A mental drain

I haven’t been able to hear my thoughts well for the past month. I feel a strange disconnect between my mind and my body. It’s almost as if I can see my daily interactions with people from a third person’s point of view, and I recognize how distant I feel.

“I don’t want to be here” was what I kept repeating to close friends who asked if i was enjoying myself back home.

But why?

Life is good. I started a job in a tech start up, with a good boss and great colleagues.

I’ve been meeting up with friends and family whom i’ve missed so much. Yet, there is a feeling of transition that makes me feel restless. I liken it to waiting for a train at a busy train station. You know where you’re going to, and all the stops you have to make before that. Even if the stops themselves bring you to great places and you see amazing views, you’re still waiting to get to your destination.

What is my destination? “Anywhere but Singapore”

Why? I observe my thoughts and my obvious disdain for being back home but I cannot pinpoint what it is.

Perhaps it’s because I’m too familiar with people and surroundings here. Perhaps I miss life on the road, where every tree seems more tall and fascinating, every body of water more inviting. Perhaps it’s my eagerness to shed ‘old skin’ and create a new life ahead.

Then I realize, that this is an old habit of mine. Not being able to live in the present, and only making plans to enjoy the future. I remind myself to stay still. To meditate in the pockets of silence I find between waking up and rushing around all the way till I hit the sack. I remind myself that life can be consisted of moments as fleeting or as frozen as I want them to be. I only have to stay still – and be in control of my thoughts and my breath.

I choose to change my perspective of things now.

I choose to be grateful for being able to go out in the sun everyday – to swim, to run, to walk in the never ending summer of Singapore. I choose to hold every friend I meet a little tighter, and smile a little wider at strangers who will think I’m odd. I choose to appreciate how I can be at my family’s place in under an hour, and see my cousins, aunties, uncles and niece anytime we arrange to.

I choose to stay in these moments, that will pass us by as quickly as the next heartbeat.

It’s not easy – this thing of living in the present.

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