps to see myself from Marco’s perspective. It helps that someone else can see me and love me.

It also helps that he doesn’t defend me to anyone. He lets me do that for myself. He doesn’t need to speak up for me. He trusts me enough to know that I’m growing in my own journey. He doesn’t want to mark me as his territory and control all I say or do, he just wants to love me – all of me.

I should just let him. Its nice to finally be properly loved by someone.