I admit it. I’m struggling to forgive. I’m hanging on by a thread not to shout to the world and tell everyone what they did to me. I’m fighting daily battles. I want to forgive.
But what about the things they did? What about the things he said to me? And the lies?
What about the way they treated me?
On the surface, they pretend so much to be the good guys and they portray such a good side of themselves. But does anyone know what they did to me? Will anyone ever know why I feel this pain? Does anyone know about the betrayal? About the lies?
Stab after stab after stab. I just let it happen. I didn’t fight back. Punch after punch after punch after punch. Even after I was down, they kept on coming.
I know I want to forgive him. But what if I don’t want to? What if i just want social justice?
What if I’m tired of trying to be the good person?
What if I just want revenge? What if I refuse to help them maintain their reputation?
Why do I have to be the one who suffers in silence? Why do they get to send me messages privately that torture me till this day? While they move on with their lives and happily forget about the consequences to their actions.
Leaving all of the consequences for me to bear.
If you’re feeling this way today, Just know that i’m there with you. I’m the kind of idiot who would feel so much of everyone’s pain, that even after being bullied and pushed down so much, I would still only want happiness for my perpetrators.
If you’re struggling with your trauma recovery and you’re wondering why the hell you’re being so kind when it’s not appreciated……Today I hold you in my heart and today I keep you in my thoughts.
The recovery road is way harder than I thought it would be. The ascend was great but now the descend is a long and grueling battle that I fight alone. Alone but not lonely, alone so I don’t push my pain around onto my loved ones. Alone so I can keep the harshest of emotions to myself, and only spread higher frequencies to people around me.
Alone so i protect people, even those who don’t deserve it.