I have a confession
I think the reason why i feel so much guilt from our marriage is because I gave up on it first.
I was the reason he ever met someone else. I told him to take a month off the marriage so that we could both date other people, and see if we wanted to choose the marriage. to be honest, even if he didn’t leave, i would have left as well. he just beat me to it.
and so, i think the person i need to forgive, is not him, but myself.
i thought that venting and ranting was going to help, and it did for a bit. but really, the person i have to forgive – is still me.
a good friend told me to “forgive that you gave your freedom away”
I could go on and on and on about the things that he did. i could rehash all the traumatic memories and replay them in my mind over and over again.
but if i were to be completely honest with myself – it doesn’t really matter.
Things have happened. Words were said. Actions were made. No matter what, I cannot keep blaming him for things. I also cannot keep blaming myself.
I’m not entirely proud of my own faults too. So what i’d like to do, is to forgive.
Just in general, be more forgiving towards myself. Have patience for my anxiety to pass.
To those of you who have been writing to me, i just want you to know that you’ve been a great help, and that i really enjoy hearing all of your recovery stories. I love that you’ve reached out, to let me feel less alone.