too many thoughts, no time to think, i just wanna talk

I read back on my entries a lot. And many times, I can’t help but think that the way I think of my ex is the exact way he thinks of me too.

When I wrote ‘hurt people hurt’, it was when i imagined him reacting to certain things I’ve done, causing him to unload his negative emotions on me.

The keyword is ‘imagine’ because now that I’ve learnt more about narcissism, I’m starting to believe that because of his personality disorder, he just simply does not have the same level of empathy as others. Either that, or he’s just so vicious that he doesn’t care how his actions have impacted others. I don’t quite believe he has a mean streak, he’s really a very nice person.

But narcissism – as I have been discovering while doing research – can exist in all of us. So what makes him a greater narcissist than I am? Or what puts him on a more extreme end of the spectrum? Why do I even consider myself to be on the spectrum? Am I one myself? Does recovering from narcissistic abuse make you develop narcissism within yourself too? Can you get rid of narcissistic traits and how?! These are thoughts that have recently plagued my mind.

The fact is, we both did regretful things to each other. I can’t speak for him, but I know exactly I’m regretful for, and for those actions I’ve apologized to him and made peace within myself for it. To clarify, what I’m recovering from in general, is his actions after our separation that really threw me off. I couldn’t understand why his actions never matched up to what he told me. I couldn’t understand why his behavior and attitude towards me flipped 180 degrees after a certain event happened. It wasn’t after the separation that his behavior changed, but after this said incident. I couldn’t understand how someone could be so mean to their ex wife. After all, he did once love me enough that we got married. The trauma is even more heavily weighed down by “but what did I do? why do I deserve such angry treatment from him?”

I made my peace with our separation after many conversations with him, and during that period of time, his behavior towards me was still very reasonable and very “him”. He was very kind to help me through certain questions I had, and he never once told me to back off and stop contacting him.

Yet after the incident, he flipped. 180 degrees. I never saw it coming. He became a completely different person – and his behavior and actions that followed triggered me into a downward spiral of depression, rage, anxiety and an overall feeling of “what the fuck is going on?!”

For 11 months after our separation, I never felt the need for therapy. I went for it just because my mother paid for my first round of therapy, but I always felt emotionally healthy and strong.

After this “flipping” incident however, my psyche changed. The darkness in me grew slowly at first, and then all at once I experienced depression and rage like never before. It was as if a dam had been destroyed, and all of the wound-up memories, emotions, thoughts just came rushing out. Except it doesn’t stop when you want it to, and it attacks whenever it wants, without any room for negotiation.

Since i’ve been doing some reading about how narcissistic tendencies are formed, I’ve decided to write about them so I can log my lessons down better.

Just reading and understanding more about narcissism has been SO SO helpful. Because it helps me realize that his anger is not about me. It was never personal. My trauma just made me feel like that because I already had insecurities that had long existed even before I met him.

A friend once said “Just get over yourself, not everything he said is because of you, he might be experiencing his own set of troubles and you’re just collateral damage.”

I need friends like that to wake me the fuck up sometimes.

Anyway, just wanted to log that this week was a really great week 🙂

Things i wanna be grateful for:

  • A great job, with good bosses who trust and give me freedom to build an awesome team
  • A family who’s supportive of my decisions to leave SG for a while and carve out my own life
  • My body that has endured so much stress and anxiety and still allows me to work/play hard
  • Friends from all over who are always checking in and giving emotional support
  • New friends from Croatia who have been so incredibly awesome and such great people to bond with
  • Living in croatia at the best time of the year – where summer season means beaches, bbq parties and lots of walks in the parks
  • Last but definitely not least – Marco. For being my light in this world. For seeing me, holding me and loving me the way I’ve always wanted to be loved.

5th August ’21