I initially wanted to write something about celebrating my divorce. But while writing it, something didn’t feel right. I didn’t feel like celebrating anything. I didn’t feel happy.
I only feel rage. Intense rage.
I want to scream “You’re the one who _____________!!!!!!!!!!!!! You’re the one who _____________, I’ve been _______________, how dare you _________________” I want to yell this at him and burn my words into his mind.
I’m so angry that all my mind leads me to, are his actions and his words. And the fact that I ALLOWED HIM to bulldoze all over me and my family. I’m angry with myself.
I want to show the world all the proof about his gaslighting behavior. I want to pull him from the comfortable darkness he’s chosen to lurk in and expose him to the world.
I want to prove to myself that I wasn’t at fault for all his actions, and that I’m okay. I’m more than okay, I’m great!!!!! I’m fantastic!!!!! Isn’t that what I’ve been feeling?????
But then, these emails came along and triggered an avalanche of emotions. I’m not writing this after a day of receiving them, I’m writing this after weeks of observing my thoughts and reactions to his nasty emails.
Have I actually just been in denial/guilt all along, trying to make excuses for his behavior? Trying to be extra nice and polite so that I bluff myself that I’m so okay I can be nonchalant towards his behavior? Why should I pretend that these emails don’t upset me? So that I can pretend that I’m all good and that I’m better than him?
I keep asking myself – Does exposing his deeds to the world change anything? Will it make me feel better?
Sometimes, I flirt around with that temptation and I hover over the ‘Publish’ button, but I don’t ever click on it. Because the answer is always No.
Pointing fingers at the culprit and trying to claim back justice isn’t going to help me.
Trying to tell myself just focus on my own faults also doesn’t really help.
What I have to do is stop trying to cheat the healing process.
In therapy, they teach you to acknowledge the trauma. And for the last 1.5 years, I think I skipped this important step. I didn’t even know of the term ‘gaslighting’ and didn’t know it was symptomatic of narcissistic behavior.
I wanted so much to skip through all the steps in the healing process, to retain control over how I feel.
And if anything, now that I’m paying attention to my emotions and not shunning them out, I’m hearing that I have to let go. And trust the process.
Pay that money for therapy because my mental health is worth it.
Telling me to ‘move on’ is part of his gaslighting behavior. AND NO. I REFUSE TO MOVE ON UNTIL I’M READY TO. I’m not going to move on just so you don’t have to sit with your guilt anymore. Focus on yourself and if you don’t even have the decency to speak to me politely, you’re a disgrace to yourself. After all that you’ve done, and all that you’ve tried to blame me for. I’m sure you have a lot of guilt to deal with. Because who in the right mind, will tell someone you’ve hurt so badly to MOVE ON. Fuck you D. Fuck you.
You don’t get to tell me when to move on anymore. And i no longer feel the need to protect your dignity. You think you’re such a hotshot pilot, but you’re just a coward.
I’m at the anger stage. So you best leave me alone and not rub salt into my wounds.
I deserve to be angry after all the shit I’ve gone through. I need to be angry. I need to be angry because for the longest time, no matter how disrespectful he was, all i did was treat him with respect and kindness.
People say “Oh but you’re in such a good place now!! Don’t let him affect you”
I don’t want to pretend anymore.
Again, the only thing I can do is focus on me. And get to the root of my anger.
I’m angry because for all the things he did to me in the past, I just let it go. He has said so many things to harm me, and did so many things to hurt me. And there will never be social justice that I can get for it. Never. It’s not like I can go to a court, present the evidence and have him in jail. There’s no law protecting us from emotional and mental trauma. So does it mean he just gets to say whatever he wants to me and walk away cockily as if he’s right?
When talking to my friends, a lightbulb moment happened.
The person I’m also angry with – is probably myself. Because I know that even if he apologizes, and even I can get ‘social justice’ from exposing him, I will still sit here with myself wondering why the hell I ever made excuses for his behavior.
Why did I not stand up for myself? Why did I not fight back? Why did I let him treat me with disrespect?
I’m so angry with myself. And I know that I have to forgive myself.
It’s hard, because sometimes, Anger is like a ball of fire that you bounce around between your palms while you think of where to direct it to. Some people direct it to the culprit, some people internalize it until it eats them up alive. Me? I don’t know yet – what to do with my anger. I’ll lean on therapy for that.
But I want to acknowledge it. I want to give it a badge and name, and say I hear you. I feel you. Let’s work through things together.
I don’t want to suppress my anger until it manifests into an ugly person inside of me next time. This is how toxic behavior arises in everyone. Hurt people hurt. And I don’t ever want to become who my ex is now. I don’t ever want to let this trauma make me become someone I don’t recognize. That’s how he’s become like that. Or actually fuck him, who cares about why he behaves this way.
I hope that in writing this, I’m reminding myself that the healing process isn’t linear. One week, everything feels fine, and even if they feel less fine the next, IT’S COMPLETELY NORMAL.
Grief doesn’t get smaller, we just have to get bigger around it.