It didn’t hit me when I was packing my bags. It didn’t hit me while I was saying goodbye to friends and family. It didn’t even hit me during the 13-hour flight from Singapore to Amsterdam.
It probably hit me for the first time…….In the toilet stalls of Amsterdam – when I made an amusing observation of the many number of pegs put up for people to hang more bags/cloaks.
That I’m leaving. For an indefinite amount of time. I don’t think I ever allowed myself to dream of this as my reality. But the moment I did…….. It set me free. It allowed me to think of the many things I can be and the versions of myself I want to explore.
In August, I was still wrapping my head around getting divorced, not even ready to worry about the future. I was at times having the time of my life, but unable to fully enjoy it because I was still a little sad about the divorce. I have to tell you the truth right? It was just December 2019 that life threw a major curveball at me – there was little possibility I could have closure within 9 months.
In December 2020, I arrived back in Singapore, a few days before the end of the year. Still giddy from the year long backpacking experience. Still unsure of what I’m gonna do for 2021.
The day after I finished SHN – I signed the divorce papers and started massively clearing clutter out of my house. It meant revisiting alot of the past. I looked at many material things I owned and couldn’t help but judge myself. Why did I need 8 pairs of ‘going out’ shoes, 4 pairs of heels I never wore, and 5 pairs of slippers????
Also, how am i divorced?? How did I ever get married when the me NOW, isn’t even ready to be married?? Hahaha….(nervous laughter)
Sometimes I feel that the last 7 years of my life – after graduating from uni, was me playing ‘Family’ in kindergarten.
Does anyone remember being a Kindergarten kid, playing this game where you and your three friends run around holding hands, taking on ‘Daddy’, ‘Mummy’, sibling roles??
“Okay now you Darren must hold hands because daddy mummy will hold hands one”
“Okay now you sleep finish already, wake up and make breakfast for me and korkor”
Very much like Kindergarten, I think I tried too hard to pretend to be “an adult”.
Why? No idea.
No idea is my favourite answer to myself for many questions I plague my mind with.
No idea landed me this great remote job I have now, because I kept doors open until something I’m passionate about came along.
I now spend about 7 to 8 hours a day working for a start up that I believe in – contributing and pouring out my heart into building something I feel will bring real value to people. My bosses let me work remotely, even from Croatia, and better yet, allow me to work Croatian time 7am to 4pm.
Could I have imagined this job existed if I had made exact plans for it? I don’t know. Maybe. But I’d like to think that “No idea” was the culprit behind this. That because I opened my mind to the possibilities of life, life happened.
It brings me to my greatest lesson of 2020.
Control what you can, and focus on what you want RIGHT NOW – not tomorrow, not yesterday, but right now.
If I don’t know whether I want to be married in 3 years, I don’t think about it.
If I don’t know whether to have kids at all in future, I don’t think about it.
Of course, with certain things, it’s always nice to plan ahead for, like retirement income and whether or not to buy a pair of shoes on sale.
But I no longer want to operate on a FOMO mode. I don’t want to over worry about things in the future, if I have no control over them right now. I want to be content with what I have at the moment and to really seek what purpose in life can look like to me. I’m learning how to listen to what I really want. Something this simple….. Took me 28 years and a divorce to learn.
I don’t know how sustainable this lifestyle can be for me. I’m officially a digital nomad so having this job allows me to move around countries and work remotely. It’s a great position to be in, and I’m glad I have passion for the work we’re doing.
Do i miss my friends and family. Every single day…..sometimes I wish I could teleport to them.
Still, I’m very excited for life here in Croatia. I’m completely in my element (being on the road). I think better, I feel clearer, and I smile wider.
Till the next time, adiosssss ciao ciao everyone