Let me just start by saying that there are true victims out there, who really do deserve to get justice legally, mentally, emotionally and everythingly. But this post is not about them. It’s just a way to look at things so we can stop trying to find comfort in getting justice.
So my divorce has been going rather smoothly so far, I would say. There have been a few hiccups but thankfully, not as much drama as I’ve seen in other people’s divorces.
We didn’t have kids, and we weren’t together for a long time, so the only thing we really had to split was the house.
Still, the divorce hasn’t been happening without its fair share of ‘blame and shame’.
In trying to deal with things as peacefully as I can, I’ve also been thinking about the many friends and readers I know, who are trying to deal with their own divorces.
I know that divorce is shit. Some more shitty than others. All kinds of divorces involve one thing for sure though – victimizing and dealing with trauma.
There are some people who have had very peaceful divorces, but most of us have not been as lucky.
In many scenarios, someone is usually the one “left behind”. One partner usually was the one who decided to walk out, while the other one is left to deal with the shock, pain, hurt and trauma that naturally comes with such actions. It can sometimes heavily trigger abandonment issues, or can lead to someone having abandonment issues later on.
I myself, wasn’t the one who walked out BUT. I have to admit that I definitely acknowledge giving up on the marriage prematurely. As I’d written about before, I was the one who told my partner we should experiment on dating other people, so that we could decide (for the second time) if we still wanted to stay married, or cut our losses short while we could.
Clearly, after that ‘experiment’, he decided that he had found someone better and far more suitable for him. They got engaged and are probably going to get married sooner or later. Did it sting? Hell yes. Am I sour about them getting married? C’mon…..let’s be serious. This is a guy I once loved so much I said yes to marrying him. OF COURSE I had a lot of sourness left in heart. It’s a lot to deal with – watching who you thought was the love of your life decide to leave the marriage and propose to someone else instead. I would be a robot not to feel anything, or it would have meant I didn’t really love him. Which I did.
Could it have been me instead of him? YES. 99% YES. If I had happened to meet someone I felt so instantly connected to, I don’t think I can guarantee not leaving the marriage as well.
The root problem of our marriage was that we weren’t compatible. We got married based on utterly false expectations of each other.
Do I blame him for leaving? I definitely did. But I’ve made my peace with it over the last 1.5 years. Do I give them my blessing? I don’t need to. We’re no longer in each others’ lives and I don’t need to do anything I don’t feel is necessary – including being hateful towards them.
All I wanted to do is to focus on my own pain and heal from that.
Now that the pain has dulled down, I can then move on to the reason we separated in the first place – which is because we weren’t suitable or compatible for each other in the first place. I can then now, start a new chapter in my life and enjoy the fresh new lease of happiness given to me.
Easier said than done? OOOOOOFFFF Don’t get me started. The number of times I had to stop myself from checking in on how my ex and his current gf are doing……………..is very high.
Recently, a friend of mine asked me. “How do you deal with the arguments that follow? How do you negotiate the divorce terms? How do you move on??”
My dear…………I can’t tell you I have answers to all of these questions. But I would say this. That hurt people hurt. Repeat that 10000 times.
People who are genuinely happy….…..do not treat other people with venom and anger. I myself, am very guilty of this. I have definitely lashed out on innocent victims when they just happened to be in the vicinity while I was raging on about my own matters. That’s why………I prioritize so much on mending myself. Because I don’t want to be part of an ugly cycle of anger and hurt.
I find it so so sad when people start behaving out of character because of their own hurt. They’re so overwhelmed with bitterness and unhappiness that it causes them to react in such ugly and hurtful ways. Either that, or it’s just because they’re too weak to be good, so they’d rather be bad. But NEVER, let them trick you into thinking their behavior is based on what you did. As long as you know your conscience is clear, know that they are actively choosing to be like this. You’re not responsible for “fixing” their pain. You’re not responsible for them hurting you.
I have done it before – but I don’t ever want to treat someone else with disrespect again. And that’s what i would tell people to remember too. When something happens, pause…………take a moment, and instead of reacting, respond. Respond like your best self would. This doesn’t mean you have to be kind and compassionate all the time. Just don’t respond with unnecessary anger because anger can cause you to do or say things you’ll eventually regret.
Know when you’ve been bullied, but at some point, stop victimizing yourself. Stop spending your energy on blaming them and asking for justice. That’s never going to happen. Instead, leave them be and focus on your own “karma”.
I don’t know if I really believe in Karma, because I don’t know enough of it. But I do believe in the cycle of energy giving and receiving.
When you treat people right, the right people will come into your lives, the wrong people will leave. When you treat people wrong, the wrong people will stay and the right people will leave. Who’s to say who is right or wrong for you? YOU. YOU get to decide who’s right or wrong for you. There is no universal benchmark to decide for everyone. Only you will know.
At the end of the day………………….we all just want to find peace within ourselves, to forgive. Forgive them, forgive ourselves and make more room for love to fill us instead.
I’ve definitely felt a change happening recently, where I feel more space being made in my heart. Enough that I can feel compassion and forgiveness again. This healing shit is such a marathon…………..but there have been sooooo many little lessons along the way, that I wouldn’t trade my sorrows for anything else.
Sometimes when I start reflecting on things, I start feeling incredibly shameful of my own actions towards people. Even though I’ve apologized to them before, it still feels shameful because our words and actions can never be taken back. And we can’t control whether or not it caused ‘permanent damage’ to other people. Words and actions HURT.
We’ve all been hurt before, in one way or another, so we KNOW this. Now that we’re aware……………can we try to hold ourselves back from unnecessarily adding onto someone else’s load? Can we find it within ourselves to realize that we can either choose to back off and get out of the battle, or we can choose to fight till death and deal with the consequences later.
Everything that has happened or will happen in future, is a lesson. And this is what I want most. To learn, to grow, to level up, to exceed, to be alive. The lessons don’t end, it’s us who choose to stop learning.