The last few weeks have been interesting to observe.
The general observation I make of myself, is that I don’t want to be here. But why?
I’m really happy for my friends. They’re doing well, pursuing goals in their careers, getting married, having children. When I think of every single one of my friends, I feel only happiness that they’re enjoying life here in Singapore.
But yet, I feel an odd sense of alienation. Not from them….But between us. I’m alienated by the circumstances and preferences we all have. I’m alienated by the choice I’ve made to stand aside and leave.
It’s a lonely road to take, this nomad life. I can’t relate. To many things that my friends want. And I’ve been this way for a long time. When everyone seems to find joy in the same things, or strive for the same things, and you don’t…..It’s hard to find a sense of belonging.
What does it feel to belong somewhere?
I’m home. These are the streets I know by heart, these are the languages I recognise so well. These are the people I grew up with, who have stood alongside me through life. Yet, I don’t feel like I belong here – not anymore.
I observe myself try to explain these feelings of mine to people around me – and I fail at communicating what I’m really longing for.
I think a part of me is beginning to change drastically, and I’m feeling like this will put an even bigger distance between me and the people I love. I’m not ready to let go of having common topics, of knowing their little jokes. Yet, every day I spend here, I feel as if I’m tolerating life.
I know it’s not the environment that’s the problem – it’s my state of mind. Singapore just happens to trigger a lot of questions I have for myself. Questions I don’t yet have answers for, questions I’m not interested to be worried about. But being here, it forces you to emote.
There is so much to process. But the noise here blocks my ability to do that.
I can’t feel what I’m trying to feel.
I need to get away. I need to be alone. I need to walk for hours. I need to breathe.