For the past few days, I’ve been taking care of Mr. Spock.
He’s a really good dog, and super smart. Because of him, I’ve been taking 2 walks a day, a short one in the morning in the dog park, and a longer one by the lake in Jarun park.
I had forgotten how good long walks are.
The walks gave me so much freedom to think, to feel and to debate on.
I thought alot, about the the power of Love.
Lately, I’ve been reading up alot about narcissism and the traits of narcissists.
Mostly because my therapist suggested that my ex husband was one, and that helped to explain alot of his behavior.
However, as I kept reading about narcissism, I couldn’t help but feel that at some point in my life, I could have been one too. Or at least, I had traits very similar to them.
Pinpointing the fact that he was a narcissist was helpful to explain alot of his actions, and helped me “solve” alot of the mysteries I was trying to solve. Still, it didn’t take away the fact that I felt bad for him. And her too actually. I don’t think they actually meant to hurt me. No matter how the evidence looks, I don’t think they really wanted to hurt me. I think they just wanted to defend themselves. And if anything, I know alot about wanting to protect oneself.
I felt bad for them – that they must each have been so hurt, in some point in their lives, that they had to hurt other people like that. I wonder what it could have been that had changed them, and created in them, such manifestations.
I know what created mine, and I’m choosing to weed them out.
I actually wrote a super long email to D and his current fiancee once. In the name of wanting to make peace. Details aside, things happened last year. Things that hurt everyone in the process.
I wrote that e-mail, so we could all reconcile our pain, and just connect.
But I didn’t send it. Because I still don’t trust myself to not react, just in case the response is as bad as the one he sent me. I wrote him once, a super nice email, and all he did was tear me down, and cause me unnecessary pain. I definitely have phobia, from wanting to reach out to them and just say……I’m sorry for whatever hurt you’ve been through in life, but this is how you hurt me.
One time I had a dream………….that they were drowning in a flood.
In that dream, there was a moment, where I could choose to save them or let them drown.
I saved them. And then we all hugged it out in a good ol’ fashioned sense. Edit: I think in my dream, I didn’t want to feel hate towards them, so my ultimate question is always – if you would save someone’s life, what’s the point really of being angry with them still?
The thing about dreams…is that they reflect only what you want, but not how reality is.
In reality, I doubt I will ever make my peace with them.
The good thing is that we never have to cross paths. And I only wish them well, and for them to never cause me any pain ever again.