I now understand why people say forgiveness is for yourself, and not for your perpetrator.
I think that forgiveness is really the key to getting over trauma. The power of love is always greater than hate. And love can create what hate can only destroy.
I had a dream the other day.
That D and I met. And in that dream, he looked the same as when I first met him. I could only remember how kind, loving and genuine he felt. In my dream, we spoke very openly about how everything ended up so nastily. He finally told me about all his grievances and I spoke very openly about how hurt I was too, after everything that had happened.
In my dream, we forgave each other. We decided to put everything in the past and just wished each other well. In that moment, I felt such power in that act of love. That act of generosity. There was so much light, in that one act of connecting and empathizing with each other.
I woke up, and felt a little sad. That reality isn’t such the case. But that feeling of love stayed with me. And i want it.
So i’m working towards fully forgiving him, just as I ask for forgiveness for ever hurting him too.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean we have to forget. But it does mean that we look beyond, and recognize that everyone makes mistakes. Forgiving someone else, is also one step further to forgiving yourself.
I want to get to a point, where I can one day look him in the eye and truly wish him all my best. And all my love.
Because at one point in my life, I genuinely did love him a lot. Enough to be this hurt. And maybe his actions were the consequence of being hurt. Maybe by me, maybe by his past. Maybe he has so many welled up insecurities. Maybe he was so badly hurt in his childhood, that he’s not even aware of how they have manifested into his current adulthood.
Or maybe he really is, just a jerk. No one will ever know but him.
It still doesn’t change how I would choose to act. For my own sake.
I choose to forgive.