I had a dream about her again. In my dream we had bumped into each other somewhere, I don’t know where.
All I could feel for her in my dream, was forgiveness. I didn’t feel any hate, any anger or even sadness. All I felt was true happiness for her, for them.
This week was a breakthrough.
After almost 2 months of being depressed and sad, I finally got myself to do a workout. It was a Buti Yoga workout. The energy is pumped, people are going WOOOOOHOOOOAAAA, and the point is to get connected with your primal energy.
It worked, because I could feel the energy and adrenaline of the live class. There were 30 odd people in the live class, and I was so far away, in my living room. Yet, I felt it. And it shook me.
Less than 5 mins into the workout, I started shaking with tears, uncontrollably. I felt all of the anger and trauma bleeding out of my eyes in the form of tears. I couldn’t control my crying. Sobbing eventually turned into a full on break down, and I had to stop for a few minutes to just yell. I yelled and I cried. And then I went back to doing mountain climbers.
It was such a release…. It felt really good.
Today again, during therapy, my therapist asked me why I wanted to forgive them so much. “do you think they deserve forgiveness?” “I don’t know. But I’m so tired of being sad and angry”
“it doesn’t work this way. Trying to forgive people who haven’t asked for your forgiveness doesn’t work. Why do you need them to like you so much?”
That question got me thinking. And during the therapy session we dug out the fact that I had trauma from feeling rejected when I was young. I went through early puberty when I was young, developing breasts at 7 and getting my first period at 9.
Because of that, I never truly fit in with friends my age, and yet kids who were older never really wanted to hang out with me too. From when I was 6 till when I was 15, I remembered always feeling “left out”, unable to really connect or relate with people my age.
Later on, I did manage to find friends who’ve been there for me since. I just never thought those “rejections” I faced in my childhood led to my people pleasing tendencies.
“some people don’t deserve you to love. Some people are just mean Jane. You don’t and you shouldnt make excuses for them.”
I realized that I had never really learnt to draw boundaries before. My therapist made a good point. “maybe you had to learn this lesson, so you learn how to identify toxicity in people.”
“maybe” – I croaked out, in between sobs.
This week though, I definitely feel a change. I feel stronger. I feel alot more like myself again. Working out helps. Ive also gotten back to playing music and doing things that make me happy. Having 2 weeks away from Marco has been great too. I needed to not have distractions, so I could focus on this “down” period.
I’m well aware that this process is long and hard. A friend also told me that a healing journey never really ends, so maybe instead of “healing” we can think of it as “growing”.
I like the concept alot. Here’s to growing, and realizing that we give meaning to things, whether good or bad. And instead of painting them bad, sometimes we can try looking at them as ‘not great’.